Defying the outdated image of absent fathers, today’s dads are more visible than ever, both in sheer numbers and in domestic life. Whether biological, adoptive or step, fathers recently reached a record 8.6 million in Canada — enough to populate Toronto more than three times over. They’re also a stronger presence at home, with Statistics Canada reporting that dads are logging more time with their kids, doing a greater share of housework, and engaging in family life like never before.
In spite of the benefits of increased time and participation with children in general, there is one factor that governments, schools, social institutions and public opinion in general want to eliminate: discipline. The argument from so called parental experts like Montessori and Spock, is that disciplining children will just provoke them to anger and violence. They should be allowed to develop on their own without parental interference.
Much like a garden that develops on its own, in such a case we quickly see weeds overcrowd healthy growth. Without disciple and godly instruction, the foolishness and natural rebellion in children, unchecked, will only escalate.
But in dealing with discipline, if we are all honest we must admit that we have all made mistakes. At times we have either let our anger get the better of us and disciplined harshly, or through business or distraction, failed to discipline. We may have had poor role models, conflicting advice or if we don’t have kids think that this is not a topic of concern.
What God says to the Church of Ephesus and to us is that for all who are called the covenant community of faith, that discipline and instruction must be encouraged in the family. We are to teach and model the traits of godliness while lifting up the role of Fathers to fulfill their God given responsibly.
In God’s Call of the Father for disciple and instruction, He presents it through 1) The Negative Command (Ephesians 6:4a) 2) The Positive Command (Ephesians 6:4b)
1) The Negative Command (Ephesians 6:4a)
Ephesians 6:4a [4]Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, (but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord). (ESV)
Note the fairness of these admonitions in Ephesians. The duty of wives is not stressed at the expense of that of husbands, nor that of slaves to the neglect of that of masters. So also here: the admonition addressed to fathers follows hard upon that directed to children (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (261). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.)
Paul’s first command to parents is negative: fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. That was a totally new concept for Paul’s day, especially in such pagan strongholds as Ephesus. Most families were in shambles, and mutual love among family members was almost unheard of. A father’s love for his children would have been hard even to imagine. In contemporary society the Roman patria potestas, that is, the authority of the head of the house, gave the father unlimited power over his children, and this law exercised a considerable degree of influence in the Hellenistic culture generally. In Hellenistic Judaism severe punishment could be meted out to disobedient children. He could cast any of them out of the house, sell them as slaves, or even kill them—and be accountable to no one. A newborn child was placed at its father’s feet to determine its fate. If the father picked it up, the child was allowed to stay in the home; if the father walked away, it was simply disposed of—much as aborted babies are in our own day. Discarded infants who were healthy and vigorous were collected and taken each night to the town forum, where they would be picked up and raised to be slaves or prostitutes. (This command in Ephesians 6:4) was new, and in this household table (cf. Col. 3:21) fathers are told nothing about their power of disposal over their children. Instead, their duties are spelled out (O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians. The Pillar New Testament Commentary (445). Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
Yet, according to a recent report, the primary cause for children being in foster homes today is not the divorce, financial destitution, or death of their parents, but simply the disinterest of their parents. And perhaps the most devastating abuse a child can experience is that of being neglected, treated almost as if he did not exist. In the quarrel between David and his son Absalom was the fault entirely on Absalom’s side? Was not David also partly to blame because he neglected his son? (2 Sam. 14:13, 28) (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (262). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
Although it is true that the word “fathers” (patēres ) at times includes “mothers” (Heb. 11:23), just as “brothers” may include “sisters,” and that the directive here given certainly applies also to mothers, nevertheless it would hardly be correct in the present passage to substitute the word “parents” for “fathers.” The fact that in verse 1 Paul employs the more usual word for parents seems to indicate that here in verse 4 fathers means just that. The reasons why the apostle addresses himself especially to them could well be a. because upon them as heads of their respective families the chief responsibility for the education of the children rests; and b. perhaps also because they, in certain instances even more than the mothers, are in need of the admonition here conveyed (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (261). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
Because a father was by far the dominant figure in the households of that day, he was the parent who would most often provoke his children to anger. But a mother is obviously capable of doing the same thing, and she is no more justified in doing it than is a father.
Grammatically, the command is expressed as a PRESENT ACTIVE IMPERATIVE with the NEGATIVE PARTICLE which usually means to stop an act already in process (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
To provoke … to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep–seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility. Such treatment is usually not intended to provoke … anger. Often it is thought to be for the child’s good, Well–meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children. Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children—usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship.
Please turn to Colossians 3 (p.984)
Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commensurate with their age and maturity. Their wills can be guided but they cannot be controlled.
Notice the patter of mutual consideration:
Colossians 3:18-4:1 [18]Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. [19]Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. [20]Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. [21]Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. [22]Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. [23]Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, [24]knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. [25]For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. [4:1]Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. (ESV)
Another common cause of provoking children to anger is favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob and Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau (Gen. 25:28).. That dual and conflicting favoritism not only caused great trouble for the immediate family but has continued to have repercussions in the conflicts between the descendants of Jacob and Esau until our present day!
For parents to compare their children with each other, especially in the children’s presence, can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged, resentful, withdrawn, and bitter. Favoritism by parents generally leads to favoritism among the children themselves, who pick up the practice from their parents. They will favor one brother or sister over the others and will often favor one parent over the other.
A third way parents provoke their children is by pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds. A child can be so pressured to achieve that he is virtually destroyed. He quickly learns that nothing he does is sufficient to please his parents. No sooner does he accomplish one goal than he is challenged to accomplish something better. Fathers who fantasize their own achievements through the athletic skills of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a glamorous career through the lives of their daughters prostitute their responsibility as parents.
A fourth way children are provoked is by discouragement. A child who is never complimented or encouraged by his parents is destined for trouble. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will soon lose hope and become convinced that he is incapable of doing anything right. At that point he has no reason even to try. Parents can always find something that a child genuinely does well, and they should show appreciation for it. A child needs approval and encouragement in things that are good every bit as much as he needs correction in things that are not.
A fifth way provocation occurs is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their children and making them feel unwanted. Children who are made to feel that they are an intrusion, that they are always in the way and interfere with the plans and happiness of the parents, cannot help becoming resentful. To such children the parents themselves will eventually become unwanted and an intrusion on the children’s plans and happiness.
A sixth form of provocation comes from failing to let children grow up at a normal pace. Chiding them for always acting childish, even when what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, does not contribute to their maturity but rather helps confirm them in their childishness.
A seventh way of angering children is that of using love as a tool of reward or punishment—granting it when a child is good and withdrawing it when he is bad. Often the practice is unconscious, but a child can sense if a parent cares for him less when is he disobedient than when he behaves. That is not how God loves and is not the way he intends human parents to love. God disciplines His children just as much out of love as He blesses them (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so easy to punish out of anger and resentment, parents should take special care to let their children know they love them when discipline is given.
An eighth way to provoke children is by physical and verbal abuse. Battered children are a growing tragedy today. Even Christian parents—fathers especially—sometimes overreact and spank their children much harder than necessary. Proper physical discipline is not a matter of exerting superior authority and strength, but of correcting in love and reasonableness. Children are also abused verbally. A parent can as easily overpower a child with words as with physical force. Putting him down with superior arguments or sarcasm can inflict serious harm, and provokes him to anger and resentment. It is amazing that we sometimes say things to our children that we would not think of saying to anyone else—for fear of ruining our reputation!
Quote: If provocation to anger is to be avoided, what should be the goal? General Douglas MacArthur said it like this: “Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid; one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
“Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee … and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.
“Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high, a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.
“And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of a sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously. Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom and the meekness of true strength.
“Then I, his father, will dare to whisper, “I have not lived in vain.””
(1633 An Old Soldier’s Prayer by Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur as found in: Tan, P. L. (1996). Encyclopedia of 7700 Illustrations: Signs of the Times. Garland, TX: Bible Communications, Inc.)
2) The Positive Command (Ephesians 6:4b)
Ephesians 6:4b [4](Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger,) but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (ESV)
Harvard University sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck developed a test (that proved to be 90 percent accurate) to determine whether or not five– and six–year–olds would become delinquent. They discovered that the four primary factors necessary to prevent delinquency are: the father’s firm, fair, and consistent discipline; the mother’s supervision and companionship during the day; the parent’s demonstrated affection for each other and for the children; and the family’s spending time together in activities where all participated (Unraveling Juvenile Delinquency [Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard Univ. Press, 1950], pp. 257–71).
The Christian psychiatrist Dr. Paul Meier gives a similar list of factors that produce right parent–child relations: genuine love of the parents for each other and for the children; firm, consistent discipline; consistency of standards for parents and children; the right example by parents; and the father as true head of the home. He also comments that the vast majority of neurotics have grown up in homes where there was no father or where he was dominated by the mother (Christian Child–Rearing and Personality Development [Grand Rapids: Baker, 1980], pp. 81–82).
The positive command to parents is for them to bring up [their children] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. All the time, foremost in the parents’ minds, is to be not just the harmonious relationships of the home, or the happiness of the children, but their regard for the Lord. The highest duty of parents is to bring … up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Foulkes, F. (1989). Vol. 10: Ephesians: An introduction and commentary. Tyndale New Testament Commentaries (170). Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.).
Children are a heritage from the Lord; they are to be reared for him. The verb translated “bring up” (ektrephete) has to do in the first place with bodily nourishment (Eph 5:29) and then with education in its entirety. This is a PRESENT ACTIVE IMPERATIVE As it is the husband’s responsibility to continue to help his wife grow to spiritual maturity and giftedness, he is also to help his children reach their full spiritual maturity and giftedness (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
Paideia (discipline/nurture) comes from the word pais (child) and refers to the systematic training of children. It involves chastening in act where needed (Job 5:17; Heb 12:7) (Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (Eph 6:4). Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.)
This doesn’t mean that they are to be treated as if they were a cross between an orchid and a piece of Dresden china. It’s been said that the board of education should be applied to the seat of learning whenever it is needed.
Illustration: There is the story of the father whipping the little boy and saying, “Son, this hurts me more than it hurts you.” The boy replied, “Yeah, but not in the same place!” (McGee, J. V. (1997). Vol. 5: Thru the Bible commentary (electronic ed.) (274). Nashville: Thomas Nelson)
Please turn to Hebrews 12 (p.1009)
The writer of Proverbs had a great deal to say about this:
Why do we need to discipline: Proverbs 22:15 [15]Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
What is discipline: Proverbs 13:24 [24]Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
What path does discipline discourage: Proverbs 23:13-14 [13]Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.[14]If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.
When do we need to discipline: Proverbs 19:18 [18]Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
What does discipline bring Proverbs 29:15 [15]The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Proverbs 29:17 [17]Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
This all makes sense in the context of God’s purpose for discipline:
Hebrews 12:5-11 [5]And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. [6]For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."[7]It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? [8]If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. [9]Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? [10]For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. [11]For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (ESV)
• Paul’s meaning in Ephesians 6:4 is expressed even more fully, however, in the proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (22:6). Discipline has to do with the overall training of children, including punishment.
Nouthesia (instruction/admonition) is literally a “putting in mind” and also includes the connotation of correction. “Instruction” (nouthesia) is correction by word of mouth. Remonstration and reproof are implied, but also advice and encouragement. Goodspeed saw here the beginnings of Christian education in the home (Wood, A. S. (1981). Ephesians. In F. E. Gaebelein (Ed.), The Expositor's Bible Commentary, Volume 11: Ephesians through Philemon (F. E. Gaebelein, Ed.) (82). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House.)
It refers to the type of instruction found in the book of Proverbs, where the primary focus is on the training and teaching of children. It does not have as much to do with factual information as with right attitudes and principles of behavior. This training by words (De 6:7; “catechise,” Pr 22:6, Margin), is giving encouragement, or argument, or reproof, according as is required (Jamieson, R., Fausset, A. R., & Brown, D. (1997). Commentary Critical and Explanatory on the Whole Bible (Eph 6:4). Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.)
“Instruction/admonition” would seem to be somewhat milder than “discipline.” Nevertheless, it must be earnest, not just a feeble observation such as, “No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear” (1 Sam. 2:24). In fact, it is distinctly reported that Eli “did not admonish them [his sons]” (1 Sam. 3:13) (Hendriksen, W., & Kistemaker, S. J. (1953-2001). Vol. 7: Exposition of Ephesians. New Testament Commentary (262). Grand Rapids: Baker Book House.).
In the Greco-Roman world, after age seven and until about age sixteen the father ostensibly had charge of a son’s education (cf. Plutarch, Cato Major 20; Prudentius, Contra Symmachum 1.197–214), though a pedagogue and a tutor were normally enlisted to aid in the task. The education, besides learning to read and write, included training in ethics, religion, household management, philosophy, public service (liturgies), and the early exercises which would lead to a knowledge of rhetoric (pseudo-Plutarch, Education of Children 7DE) (Witherington, B., III. (2007). The letters to Philemon, the Colossians, and the Ephesians : A socio-rhetorical commentary on the captivity Epistles (337). Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
Yet, fathers are not ultimate authorities, but Christian stewards of their families. Fathers are not to teach personal preferences, but spiritual truths. The goal is not parental authority, but passing on God’s authority to children. There is always a generation gap, but never a divine authority gap. Children do not have to reflect parental habits, choices or lifestyle to be pleasing to God. We must be careful of the desire to mold our children into our current cultural mold or reflect our personal preferences (Utley, R. J. (1997). Vol. Volume 8: Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians). Study Guide Commentary Series (135). Marshall, TX: Bible Lessons International.).
The key to right discipline and instruction of children is its being of the Lord. The phrase could be understood as a subjective genitive, indicating that the discipline/training and instruction is in the sphere of the Lord or has him as its reference point. Behind those who teach and discipline their children stands the Lord himself. Ultimately, the concern of parents is not simply that their sons and daughters will be obedient to their authority, but that through this godly training and admonition their children will come to know and obey the Lord himself. Accordingly, learning Christ and being instructed in the truth that is in Jesus occur not only within the Christian community as a whole, but also and particularly within the family, coming from fathers whose lives are being shaped by this Christ-centred apostolic tradition (O’Brien, P. T. (1999). The letter to the Ephesians. The Pillar New Testament Commentary (446–447). Grand Rapids, MI: W.B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.).
(Format Note: Some base commentary from MacArthur, J. (1996). Ephesians (315–319). Chicago: Moody Press.)
