Matthew 19:3-9 (READ)
In Matthew 19 the Pharisees tried to trick Jesus by asking Him what they thought was a tough question about divorce. ¡§Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?¡¨ (vs. 3). To put it in modern-day language, ¡§Can you get a no-fault divorce for any reason you want?¡¨ In Jesus¡¦ day there were two schools of thought among the Jews regarding divorce. (1) The conservative Jews and their rabbis held that a person could not get divorced for any reason. (2) The liberal rabbis taught that a person could get divorced for almost any reason. So the Pharisees thought they could trap Jesus by making Him choose sides between these two schools of thought.
Of course, Jesus knew what the Pharisees were up to, and He wasn¡¦t about to fall into their trap. Instead, He asked, ¡§Have you not read?¡¨ (vs. 4). In other words, ¡§Don¡¦t you read your Bible?¡¨ What Jesus was saying is that the issue of marriage and divorce should not be left up to debate, discussion and personal viewpoints. See, when it comes to divorce everybody has an opinion. If you are having marital difficulties, you can always find someone who will make you feel comfortable about your position. But Jesus was not interested in popular opinion. In verses 4-5, He took the Pharisees back to God¡¦s original plan for man and woman in marriage. (Genesis 1:27; 2:24). The great tragedy about marriage and divorce is that we listen to what everybody else has to say about it, but we don¡¦t know what God has said about it. God, through His Word has spoken very clearly to us about the subject of divorce.
Simply put: God¡¦s plan for marriage always has been one man and one woman together for a lifetime.
Our goal this morning is to find Biblical answers rather than human opinions for this issue that has become so damaging in our culture today and in so doing, to answer the question:
What Does God Really Think About Divorce?
HERE ARE THREE THINGS WE KNOW FOR SURE CONCERNING GOD¡¦S VIEW OF DIVORCE.
I. GOD BELIEVES IN MARRIAGE! ¡V He should; He started it!
Matthew 19:4-5 (READ) When God performed the marriage of Adam and Eve, divorce was not part of the formula. That¡¦s why Jesus chided the Pharisees for not going back to the Scriptures to see what God said about marriage and particularly, divorce. Jesus rehearsed the biblical marriage formula and added the statement that is repeated at almost every marriage, ¡§What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.¡¨ (vs. 6).
Jesus is saying that before we can talk about divorce, we need to understand God¡¦s original will and plan for marriage. He intended it to be a one-flesh commitment for life. Now the reason this is so is that it takes a lifetime to get marriage right! So many people say, ¡§Well, I didn¡¦t know what I was getting into.¡¨ Think about it. Of course you didn¡¦t know what you were getting into! You weren¡¦t married yet! And when you did get married, you didn¡¦t just marry your mate. You married your mate¡¦s history and upbringing and family. See why it takes a lifetime to get marriage right? So before we talk about biblical reasons for divorce, we need to affirm God¡¦s original intention. Marriage is His idea, so He gets to set the rules.
What¡¦s THE RULE again? One man, one woman, for life. Keep working at it until you get it right! ¡§Every wedding creates the possibility of a marriage.¡¨
II. GOD NEVER WANTS DIVORCE! ¡V Even in the worst cases (adultery and abuse) God¡¦s heart is to see healing come to those involved so that the marriage can be restored.
NOTE: The United States leads the world in divorce. 50% failure rate.
A. TROUBLES IN MARRIAGE COME AS THE RESULT OF SIN IN THE HEART OF ONE OR BOTH INDIVIDUALS.
Jesus said the reason Moses first drew up a certificate of divorce was (vs. 8 ) ¡§¡Kbecause your hearts were hard.¡¨ (Related Scriptures: Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:1-12 Luke 16:18) The Pharisees tried to say the divorce provision in the Mosaic Law (Deuteronomy 24:1-4) was a command, as if God was making them do it. Jesus said, ¡§No, you¡¦ve got it wrong. Moses only reluctantly allowed divorce because of sin.¡¨ God never commands divorce. But because of sin, God sometimes allows divorce to protect the innocent party from the ravages of sin. That¡¦s a fundamental distinction. People who go looking for an excuse to dump their mates are way off target when it comes to God¡¦s will.
Divorce comes from hardness of hearts. Sin will make your heart hard to things it used to love or be sensitive to. Pride (unwillingness to admit wrong), neglect (The #1 reason sited among women for wanting a divorce! The breakdown in time & communication), anger (abuse), lust (wandering eye/pornography) ¡V all these things are sins and are impacted by sinful influences that can make our heart¡¦s hard towards God and those we love. It is not normal or natural for two people who loved one another enough to pledge their lives to each other to develop such a dislike between themselves that they split up and walk away. Something happened to their hearts. Marriage problems are the result of heart problems. One, or both individuals has let sin harden their hearts to the place where they won¡¦t let love work.
B. WHEN YOU HAVE MARRIAGE TROUBLES, GOD EXPECTS YOU TO WORK HARD TOWARDS RECONCILATION.
I Corinthians 7:10-11 ¡V ¡§To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But is she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.¡¨
The question always is asked, ¡§Under what conditions does divorce become biblically permissible?¡¨ Jesus went on to say, (Matthew 19:9) ¡§Whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.¡¨ So a permissible basis for divorce is immorality by one of the partners in a marriage. Now, let¡¦s notice two things.
First, Jesus does not say divorce is demanded in this case. The ideal, even after a marriage partner has committed immorality, is repentance, forgiveness, cleansing of the sin, and reconciliation and restoration of the marriage.
Second, the fact that Jesus drew a very small circle for legitimate, permissible divorce means that every other reason outside the circle is an illegitimate reason for divorce. The apostle Paul does add the reason of desertion by an unbelieving mate, I Corinthians 7:15. I would add that I don¡¦t believe God wants someone to stay in a situation where there is physical abuse. THERE ARE NO OTHER BIBLICALLY ACCEPTABLE REASONS. And even in these cases, God wants us to work towards reconciliation.
In fact, Jesus says the person who divorces and remarries with no permissible grounds commits adultery, because in God¡¦s eyes that person is still married to his or her original partner. These are two very important points in our discussion of divorce and remarriage. Too many people want to skip the reasons to stay married and jump right to the reasons for divorce because they are looking for a way out of their marriages.
Why is God so intent about keeping people in a marriage relationship, even if it is troubled? In Malachi 2:16, God gives His strongest opinion on the subject of divorce when He simply states: ¡§I hate divorce.¡¨ There are reasons why God hates divorce. I think it¡¦s important that we review some of them this morning.
WHAT DIVORCE DOES
IT IS EMOTIONALLY DESTRUCTIVE ¡V Malachi 2:13-15 ¡V ¡§You flood the Lord¡¦s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.
You ask, ¡¥Why?¡¦ It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.¡¨
These verses remind us of the EMOTIONAL damage that happens when a husband and wife go their separate ways. Divorce wreaks havoc on a person¡¦s emotions.
QUOTES FROM DIVORCED PEOPLE:
¡§I felt like such a failure that I just wanted to run away. I could start over with a new life somewhere, and no one would know how badly I had messed up my old one.¡¨
¡§All I wanted was to make her pay for what she had done to me emotionally. I felt so cheated and angry.¡¨
¡§I was terrified to be on my own. And I didn¡¦t think I could handle all the responsibility by myself.¡¨
¡§I felt totally worthless and rejected. I had no hope of ever being happy again.¡¨
„h It terminates what was once a loving relationship between a husband and wife. The best of friends become enemies.
„h It undermines the commitment that two people made to stay together ¡§for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live.¡¨
„h It is like a ¡§death with no headstone.¡¨ There is no closure. The remorse and mourning is never laid to rest.
„h It leaves people who were meant to be one another¡¦s life companion to face life alone.
Illustr. ¡V Uncle Bob¡¦s letter to Grandpa and Grandma N.
„h In their loneliness, divorced partners often make worse relationship mistakes the second time around. 2nd marriages or more that twice as likely to fail.
„h It fractures families. Children are the innocent victims of divorce. 60% of children in America will lose a parent to divorce before they reach the age of eighteen. During one day over 3,000 children in America see their parents divorce.
„h There are nasty custody battles. Who gets the kids and when? Children should be playing tug-of-war with their parents ¡V they shouldn¡¦t be the rope!
„h Angry parents often use their kids against one another as spies or to gain emotional leverage.
„h Children are raised in the absence of a full-time mother or a father. God¡¦s plan was for two parents. Nothing against our single parents here this morning ¡V we love and support you. But God knew the best way to raise healthy children was for them to have the stability of a mother and father as models to learn from. NOTE: As many as 90% of the men in prison are from an absentee father situation.
God hates divorce because he loves people and he doesn¡¦t want to see them go through the emotional pain.
IT IS FINANCIALLY DESTRUCTIVE
As many as 80% of failed marriages in the United States cited money as one of the main problems. Strangely enough, in most cases, money problems only get worse when two people get a divorce!
„h The court usually has to get involved to help a couple ¡§split¡¨ their belongings. Don¡¦t forget, the lawyers always get their cut of what¡¦s left between you!
„h There are often arguments and resentment over child support payments. Many men don¡¦t pay and even when they do, it never seems to be enough!
„h One of both partners must now establish a new home. Questions like ¡§Can I afford the rent?¡¨ and ¡§How can I afford furniture?¡¨ are suddenly a new reality.
Illustr. ¡V How Divorce is Shaping the Real Estate Industry. ¡§Divorce, one of our country¡¦s most unsavory social trends, is a great for the real estate industry. Chris Eigel, executive vice president of Koenig & Strey, a large realty firm in suburban Chicago, ¡¥Unfortunately, divorce is a big part of our business. It means one home to sell and sometimes tow to buy.¡¦ Roger Mankedick of MDL Inc., an Arlington Heights-based market and research and consulting firm, ¡¥I hate to sound crass, but divorce good for home builders.¡¦¡¨
NOTE: We cried when we moved out of our town house because of the memories. (Explain) I can¡¦t imagine leaving my home AND my family!
„h One or both partners are often forced into difficult financial situations. Budgets are usually tighter than ever. To make ends meet, spouses who may not have needed to work before now have no choice but to get a job.
„h Some of the much-needed money is now necessary to pay to put the children into day care centers while mom/dad is at work. Mom is separated from dad, children are separated from one of their parents, and now, the remaining parent with custody is forced to be separated from their children most of the day.
These are several more of the reasons why God hates divorce. He¡¦s not your enemy! He just wants to see you avoid this kind of pain!
IT IS SPIRITUALLY DESTRUCTIVE ¡V (READ Malachi 2:13-16 again.)
QUOTES FROM DIVORCED PEOPLE:
¡§I felt lost¡KI¡¦d go through the motions.¡¨
¡§I lost faith¡Khow could this happen to me? I wasn¡¦t a bad person.¡¨
¡§It was like being in a hole. At times I felt like I was in the middle of blackness.¡¨
Divorce will rock your world spiritually ¡V especially if you know what the Bible says about it!
„h There is usually great guilt ¡V especially for those with Biblical understanding ¡V because they KNOW it is not what God wants!
„h Christians often fall out of fellowship with their church and other believers because they are afraid of people judging them.
„h Divorce, in the majority of cases is sin, and one sin often leads to another as the person lowers their standards. I have often seen people go into a ¡§downward spiral¡¨ of sin once they make a large compromise. They feel ¡§What¡¦s the use? I blew it so bad I might as well try some more things.¡¨
„h Every time a Christian marriage fails, the children will potentially ask the question, ¡§If God couldn¡¦t help my parents stay together, then why should I serve Him?¡¨ (READ Malachi 2:15 again.)
God hates divorce because it is sin and sin separates us from the one who loves us more than anyone else. He¡¦s the one who gave His Only Begotten Son to bring us back into a love relationship with Him. GOD LOVES YOU! THAT¡¦S WHY HE HATES DIVORCE! That brings me to my final point.
III. GOD STILL LOVES DIVORCED PEOPLE!
God does not turn His back on those who have or are experiencing the tragedy of divorce any more than He turns His back on those who have committed others types of sin. Nehemiah 9:17 says, God is ¡§a forgiving God, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love.¡¨
If you have experienced the tragedy of divorce I want you to know that God will NEVER divorce you! This Pastor loves you! This congregation wants to minister to you. I believe I John 1:9 works for everyone! (quote it!) I believe if Jesus could say to the woman caught in the very act of adultery, ¡§Neither do I condemn you¡Kgo and sin no more!¡¨ then we must also drop our self-righteous stones and get on about the business of loving those who have fallen. He gave her permission to ¡§move on.¡¨ Perhaps that¡¦s what some of you need from Jesus today. Permission to move on. If you will come to Him this morning with a tender heart I can assure, I am confident He will say, ¡§Permission granted.¡¨
II Corinthians 7:10 ¡V ¡§Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret.¡¨
Don¡¦t hide. Don¡¦t run. Don¡¦t sit there in rebellion and act like you don¡¦t have a problem if in fact you do. Don¡¦t be ashamed. Just come to Jesus.
READ James 4:4-10 (THE MESSAGE)
If you sit here this morning and you have a troubled marriage, no matter how bleak your circumstances, no matter how badly you or your mate have blown it there is hope because Jesus paid it all! The debt or your sin and mine has been covered. I don¡¦t know anybody else offering that kind of deal around town these days! If you have a messed up marriage, all the world can do is give you a lot of dead-end options. ¡§Throw in the towel.¡¨ ¡§Get rid of your mate. Try it again.¡¨ ¡§Enjoy sex without being tied down by a piece of paper.¡¨
But there is another option. It comes in a Person. It comes with nail prints in the hands and a wound in the side and a body drained of blood. The risen Jesus Christ has made restitution to God for your sin, and He can give you the power to forgive and to restore your marriage, if you will come to Him in faith and trust Him to do the work.
Illustr. ¡V Mike and Wanda Mudget.
