Roles in Marriage
Ephesians 5
People have all kinds of opinions on marriage. Sometimes children know best. The following answer came from children ages 5 to 10 years old.
What do most people do on a date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
How do you decide whom to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." (Alan, age 10)
How can you make a person fall in love with you?
"Don¡¯t do things like have smelly green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain¡¯t the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
How can a stranger tell if you are married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." (Derrick, age 8)
When is it okay to kiss someone?
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." (Howard, age 8)
Is it better to be single or married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." (Anita, age 9) (bless you child)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I¡¯m just a kid. I don¡¯t need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
How would you make a marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck." (Ricky, age 10)
Has your marriage been everything that you had hoped it would be? That is certainly not the case for Kim Kardashian and her recent marriage with husband NBA player Kris Humphries who 72 days after a ten million dollar lavish public wedding, are now getting divorced over ¡°Irreconcilable differences¡±. Kim said, ¡°I had hoped this marriage would last forever, but sometimes things don¡¯t work out as planned.¡± 72 days is a long way from forever.
Most couples would admit that their marriage has not been all they hoped it would be. We are in a series called Unveiled: God¡¯s Take on marriage and divorce. To help you with your marriage, a study Guide is available online and photocopies of the study are available from the Ushers. We are having some fun on our Facebook page by posting wedding pictures. Check out our Christ Fellowship Facebook page and you may like to add your wedding picture.
Today we are looking at Roles in Marriage from the central New Testament passage on marriage, Ephesians chapter five. If you are single or single again, we believe and affirm the goodness and value of singleness.
What¡¯s the purpose of marriage? To answer that you must put marriage in the context of our mission which is to be, ¡°people who help people find and follow Christ¡±. At Christ Fellowship we are all about Jesus. The point of marriage is to represent Jesus by modeling the Gospel. Together as a couple you are to help people find and follow Christ. For most people this is a very different view of marriage. Most people want to a happy marriage. And that is a good thing. But what¡¯s missing is the mission, the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Your marriage represents God to the world. How are you representing him in your marriage? Good marriages are so rare in our world, that when you are faithful and loving in your marriage, you shine like a bright light in a dark room. Get your marriage together for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, for the sake of your kids, friends and people around you are watching. How is your marriage helping or hindering the Gospel of the Jesus Christ?
The model for marriage in the New Testament is the relationship between Christ and His Church. In this relationship, Christ is called the Bridegroom and the Church is called the Bride. By looking at this model we find the principles upon which to build our marriages. At Christ Fellowship we are all Bible. We are people guided by the Word. So to discover what God says about marriage, we must dive into his Book, ready to hear and obey what he says. That can be a huge challenge with a topic as touchy as marriage. Let¡¯s have the courage to trust God¡¯s revelation above our own reasoning. The message of Ephesians is that we are to live worthy of our calling.
Overall Context: Live worthy of our calling
Ephesians calls us live lives worthy of our high calling in Jesus Christ. Paul describes our privileges in Christ in the first three chapters. Then chapters 4-6 he describes our responsibilities for Christ. Chapter 4 verse 1 is the hinge verse that connects our privileges with our responsibilities. Paul says, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. A worthy life is to carry out our significant responsibilities for Christ commensurate with our incredible privileges in Christ. It is to live out our true identity, our true calling. The Christian life is simply the process by the Spirit of becoming who you are in Christ.
Let¡¯ look more closely at chapter five. Chapter five, verse 21 is the hinge verse from this section to the next. Paul says;
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
Submitting to one another is a result of being filled with the Spirit to follow the will of the Lord. Paul is saying submit to one another in the following ways. Then he applies it to three pairs of relationships: wives and husband, children and parents and slaves and masters. All three are unidirectional. Parents do not submit to children. The word submission at its root refers to ordering, to an arrangement of people such as military parade. Submission is not primarily an attitude, but an authority arrangement. Thus we each submit to one another in the appropriate authority relationships in marriage, the family and workplace.
As Paul moves into discussing roles in marriage, it is crucial that we remember that we are all about Jesus, obeying him as the Lord who gives us his Word that guides us. Will we hear what God says about marriage even when it goes against our culture and takes us far outside our comfort zones? Let¡¯s walk through the biblical text line by line listening to what God says.
Paul connects the relationship of wives and husbands to the relationship of the church to Christ. In the analogy the wife represents the church and the husband represents Christ. A biblical marriage is a model, a representation, of Christ¡¯s relationship with his church. Contrary to the frequent use of this text only to address wives, Paul focuses mainly on husbands and on Christ and the church. Three verses address wives and six address husbands.
Paul speaks first to wives. A wife is to respectfully submit to her husband as the church does to Christ. As hard as that is, we will discover that husbands have an even steeper challenge, but let¡¯s start where the Bible does with wives.
Wives respectfully submit to your own husband
Paul gives one simple but challenging command: As the church submits to Christ, so wives submit to your husband. Follow with me starting in verse twenty-two.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22¨C24
So let¡¯s go directly after the difficult word: submit. Often people misinterpret this concept, with disastrous results. Many are offended by the word ¡°submission,¡± as if it points to a passive, weak life dominated by a negative self-image, a giving up of control and free will. Some suppose that when a wife submits herself to her husband, she becomes a nothing, to be treated as a servant. She may never open her mouth, never offer a suggestion, much less ever question or criticize her husband's behavior. This is not the Biblical picture. Christ certainly does not treat us in this way.
Depending on your life experience, submission may bring up images of domination and abuse; it may symbolize capitulation and weakness. Those are distortions of the biblical concept. As a pastor I have confronted my share of marital abuse. It makes me ill to see a wife abused by the very man who vowed his love to her. When a lady must flee her home to a seek shelter from domestic abuse, something is desperately wrong. When a husband justifies his abuse by quoting the Bible that is evil.
What does it mean to submit? The word the Bible uses hypot¨¢ss¨, which in this context means ¡°voluntary yielding to God¡¯s ordained order¡±. For instance, in a military parade, each soldier gets in order under his officers. An offensive line gets in order at the scrimmage line under the quarterback. Hypotasso means to voluntarily yield yourself to God-ordained authority, to order yourself under an authority. Yielding authority happens in the ordinary course of our lives when we come to a stop sign or yield sign.
Furthermore a wife is only to submit to her own husband. Women are not told to submit to men. The grammar is helpful. The verb ¡°submit¡± is used in the middle voice. Middle voice is reflexive; it is something a person does to themselves, which means a wife should submit herself. The verb is not active voice. A husband is never told to subordinate his wife. A wife chooses to submit to her husband. Legitimate marital submission is never coerced. Yet this is a very difficult choice when as we learned last week from Genesis that most women are prone to want to manipulate their husbands.
Submission in no way implies that one party is lesser than the other. A wife and a husband are equal partners in marriage with different functions to fulfill; different responsibilities to carry out; different roles to live out. Submission is not about inferiority of personhood, but about differentiation of position in the divine organization of the family. Submission does not have to do with worth as a person or with capability. A wife may have a higher IQ (as in my marriage; Tamara is smarter than I am).
The ultimate example of submission is found in Jesus Christ. While He is equal to God, Jesus Christ submitted himself to God the Father. The Father and the Son are equal in deity, but distinct in role: equal in dignity but different in duties. Jesus voluntarily yielded His will to the will of the Father, but in doing so He does not become less than the Father.
Submission is a broader concept than simply the marriage relationship. We all submit in different spheres of our life. We all need to learn how to live and work under authority, such as, in the church, the workplace, the government and school.
As a wife, by your respectful submission, you represent Jesus by showing how the church is to respond to Christ. You can show this kind of life to your husband even if he is not a Christian. Let¡¯s focus closely on the text to see how it describes two ways in which a wife respectfully submits to her husband. First,
As to the Lord
What does this mean? As the wife submits to her husband she also submits to Christ. Submission to her husband is merely a by-product of her submission to the Lord. Ultimately a wife does not submit to her husband because he is so great, but because Christ is so great. Her submission is to the Lord Jesus and that leads to submitting to her husband, no matter whether he is loving or not. This truth also qualifies submission to her husband. A wife should never submit to anything against Christ. The Bible says;
We must obey God rather than men. Acts 5:29.
You must submit to Christ as the higher authority over your husband. Do not follow your husband into sinful behavior such as lying.
Also submission is not oppression. No woman should be abused and no man should ever use the Bible as a club. If your husband is abusing you physically or emotionally, reach out for help.
Paul says wives are to submit as to the Lord for a clear reason, because the husband is head of his wife.
Because the husband is head of his wife
Interestingly this truth is in the verses addressed to wives, not in the section addressed to husbands. Husbands, we are not told to be the head of our wives or to lead them. Headship is assumed. It is a fact. We have that position. If you have a wife then you are a husband, much as if you have a child then you are a dad. The point is now what kind of head will you be?
For wives the point is that you should submit to your husband as to the Lord because God has set up marriage so that your husband is your head. This does not connote superiority, but a differentiation of role. The husband is the one with final responsibility for the marriage. The husband does not strive to be the head. He is the head.
In verse twenty-four we see the second way that a wife is to submit to her husband: as the church submits to Christ.
As the church submits to Christ
So how does the church submit to Christ? The church follows the lead of Jesus Christ. He is our Savior. We are to follow his example. So a wife is to follow her husband as he follows Christ.
The point of submission is not about specific duties or functions. Many people have confused interpretation with application. Submission is a principle that will look quite differently in different marriages and cultures through history. Submission does not mean that a wife cooks the food or that she does not mow the yard. In our marriage I kind of hate to admit it, but Tamara is much better at fixing things than I am. She wears the tool belt in the family. In some marriages the husband is the gourmet cook. I¡¯m not.
Let¡¯s be real. Submission can be very hard. It runs against natural tendencies. What about husbands? What does God say to them? Husbands, we have a higher obligation than submission. We are to lovingly sacrifice for our wives.
Husbands sacrificially love your wife as Christ loves the church.
Listen to Paul¡¯s instruction to husbands starting in verse twenty-five.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church¡ª 30 for we are members of his body. Ephesians 5:25¨C30
Husbands as Christ¡¯s love for the church in unconditionally so should our love for our wives be even when they are undeserving or being unlovable. Christ gave himself for us when we were still sinners, opposed to him.
In the ancient world by and large, women were viewed as inferior and were given relatively little freedom. They were minimally educated, could not be witnesses in a court of law, could not adopt children or make a contract, could not own property or inherit. They were seen as less intelligent and less moral. Paul¡¯s words change the picture dramatically.
Since wives are asked to submit, one might expect the text would ask husbands to rule in an appropriate way. It does not; instead, it asks husbands to love the just as way Christ loved the church. The analogy between husbands and Christ is not concerned with headship but love, that is, not ¡°be heads over your wives¡± but ¡°love your wives.¡± How are husbands to love as Christ loves? The text gives two specific ways that husbands are to show Christ-like love. First we are to give ourselves as Christ gave himself up for the church.
By giving yourself up for your wife
Husbands, we are not to submit to our wives, we have a higher obligation. We are to lovingly sacrifice for them. Christ died for the church. The church did not die for Christ. The Bible says there is no greater love than when one lays down his life (John 15:13). Will you give your life for your wife? Philippians chapter 2 offers the best description of Christ¡¯s sacrificial love that we are to imitate.
6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Philippians 2:6-7.
Although he is God, Jesus become human to die for us so we can be saved by faith in him. Although we have the authority of being the head, we are not to grasp on to that authority, but to make ourselves nothing for our wife. Tamara and I still remember a simple illustration our pastor told us before we got married. If it is raining outside and you, the husband, have an umbrella. You bought it. You own it. You have the right to use it, but you give it to our wife, not out of obligation because she tells you to, but out of sacrificial love. The example that has most impressed and challenged me is Robertson McQuilkan who was the President of Columbia Seminary, a Christian leader and author known around the world. His wife Muriel got Alzheimers. There was money to provide the best care for her, but he resigned his position at the height of his career to care for Muriel. Even after she did not recognize him, he continued to care for her until she died. That is sacrificial love.
Husbands, when was the last time you sacrificed something for your wife? When did you give something up for her? And if you did was it little or was it a big thing? Think of a way you can love your wife sacrificially with Christ¡¯s love by giving something up for her.
In verses twenty-six and twenty-seven, Jesus makes the church holy, cleanses her in salvation and then works in our lives to gradually remove moral blemishes so we are more and more blameless until the day he presents us to himself as a glorious, radiant church. By analogy, how in this same way, are husbands to love their wives? I think the point is that we are to give ourselves up for our wife for her spiritual benefit so she is radiant.
For her benefit so she is radiant
We are to be givers not takers. We are not to be self-centered, but to act on behalf of our wife¡¯s best interests. We are to give ourselves up for our wife¡¯s ultimate good so that she is radiant. Husbands when you sacrificially love your wife for her benefit, she will smile. Her eyes will twinkle with joy. Worry lines will disappear. Fear will vanish from her face. She will be able to relax and be at ease. She will be radiant in response to your love.
In verse twenty-eight Paul makes the connection that in this same way we are to love our wife as our own body. Then Paul says that no one ever hated his body but feed and cares for it just as Christ does the church. So the second way we are to love our wives is by caring for her as you do your own body as Christ cares for the church.
By caring for her as you do for your own body
as Christ cares for the Church
How does Christ care for the Church? He brought it into one body. Christ nurtures and takes tender care of his body, the church by being there for us, strengthening us and helping us grow. Paul uses two words that are charged with affection. Older versions said we are to nurture and cherish our wife. We are to take tender care of our wife as Christ takes care of his church.
Husbands, do you treat your wife with tender care or do you treat her objectively like a business partner? Too many of us bring our work attitudes home and treat our wives like employees or work associates. Cherish our wife. Hold her hand; open doors, make a fuss over her; adore her; be tender and gentle with her. In a parallel passage, Peter says;
7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7
Do you know your wife? Her shoe size? Her deepest desires? How about where she would like to go for a nice dinner? Men, do you care for your wife by putting her needs first, doing what she enjoys, watch the Home and Garden channel? Care for your wife with your words. Praise her, privately and publicly. Listen to her. Take your wife seriously. Take an interest in her life. Care for your wife by being sensitive to her energy levels. Care for your wife by being sensitive to the fact that she is pregnant or dealing with a physical constraint. She may need to take a nap. Be sensitive in the area of marital intimacy. Do not force something. If you feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling, consider how you are treating your wife.
Too many men give their wives selfish demands rather than sacrificial love. If you are not showing sacrificial love to your wife you are hurting the Gospel. So get your act together for the sake of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul ends the chapter with what he says is the great mystery.
The greater mystery: Christ and the Church
Paul quotes Genesis 2:24 the foundational verse on marriage, but then he shocks us by applying it not to husbands and wives but to Christ and the Church. Follow with me in verse thirty-one.
31 ¡°For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.¡± 32 This is a profound mystery¡ªbut I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:31¨C33
The profound mystery is the union of Christ and his church, us. Christ is so connected with us that we are his body. He left his Father and unites us to himself so that we become his body. He mixes two metaphors: the Church is both the bride of Christ and the body of Christ. How is that? It was true once before of Adam; his bride Eve was also his body because she was taken from Adam¡¯s side. Jesus Christ is called the second Adam. His side was wounded with a spear and from that wounding has come the one who is his body, the Church, who will one day be presented to him as his holy wife.
Our relationship as husband and wife is based not only on creation as we saw from Genesis last week, but it is also based on the Gospel, on Christ¡¯s love for his church. As husbands and wives, we model Christ and the church. Fundamentally, a husband is to sacrificially love his wife as Christ does the church and a wife is to respectfully submit to her husband as the church does to Christ. The primary purpose of marriage is not happiness, but carrying out Christ¡¯s mission. The point is for you together as a couple to help more people find and follow Christ. Your marriage can help or hinder the mission of Jesus. You cannot snap your fingers and have the kind of marriage for which you have dreamed. It takes hard work. If you want a marriage made in heaven, it is yours ¨C but only on God¡¯s terms. Let¡¯s live out God¡¯s truths in our marriages. Submit and sacrifice.
Footnotes:
Snodgrass, Klyne. The NIV Application commentary from biblical text to contemporary life: Ephesians. Grand Rapids. Zondervan, 1996. Pp 292
Hoehner, Harold W. Ephesians: An Exegetical Commentary. Grand Rapids. Baker Academic, 2002. Pp 737
Hoehner, Harold W. Ephesians: An Exegetical Commentary. Grand Rapids. Baker Academic, 2002. Pp 738
Snodgrass, Klyne. The NIV Application commentary from biblical text to contemporary life: Ephesians. Grand Rapids. Zondervan, 1996. Pp 303
Snodgrass, Klyne. The NIV Application commentary from biblical text to contemporary life: Ephesians. Grand Rapids. Zondervan, 1996. Pp 296
Snodgrass, Klyne. The NIV Application commentary from biblical text to contemporary life: Ephesians. Grand Rapids. Zondervan, 1996. Pp 296
Hoehner, Harold W. Ephesians: An Exegetical Commentary. Grand Rapids. Baker Academic, 2002. Pp 749
