Introduction:
A. Linda gave up her college career because her new husband wanted her to stay home. She obliged him. Six months later, she had an abortion because her husband told her they weren’t ready to become parents. As Linda’s resentment grew over the next year, so did her loneliness. He protested that she was growing distant from him. She struggled to keep the marriage alive by trying to please him. He then complained she had no mind of her own. Infuriated, she threatened a marital separation, hoping he would begin to appreciate her. He presented her with a letter from his lawyer and shacked up with a woman he had been flirting with at work. Linda had to take a job in fast food to support herself. In between bouts of depression and anxiety, Linda cursed her husband’s name and refused to forgive him.
We feel for Linda, this is just wrong! However, over time, Linda’s lack of forgiveness will not injure her husband but herself. Some people say that forgiveness is not fair. It is the same as looking the other way and letting the guilty person go unpunished. We have all taken an unforgiving stance after being hurt. We may feel strong and righteous when we withhold forgiveness, but such feelings pale in comparison to the price we pay.
Need to understand that the blocks that prevent us from forgiving are within us. When we tell ourselves we must not forgive because the hurts are against us were too great, we are really telling ourselves that the person who hurt us has set the guidelines for forgiveness. We give the guilty party power over our lives and we injure only ourselves.
Thesis: Talk about the stumbling blocks to forgiveness
For instances:
1. Vengeance
Vengeance only adds to the pain, with each side feeling justified to counterattack, thereby making any kind of reconciliation impossible. Vengeance can convince us that our acts of retaliation are caused by the other person. After all, we would have never done what we did if they hadn’t hurt us first, or so the reasoning goes.
After Linda’s husband filed for divorce and left with the other woman, Linda set out on a vindictive course of action. She sought to fight him legally and take away every material possession she could possibly get, even more than she saw necessary. She felt he needed to be punished. But Linda’s strong retaliatory approach hurt her in the long run. As long as she focused on the damage her husband had done to her, she never evaluated and owned up to her own weaknesses and fears. It was as much her decision to leave college and have an abortion as it was her husband’s. We feel justified in seeking revenge.
“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:19-21
What if this person still commits this sin? What is this person still commits the same crime? Difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Talk more about this next week. When people are committing crimes, they need to be prosecuted so that this will not happen again. “I forgive you, but you have to give back what was stolen.” “I forgive you, but I am not going to be alone with you again.” “I forgive you, but your crime cannot stay unpunished.” Need to remember that Romans 13 comes after Romans 12:19-21.
2. Pride
One of the greatest obstacles to forgiveness is pride. Do not allow pride to interfere with opportunities to accept or offer forgiveness. To seek forgiveness means to admit that we’ve done something unspeakable that needs to be forgiven, and thus both parties must swallow the same thing: their pride.
Twice in NT- God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. For true forgiveness to take place, pride must be taken out of the way. A proud heart will never truly forgive. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14, 15, NIV. This really does sum up a prideful heart. We cannot be forgiven if we are too proud to forgive someone else.
“I caught my husband making love to another woman. He swore it would never happen again. He begged me to forgive him, but I could not—would not. I was so bitter and so incapable of swallowing my pride that I could think of nothing but revenge. I was going to make him pay and pay dearly. I’d have my pound of flesh. I filed for divorce, even though my children begged me not to. Even after the divorce, my husband tried for two years to win me back. I refused to have anything to do with him. He had struck first; now I was striking back. All I wanted was to make him pay. Finally he gave up and married a lovely widow with a couple of small children. He began rebuilding his life—without me. I see them occasionally, and he looks so happy. They all do. And here I am—a lonely, old, miserable woman who allowed her selfish pride and foolish stubbornness to ruin her life. Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left.
3. Labeling
The Scarlet Letter is about Hester Prynne who is forced to have a scarlet letter of A (Adultery) on her clothing at all times. Imagine having on our clothing all of our sins embroidered for all to see. In our day this would be ridiculous but we do something similar when we label people. How are people to overcome their sins and failings of their past if we constantly bring them up again and again? It is like we are putting a scarlet letter that can never be removed.
Yes, people do have personalities and attitudes that are uniquely their own. But it is also true that people act not just according to what they think of themselves, but according to what they think others think about them. It is like the child that is always told that he/she is stupid. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If we treat our spouse as if he or she has a particular quality, that quality will continually show itself. If that quality really was there to begin with, it will be displayed more often just because of the expectations.
This does not mean that we are responsible for traits of our spouse that are hurtful or undesirable. Each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. But if we are stuck in our effort to forgive our spouse, we would do well to consider whether we are reinforcing certain attitudes or behaviors because of our labels.
If used labels as weapons against my mate during an argument or discussion, we need to apologize and seek to repent of this. Let them know that this label is unfair and we should act more considerately. Need to challenge the validity of these labels.
There is power and authority in our words. Adam's first assignment was to name the animals. We wrongly use this authority when we assign negative labels to people. When we give them bad names. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21, NIV.
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he...” Proverbs 23:7, KJV. Keep hearing these labels from loved ones long enough, we tend to become them.
“Unforgiving” because of a label. Watch out for “Always,” and “Never”. Unable to move on
4. Inability to forgive oneself.
A. First Corinthians 13:5, Love "keeps no record of wrongs" (NIV). “No record" means not to reckon or impute. The word is important to Paul's doctrine of justification by faith. For the Christian, his faith is "credited" to him as righteousness (see Rom. 4:5). This is the same word used in 1 Corinthians 13:5. Forgiving oneself means to experience the love that keeps no record of our own wrongs. It is one thing to have this breakthrough regarding others; it is quite another to experience the greater breakthrough—forgiving ourselves. Many have trouble because of:
Anger. We may be angry with ourselves. Look at the Old Testament story of Joseph. As a type of Christ, Joseph said to his brothers, "'And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you'" (Gen. 45:5). These brothers were beginning to get the message that Joseph had forgiven them; he didn't want them to be angry with themselves. That is the way God forgives. Jesus does not want us to be angry with ourselves for our sins. Not forgiving ourselves is self-hatred. Joseph's brothers had hated themselves for selling Joseph into slavery. They could not take back what they had done. Some Christians who can't forgive themselves are, underneath it all, angry with themselves.
Guilt. “Our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:20, NIV. Not forgiving ourselves is a subtle way of competing with Christ's atonement. God has already punished Jesus for what we did (see 2 Cor. 5:17). Instead of accepting Jesus' sacrifice, I want to punish myself for my failures.
The sweet consequence of not keeping a record of all wrongs is that we let go of the past and its effect on the present. We find ourselves accepting ourselves as we are with all our failures (just as God does), knowing all the while our potential to make more mistakes. God never becomes disillusioned with us; He loves us and knows us inside out. Moses, David, Peter—all these men in the Bible had to forgive themselves before they could move into the ministry God had planned for them.
Conclusion and invitation:
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:7, 8, NIV.
The guilt that God uses is only to get our attention. That guilt should not stay through Christ and His blood. He doesn't beat us black and blue and require us to go on a 30-day fast to supplement Christ's atonement. He convicts us of sin to get our attention, but having done that, He wants us to move forward. The ability to forgive ourselves therefore extends from an understanding of grace. Mercy is not getting what we do deserve (justice). Grace is accepting what we don't deserve (forgiveness). It may seem unfair when we have been so horrible. We have let God down; we have let others down.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9, NIV. The blood of Jesus did a wonderful job. God is not looking for further satisfaction. Linda needs to respond to the gospel to be able to receive forgiveness and to forgive others.
