“Getting A Clue: What’s Marriage Really All About?”
Mt. 19:1-12; Eph. 5:22-33
Sometimes, to fully understand something we need to see a picture of how things really are. For example, we know our heart pumps life-giving blood that keeps us alive. But it’s only when we see a picture of the heart that we really begin to grasp its’ intricacies and importance. Or think about a backache – ever wonder how a kink in your back can give you a headache? Only when we see a picture of how the spine is connected to the body in multi-faceted ways can we really know what the headache and spine a really all about. So, too, we cannot fully understand or appreciate what marriage is all about until we see a picture of the way things really are – and are not. So this morning we look at the pictures the Bible paints of marriage.
To begin with, let’s look at what MARRIAGE IS NOT. While there are many things marriage is not, I want to stress this morning one item in particular: MARRIAGE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. God designed marriage but does not design everyone for or call everyone to marriage. Singleness is as high a calling as marriage. In God’s eyes, MARRIED PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE A SUPERIOR STATUS TO SINGLE PEOPLE. 1 Corinthians 7 is a wonderful, insightful passage, where Paul talks about the married life alongside the single life. There were some in Corinth who believed that being single was the Christian ideal; so Paul dispels that idea but also affirms heartily that singleness with celibacy is highly valued. He points out that Christians who remain single often display an admirable intensity in their devotion to the Lord. Listen (32-35): “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
Nicole Doyley, in her most helpful article for women “You Were Made for More Than a Ring” states: “I’ve heard it said a woman’s highest calling is to be a wife and mother. I disagree. I think the highest calling for you is to be in the will of God. I certainly don’t think that Gladys Aylward or Corrie TenBoom were less important than my dear friend who stays home raising her seven children. These women are all heroines who have poured themselves out for other people and changed lives for the good. What is God calling you to do? I know He’s whispering an assignment in your ear and trying to stir a passion in you other than the sexual passion you dream about. He has something for you to focus on other than the left ring finger of every man you meet. He has something for you to be excited about other than the hello of the handsome man in your office…If you re ingle, the goal for you right now is to figure out why you were created and to move forward with a sense of purpose…”(i) She goes on to say that if a woman gets married her highest calling will still be walking in the will of God.
We read Jesus’ own words (Mt. 19:11-12 GNT): “This teaching does not apply to everyone, but only to those to whom God has given it. For there are different reasons why men cannot marry: some, because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. Let him who can accept this teaching do so.”
In other words, SINGLENESS IS A HIGH DIVINE CALLING. Stanley Hauerwas posits it eloquently: “One of the few clear differences between Christianity and Judaism is the former’s entertainment of the idea of singleness as the paradigm way of life for its followers…Singleness was legitimate, not because sex was thought to be a particularly questionable activity, but because the mission of the church was such that ‘between the times’ the church required those who were capable of complete service to the Kingdom…And we must remember that the ‘sacrifice’ made by the single is not that of ‘giving up sex,’ but the much more significant sacrifice of giving up heirs. There can be no more radical act than this, as it is the clearest institutional expression that one’s future is not guaranteed by the family, but by the church.” (ii) Tim Keller affirms this when he states, “Therefore, we are to choose between marriage and singleness not on the basis of whether we want the personal happiness and status of a family but on the basis of which state makes us most useful in the kingdom of God.” (iii)
If you are single, whether formerly married or never married, recognize your high calling. Paul, in 1 Cor. 7:17-24, summarized it: “Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them. Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.”
Yes, it’s difficult and hard work to be single (but then it’s difficult and hard work to be married!); but if God calls you to singlehood, treasure the words of Peter (1Pt. 4:13-14,19 NLT): “Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world. If you are insulted because you bear the name of Christ, you will be blessed, for the glorious Spirit of God rests upon you…So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you.”
If singleness is such a divine high calling, WHAT IS MARRIAGE really all about? First, marriage is ROOTED IN GOD. Our starting point must be the same as the Bible’s. When the Pharisees approached Jesus with a question about divorce, Jesus referred them back to Genesis: “… at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’” MARRIAGE IS A DIVINE INSTITUTION CREATED BY GOD. Humans did not create it. God established – instituted – marriage right from the get go. It is therefore divine. As Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council put it, “Marriage is not a creation of the law. Rather, it is recognized by the law.”
Marriage is the most fundamental human institution of society. At least three of the world’s major religions – Christianity, Judaism, and Islam – all posit the sanctity of marriage as the basis of society. Indeed, as the first thing God added to His original creation, MARRIAGE IS THE BASIS OF FAMILY AND SOCIETY. The strong marriage of a husband and wife provides for strong families, which in turn, provide for stable, healthy structures in society.
Therefore, to build a strong society WE MUST FOLLOW GOD’S RULES AND GUIDELINES. God has built laws into all of his creation. The Bible makes it very clear that when we follow those laws we are blessed and when we do not we are cursed. For example, God has designed flames to provide heat; if I put my hand in a fire, I will get burned. God has made gravity to hold us to the earth; if I jump off a tall building, I will plummet to the ground. Similarly, God has built laws into marriage. Marriage must be built according to the original blueprint and design. This is why our church requires everyone who is married in this church to undergo pre-marital counseling. It guarantees nothing, but it ensures that every couple will address issues that are critically important to a lasting marriage.
Marriage therefore serves as A REMINDER OF THE CONDITION OF SOCIETY. Marriage as the basis of family and society is also an historical fact so much so that the Communist Manifesto sought to destroy the family as the basic unit of society. It clearly stated, “We must rid ourselves of the bourgeois claptrap about the sacredness of the family, especially about the hallowed relationship of husband and wives and of parents to their children.” Their main method of accomplishing this was to shift the responsibility from the family to social institutions.(iv) With that as a backdrop, consider Carl Zimmerman’s book entitled ‘The Family and Civilization’. It focused on FAMILY FACTORS IN DECLINING NATIONS. He studied what took place in the great empires of history – what happened as the empires rose in power and then fell and disintegrated. It was unique in that he studied what took place in the family as the empire rose and declined. He found that there were three phases, the last of which listed more than a dozen attitudes and behaviors that surrounded and came from the family during the empire’s decline. Here are eight of them: increase in causeless divorce; marriage loses its sacredness; to save marriage, marriage is redefined; women lose their inclination for child bearing and rearing, resulting in what he called population decay; adultery is celebrated; parenthood becomes increasingly difficult for those who try to raise children; a rapid rise in and spread of juvenile delinquency; and there was common acceptance of all forms of sexual perversions. He concluded that #8 generally marks the final stage of societal disintegration. Zimmerman wrote the insightful book, by the way, in 1947! (v)
Robert P. George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University, even calls sound marriages AN ISSUE OF JUSTICE. “Marriage is the original and best department of health, education, and welfare. It plays an indispensable role in providing children with the structure, nurturing, and education that enables them both to flourish and to contribute to the flourishing of others. It enables them to become people who will respect themselves and respect others, and will order their own lives according to virtues like honesty, integrity, conscientiousness, the willingness to work hard, to defer gratification, and to respect the property and lives of others. All these virtues are indispensable in any society, since its legal, political, and economic institutions depend on them. But these virtues aren’t produced by legal, political, or economic institutions: they are produced by the family, which in turn is based on the marital covenant between husband and wife. When that is compromised – when the marriage culture begins to erode and then collapse in a community – the consequences are easy to see.” (vi)
Thirdly, marriage is all about being A REFLECTION OF JESUS’ RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CHURCH. Marriage is an icon, an image of Christ and the Church. This is Paul’s message in Ephesians 5. There is, of course, an Old Testament background in that the prophets regarded the Lord as husband of his people, entering into a marriage covenant with them, and loving them with steadfast love, even when, because of their idolatry, they were like an unfaithful wife who had committed adultery. But Paul’s picture, because it points to the cross, elevates the picture to that of a lover with total self-abandoning love. The whole passage fortifies and magnifies the principle Nicole Doyley was writing to singles: our ultimate aim and purpose is not to be single or married, but to be in relationship with and in the will of Jesus Christ.
Listen again to some of Paul’s words (Eph. 5:25f. MSG): “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives… This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.”
Robert Hogan suggested that marriage is like a grand pageant.(vii) The husband reflects the role of Jesus as he loves his wife in the same way and with the same passion Jesus Loves the Church, and the wife reflects the role of the believer, responding to her husband that way the Church responds to the love of Jesus. The high calling of marriage is to reflect and anticipate Rev. 21:9 (NLT) and a grand, final wedding: “Then one of the seven angels who held the seven bowls containing the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come with me! I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.””
Whether single or married, seek and do the will of God; love and serve as Jesus Christ loves and serves the church. It sounds so simple – but it’s so hard. It’s so hard because we are sinners living in a sinful world.
Perhaps I can illustrate it and summarize this whole series best with a diagram of three circles. (viii) The first circle is the field of God’s Design where His will is done – it’s therefore the arena of God’s blessings, a life of harmony and wholeness. But we move out of that field because we sin, exchanging the truth of God for a lie. We make singleness, marriage, sex, money, prosperity, success, popularity our idols. So we enter into the second circle, the field of brokenness; a life lived under the wrath of God whereby He lets humans have their way and suffer the consequences, a life much less than it was designed to be. So then we try to find ways to fix our brokenness, which makes matters worse. Eventually we discover that there must be something outside of us that can help, as we do not have the inner strength to change. Then the Gospel breaks in with its call to repent and believe. And when we do so God gives us the power and ability to recover and pursue God’s design for life. It doesn’t matter whether we’re single or married – it matters that we pursue God’s design for our lives. Our identity is found in Jesus.
So at this conclusion of our series let’s commit to pursuing Jesus. As Peter Hubbard powerfully wrote, “The gospel of Jesus is not an invitation to do better or try harder; it is a death certificate that unfolds into a new birth certificate, providing us with a renewed identity! The image of God that was marred in the Fall is revived in Jesus! We have been killed in Jesus’ death, buried in Jesus’ tomb, and raised in Jesus’ resurrection. When we turn from our sin to trust in Jesus, our old self no longer defines who we are and what we do. Our old slave masters have been exposed and deposed.” (ix)
It all happens because of Jesus Christ’s self-abandoning love for us. (2 Cor. 5:17 & 21) “When someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun! ... For God took the sinless Christ and poured into him our sins. Then, in exchange, he poured God’s goodness into us!”
Thank you Jesus. Let us pray.
(i) Nicole Doyley, You Were Made for More Than a Ring, Charisma, Feb. 2014, p. 33
(ii) Stanley Hauerwas, A Community of Character: Toward a Constructive Christian Social Ethic, (Notre Dame, Ind.: University of Notre Dame Press, 1981), 189-90 – as quoted in The Gospel and Sex, Dr. Timothy Keller, redeemercitytocity.com
(iii) Timothy Keller, Ibid
(iv) Quoted in Holy Wedlock or Unholy Deadlock, Thomas R. Jarrell, Pulpit Digest, May-June 1980, p. 33
(v) Dennis Rainey, Growing Great Commission Marriages, 10/29/2014
(vi) http://www.plough.com/en/articles/2014/october/marriage-can-we-have-justice-without-it
(vii) Robert Hogan, A Tale of Two Brides, ‘Church of the Saviour Pulpit’, Series: Ephesians No. 30, p. 3
(viii) Jimmy Scroggins
(ix) “Love Into Light: The Gospel, the Homosexual, and the Church”, Peter Hubbard, Ambassador Books, © 2013 by Peter Hubbard, p.26
