Unveiled: Foundations of Marriage
Genesis 2-3
I first met my wife when she was seriously dating one of my roommates. I was dating a girl in Dallas. You can tell the story gets interesting right away. Fast forward, we both had bad break-ups and lightly dated a few other people. Then, the night before I left Austin to go to Dallas Theological Seminary, cupid shot his arrow. Our friendship suddenly turned romantic. It was magic. Four months later I gave her a ring and asked for her hand on a ski trip in Red River, New Mexico. Six months later we vowed our love to each other, committing to serve God together as a couple. Twenty-eight years later our relationship is sweeter than ever.
Today we are beginning a three-week series called "Unveiled: God’s Take on Marriage and Divorce." We have a study guide for you on-line and we have photocopies available from the ushers or on Main Street for free. Today we are looking at God’s foundations for marriage in the book of Genesis and how those original foundations were shattered by our sin.
If you are single or single again, we believe and affirm the goodness and value of singleness. Not everyone should get married. Not everyone should stay married; there are situations where divorce is the best of the bad options, even though we seek to avoid divorce. If you are married, no matter where you are in your marriage, desperate, tired or excited, we want to bring you hope and help. There is no way I can speak to every specific situation. If you are on the verge of divorce, dealing with recent adultery or abuse, know that God is with you. He is your refuge and strength. He is bigger than your greatest problem.
In Genesis God invites us to discover the foundations of marriage. Today I am not going to share ten top tips for a terrific marriage. There is a place for that. Rather we are going to look at the deep foundations of a good marriage rooted in the story of creation and the Fall of humanity. Humans are the highpoint of God’s creation. You and I have an incredibly significant role in the universe, given to us by God at creation. We alone are made in his image to serve as his representatives. Genesis records;
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 God blessed them and said to them, ‘‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”
What does it mean to be in the image of God? The image of God is the moral responsibility and capacity that enables us to sustain loving relationships, to multiply life and to rule the world as his royal representatives. Marriage helps us fulfill our created mission. Today believers in Jesus Christ are to be more and more conformed to his image. We are to multiply followers of the King as we represent him on earth.
As God’s image-bearers he has given us the dignity and responsibility of choices with consequences. We are responsible to the Creator. Listen to God’s first command.
16 Then the LORD God commanded the man, “You may freely eat fruit from every tree of the orchard, 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will surely die.” Genesis 2:16-17 (NET).
We are given the responsibility and privilege of moral choice. One of our most basic temptations is the desire to determine what is right and wrong for ourselves. We doubt that God’s will is really our highest good. In our marriages we think we will be happy if we do things our way. Loving sacrifice is not what seems best to us. Deep inside we suspect that we know better than God what would be best for us in our own personal lives and marriages. We need to trust God, that his will is truly best.
In striking contrast to the seven-fold repetition of the goodness of creation in chapter 1, this announcement is shocking.
18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Genesis 2:18.
Notice God does not say it is not good to be single. You can be single and not be alone. In 1 Corinthians seven, Paul says that singleness is a great choice. The issue is relationships. We are not meant to be alone. God created us for relationships. This is one of the fundamental reasons why we have Groups at Christ Fellowship.
For Adam, God made Eve. God builds woman from man for man. To grasp the Biblical view of marriage, we need to see the making of woman. God brought all the animals to Adam and he named them. Then we read;
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:18–22
God formed woman as a suitable helper or a “companion who corresponds.” The word suitable means corresponding, complementary. She matches him. Woman provides what is lacking in man. The word “companion” or “helper” has been misunderstood. Some people have read “helper” as servant or slave, such as in the movie and novel, “The Help.” They believe a woman has an inferior role to help a man. You know: bring him his slippers, get him a coffee, or bring him his supper. Sorry guys, that’s not the biblical model.
It surprises people to learn that the word “helper” is often used of God. He is Israel’s helper. In the Psalms, the writer takes comfort in God’s help.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
Far from being the inferior one, the helper, biblically is often the stronger one who does what the other party cannot. Man needs woman to carry out the biblical mission to multiply; tough to do alone. Together they are to rule the earth.
God forms woman from man’s side, then brings her to Adam. The picture that comes to my mind is of a father who walks his daughter down the aisle and presents her to her groom. The ancient commentator Chrysostom in an often repeated comment wrote, “Let us remember that God did not take the woman from man’s feet to be trampled upon and enslaved; nor from his head that she should dominate him, but from his side, to be his companion; from beneath his arm to receive his protection; and from near his heart to have his love and affection.”
Can you imagine how Adam felt the moment he first saw Eve?! I will never forget seeing my wife walk down that aisle. I had never seen her dress. (Wedding Photo) She dazzled me; tears filled my eyes; love swelled my heart; she took my breath away; my mind was exploding. For Adam it must have been much more. He writes the first poem uttering the first recorded words in human history. In essence he gives the first wedding vows to Eve. He is promising himself to her. Adam says;
“This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” Genesis 2:23 (NET);
For those couples who are together today, after the service we are going to give you the opportunity to renew your vows. Talk with each other to see if you would like to renew your vows today right after the service.
Woman was made out of man and now in marriage she becomes one flesh with him again. God then establishes marriage in the amazingly profound verse 24. Genesis 2:24, is so foundational that it is quoted five times in the rest of the Bible. Famous psychologist, Dr. Ed Wheat, describes this verse as the most concise and comprehensive counseling session ever presented on marriage.
God gives three foundations of marriage
Notice the crucial the three foundational moves.
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
God gives us three crucial foundations: to leave, to unite and to be one flesh.
Leave
The word “leave” literally means to forsake. The issue is loyalty. In our society this may not seem like such a big deal, but in Israelite culture, your commitment to your parents was of utmost importance, as in other ancient cultures honoring your parents was the highest human obligation next to honoring God. But God says that a man must give even higher loyalty to his wife. You need to sever loyalty to parents to start a higher loyalty to your spouse, spiritually, emotionally, socially and financially.
Some couples get trapped in their parents’ home and never leave. It is unhealthy to stay dependent on your parents or extended family. In-law jokes are funny because there is so much reality underlying them. One of my favorite TV shows is Everyone Loves Raymond. (CLIP). No couple wants to live that show. In-law issues are classic fodder for humor because they are a common tension point in marriages, largely because husbands and wives do not transfer their allegiance from their parents to their spouse. You must put your wife or husband above your loyalty to your parents. Be careful about inserting your parents into your relationship. Do not put your parents in the role of marital referees. Parents, let me be blunt, butt out of your kid’s marriages. If they want to come home, send them back to reconcile with their spouse.
Unite (Matthew 19:4-6)
The second crucial foundation of marriage is to unite, or cleave, which means to stick together. The Hebrew word translated “to unite” means “cling, cleave, keep close,” “to stick,” or even “to glue.” The husband and wife are “glued” together. It suggests both passion and permanence. This is covenant language. Jesus quotes this verse in the New Testament where he explains that it means marriage is for life, not just until you can’t get along any more, not just until you are not happy, not just as long as you feel in love. Never quit. Jesus says;
4 ‘‘Haven’t you read,” he replied, ‘‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:4-6.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment between one man and one woman. This fundamental passage establishes the sacred covenant of marriage. A husband and his wife are to be united to each other for life. Early on Tamara and I determined that we would never use the word divorce. It is not in our vocabulary. God designed us for exclusive monogamous married relationships. No living together. No adultery. No emotional affairs. When you leave and unite, you can become one flesh.
One flesh (Ephesians 5:21-33)
The couple is to be a single unit. In marriage we join in a beautiful unity that reflects the unity in the Godhead among Father, Son and Spirit. Physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually, a man and a woman are to become one in a lifetime covenant of marriage. As woman was formed from man’s flesh, so in marriage she becomes again one flesh with him. We are to have solidarity with each other as together we serve God. One man, one woman, one couple, for life. If we will realize the deep truth of our unity as one flesh, it can impact so many practical matters: too often we battle saying: that’s your car, your child. The problem is your mother. Money is a huge issue, especially with two incomes. However you arrange your accounts, it should all be our money together; our car, our mother. Early in our marriage a serious issue from Tamara’s childhood surfaced for which she needed to get counseling. I said since we are one flesh, if it happened to you, it happened to me, so we went to counseling together. Looking back that was one of the best decisions we have made.
The chapter concludes with a striking and even shocking statement:
25 The man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25 (NET)
There is no guilt. There are no barriers, no alienation. They were at ease with each other without fear of exploitation. They were completely comfortable and totally vulnerable with each other; totally open. In good marriages today we gradually and imperfectly regain this original perfect ease and trust. Sadly, sin shattered the foundations of marriage.
Sin shatters the foundations of marriage
The woman and the man decided for themselves what is good and made a huge mistake. Instead of goodness, they found evil – decay, destruction and death. Satan lied. The Proverbs warns us, there is a way which seems good to a man, but the end is death. Here is what happened. You can read it in Genesis chapter three starting in verse one.
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” . . . 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves .Genesis 3:1–7
What are the results from sin shattering their lives? Mistrust and alienation; shame and fear replace security, peace and intimacy.
We cover up, hide and blame
Pitifully, they try to cover themselves with fig leaves; and we do the same thing today. Rather than running to God, they try to fix the problem themselves. Here is the beginning of religion, the attempt to fix the problem ourselves. We can’t fix sin; only God can do that. All our attempts at becoming righteous apart from Christ are pathetic fig leaves. Only God can clothe us.
This scene in the Garden is the first cover-up. It happens in government and business all the time, and in our marriages. Often the first thought is "How can I cover this up? I don’t want her or him to know what I did." It’s as simple as drinking a cup of mouthwash to hide the smell of liqueur. It’s lying about looking at that woman or about having lunch with that guy. It’s deleting the history on your phone or Internet browser. We can never cover up our own sin. Only God can cover our sin.
They hid from God in the trees that God created. We do the same thing. We avoid God because we are afraid. Rationally, we know we cannot hide from God. Yet we are scared to face him. Please know God is the One who can genuinely help you. He offers to forgive you. When we sin, the best thing we could possibly do is to run to God.
Not only did they cover up and hide, but they also blamed. I just hate to read about this pathetic blaming. God asks, “Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” You hope Adam says, “Yea, I did and I am so sorry.” Instead, Adam replies, “The woman whom you gave me, she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.” In her hour of greatest need, Adam abandons Eve. He throws her under the bus. Adam even dares to blame God, “the woman You gave me.” We avoid responsibility in every way we can. We blame circumstances, fate and even God. The woman makes a similar effort to shift blame and minimize her responsibility. God asks, “What is this you have done?” She replies, “The serpent tricked me, and I ate.” And she gave the fruit to Adam.
We are tempted to rationalize, to make ourselves the victim. It is never my fault. We blame our marriage problems on everyone and everything, but ourselves. "It’s the economy. It’s her parents. I never should have married him. I was forced into it by circumstances. The counselor gave us bad advice." We so quickly take on a victim-mentality. Poor me. Take some responsibility!
Not only does sin lead us to foolish actions of covering up, hiding and blaming, but sin also has consequences. Humanity’s sin has created pain and conflict in marriages ever since.
We face consequences
God declared consequences on the woman and on the man, each specific to their gender. These consequences have played out in classic marital conflicts ever since. Genesis chapter three verse sixteen says:
16 To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.” 17 But to Adam he said, “Because you obeyed your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ cursed is the ground thanks to you; in painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. 18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you, but you will eat the grain of the field. 19 By the sweat of your brow you will eat food until you return to the ground. Genesis 3:16
For the woman, the pain in childbirth strikes at her core function of multiplication. For the man, the pain in his work affects the fundamental function of ruling the earth. The Hebrew word for pain is more than physical, but also mental or psychological anguish. It is a total distortion of this passage to find in it a justification for male domination. In the Garden they were naked and unashamed. The woman did not fear domination by the man and the man did not fear manipulation by the woman. One writer said, “The two who once reigned as one attempt to rule each other.” “’To love and to cherish’ becomes “‘to control and dominate.’”
In most cultures, through history, men have grossly dominated women, treating them not as a companion and help, but as property and an object to be used. Woman have tried to control men. The American South is famous for its matriarchal families. So are other cultures including the Greek culture. (My Big Fat Greek Wedding CLIP). Women must resist the temptation to manipulate their husbands and men must resist the temptation to dominate their wives.
To the man God gives a reason for the consequence, “because you obeyed your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you.” Adam listened to his wife over God. Men, I am going to talk directly to you for a minute. Men, our nation is filled with a bunch of pansy, passive men. Get up and lead your wife to serve God together with you. It is your responsibility. Get off your spiritually lazy butt and lead. God holds you responsible.
The consequence for man strikes at the nerve center of his life: work. God made us to work, but we are frustrated with thorns and painful toil so that we must sweat to get stuff done. Our lives are absorbed with difficult work: it seems like nothing is easy; stuff breaks; everything takes longer. All of this complicates marriage because, generally speaking, women are stressed and tense over the family, raising the kids, while men are more stressed over the issues in the workplace. Those different focuses fuel conflict as the husband and wife feel like the other neither understands nor appreciates what they are doing. Sin shatters the foundations of marriage.
However, although sin destroys, God saves. Sin shatters, but God offers hope to overcome sin and its destructive consequences.
God offers hope for marriage
After they sinned, God pursued Adam and Eve. That is the story of salvation. God comes to save us. God takes the initiative with his redemptive questions. God asks gracious questions that urge confession. He invites us to confess our sin.
He invites us to confess
Listen to the questions God asks;
9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” . . . 13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” Genesis 3:8–13.
God seeks to bring us to the point of accepting responsibility and repenting. I can hear this question echoing through the halls of history, “Where are you?” The point is not about physical location. These are the questions God is still asking you and me. “Where are you? What have you done?” God is giving man and woman a chance to confess. He is giving them the freedom and dignity of choice once again. Can you hear God asking you these same questions? Are you ready to confess what you have done?
Once we confess, we find hope in the grace of God depicted in Genesis by clothing. God clothes us, covering our shame.
He clothes us
Look at chapter three, verse twenty-one. 21 The LORD God made garments from skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them. God does (3:21) for the couple what they cannot do for themselves (3:7). They cannot deal with their shame. But God does. They made fig leaves for themselves. God clothed them with animal skins. On the seventh day the Creator who rested from all he “made”, now “makes” coverings for Adam and Eve as the Redeemer. The same Hebrew word is used for creating the world and for creating clothes.
Think about the symbolism of the clothes. Only God can provide us with proper clothing to cover our sinful nakedness, our shame. Man-made coverings will not work; they must be God-made. Adam and Eve’s attempt to cover themselves simply shows the fallacy of salvation by our own effort. We cannot work our way to heaven. God alone provides satisfactory clothing to cover our guilt. One day those of us who receive God’s grace by faith will be clothed with His glory (2 Cor. 5:4).
People today try to cover their sin with good works. We try to sew our own fig leaves to cover our sin. God says it is not working. “But I pray and read the Bible,” fig leaves. “But I go to church and give money in the offering,” fig leaves. “But I give money to help the poor,” fig leaves. These are all fig leaves. They do not cover our sin. You can’t fix your marriage well without Jesus Christ. Following ten tips to a totally terrific marriage will not cut it.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only answer to sin. At the heart of all marital trouble is one thing: sin. Adam and Eve took and ate, bringing death and separation. Jesus took our sins on himself and tasted death for us to undo the curse. God offers us forgiveness, to clothe us with the righteousness of Jesus Christ. Trust in Jesus Christ to set you free. In his amazing grace he pursues us, offering us freedom through Jesus Christ. I invite you run to God right now. You will enjoy a good marriage if you have a good relationship with God. The only way to a marriage that will fulfill God’s mission is through Jesus. Quit covering up, hiding and blaming; confess your sin and run to the Father through Jesus.
I want you to reflect on the biblical foundations of marriage: leave, unite and be one flesh. Face the temptations to domination and manipulation. Deal with the effects of sin on your marriage by turning to God through Jesus. A good marriage is centered on Jesus Christ. If you are single, whether you’re a student, a widow, divorced or never married, take this time to solidify your convictions about biblical marriage. Pray for those who are married, including your parents. If you are married and your spouse is with you, I invite you to hold hands. Look into each other’s eyes. If you are married and your spouse is not with you, thank God for your spouse. Thank God for every good thing you can think of about your spouse, and then recommit yourself to your husband or wife. Remember we are offering a marriage seminar next weekend. You may want to go. Marriage is worth fighting for. God can heal. God can restore. God can make it more than it is today. After the service ends, we will do a vow renewal for couples who like to renew their marriage vows today.
Before I pray for the marriages in our church family, I want to introduce you to a couple who has been married for 53 years. Please welcome one of our founding elders, Dick Best and his dear wife, Carol.
Let me pray for the marriages of our church family.
Marriage prayer.
I invite you to stand and face each other. Hold hands as I lead you to repeat after me. First husbands,
Renewal of vows
I, _________ ,/ take you,______________/ to be my wedded wife,/ I promise to be committed to you all my life/ I promise to sacrificially love you / as Christ does the Church/ I promise to be your husband in sickness and in health;/ and, forsaking all others,/ be absolutely faithful you,/ so long as we both shall live.
And now wives,
I, __________,/ take you, ____________,/ to be my wedded husband,/ I promise to be committed to you all my life. / I promise to respectfully submit to you/ as the church does to Christ/ I promise to be your wife in sickness and in health;/ and, forsaking all others,/ be absolutely faithful you,/ so long as we both shall live.
Prayer for the couples.
