Though marriages are meant to last a lifetime, they can deteriorate rather quickly. I like what someone calls the seven stages of a cold for a married couple:
The first year of marriage, the husband says, "Honey, I'm worried about my little girl. You have a bad sniffle. I want to put you in the hospital for a complete checkup. I know the food is terrible there, but I have arranged for meals for you to be sent in from Valentini's."
The second year: "Listen, sweetheart, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've called the doctor and he said I can bring you in this afternoon. Just rest in bed until it's time to go."
Third year: "Maybe you should lie down, dear. I'll make supper tonight. Do we have any cans of soup in the house?"
Fourth year: "Look, dear, be sensible. After you have fed the kids and washed the dishes, you should go to bed."
Fifth year: "Why don't you take a couple of aspirin."
Sixth year: "Please gargle, or something, instead of sitting around barking like a seal. I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight."
Seventh year: "Would you stop sneezing. What are you trying to do, give me pneumonia? You better sleep on the couch tonight."
Now, there is a ring of truth in this scenario, but I don't think it is an exaggeration. At that rate of deterioration, fourteen years of marriage, as Nancy and I have had, would mean one of us would have to sleep out in the garage. And that has not happened...yet. But, it does remind me that marriage is not easy. It takes a lot of work to keep a marriage strong year after year. It requires effort to make sure we are considerate, kind, affectionate, and loving toward our spouse each and every day. Fourteen years of relatively successful marriage, which Nancy and I celebrated last Tuesday, is no small accomplishment. And, a 50th wedding anniversary, wow! That is spectacular! I just want to say congratulations to Bud and Myrna Anderson who are celebrating five decades of marriage today. I also am going to take a break from our series through Matthew and use this time to encourage us to celebrate not just wedding anniversaries, but to celebrate marriage itself. We have many reasons to express gratitude to God for this precious gift. Let's pray that today the Lord would help each of us grow in our appreciation of marriage.
I want to begin with Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. "Marriage is to be honored by all." By everyone -- male, female, young, old, married, and single. Sometimes I hesitate to devote a whole sermon to the topic of marriage because so many people in the congregation are not married. Single people, for example, children, teens, adults who have been widowed, divorced or never married, make up the majority of people in our country. In fact, 40% of the adults in the United States are not currently married. But even if you are single, God still commands you to honor marriage. Today we will explore two important questions.
#1) Why is marriage to be honored by all? Now, not everyone agrees that it should be. Radical feminists seriously equate marriage with slavery, and maybe some people in this room refer to "the good old days before I was married," but the Bible clearly tells us that marriage is good and important. Why? There are five reasons: First, it is God's plan for human beings to live as husband and wife. We were never meant to be the rocks or islands Paul Simon used to sing about. God made us with an innate need for companionship. As God said in Genesis 2:18, "It is not good for man to be alone." And, in most cases, the best companion is a spouse. Now, this is a little puzzling. The longer I live, the more I realize that men and women are different creatures. Oh, we are similar in many ways, but there are significant differences. Much of the time it is easier for men to get along with other men, and women to relate to other women. But, the Lord knew what He was doing when He made Eve, not Steve, as Adam's partner. Men and women are biologically complementary. Our differences enable us to produce children, and to find a healthy pleasure in sexual intimacy. Adam and Steve just don't work, no matter what the homosexual activists may say. But our differences also make us emotionally and even spiritually complementary. I'm convinced men and women, husbands and wives, are better able to help each other be happier, and even more godly, than a friend of the same sex. That is why God says in Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Now, I need to say at this point that it is not God's will or desire that everyone should be married. There are some folks whom He calls to be single for their entire life. In 1 Corinthians 7 the apostle Paul encourages people not to marry if the Lord has given them the ability to live as a single person, devoted to the Lord. We say such a person has the gift of celibacy. 1 Corinthians 7:7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Paul also says there are others who have been divorced or widowed that God now calls to remain single after their marriage has ended. Paul seems to make the case that single people who devote their energies to serving Christ, rather than serving a family, have a very special calling from God. As Christians we need to make sure we don't treat unmarried adults in the church as second-class citizens. Those who don't have a spouse, or other family members to care for, need to make good use of their time and energy. Some of the widows and widowers in our congregation are very good models for us. I'm sure they often feel a bit lonely, but they keep busy doing the things God has called them to do, helping others and serving Christ's Kingdom. If you are single, widowed, divorced, not married yet, not ever married, God does not want you to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. You need to recognize your particular situation in life as an opportunity to serve the Lord in ways you could not do if you were married. Ask God to help you use those opportunities in a way that honor Him.
Secondly, marriage is good and important because it makes husbands better men. A few years ago, George Gilder wrote a remarkable book called Men and Marriage. The result of his research surprised many, but it probably should not have, because it reflects what Genesis says: "It is not good for man to be alone." Gilder found that on average, men who are married work harder, make more money, commit less crime, are more honest, more generous, healthier, and much happier than men who are single. Now, you single guys here should not be discouraged. Most of you are well above average, though you might want to double check just to make sure God is really calling you to be single. Gilder says the reason marriage has such a positive effect is that it tends to "tame men." Being accountable to a wife and caring for a family cause men to be more responsible. Fourteen years of marriage to Nancy have certainly made me a better man than I would have been without her.
Thirdly, how about women, do they get as much from marriage as men do? I'm not sure, but certainly women benefit from the marriage relationship. I have not read any studies which contrast single and married women, but I have made a couple of interesting observations. #1) Those women who think the world would be much better off if men didn't exist, the radical feminists, are not happy people. Whatever good, or not so good, qualities they have, they are not happy. Often they are very angry. Though they claim to be able to "get along fine without men," their attitude shows they are not doing that. #2) Almost every single mom I know would like to be married to a good husband. Oh, she may be glad to be rid of the man she had, but she knows being a parent would be a lot easier with a husband who was willing to encourage, support and help in caring for her family. Single moms are usually too busy caring for their children to be looking for husbands, but it's something many desire. Dr. James Dobson talks about the different emotional needs of men and women. A desire to be respected is often dominant in men, and a desire for security tends to be a woman's most basic emotional need. Even strong, gifted, independent women often feel they need the physical and emotional security a marriage can bring. Though marriages can turn sour and cause considerable pain to both men and women, the relationship between husband and wife has the potential to bring a sense of fulfillment and joy to life that single people, including single women, can rarely experience.
The fourth reason marriage is important is because it provides unique opportunities for spiritual growth, for both men and women. Now, I'm certainly not claiming married people are somehow spiritually superior to singles. That is often not the case. But I do believe the marriage relationship is a means of grace which God uses to help us become more like Christ. One obvious way is the accountability which often exists between husband and wife. Living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed year after year provide excellent opportunities to encourage each other in our Christian walk, and to correct each other when one strays from the path. But there is something else involved as well. A couple which seeks to follow the biblical instructions for marriage that God gives in Ephesians 5 and other places, gets a lot of practice at some important Christian virtues. Sacrifice and submission are the key words in a biblical marriage. These have much in common, though Scripture says sacrifice is primarily the husband's responsibility and submission, the wife's. But I want you to note that sacrifice and submission are also important parts of being a Christian and following Christ. Jesus calls us to lose our lives so we might find them, and to follow Him wherever He leads. So a biblical marriage which is full of sacrifice and submission helps us grow as a Christian. It is a school where disciples of Jesus are trained. It is not the only school, but it is a valuable one.
The fifth reason why marriage is important is because good marriages provide an essential foundation for a healthy society. We could spend a lot of time on this, but I will just say that many of the social and economic problems we face in our country are compounded, or even caused, by the breakdown in marriages and families which have occurred in the United States during the last forty years. For example, almost all the school teachers I talk with say their job is much harder because of the difficult circumstances many of their students face at home. These situations are frequently linked to broken or bad marriages. Strong, healthy marriages don't just mean happier men, women and children, but also mean a better city, state, and nation for every one of us.
OK, I hope you are convinced that marriage is worth honoring. Now let's talk about how we can do that in practical ways. #1) Celebrate marriage events like weddings and anniversaries. We are going to do that this afternoon. That is good because I'm afraid we often devote a lot more time and energy to celebrating events which are not nearly as important. Football games, for example. Now, it was nice of the NFL to schedule the Vikings game for Thursday and the Packers game for 3:15 this afternoon so we would not have to miss watching our favorite football teams to attend the 50th anniversary party. But, I thought: What if the Andersons would have scheduled their wedding anniversary celebration last Sunday at noon when the Vikings and Packers were playing down at the Metrodome? Where would I have been? Where would I rather have been? I don't know. I'm glad I didn't have to make that choice, but I do know what my priorities should be. A wedding anniversary celebration is more important than a football game, because what happens on a football field is not as important as what happens in a marriage. Football is a game, marriage is life. When someone we know gets married or has a wedding anniversary, we need to try to make room in our schedule to celebrate that event with them. That is one way each of us can honor marriage.
#2) Avoid sexual immorality. Though we have not mentioned it yet, that is the focus of our text. Listen again to Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. The affair, the sexual relationship with someone who is not your spouse, destroys marriages. Yes, forgiveness is possible and I know of very good marriages that have weathered these storms of immorality. But even the secular world acknowledges that adultery is a very serious sin. The polls show that many Americans are quite tolerant of a political leader who has a sexual affair, but they sure don't want their spouse to do that. Despite all the talk of "open marriages," the vast majority of people demand that their spouse keep the marriage vows and avoid adultery.
A growing number of people are also realizing that premarital sex can be destructive to a marriage relationship. A few years ago some people, even Christians, were starting to say that a trial period of living together before marriage was probably a good idea. Now the statistics are coming in and surprise, surprise, people who live together before they get married are more likely to get divorced and have other marriage problems than those who don't live together. Studies also show that people who are sexually active before marriage not only risk contracting various physical diseases, but also are more likely to experience a variety of emotional problems than those who don't have sex before they get married. As Dr. Laura says, "Get married first, then sleep together. That is the way it is supposed to be." And I would add, it is the way that honors marriage.
#3) Commit yourself to making your marriage a good one. This is maybe obvious, but it is important. If you are married, the best way you can honor marriage is by building and maintaining a good, solid relationship with your spouse. As we have said, that takes work. It requires sacrifice, giving up your own desires for your spouse's sake. It requires submission, not demanding your own way. It is not always easy. But the benefits and joy that can be found in a good marriage make everything you put into it a very good investment. There are no guarantees, of course. Sometimes even those who have worked very hard at their marriages see them fall apart. But, even if that is the case, it is still worth the effort. The Lord commands us to "honor marriage." If I am a husband or wife, that means I need to commit myself to making my marriage a good one. A tangible way is to get a copy of our wedding vows, the promises we have made to each other, and hang them up on the dresser mirror or some place to remind ourselves what we need to be doing.
#4) Support the marriages around you. This is so important and, frankly, I think many times even Christians fail to do this. To honor marriage means that moms and dads need to support their children's marriages. It means instead of siding with their daughter or son against their son-in-law or daughter-in-law, parents need to encourage their children to be committed to working things out with their spouse. Oh, I'm not talking about cases where abuse is occurring. That is a different story. But parents need to remember that though little Johnny or Suzy will always be their son or daughter, once their child is married, he or she becomes someone else's spouse and, according to Genesis 2:24, that marriage relationship takes priority over the parent-child relationship. When mom and dad remember that and encourage their children in their marriages, they honor marriage. We also need to support and encourage our friends in their marriage. Too many times a gal comes in for counseling and tells me, "Pastor Dan, all my friends say I should just file for divorce." I often want to say, but usually don't, "Maybe you should get some new friends." Good friends are those who honor marriage, and encourage us to hang in there in our marriage even when it is not easy, and to support us as we try to do that. Good friends know that divorce is a terrible tragedy and should be used only as a last resort. We need to be the type of friends who support the marriages around us.
Friends, as I close, I need to say that I realize honoring marriage is not easy. The four things we have just talked about doing don't come naturally for most of us. I believe it is through a relationship with Jesus Christ that God enables us to honor marriage as we should. When we put our trust in Jesus as Lord and Savior, some very important things happen. Our sins are forgiven, we become a part of God's family, and God gives us His Holy Spirit which enables us to live in a way that pleases Him. If you are here today and are not trusting in Jesus Christ, then you are going to have a very hard time honoring marriage. The first step you need to take is to turn to Jesus, stop thinking you are doing just fine without Him, and receive Him as your personal Lord and Savior. If you have not done that yet, I hope you will. Then all of us who are believers in Christ need to ask the Lord to help us honor marriage, just as He has said we should.
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