Father’s Day
A Real Man
Scriptures: Luke 15: 20-25; John 11:35
Introduction:
On Mother’s Day I shared with you that there is a special bond between a mother and her child. This bond is different from that of a father and his child. During that message I told you that a mother has a nine month head start in the development of the relationship with her unborn child, but I was a little off on that statement. While the mother does carry the unborn child and the child becomes sensitized to some things based on its mother, there are things the father can and should do that begins to foster a bond between him and the fetus. For example, if a father reads or sings to his unborn child the baby will recognize its father’s voice upon delivery. Once the baby is born the father can immediately start building an attachment by spending time with the baby. The baby will quickly begin to learn the smell of its father as well as reacquaint itself with their father’s voice. The first few weeks after a baby if born are an important time for the father to begin establishing a bond with the baby. However, because men have been traumatized as boys, we sometime find it difficult to maintain that bond as the child grows. This morning we will examine why it can be difficult for a father to establish and maintain that special bond he should have with his children. Before we get there, I first want to take you to a very familiar chapter in Scripture. Please turn with me to Luke chapter fifteen.
I. A Forgiving Father
This chapter contains a story that Jesus told of a son who left home. This story is referred to as the story of the prodigal son. This morning, in contrast to what we often focus on when we read this story, I want to focus on the father. I want you to think of this story as the “forgiving father” versus the prodigal son. Let’s begin reading at verse twenty.
“So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And his son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son. But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.”
If you were the father, based on fathers today, what would you do in this situation? I am asking this question because in our society today, men are required to be “real men.” This notion of a real man hinders our abilities to develop lasting bonds with our children, especially our sons. Let me explain what I am talking about and then I will come back to this Scripture.
II. “Real Men” Fathers
I want to examine the philosophy of “real men” and hopefully demonstrate how that hinders our bonds with our children. Consider this; have you ever wondered why some men seem to be so detached at times from their children? Well, it is not our fault as we have been trained to be that way. We can blame society and our parents for giving in to the pressures placed on them to raise a “real man.” What is a “real man?” One of the definitions of “real” is “to be authentic or genuine.” According to this definition, a real man is an authentic or genuine man. He’s a man’s man? In other words supposedly there is “nothing” feminine about him. Let me give you three examples of something “real men” are supposed to do and how these three actions impact our bonding experience with our children – especially our sons. I keep expressing sons because what we put in them now is what they will put into their sons and it will keep going and going. Let me give you this disclaimer that says not all “real men” are “real men” according to society’s definition. However, for this message, I am talking about society’s “real men.” Let’s begin with the first one, “real men don’t cry.”
• A real man does not cry. When we are boys, we are taught to be tough. We are only allowed to cry when we are babies. As we get older, if we cry we are told to stop being a “cry baby.” With these influences you can understand why men don’t cry. If a little girl falls down and starts to cry, the parents will pick that little girl up, hug her, and kiss her until she feels better. If the same happens to a little boy, he is told to shake it off and be a man! Boys are taught to fall down (sometime with the help of others) and to get up without shedding a tear. If a little boy cries he is sometimes referred to as a “sissy.” Let me tell you how deep this goes. The worse name you can call a boy on the playground is “sissy.” You call a boy a sissy and he is ready to fight unless in our eyes he really is a sissy. So I went to Webster’s dictionary to get the definition of sissy. The definition according to this dictionary is “an effeminate boy or man – a timid person.” OUCH! To ensure I understood this completely, I looked up the word effeminate to cover al of my bases. Here is the definition of effeminate: “Having qualities attributed to a woman.” Well that is not so bad considering they generally outlive us – maybe we can learn some things from them. Then I kept reading as it gave me some examples of what these qualities were; “Having qualities attributed to a woman such as weakness, delicacy” and get this, “unmanly.” Are you starting to see the problem? A crying boy traumatizes a “real man” because real men do not cry. We stand firm and handle our business. We are the strong one that everyone can rely on to hold it together because that is what a real man does. Well, let me tell you that are one lie that “real men” need to cast down. Because we are not allowed to cry, we hold our emotions in until it has a physical impact on our bodies. The shortest verse in the bible is two words and it is recorded in John 11:35. You know what it says? “Jesus wept!” When you read this story you will find that when Jesus came to the tomb of His friend Lazarus and saw the people crying, the Bible says that He wept. He cried; not silently like a “real man”, but out loud like a woman. Now if my Savior can cry, it is okay for me to cry. I even tear up at movies now – but I have not let the tear fall yet. This is very important to understand because our raising of “real men” is continuing the cycle of men not being able to develop a real bond with their “sons.” This does not impact necessarily how we relate to our daughters – the weaker vessel – but how we relate to our sons and making them men. So the first hindrance to a father’s bond with his son is this notion that men don’t cry which mean that men are not allowed to be in touch with their true feeling. It also affects our relationship with our bonds. Our daughters need to see us as a whole person versus the one who has no emotions. If they see us as a whole person demonstrating strength, emotional stability, and yes even weakness at times, they will grow up realizing that all of the bravado some men put out to attract a woman is just a reflection of a hard shell outside with an empty center. Let’s go to the second one which might make some of our real men skin crawl.
• Boys do not play with dolls? Have you ever seen a boy playing with a doll? Men – did it make your skin crawl? If it were true that boys do not play with dolls, then all of the GI Joes with the kung fu grips would be taken off the markets. A GI Joe is a doll for a boy! Get used to it. It is an acceptable doll for a boy because it is male, looks tough; and can fight (with the help of its owner.) Men, how many of you had a GI Joe when you were growing up and if you did not have one, you wanted one? Now, what about the “male” doll Ken? Remember him? He was Barbie’s boyfriend. How many of you wanted a “Ken doll?” Ken dolls were made for girls, not boys. He was made so that girls could learn at a very early age about relationship. While boys focused on fighting and being “real men” girls were playing and making up “relationships.” You see the difference? I know some of you men are paranoid that if your son played with dolls he would grow up to be a sissy or something worse, but that is not necessarily true. We have no problem with our daughters playing with “boy toys” but we’d lose it if we came home and found our sons playing with Ken and Barbie. I propose that if we allow our sons to start learning about appropriate relationships early then some of the problem men face as fathers would work themselves out. We would know how to nurture both our sons and our daughters. We would freely hug our sons and our daughters, equally. And here is what I need you to see; our children need us to do these things as fathers because it gives them a real sense of security unlike what they receive from their mothers. I am not telling you to go out and buy your sons some dolls; I am just trying to give you thing to consider as you think about what a “real man” is.
• Going to work. When I was a boy, my brother, next door neighbor Gerald, and I would spend hours in the back yard building roads in the dirt. We all had cars that we would drive on these dirt roads. We would drive to work and back home. We would literally do this for hours. As boys we practice going to work. Why? Because that is what we saw our father’s doing. Establishing this idea of a strong work ethic and positive re-enforcement was part of the idea behind taking your child to work day. When a child sees their father going to work it fosters the idea that he is a real man. This idea is so strongly placed within a man that when we do not work it impacts us on a deeper level. It is not something to take lightly. I remember the brief time that I was unemployed years ago and how it affected my thoughts of myself. The idea has always been that the man goes to work to provide for his family and that thought is still present today even though women work outside the home in larger numbers than ever before. The idea of a “real man” working is something that is a driving force today in our economy. There is more depression today because of men being out of work as ever. The one thing men teach their sons (or at least try to teach their sons) is that they should work and take care of their family. A man that refuses to work; notice I say “refuses” to work; is often seen differently than a man willing to work but is struggling to find the job. This is because of how we have trained our men to think. I cannot tell you the numbers of times I have heard a woman say I want a “BMW” and I am not talking about the car.
III. The Forgiving Father
Let’s go back to the story of the forgiving father. Based on what I just shared with you, was the forgiving father a real man? Let’s review his actions:
• First, when he saw his son he did not wait for his son to come to him and beg forgiveness. He did not wait for his son to tell him that he had learned from his mistake. He did not tell his son “You made this bed now you must sleep in it.” These are the things a real man of today would do. This father saw his son; felt compassion for him; got up and ran to him; embraced him and kissed him. He hugged and kissed his son! How many of you fathers with sons have hugged and kissed your sons lately? If you have not, then you’re a “real man” by society’s standard but not by God’s!
• When his son told him that he had sinned and was no longer worthy to be called his son, this father did not say “You got that right!” His father did not tell him he was a loser and an embarrassment because he had lost all of his father’s money. No, his father called his servants and threw a party. He celebrated that his son whom he thought was dead was alive and well. He forgave his son and allowed him to come home.
So here is the question for the fathers – are you a real man or are you “God’s man?” If your answer is that you’re God’s man, then it is time that we put away some of society’s definitions of who we are supposed to be. I wish every father a blessed Father’s Day. Remember, the bond that you have with your children has been tainted in some ways by society’s influence but it is not too late to change it. Reach out to your kids. If you have a son, reach out to your sons as a father, not as what society calls a “real man.” Let them know you’re interested in them as a person and as your son. May God bless and keep you.
