Introduction:
A. I want to begin today’s sermon with a video clip that contrasts the difference between newlyweds and not so newlyweds (Show video about newlyweds from Chip Ingram’s series “Marriage Built to Last”).
B. I want to follow up that video clip with two important questions:
1. Does the honeymoon ever have to be over?
2. Does the way we treated each other during courtship and the newlywed stage have to end?
3. Ultimately, the answer to those questions is: “No, It doesn’t have to.”
a. The loving way we treat each other during the honeymoon doesn’t have to end.
b. The loving way we treat each other during the courtship and newlywed stages doesn’t have to end.
4. What I’m going to suggest today is that one of the ways to affair-proof, divorce-proof, or jump-start a dead marriage is to return to the way we treated each other during courtship and when we were newlyweds.
5. As you know, we have been focusing on marriage for the last five sermons in our Marriage Matters series.
a. I hope you have found the lessons helpful as I’ve tried to be simple and practical.
b. Today’s sermon is the final lesson in the series.
C. As we begin today’s lesson, I want to employ an illustration that has to do with cars.
1. Some men and some women are really into cars, but all of us have experience with cars.
2. All of us know that cars have to be maintained.
a. All of us know what happens if you don’t change the oil, change the brakes, tune up the engine or keep the tires properly inflated.
3. And all of us also know that if the battery is dead, then the car won’t start.
4. Well, marriages are a lot like cars, they have to be maintained.
a. And if we allow the marriage battery to die, then it must be jump-started.
5. So what should we do if our marriage needs a tune up or if our marriage needs a jump-start?
6. Let’s answer that question by looking at the problem, the prescription, and the plan.
I. The Problem
A. You may think it odd that I’ve chosen a text from Revelation 2 for this sermon, since the text is not about marriage.
1. In the beginning of Revelation chapter two, the church at Ephesus is addressed.
2. We know, that Paul ministered at Ephesus on his 2nd missionary journey and that he wrote them a letter that is a beloved part of the New Testament.
3. In Revelation 2, the Ephesian church is being addressed many years into the life of that church.
4. We discover that there are some good things that have occurred in this church.
a. The angel talking to them through the apostle John says, “I know your hard work, I know your perseverance, I know you do not tolerate wicked men and I know you have endured great hardships.”
b. These are all marvelous qualities and characteristics of this church
5. And when we look at our marriages, my guess is that we can also find some good things.
a. If you’ve been married four years or forty years, I’m sure there have been some good times and good things over the years.
6. But for the Ephesian church it wasn’t all good.
a. There were some criticisms. There were some problems.
b. The angel pointed out, “I hold this against you. You have forsaken your first love.” (v. 4)
B. When I think about marriage, and I think about the problems that we face in our marriages, many of the problems can be traced to that problem itself.
1. We have forsaken our first love. We have forsaken our wife or our husband.
2. The love that we had for them that caused us to make the marital covenant with them and the actions that were associated with that love have been forsaken; they’ve been forgotten; they’ve been put aside.
3. For that reason, all kinds of other problems have begun to arise.
C. Let’s ask this question: “How does a church get to that point—how do they get to the point that they have forsaken their first love?”
1. And we can ask the same question about marriages: How does a husband, or how does a wife get to that point where they have forsaken their first love? How could that happen?
2. In reality, there are lots of things that happen along the way that can cause that to happen.
a. Perhaps it is success that has caused us to forsake our first love, whether that love is for Christ and the church, or whether it be the love for our wife or husband.
b. Another thing that can cause us to forsake our first love is the problems that we face as we walk through life: illness, accidents, job losses. All of these things can become distractions.
c. Another thing that can cause us to forsake our first love is the many enticements and temptations along the way. Have you ever faced enticements?
1. That handsome guy at the office, that nice looking young lady down at the store, the things we see on television or on the internet, or the things we hear on the radio bring about dissatisfaction—and we are enticed and are drawn away.
3. So the problem being faced there in the Ephesian church was the problem of forsaking their first love.
4. And perhaps that is the problem you are facing in your marriage today.
5. Thankfully, there is a God-given prescription for that problem.
II. The Prescription
A. Look with me at the prescription that the angel gave to the church in Ephesus (v. 5), “Remember the height from which you have fallen. Repent, and do the things you did at first.” (Rev. 2:5).
1. Remember! Repent! Repeat!
2. That simple prescription works for Christians with regard to Christ and the church, and also works for Christians with regard to their marriage.
B. The first part of the prescription is: Remember the height from which you’ve fallen.
1. The angel tells the church to remember their early days; remember the commitments they had to Christ; remember how high they were, and then see how low they have fallen.
2. I would encourage us to remember the same things about our marriages.
3. We need to remember where we started from; remember the height that we had arrived at: the height in terms of emotion, the height in terms of closeness, in terms of communication.
4. Can you remember those things in your marriage? Can you remember when things were good, or were at their best?
5. Can you can remember better days, and good conversations, and pleasant experiences, even if right now you’re not experiencing them?
6. That’s how we must begin to maintain or jump-start our marriages. We must remember back to those earlier and better days.
C. The second part of the prescription is: Repent.
1. That single word has so much meaning to it—to repent means to change, to turn around, to make a new commitment, to go back to where we had been, to go back to where we ought to be.
2. Sometimes we need to do that spiritually with God, and sometimes we need to do that in our marriages.
3. Once a 40 year-old man who was suffering from a midlife crisis came to his preacher to discuss his problems.
a. He explained how his marriage of 20 years was no longer satisfying or fulfilling.
b. Finally he reached the “bottom line.” The man said, “I just don’t love my wife anymore. So what should I do?”
c. After a brief moment of reflection, the preacher said decisively, “As I see it, you have only one option.”
d. The man perked up with anticipation. Was the preacher going to suggest a divorce? Would he be free to pursue the thrilling lifestyle of the younger generation that he had come to admire? Would this be his chance to regain his fleeting youth?
e. What was the preacher’s advice? The preacher said, “Seems to me that the only thing left for you to do is REPENT and start loving her again.”
4. So often we hear of married couples who complain that they have “fallen out of love.”
5. The real issue isn’t whether we feel we have fallen out of love or not. The real issue is whether we are going to keep our covenant and obey God.
6. The Bible still says the same thing what it has always said. Husbands are to “love your wives: (Eph. 5:25), and wives are to “love their husbands” (Titus 2:4).
a. Please note that these are not just suggestions—they are commands.
7. So when we find that we have stopped loving our husband or our wife what should we do? We should repent, and make a commitment to begin loving them again.
8. Let’s review the first two steps of the prescription for fixing the problem of forsaking our first love: First, Remember the beginning. Second, Repent about where you are.
D. Finally, the third part of the prescription is: Repeat the things you used to do.
1. We all can remember those times when we were courting each other—those crazy times when we would stay up all night and talk to each other on the phone.
2. We would drive a hundred miles to see each other for five minutes.
3. We would spend all the money we had on a special gift.
4. In those early days, we were quick to forgive and work out any differences, because all we wanted was for the relationship to be okay.
5. The Ephesian church needed to begin doing the good things they used to do.
6. And perhaps what you and I need to begin doing in our marriages is doing the good things we used to do that helped our relationship.
7. So that’s the prescription: REMEMBER, REPENT, and REPEAT.
8. Now let me give you a little bit of a plan of action.
III. The Plan
A. The three “R’s” of education: reading, writing and ‘rithmetic. Let me give you the three “T’s” for marriage.
1. The first “T” is TIME.
a. We’ve got to give it time. We’ve got to spend time in the relationship, and spend time working on the relationship.
2. The second “T” is TOUCH.
a. Physical touch is so important—not touch necessarily associated with intimacy, but just holding hands, putting an arm on the shoulder, a hug in the morning, a hug in the evening, or just a touch as you walk past.
b. That kind of touch is an expression of your love.
3. The third “T” is TALK.
a. We talked about communication a few weeks back – through talk we can share yourselves, our struggles, our hopes, our dreams - the kinds of things we used share for hours over the telephone, or at the park, or at the hamburger joint.
b. Perhaps communication has broken down to the point where you don’t even know where to begin or how to talk without fighting.
c. I would encourage you to listen again to the sermon I gave on communication and pay close attention to how to listen.
B. Some counselors encourage their clients to use a technique called “Caring Days.”
1. I think that this would be a good plan for us to jump-start our marriages or give them a tune up.
2. In the “Caring Days” plan, you draw up a list of everything you know that your mate would like you to do for them on a daily basis.
3. Then you make a commitment that one day a week or one day a month you’re going to make an effort to do as many things on that list as you can.
4. It may be to pick up my clothes in the morning and put them in the hamper, or clean up after myself after I have breakfast, or give a compliment, or give a nice card, or a surprise gift - whatever that list of things is.
5. Put it on the calendar.
6. Don’t announce that today is a “Caring Day,” just start caring, putting your love in action.
7. Hopefully, after you get through that one “Caring Day,” you will be able to say to yourself, “I could do that again, maybe next month or next week, or even tomorrow.”
8. The “Caring Day” plan helps us to jump-start our marriage.
9. It helps us to begin to do the things we used to do, the things that used to come naturally when our relationship was good and was running on all cylinders, so to speak.
C. What I’m suggesting is that we start doing what God would want us to do every day.
1. Perhaps you’ve heard the story of the woman who went to a lawyer looking for a divorce.
a. The woman described her relationship with her husband and the problems with her marriage, and for some reason the lawyer decided to try something.
b. He said, “I tell you what, you really ought to get a divorce. It sounds like your husband has really hurt you and I’m sure you would really like to hurt him back, wouldn’t you?”
c. “Oh, yeah,” she said, “I really want to get him.”
d. “Well, here’s what you do. For the next three months I want you lavish love on that guy like you’ve never lavished love on him before. I want you to win back his heart. And then once you’ve won his heart back, then we’re going to hit him with a divorce, and you’re going to break his heart to pieces.”
e. The woman said, “Oh, man, that sounds like a great idea.”
f. So she went home and she began to do what the lawyer suggested, but guess what? After three months, she didn’t want a divorce.
g. Because she began acting in love, her husband began to return that love, and before long they didn’t need a divorce.
2. That’s what we are talking about here. We’re talking about jump-starting the relationship.
3. It starts with one person beginning to do the things that God would want them to do.
D. I did an internet search asking for advice on how to divorce-proof and affair proof one’s marriage.
1. Let me quickly share a distillation of the advice…most of it is from secular sources, like Dr. Phil, and the Today Show, but these are good suggestions that I believe God would endorse.
E. 10 Ways to divorce proof and affair proof one’s marriage.
1. Be faithful – if you want to have a good partner, then be a good partner.
2. Surround yourself with couples with good marriages.
3. Take care of your finances – Money problems are the #1 cause of marital discord.
4. Tell your spouse everything…be best friends…no secrets.
5. Spend time together…relax and play together...have fun, laugh!
6. Date on a regular basis…be creative.
7. Get rid of bitterness – be patient with your spouse and don’t compare your reality with an unattainable fantasy.
8. Kiss a lot and make the marriage bed a priority.
9. Avoid emotional adultery – which includes friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far, and also includes lusting after other people you know or don’t know.
10. Take care of yourself – get enough sleep, eat healthily and exercise – all of these will aid your physical, mental and emotional health.
Conclusion:
A. What I’m talking about today, isn’t really miraculous though it may seem so. It’s simple and basic.
1. It’s two people who love each other who’ve let other things get in the way, who simply need to begin to show their love for each other all over again.
2. Marriages can be turned around. Marriages can be jump-started.
3. Marriages can be revived and resurrected and resuscitated.
4. And good marriages can be maintained by the same loving upkeep.
5. The courtship and honeymoon don’t ever have to end.
6. Allow me to leave us with two stories to consider:
B. Once there was a husband who went to his lawyer for advice about divorce.
1. He told how his marriage had been good in the beginning, but over time he and his wife began to notice things about each other that they didn’t like. As time past, they grew more and more intolerant of each other’s faults.
2. After the lawyer listened to the dissatisfied husband, he asked the man if he could tell him a story. The husband gave the lawyer permission.
3. The lawyer proceeded to tell a story about a man who took great pride in his lush, green lawn until it gradually became studded with an irksome crop of dandelions.
4. After unsuccessfully trying every known remedy to get rid of the dandelions, the man wrote to the Department of Agriculture in Washington, D.C.
5. In his letter, he listed all the things he had tried, and then he ended with this question, “What should I do now?”
6. After a while, the man received a reply to the dandelion problem which simply said, “We suggest that you learn to love them!”
7. Perhaps that’s God’s command for us with regard to our mates - Just learn to love them.
8. God wants us to love and accept the strengths and weaknesses of our mates.
9. Some of the things that bother us about our mates or our marriages may not go away, but just like the dandelions, we can learn to love them anyway.
C. The second story goes like this: Many years ago, a weary traveler hiked for miles across the desert with the hot sun beating down on his back. His water supply was gone, and he knew that if he didn’t find water soon to quench his thirst, he would surely die.
1. In the distance, he spotted an abandoned house which brought hope that maybe water could be found there.
2. He made his way to the house and discovered and old well. He frantically pumped the handle of the well to draw water, but all that came from the pump was dust.
3. That’s when he noticed a tin can tied to the pump, with a note inside.
4. The note said: “Dear Stranger: this pump is all right as of June 1932. I put a new sucker washer in it, and it should last for years. But the washer dries out and the pump needs to be primed. Under the white rock, I buried a jar of water, out of the sun. There’s enough water in it to prime the pump, but not if you drink some first. Pour about ΒΌ of the water into the pump and let her soak for a minute to wet the washer. Then pour in the rest and pump hard. You’ll get water. Have faith. This well has never run dry. When you get watered up, fill the bottle and put it back as you found it for the next stranger who comes this way.” Desert Pete
5. At this point, the experience of your marriage may have been like going through a desert. You may be so thirsty that you are about to die.
6. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you, but I hope and pray that you won’t give up.
7. To be honest with you, making things better is not going to be easy, but the first step is to prime the pump in faith.
8. Making the marriage better has to start with someone making the first change by stepping out in faith.
9. I trust that God is able to sustain you, and supply you with the ability to do your part to improve your marriage.
10. Although it will take both of you to make it successful, it only takes one to get the pump started – will you courageously and obediently be the one to prime the pump?
