Divine Guidelines for Marriage – Part II
Chuck Brooks, Pastor-Teacher, GraceWay Church February 21, 2016
Last time we answered the question for the single person who wants to get married, “How can I, as a single person waiting for the right mate, control myself?”:
(1) Channel your energy through physical work and spiritual service.
(2) Don’t seek to be married, seek to love and let marriage come as a response.
(3) Don’t love the world’s system. Its values are like shifting sand.
(4) Program your mind with the Word of God.
(5) Recognize that while you are single, God has chosen for you to abstain from sexual relations.
(6) Avoid potentially dangerous situations. Flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness.
(7) Thank and praise God for the state you’re in and be content (Philippians 4:11-13).
That was for singles who want to get into a marriage. But what if you are a married person who wants to get out of the marriage? Is divorce an option? Well, the Bible teaches us in Malachi chapter two that “God hates divorce”. A lot of people like to quote that verse but few are familiar with its context. Here is God’s position on divorce in its context.
In chapter two of Malachi the prophet was communicating God’s anger because His people were constantly breaking His laws and covenants.
Mal 2:11 The people of Judah have broken their promise to God and done a horrible thing in Jerusalem and all over the country. They have defiled the Temple which the LORD loves. Men have married women who worship foreign gods.
Mal 2:12 May the LORD remove from the community of Israel those who did this, and never again let them participate in the offerings our nation brings to the LORD Almighty.
God continues…
Mal 2:13 This is another thing you do. You drown the LORD's altar with tears, weeping and wailing because He no longer accepts the offerings you bring Him.
Mal 2:14 You ask why He no longer accepts them. It is because He knows you have broken your promise to the wife you married when you were young. She was your partner, and you have broken your promise to her, although you promised before God that you would be faithful to her.
The men of Judah were weeping and wailing because God was no longer accepting their offerings. He was no longer blessing them because they had broken their marital vows to their wives and more importantly, they were unfaithful to God.
In verse 15, the prophet Malachi reminds them of what God purposed when He brought the men and women together in marriage as He did the first couple, Adam and Eve:
Mal 2:15 Didn't God make you one body and spirit with her? What was His purpose in this? It was that you should have children who are truly God's people. So make sure that none of you breaks his promise to his wife.
This goes all the way back to Genesis 2:24 where it says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.”
Malachi goes on to say, “It was that you should have children who are truly God's people. So make sure that none of you breaks his promise to his wife.” What we are being told here is that unfaithfulness in marriage has a devastating impact on the family and the rearing of children. Divorce decimated families in Malachi’s day and it still destroys families today.
Psychology Today says, “having parents break their marriage commitment, adjusting to going back and forth between two different households, and the daily absence of one parent while living with the other, all create a challenging new family circumstance in which to live. In the personal history of the boy or girl, parental divorce is a watershed event. Life that follows is significantly changed from how life was before.” (end quote)
Even if the marriage is saved, it is never the same especially when unfaithfulness and adultery occurs. There is a loss of love; there is a loss of trust; there is a loss of security. And ultimately, all this “loss” affects the children, who have the unique ability to sense something has gone wrong…to feel that something is missing.
Psychology Today goes on to say, “divorce tends to intensify the child's dependence and it tends to accelerate the adolescent's independence; it often elicits a more regressive response in the child and a more aggressive response in the adolescent.”1
As we continue in Malachi 2:16 we find these infamous and cutting and convicting words: "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel. "I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing to his wife. Make sure that you do not break your promise to be faithful to your wife."
1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201112/the-impact-divorce-young-children-and-adolescents
In the New Testament we find another reason why God hates divorce. In Ephesians chapter five we find these words, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32).
Marriage is a picture of the Bridegroom Jesus Christ and His Bride, the Church. In part one of this series on marriage, we observed that the “mystery” Paul mentions in verse 32 is a truth that was hidden in the Old Testament…the truth that God would bring both the Jew and all non-Jews together in one body. They would be called the “Bride of Christ”. The "mystery" was that God was going to form an entirely "NEW THING", composed of both Jew and Gentile and would call it the Church.
In Ephesians chapter five we are told that marriage is supposed to be a reflection of this revelation…The husband loving his wife like Christ loves His bride the church, and the wife honoring and reverencing her husband like the church honors and reverences Christ!
Yet with all that is at stake when it comes to marriage, many, even Christians, still want to get out of their marriage.
I’m not a marriage counselor, per se, I’m just a pastor. But when I have counseled couples having problems I’ve learned that some of the best counsel to give to a couple having difficulties in their marriage is that “they are not alone”. Another thing that couples needs to be told is that marriage is hard work. This is what the Bible is doing in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35.
Marriage is Hard Work
Last time we looked at how the Apostle Paul tries to encourage brothers and sisters who were single and had the gift of singleness to stay single. Here in this passage he continues to encourage singles to stay that way and he does so by sharing with them the hardship of marriage:
“So I don't want you to have any concerns. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, that is, about how he can please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about earthly things, that is, about how he can please his wife. His attention is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the Lord's things so that she may be holy in body and in spirit. But the married woman is concerned about earthly things, that is, about how she can please her husband. I'm saying this for your benefit, not to restrict you. I'm showing you how to live a noble life of devotion to the Lord without being distracted by other things.”
The Bible is telling us that those who are married need to be preoccupied with each other. He says in verses 32-33, "He that is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord... But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife." The beginning of verse 34. “His interests are divided” should actually be at the end of verse 33: “But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.”
Both husbands and wives are preoccupied with the earthly needs of each other—as they should be. But one who is unmarried has the opportunity to give his or her fullest devotion and undivided attention to the Lord.
Paul begins verse 32 by saying, "I would have you without care." He was trying to free the Corinthians of the anxiety that marriage would cause. Paul is essentially saying, "I'd like you to have a carefree attitude about serving the Lord because marriage causes anxiety when it comes to serving the Lord!”
Many years ago Deb and I had to make a run to Home Deport to return an item. On the way home my wife says she needs to stop past a store and pick up a jar of hair conditioner for the girls. But I really needed to get home to finish working on my Sunday morning sermon in addition to a message I was going to be preaching at another church that evening.
But before I even had a chance to ask her which corner drug store she wanted to go to, she told me she wanted to go to Walmart. I thought to myself, “To get a single jar of hair grease?” So off we go to Walmart and end up spending more time and money than we planned.
Not long after that our church had a Valentines Gala sponsored by our Women’s Ministry. Since LightHouse was hosting this event, I was looking forward to relaxing and leaving the work to my wife and her team. The event was planned so that married couples could reserve a room to spend the night at the hotel where the gala was being held, and so Deb and I were on our way to check into our room.
We barely got two blocks from our house before Debbie said she forget something. We drove back to get it. As we were leaving for the hotel the second time and were about two blocks from the hotel, she said “Man! I forgot something else!”
I thought she was kidding. After being convinced that she wasn’t, we returned home and retrieved what she left behind. On our third attempt to make it to the hotel we were successful and checked in. However, as we were unpacking, Debbie discovered that she left her “gold clutch purse.” Of course her outfit wouldn’t be complete without her gold clutch purse. Yes, I returned all the way home to get it.
Paul begins verse 32 by saying, "I would have you without care." You see, Paul wanted his single readers to think twice about marriage because with marriage comes stress and anxiety and nervous tension and pressure…all which can obstruct one’s ability to serve the Lord full focused.
There are certain cares that encumber your mind when you're married. Paul says, “He who is married cares about the things of the world; how he may please his wife." (v. 33). I can tell you after over three and a half decades of marriage, that pleasing one’s wife is a challenge.
What’s a husband to do when you get home from a hard day of work and the first thing that comes out of your wife’s mouth is “Do you notice anything different?” How do you answer that?
How does a Christian, Bible believing, truth-telling man respond when his wife asks a question like, “Do you think I’m fat?”
Then there are the other questions, ‘Where are you going? Where have you been?” My mother used to ask me those questions! Must I subject myself to this kind of interrogation as an adult in my own home? Yes!
Then there is the relationship you have with your in-laws that must be endured.
Paul writes, “he who is married cares about the things of the world; how he may please his wife.”
This past week I was running some errands in the morning and did not have the time to eat breakfast. On my way home I stopped by a carryout and picked up some western fries and a scrapple egg and cheese on wheat toast (my favorite breakfast sandwich).
When I got home I offered Rosie and Shannon the rest of my fries and then I heard Debbie downstairs freeloading Shannon’s fries, so I knew she was hungry. Then I heard the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit speak to me, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28)
So asked Shannon to ask her mother if she wanted half of my favorite breakfast sandwich. Marriage is hard work!
Remember, the Parable of the Great Supper in Luke 14:17-20? In parable Jesus said, "Come; for all things are now ready" (v. 17). But there was one man who replied, "I’ve married a wife, and because of her, I cannot come" (v. 20).
The married person, has a divided set of cares: On one hand he has the Lord, and on the other hand, his family. It’s not that those divided interests are bad; they're good and God designs them both. However, in marriage, it is difficult to give the Lord your undivided devotion when you are married; difficult, but not impossible.
Marriage is hard work in and of itself but there are many couples who make it tougher than it needs to be. Let me explain from Jesus’ teaching on the subject of divorce found in Matthew chapter five.
Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'Never commit adultery.'
The context of Jesus’ teaching is the Sermon on the Mount where on several occasions Jesus would challenge the teaching of the Pharisees who burdened the people by substituting their own laws for those of God. In Matthew 15:6-7 Jesus took on those religious leaders and said, “For the sake of your tradition, you make void the word of God. You hypocrites!”
And so in the Sermon on the Mount we constantly find Jesus saying, "You have heard that it was said … but I say to you." So here Matthew 5 Jesus was picking apart the prevailing views regarding the law, as well as expectations the people had about what the Messiah was to accomplish.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, 'Never commit adultery.” Jesus was repeating the seventh commandment in Exodus 20:14 but He was also addressing what the people had in their mind when they heard it. You see, the Pharisees and Sadducees were promoting their interpretation of it. They were committing adultery all the time and justifying it. They were also getting divorces for any reason.
Back in Jesus’ day there were two parties of the religious leaders. There was the Shammaite “Shammy-ite” Pharisee, who held that divorce and remarriage was lawful in the case of adultery, or when one fails to provide wife with food, clothing and marital intercourse. But the liberals of Jesus’ day, the Hillelite “Hill-lell-lite” Pharisees were teaching that one could be granted a divorce for any reason.
There was a passage in Deuteronomy that started out with these words, “When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house…” (24:1-4)
According to the Hillelites, the liberal party of the Pharisees, these verses meant that the husband could divorce his wife at his pleasure… He may divorce her even “if she spoiled a dish for him” or “if he found another woman more attractive than his current wife” or “if he she no longer found favor in his eyes.”
Dare I say that many in our day, even those in the church, are nothing more than modern-day Pharisees. They divorce for petty things like “He don’t treat me right…” or “She don’t respect me…” They divorce because they’ve got their eyes or mind on someone more attractive. They divorce because he or she no longer sees fireworks when they kiss or because they no longer are intimate at all.
I remember hearing a song when I was about 10 or 11 years old. The song was first sung in 1964 by the Righteous Brothers and had these words:
You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips
You're trying hard not to show it, (baby)
But baby, baby I know it
You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woah
Now there's no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you
And now you're starting to criticize the things I do
It makes me just feel like crying (baby)
'Cause baby, something beautiful's dying
You lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You've lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone...gone...gone...woah
Baby baby, I get down on my knees for you
If you would only love me like you used to do, yeah
We had a love, a love, a love you don't find everyday
So don't, don't, don't, don't let it slip away2
And that’s why many are getting divorced today…because they’ve lost that loving feelin’. And if you got married only because you had a loving feelin’…your marriage was built on shaky ground from the beginning and destined toward failure.
2 "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling"
Married couples need more than a loving feelin’ in order to have any joy and longevity and victory in their marriage. Perhaps we will talk about this at a later time. Also know that the Bible teaches that although God hates divorce, there are times when He allows for it (adultery, sexual immorality and abandonment). We will discuss this in another message as well.
So back in Matthew chapter five, when Jesus came on the scene, He said, “You have heard that it was said, 'Never commit adultery…” Then He adds, “But I say unto you, that whoever looks with lust at a woman has already committed adultery in his heart.”
People I’ve counseled not to divorce, get divorced but not to save them from something, but to pave a path toward something else.
People get divorced because of ‘pain and suffering’ but they also divorce because of their hopes for something better than what they currently have in a relationship.
I believe this is what Jesus was talking about in His teaching on divorce in Matthew 5.
The Old Testament commandment was “Don’t commit adultery” but Jesus goes beyond the command to expose the heart-attitude of lust which leads to adultery.
Divorce follows lust
Divorce follows lust. Lust is not just a sexual desire for someone, but a desire for a better situation; a better husband or wife; a better life…void of abuse, void of loneliness, void of insecurity; void of the drama caused by an unloving or irresponsible spouse.
Lust is an inner heart attitude which says, “I would do it if the opportunity was afforded to me.” The opportunity to have someone else; the opportunity to be loved by someone else; the opportunity to sleep with someone else; the opportunity to leave the marriage.
Divorce follows lust. By the time someone divorces, they have already thought it through it and imagined themselves being free of that person and perhaps hooking up with another.
Knowing this, Jesus gives us a warning in verse 29-30:
Mat 5:29 "So if your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose a part of your body than to have all of it thrown into hell.
Mat 5:30 And if your right hand leads you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose a part of your body than to have all of it go into hell.
Here Jesus is using hyperbole to make a point. The point He is making is that the sin of adultery is so hideous and so perverted and so offends God that we must abruptly and forcefully separate ourselves from the people with whom we have unlawful and inordinate affections, in order to not to face His wrath and judgment.
Another things Jesus is saying is that to continue in an adulterous relationship is to prove that you are not a believer. This is why He says at the end of verses 29 and 30, “It is better for you to lose a part of your body than to have all of it go into hell.” To continue in sin is to prove that you are not a follower of Jesus because all those who do not repent of their sin and follow Jesus are destined to spend eternity in hell.
1 John 1:6 says, “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.” 1 John 2:4 says, “Whoever says "I know him" but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him…”
So Jesus is telling us that if you are tempted to enter into an adulterous relationship, sever yourself from the source of the temptation. There is nobody so near and dear to you that you would run the risk of finding yourself in hell for eternity.
Divorce is not the answer. Separation and divorce does not improve your chances to find the love of your life; in fact, it does the opposite. An article on Huffingtonpost.com had this to say:
Statistically speaking, the more times you've been married in the past, the more likely you'll get divorced again if you remarry.
The divorce rate for first marriages -- meaning a marriage in which neither person has been married before -- is reportedly between 40 and 50%. But for second marriages, in which at least one of the spouses has been married once before, the rate jumps to between 60 and 67%. And for third marriages (at least one of the spouses has been married twice before), it's a whopping 70-73%.3
These statistics are reflected in a news item on the settlements a wealthy yachtsman made for his former wives. This speaks to the chances for happiness in multiple marriages. Fuller E. Callaway, Jr. left $100,000 to his first wife, $10,000 to his second, and $1 to his third.4
Marriage is hard work, but there is hope and encouragement is on the way if you keep your mind and heart fixed on the Lord and His Word.
3 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/galtime/second-and-third-marriage_1_b_2551496.html
4 L.M. Boyd, Spokesman-Review, July 28, 1992.
There are singles who want to get married but there are married folk who want out. If you are one of those married folk, here are seven verses you should meditate on and pray through.
1. Never give up. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up.”
2. Honor your spouse. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage is to be honored by all, so husbands and wives should be faithful to each other. God will judge those who commit sexual sins, especially those who commit adultery.”
3. Be willing to forgive. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.”
4. Remember your vows. Ephesians 5:22, 25 says, “Every husband must love his wife as Christ loved the church, and every wife must respect her husband as unto the Lord.”
5. Above everything, love. 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins.”
6. Protect your marriage. In Matthew 19:6 Jesus says, “So they are no longer two, but one. No human being must separate, then, what God has joined together.”
7. Don’t lose hope. Luke 1:37 says, “Nothing is impossible for God!”
Let me add one more. This might be considered the “glue” that empowers you to apply the seven verses I just shared.
Get saved. When you become a follower of Jesus Christ, the Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit comes to make His home in you. Your body, the Bible says, becomes the temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in you (1 Corinthians 3:16).
Not only does the Holy Spirit indwell the Christian, the Holy Spirit empowers the Christian (Acts 1:8). But not only does the Holy Spirit indwell you and empower you, the Bible tells us that He controls you (Ephesians 5:18).
When you are not indwelled, empowered and controlled by the Holy Spirit, you are doomed to failure in your marriage. Why? Listen to Galatians 5:
Gal 5:18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
In other words, when you are led by the Spirit you do not need a list of do’s and don’ts to keep you faithful in your marriage. You do not have “duty” hanging over you as a law that forces you to perform. You delight to love and serve your spouse; you serve cheerfully; not under compulsion or pressure.
11
When you don’t have the indwelling, empowering and control of the Spirit of God in your life, you will be fleshly, selfish and self-centered. This is what the next section of Galatians chapter five is teaching:
Gal 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
Gal 5:20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
Gal 5:21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Now here’s the difference between the person who is indwelled, empowered and controlled by the Spirit of God and the person who lives by means of the flesh. The person controlled by the Spirit bears the “fruit of the Spirit” in his or her life and marriage:
Gal 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
Gal 5:23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Gal 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Marriages experience trouble when the husband or the wife have not crucified with flesh with its passions and desires. The flesh makes it all about you. He or she is not meeting my needs. I’m hurt; I’m lonely; I’m insecure; I’m disrespected; He or she sinned against me.
But when you are walking in the Spirit, you are not fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. In fact, your gratefulness for the Lord’s intervention in your life to save you and forgive you makes you the kind of the person who forgives. The Lord “demonstrated His own love for you in that while you were a sinner, Christ died for you.” Like the Lord, you are willing to love the unlovable.
Have you been saved? Has the Holy Spirit come to make His home in your life? Is He indwelling you, empowering you and controlling you? Is the fruit of the Spirit being produced in your life?
You can be saved today. If you are already a follower of Jesus but are living for self, you need to repent and recommit yourself to follow Jesus.
