Celebrating Marriage #101 -- Pt 2
Introduction: The word courtship sounds pretty archaic by today's standards in a world filled with language like "one night stand" or "hooking up" and the very notion that "waiting until marriage" is the best option is laughed at in our culture. I'm going to tell you a "courtship" story that many of you are probably going to think is funny and very old-fashioned. At the first church I ever pastored there was an older couple name Gilmore and Ivy Adkisson. They related this story to me and I have never forgotten it. In the day when they were "courting" a date consisted of them walking behind a wagon with Ivy's parents in the rig and a lantern shining to light the way. Gilmore and Ivy would be allowed to talk to each other and at some point they would be allowed to hold hands. Gilmore never told how long it was before he got his first kiss from Ivy!
When you compare this courting ritual by today's standards you wonder if we are even in the same country. This morning I'm going to try to give some guidance that I trust will serve as a model for our relationships prior to marriage.
"Our Courtship Before Marriage"
Ephesians 5:1-32
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: 30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. 32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
Introduction:
I. Our Beliefs about Courtship
Remember one of the first things that I said in last week's message was that we all have a belief system, all of us, and your belief system comes into play in courtship rituals. What you believe determines how you behave and what you do in a given situation. So what you believe is important. Do you recall the principles that we stated at the end of the message last week? #1 one man and one woman for life; #2 purity before, during, and after courtship; #3 biblical separation, and a couple of other important beliefs. So with that being said lets dive off into the subject of courtship.
First, just a general observation about courtship; most people in our culture do not take this subject as seriously as they should despite the fact that every dating opportunity could potentially lead to marriage. Since the potential is always a possibility then we need to make certain that our approach to this subject is thoughtful and carefully considered.
a. The principle issue
Are you determined to operate on the basis of principle or preference; on the enlightenment we find in God's Word or on your emotions? Daniel was a young man when he "purposed in his heart," not to defile himself with the diet provided to him by a pagan King. Have you "nailed" some things down that you will or won't do while you are dating? If you wait till you are in the dating situation to decide you will more than likely make the wrong decision. Sampson is an example of someone who violates almost every rule and he pays a high price for doing so.
b. The purity issue
Nothing is more important to God that the issue of holiness and purity, nothing! If you are serious about pleasing God and glorifying Him in you decision making, then this tops the list of things you should consider. We are living in a culture that laughs and scoffs at the notion of purity. I want to share a quote from an article written by Reggie Osborne. He was reacting to what the schools in San Francisco are teaching students about "sexual consent." Students were asked to come up with a phrase that could be used when they were in a sexual encounter. They phrase they came up with was "you good?" For instance, at each step of each sexual encounter the boy would ask the question, "you good?" If the young woman replied yes, then he could advance to the next step and ask the question again. Am I the only one who sees how ridiculous this is? Here is what Mr. Osborne writes:
"We have ruined sex. We have taken what was sacred and made it casual; pretending that is won't hurt us.
We ought to mourn what we've done, but instead, we glory in our own shame. We boast about the sexual revolution as if it were an accomplishment. We mock those who believe that it belongs only to marriage, where consent has been given and relationships rest in promised exclusivity. We laugh at the happily married couples who have never known another partner as if they somehow "missed out" on all the fun.
What fun? Step out of your little world and look at what this trivialization of sex is doing to our people!
Let me pose to you the same question that those kids came up with in San Francisco...a question, by the way, that no one's ever asked in a pornographic movie scene: "You good?"
Sexual violence dominating college campuses: "You good?"
19 year-olds with three abortions: "You good?"
Pornographic websites becoming the main source of a child's first sexual experience: "You good?"
Sex addiction being a real and tragic thing: "You good?"
No...I'm not good. Excuse me while I go throw up.
This article originally appeared on ReggieOsborne.com.
1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.
c. The providential issue
First, let's assume that marriage is a good thing and that God wants most but not all of us to get married. The Bible says: Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: Ultimately, if you want to find the person God has for you then you must trust His heart! Trust that He wants what is best for you and that He is working all things together for your good and His glory. Several verses come to mind that speak to this issue of providential planning and provision.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ESV
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
*A note to all you singles out there; have you noticed that when you get to a certain age folks want to help you get married; and that, as you get older you start asking yourself is it worth the wait to find the mate that God has for you? Your family, especially your parents will start asking questions like, "when are you going to give us some grandkids, you're not getting any younger?" One by one your friends will get married and the pressure increases. Can I give you some advice that was shared with me by a dear widowed saint of God years ago? There are many things worse than living alone! Marrying the wrong person is worse! Compromising your convictions is worse! Marrying outside the will of God is certainly worse! If you are single right now I would challenge you to be a "sacred single." Make Jesus the greatest treasure of your life and let God take care of the rest! Time must be seen as an asset and not a liability.
II. Our Behaviors in Courtship
a. The purpose of time
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 reminds us that "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing...a time to love, and a time to hate" There is a special beauty when Gods timing is followed.
Courtship is a time to studiously evaluate the character of the one you are considering and to analyze if your personalities and life goals are compatible. The question you are after is whether or not it is God's will for you to move forward in a life-long covenant relationship with them. Christian-courtship.com
I want to give you some advice about the timing in courtship. How can you know if this is God's timing?
1. Parental consent - It may seem old fashioned to ask the guy who is showing interest in you to talk to your folks first, but it's worth the hassle and awkwardness. Why? Because the Bible promises that it will be. "Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. Ephesians 6:2-3
2. Compatibility of faith and life - The saying "opposites attract" might happen sometimes, but is that really a good thing? There are many who are mated but not matched! The Bible says not to be unequally yoked.
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
3. Is it genuine love - The old saying, "Good things come to those who wait" still rings true. If something is worth having, it's worth waiting for. Jacob served Laban a total of 14 years so that he might take Rachel to be his wife.
As Bill Gothard says, "One of the most powerful evidences of genuine love is its ability to overcome the limitations of time."
4. Mature Character - "Character is not made in a crisis, it is only then displayed." In marriage, you'll have plenty of crisis' that will reveal your character and your spouse's character. The responsibility of work, maintaining a home, raising a family, being involved at church, relating to drama in extended family, making financial deadlines, etc will put pressure on you and your spouse. These pressures will either be something that will bond you together or tear you apart depending on your responses to them.
As Emmerson Eggerich demonstrates in his Love and Respect Marriage seminar, when a skunk is provoked, it will spray a very obnoxious stench. When a rose is stepped on, its fragrance fills the air. The pressure only revealed what was inside.
5. Financial Responsibility - If you want to know who a person really is, check out their financial history. Jesus says, "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Matthew 6:21
The way you spend your money reveals what your heart is set on. Ask any married couple - rich, middle class or poor, and they'll tell you that money management plays an important role in their marriage. Did you know money is mentioned in the Bible over 800 times?
God goes so far as to call a man who does not provide adequate support for his family "worse than an infidel"
"But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."1 Timothy 5:8
b. The principle of transparency
In a Christian courtship, you should strive to have every step toward marriage be characterized by modesty, simplicity, sincerity and an earnest purpose to please and honor God. When you get married and say your vows, you should be able to confidently enter that marriage covenant intelligently, in the fear of God, and with a full consideration of its responsibilities. Christian-courtship.com
c. The power of truth
We must make sure that our behavior is consistent with God's Word. His Word is:
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
The Bible tells us the being single can be good. The Bible tells us how to be a man of God. The Bible tells us how you can be a "Proverbs 31" woman. The answers for every question can be found in the Word of God.
d. The paradigm you can trust
Courtship begins with friendship and trust as a foundation. Only serious candidates for marriage are considered. The goal is commitment. Driven by rational thinking, study and prayer. Long term mentality. It's best to prevent numerous emotional attachments to avoid unnecessary heartbreak and regret. Esteems purity -- there is a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex. Humbly embraces the counsel of parents and trusted mentors to help navigate the choice to marry or not. Waits until maturity and life preparedness is reached before pursuing a serious relationship with the opposite sex. Aims to be content while single and enjoy that time of life through deep fellowship with the Lord and personal growth. Intentionally looks for real life scenarios to hang out so that you can see who a person really is. Sees flirting as immoral because it trifles with hearts and develops habits that will be carried into married life. Focus is on pleasing the Lord -- You don't base your obedience to God's word on feelings. Sees God as the only one who can satisfy the deepest longings of their souls. Each couple gives out of their fullness.
III. Our Blessings in Courtship
a. Our relationships
The proper observance of biblical courtship principles will result in a relationship that has both depth and breadth. It will be "deep and wide." Courtship should begin with a friendship that deepens with time and that will produce a lifelong relationship. Your spouse will literally become your best friend forever!
Proverbs 17:17 A friend loveth at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.
b. Our respect
Lies and dishonesty are some of the major causes of divorce. The foundation of Christian marriage should be built with precious stones of truth, honesty and openness God hates lies and dishonesty and so He will not bless any relationship that is built on them. Never date someone who wants you to lie to your family or friends about where you are and what you are doing. That is a red flag that cannot be ignored!
It should also be added that one important thing you should do is to talk about your past relationships. Any partner that cannot accept you with a past is probably not for you. Discuss it and be sincere about it.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Christiansdevotions.co.uk
c. Our regrets
I'm not going to ask for a show of hands but how many of us have some regrets about our behavior during dating and courtship? I want to give you some final advice that will help you live without regret:
#1 Only consider courtship at a time in your life when you are ready to consider marriage. Until that time--foster the virtue of friendship and hold off the romance until you are really ready for it.
#2 Take time through prayer to discern God's will. You need to foster prayer in your lives individually and as a couple. You cannot know God's will without prayer.
#3 Base your courtship in the family: As much as possible, spend time with each other's families. This is so important--for if you do end up married, you'll want to get along.
#4 Emotional Intimacy: Guard your hearts and do not dive emotionally into a courtship relationship head first. Give yourselves time to learn about each other. Do not open up all your intimate secrets, desires and longings to each other immediately--just because you are courting. Allow your relationship to grow naturally.
#5 Physical Intimacy: Decide what your limits will be and write them down. Remember that as you store up your treasures of physical intimacy before marriage--every sacrifice that you make to stay pure becomes a jewel for you to share with each other in marriage. The Bible declares that we are to "avoid fornication." 1 Corinthians 7:2
#6 Avoid the near occasion of sin. This is not to say that a couple who is courting will only stick to their goal of purity if they are NEVER alone together . . . as if to say the only reason they resisted temptation is because they never went near temptation. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. We should not deliberately put ourselves in temptation's way.
#7 Be active in your faith community: Courtship is a great time to grow in faith together--and to spend time together in your faith community. In this way your relationship is supported by like-minded people who will become for you that community that celebrates with you in times of joy, consoles you in times of grieving, and that lifts you up you in times of hardship. Courtshipnow.com
Conclusion: Ed Stetzer writes: I had an awkward situation recently. My doctor prescribed a sleep study (part of some health tests I am doing in preparation for my forthcoming new health regimen). The tech called me to arrange the details. She did not seem to have many details about the clinic, so I asked some questions. One of which was the setting--in this case, it was an office building with several faux bedrooms where they would wire me up and measure me sleeping. I asked about the staff, and she was "it." Then came that awkward moment. I knew she would not understand it, but I explained, "I can't come if it is just you and me in the building." It was awkward, and I am guessing few ever said such a thing. So I skipped out on my study (and will probably have to pay the no-show charge).
It might seem silly to you, but let me encourage you not to see it as such. Many of you who read this are young pastors. I know too many pastors who have lost great credibility because of an accusation (let alone an indiscretion). I am not irresistible. I have a great face for radio. I do not think that anyone will swoon over me. But I do not know the stability, morality, and disposition of people that I meet. When I told my wife, I thought she might slap me. She has been excited about my recent health plans. However, she was the opposite. She felt protected and affirmed. She knew I would not put our family in jeopardy. I remember Danny Akin once saying that he would not pick up a woman on the side of the road in the rain if her car broke down. He would never be alone with a woman not his wife. It seemed a bit selfish until he told the rest of the story. He would pull over and give her the keys and let her drive where she needed to be. Guarding yourself takes work, can be awkward, and is often inconvenient. But one problem averted makes it a good stewardship of your life, ministry, and family.
There is a right way and a wrong way to date and court. Do it God's way and you will not have regrets; ignore Him and His Word at your peril!
