“Healthy Relationships”
The Role and Responsibility of the Wife
Ephesians 5:22-24
REVIEW
I. Our Wealth and Worth In Christ 1-3
II. Our Worthy Walk in Christ 4-6
A. Live in Unity 4:1-16
B. Live in Newness of life 4:17-24
C. Live in Love 4:17-24
D. Live in Purity 5:3-14
E. Live in Wisdom 5:15-6:9
1. Seize every opportune moment 15-16
2. Seek to understand the will of the Lord 17
3. Be continually filled with the Holy Spirit 18-20
a. Speaking and singing truth to one another and praise to God
b. Giving thanks for all things
c. Submitting to one another in the fear of Christ
submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21
All would agree that this fruit characterizes those living under the Spirit’s influence. The motivation behind submission is also undisputed: “out of reverence for Christ.” The admonition to submission rests on God-designed roles in society. Because He designed them, we observe them out of a respect for Christ and a desire to please Him. Some see this as an admonition to mutual submission between husband and wife. I would agree that mutual submission is a Biblical concept. God calls us to serve one another. He calls us to consider other more important than ourselves. He instructs us to love one another. It is clear that we are to live in humility and look to the needs of others over our own.
I do not believe however that Paul intended mutual submission in this particular passage. Paul affirmed the fact that those submitting to the Holy Spirit and living under His influence will also submit to God’s established earthly authorities. He follows the general concept with the specifics.
Wives submitting to their husbands who are instructed to love them.
Children submitting to their parents who are instructed to nurture them.
Slaves submitting to their masters who are instructed to treat them kindly.
The instruction for wives is so connected to the general fruit of submitting that Paul does not even repeat the verb. It literally reads, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives to their own husbands (implied verb submitting) as to the Lord.”
The term for submit is made up of two Greek words.
“Arrange, place, order, rank”
“under”
The resulting concept is to place under, rank under, military command. It is in the middle voice which means “submit yourselves” Submission was used in the sense of a voluntary placing of one’s rights and needs below the rights and needs of another. The word indicates a particular response to authority.
The Bible calls for a voluntary ordering under His established authority.
The Bible declares there will be a universal imposed submission at Christ’s return.
I. The Role and responsibility of wives
A. Role: Willing Support
Last week we focused on the Biblically prescribed role of wives and then we will look at the required response. The role of “helper” or willing support is not a role which implies inferiority or weakness. It is a support role which implies capable strength, creative skills and committed love. This willing support came from “one corresponding to him”. Someone with whom he could relate on an equal level, a companion. The role of the wife is never demonstrated in Scripture as an inferior, weak, slave-girl kind of role. The role of the wife is exalted as an honorable, powerful, role of significant influence. That influence can go either direction positive or negative. As a result of sin against God, both man and woman deviated from their God given functions. What was intended to bring pleasure and fulfillment and fruitfulness would now yield pain and frustration. What came naturally by design would take intentional effort to fulfill. Desirable selflessness would give way to destructive selfishness.
The role of Women is willing support; support from a committed capable companion.
Just as the role of loving leader comes with some suggested responses to those he leads, the role of willing support comes with suggested response to those she supports.
B. Response
1. Submit to husbands
There are three key passages that deal with the required response of wives toward husbands.
Our current passage reads.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24
Colossians is very similar in pattern to this passage yet very brief.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18
Peter expended a bit more ink in his treatment of the subject.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter 3:1-6
Considering these three passages together gives us an overview of the principle.
a. Scope of Submission
How far does submission extend for the wife? What is the scope of her submission?
“to her OWN husband” (Not someone else’s)
“in everything” (can’t pick and choose)
“even if he is disobedient to the word” (doesn’t depend on his spiritual condition)
“as is fitting in the Lord” (not immoral or unbiblical matters)
Response to the head NEVER includes immoral or destructive directions. The role of wives is supporter not enabler. The wife is not called to take on the husband’s role or do it for him. He is responsible before God for his actions and decisions. She is called to support him in his role as head of the family.
b. Manner of Submission
“As to the Lord” (Just as one would listen to Jesus)
“As the church is subject to Christ” (in concept not on conduct)
“With chaste (pure) and respectful (reverent) behavior like the women of old”
“With the internal adornment of a gentle and quiet spirit rather than external adornment”
Please do not use this passage to teach that women should not wear jewelry or go to the hair dresser. If you use this passage to teach that, you must also insist that women do not wear dresses because “wearing of dresses” is included in the same passage talking about jewelry and hair. The point of the passage is to establish the foundation of real internal not external beauty.
Peter outlined not only what is beautiful to others but what God considers beautiful. “Precious” (of great price) in God’s sight is particular internal qualities. As God looks over the world and comments on what is valuable in His sight, the godly response of a woman to her husband ranks at the top of what is valuable to Him. The key to this valuable gentle and quiet spirit is their “hope in God.” These were women whose ultimate hope was in God NOT their husbands.
They were not frantic even when their husbands made bad decisions (and they did). They put their trust in God to use whatever direction for His ultimate glory and their good. Only such faith can enable the kind of response precious in God’s sight.
“Gentle spirit”
Jesus had such a spirit. It was because He entrusted His soul to a faithful creator.
“Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth.” (Not by scraping to gain it)
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart...”
“Behold your king is coming to you gentle, and mounted on a donkey.”
If there is fear and anxiety it leads to an attempt to control the circumstances or the husband in a demanding abrasive manner. It has to do with tone. It has to do with motive. Only God’s supernatural peace can enable a gentle spirit in a raging storm.
“Quiet spirit”
Quiet refers to a state of tranquility or stillness. The opposite is hostile, anxious, fretful, nagging, restless, fidgety. A gentle and quiet spirit does not mean the woman says nothing or is always silent no matter what. Peter addresses here the manner and intensity of the communication. It comes from one whose concern for others dictates manner of communication. It comes from one who is not driven by fear or personal agenda but hopes in the Lord. It comes from the attitude of one who has nothing to fear thus no reason to demand control.
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised. Prov31:30
c. Models of submission
• Jesus’ service for the church” 1 Peter 2-3
• Holy women who hoped in God
• Sarah’s response to Abraham
Brief survey of Sarah’s Response to Abraham
• Left her home to a place not even Abraham knew where. Only that God directed Him
• Left again during a famine to Egypt
• Silent about Abraham’s 1/2 truth to Pharaoh (God protected her in spite of Abe)
• Another move
• Living with relatives.
• Allowed Abraham to let nephew Lot to choose the best of the land
• Involved in the promise of God to Abraham -- power of influence (Hagar)
• Stood up for what was right regarding Isaac and Ishmael
Sarah she said to Abraham, "Drive out this maid and her son, for the son of this maid shall not be an heir with my son Isaac." Genesis 21:10
God said to Abraham, "Do not be distressed because of the lad and your maid; whatever Sarah tells you, listen to her, for through Isaac your descendants shall be named. Genesis 21:12
d. Results of submission
• Win husbands
This verse is often misunderstood. It is a general principle not an absolute guarantee. The “disobedient to the word” should be understood in a broad sense. Disobedient can be for a Christian or a non-Christian. The “winning” then can refer to winning them to Christ or to a place of obedience to the word in whatever they are doing.
“Win” = to gain, to profit
“Go to your brother and reprove him in private, if he listens to you, you have won your brother.” Matt 18:15
“But the Jews came from Antioch and Iconium, and having won over the multitudes, they stoned Paul and dragged him out of the city, supposing him to be dead.” Acts 14:19
“Having won over the king’s chamerlain, they were asking for peace” acts 12:20
As can be seen by these usages, the winning does not necessarily refer to winning to Christ but the change in relationship. It is a description for reconciliation between parties. The woman can bring about reconciliation from a disobedient husband by her godly behavior. Anger of man or woman does not achieve the righteousness of God. A faithful wife who responds to her husband by being a cooperative willing supporter rather than a contentious scolder has a much greater chance that her husband will see the error of his ways and experience the restoration and development of a relationship of peace and unity. To continue to speak out of hostility and fear and control will intensify the struggle and the determination of the husband to rule over her; thus continually reinforcing the effects of the curse.
• Identification with the holy women of old (children of Sarah)
• Honor to the Word of God (Titus 2:3-5)
The woman’s role is willing support. The woman’s first response to the head is submission.
2. Love husbands and children Titus 2:3-5
Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. Titus 2:3-5
The passage in Paul’s letter to Titus provides more insight into how a woman was meant to respond.
Reverent behavior
Not gossips
Not enslaved to wine or other numbing devices.
Teaching others what is good.
Look at the curriculum for the school of holy women.
• How to love (phileo love or like) your husbands
There are two basic concepts for love in the Bible. Men are urged to love their wives with unconditional love. Here, women are to teach other women to love their husbands with a different kind of love. Is there a difference? We are all commanded to love each other with an unconditional character based love. That love is taught by God and put in the heart of every Christian by God. It is a love that can be demonstrated even to our enemies. Here, women are to teach to love husbands and children. The word for love used here is “phileo”. A brotherly love, a warm fondness based on a friendship and sense of companionship. It is a love based on mutual friendship and interests and goals and desire to be with each other. This is something that must be modeled and taught by others.
• How to love (phileo) your children
• How to live sensibly
• How to keep pure
• How to be effective worker at home
• How to be kind to others.
• How to live in submission (same word used elsewhere) to husbands.
3. Respect Eph 5:33
Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:33
The word here is the same word used for fear (phobos) but is often translated reverence.
The idea is respect or reverence. To approach something with a sense of respect and honor.
Ladies, men are wired to respond to respect. Why do you think they do everyone else’s fix up jobs? We are sensitive, often insecure creatures who respond to commendation, not control or condemnation. We were made to create and to bring order into a chaotic world. The basic need in women is for secure unconditional love. That is why they like to hear it often. That is why they enjoy continual affirmation of your love. Women are generally more relationally oriented and need affirmation of that relationship. Men are basically more task oriented and need affirmation of what they do. When men feel a lack of respect at home, they will find it somewhere else. When should a wife show respect to her husband? Before some other woman does! When should a man tell his wife he loves her? Before some other man does!
Wonder why many men run to other women; to get affirmation and respect. The basic need for men is to be appreciated and respected. The basic need for women is to unconditionally loved and treasured. For a much more thorough treatment of this concept read “Love and Respect”. When men sense challenge or resistance rather than support, there is a tendency to withdraw from their responsibility to love and become a tyrannical leader.
CONCLUSION
Applications from this passage are not easy. What if I am single? What if I am divorced or widowed? You can still be a woman of faith and gentle, quiet spirit. You can still be supportive to the authorities God provides for your protection. Young women need to submit to God’s training ground the family of origin. Learn to respond respectfully and lovingly to your earthly fathers. Older women need to be teachers and role models for the younger women. There is definitely application to your response to Jesus, your ultimate husband. God desires women who will catch a vision for what it means to be a willing support. God desires women who will model and teach young women to be holy women of faith. God desires women who will come along their husbands and encourage them.
God desires women who will respond to their husbands with submission, friendship & respect.
I have explained to the best of my knowledge the God-ordained pattern. It is up to you to apply it. It is up to you to come before God with an open heart the Holy Spirit who will direct you. After all, the godly response of women to their husbands comes from submission to the Holy Spirit. It is clear that if you are not properly responding to your earthly headship, you are not properly relating to your spiritual authority who tells you to respond to your earthly authority. You are NOT under the influence!
