The Rules:
God-tested Secrets for Relationships
Scripture: Ephesians 5:21-6:1-9
Intro: I hold in my hands a book that has been much talked about since it first appeared in 1995.
Its critics call it hopelessly old-fashioned and unrealistic;
its fans say that it is a refreshing return to common sense in romantic relationships.
It’s called, The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right.
What are the rules? you might ask.
Well, I don’t want to give away any secrets;
after all, there are men in the room!
Still, I don’t suppose it would hurt to let you in on a few of “The Rules” for relationships found in this little volume:
For example, Rule #2:
“Don’t talk to a man first”
Rule #6:
“Always end phone calls first”
Rule #7:
“Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.”
Rule #18 (let’s see if I can get any “amens” with this one!):
“Don’t expect a man to change”
and Rule #20:
“Be honest but mysterious.”
Those are just a few of “The Rules” that the authors promise will “bring out the best in you and in the men you date.”
Now, before anyone tries to run me down and pry this book from my fat little fingers, I have to tell you this is a library book, so it’s not mine to loan out or give away.
And, while it does appear to contain some wisdom,
there are books from a Christian perspective that do much the same kind of thing. . . .
IN FACT, today’s Scripture reading actually give us some divine rules for relationships, in a passage that not only concerns relationships but which also, in one way or another, applies to everyone in this room.
But I want to take a somewhat different approach this morning,
because rather than focusing on the rules, as we so often do in the church,
I want to point us
to what we can learn from the rules,
to the insights that are waiting to be discovered behind the commands themselves.
So if you would, please turn in your Bibles to the book of Ephesians in the New Testament. . . .
And, though I was asked to speak on Ephesians 6:1 9, I’m going to cheat just a little bit, and ask you to give your attention to Ephesians 5:21-6:9, as several of our brothers and sisters read that passage for us:
ALL: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
WIFE: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
HUSBAND: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved
the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no-one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
CHILD: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honour your father and mother" —which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
DAD: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
EMPLOYEE: Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect
and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favour when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free.
EMPLOYER: And masters, treat your slaves in the same way.
Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favouritism with him.
Thank you all very much.
Now, there is much that could be said about this passage; there are a lotta ways to “preach it.”
For example, I could focus on each of the three pairs of relationships—
wives and husbands,
childrens and parents,
and slaves and masters (or, in contemporary terms, perhaps, employees and employers);
Or, I could talk about the crucial parallels made by the use of the word “as” throughout the passage:
as Christ is the head of the church,
as the church submits to Christ,
as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
as Christ does the church,
as he loves himself,
as you would obey Christ,
as if you were serving the Lord;
I could discuss how the instructions in this passage were counter-cultural commands that would have been shocking to the people of Paul’s day, the people to whom they were first given,
because they were in direct opposition to the accepted practices of that time, commanding
—as they did—a whole new way of treating husbands, wives, children, parents, slaves, and masters.
Or, I could spend the whole sermon in chapter 6 verse 4 —the only negative command, by the way, the only “do not” in the whole passage —and I could preach on the two sure ways we fathers can exasperate our children:
by being unconcerned (that is, too lenient);
or by being unreasonable (that is, too strict),
and how a loving balance of
nurture and admonition
is not only wise, but also commanded!
But I’m not going to do any of those things!
Instead, I’m going to ask you to look closely at Ephesians 5:21-6:9, as I point out THREE THINGS that STRIKE me and EXCITE me about this passage.
The first is this:
I God cares about your relationships
You see, I’m convinced that we in the church have gotten into the habit of focusing on the commands of Scripture without recognizing or acknowledging the spirit that prompts the commands.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting we ignore the commands or gloss over them. . .
BUT I AM SUGGESTING that the commands of God take on a deeper, richer meaning when we understand the spirit,
the motive,
the purpose behind the commands.
For example, when you were a child,
your parents probably taught you,
“Don’t run with scissors in your hand!”
That’s a pretty straightforward command, right?
But why was the command given?
Was it because your parents were afraid you might break the scissors?
Was it because they wanted to keep the fun of running with scissors all to themselves?
NO!!!
It was to protect you from injury;
the commandment revealed their concern for your safety.
So what do these commands in Ephesians 5 and 6 reveal?
They reveal that God cares about your relationships.
Not just the vertical—
your relationship with him,
but also the horizontal—
your relationships with others around you.
He cares what happens
between you and your husband,
between you and your wife,
between you and your parents,
between you and your children,
between you and your boss,
between you and your employees,
even between you and your roommate,
you and your siblings,
you and your friends.
Do you remember when Jesus hung on the cross, in brutal, unremitting pain,
John’s Gospel records how he turned to Mary, his mother, and indicated John the disciple, saying, “Dear woman, here is your son,” and then, turning to John, said, “Here is your mother.”
He was dying on the cross for the salvation of the WORLD, and he actually took a moment to say to two people he loved, “take care of each other.”
That same Lord cares about you and your relationships, just as he was concerned about Mary and John’s relationships.
He cares about the hurts you carry from those relationships,
he cares about the hurts you’ve caused in relationships,
and he wants all your relationships to be a reflection of his nature,
his will for you,
and his desire for your wholeness and happiness.
So the first thing that pops out at me from today’s reading in God’s Word is the realization that God cares about our relationships. But that’s not all. The second thing that strikes me about these verses is this:
II God’s Word acknowledges that relationships don’t just happen; they require knowledge, skill, and work
A couple years ago, my lovely wife, Robin, attended a Christian conference where she heard a speaker, whom both of us respect and admire, talk eloquently and effectively about womanhood, and marriage, and family.
At a break in the day’s events, Robin stood by while other women surrounded the speaker with heartfelt questions, seeking wisdom about how to better understand and love their sons and daughters.
At the beginning of the next session, the speaker expressed some exasperation at this, mentioning how women had been asking her how she raised such a wonderful Christian daughter, and her response was,
“I can’t tell you that. . . . she’s my daughter!”
as though that biological relationship was all it took, all that should be required.
Now, it’s possible I’m misinterpreting that godly woman’s remarks,
but do you see how Ephesians 5:21-6:9 makes it clear that relationships don’t just happen?
Do you see how this passage reveals that just being a wife,
just being a husband,
just being a child, a parent, a boss, or whatever,
isn’t all that’s required?
Do you see the acknowledgment in these verses that relationships require knowledge, skill, and work?
That’s so important, because a lot of us enter
marriage,
and parenthood,
and jobs,
and friendships,
with the mistaken assumption that it should be easy,
that it should come naturally,
and that if it ever gets hard,
or confusing,
or frustrating,
or unpleasant,
then something’s wrong and it’s time to get out.
But it seems pretty clear here, in Ephesians 5 & 6,
that God does not wish us to assume or imagine
that relationships just happen as if by magic;
it seems clear that relationships—of all kinds—
require knowledge, skill, and work. . .
and God’s Word even supplies the knowledge
—right here in Ephesians and elsewhere—
through his commands,
which can be developed into relational skills through diligent, sometimes hard, work.
So —isn’t this fun?—
today’s Scripture reading shows me
(1) that God cares about our relationships, and
(2) that God’s Word acknowledges that relationships require knowledge, skill, and work.
And the final thing that strikes me and excites me about this passage is this:
III God is apparently more concerned with what you contribute to your relationships than with that you demand of them
That is so important, I’m gonna repeat it:
God is apparently more concerned with what you contribute to your relationships than with that you demand of them.
This is a point that is so often and routinely missed in regard to this passage,
and I believe it leads to error and sorrow.
For example,
notice that Paul did not say to the Ephesian church, “wives, get your husbands to love you.”
Notice he did not write,
“husbands, see to it that your wives submit.”
Notice that he didn’t even say,
“parents, make your children obey”
(truth is — brace yourselves here, because I’m gonna tell you a dirty little secret. . .
children, cover your ears—
no parent can make a child obey;
we can only encourage obedience
and discourage disobedience.
And, parents, if we think we can make our children obey, if we think we can force obedience, then we’re headed for nothing but disappointment and frustration on our part and resentment and rebellion on our child’s part).
But notice how this passage concerns itself with what you contribute to your relationships rather than with that you demand of them.
We have a saying in our family, and I have no idea where it came from, but it’s this:
“lick your own skillet”
Now, we don’t go around licking skillets in my household, but the idea is this:
take care of your responsibility.
You see, because I believe so much error and sorrow comes from men saying to their wives,
“You’re not submitting like you’re supposed to,”
and wives saying,
“Well, you’re not loving me like you should,”
and then,
“Well, our kids aren’t obeying, either,”
and,
“Well, maybe they would if you’d stop exasperating them!”
and on and on and on.
But God’s apparent concern in this passage is what you contribute to your relationships
rather than with that you demand of them.
And I believe that concern even goes beyond
submission,
or love,
or obedience,
or the other specifics mentioned in this passage.
I believe God would have you — and me — examine our hearts this morning;
I believe he would have us examine our behavior;
I believe he wants us to examine our relationships,
to see if they reflect the spirit of Ephesians 5:21-6:9,
and that is to “lick our own skillets,”
to be concerned with what we are contributing to those relationships,
to ask ourselves, “Am I —
not somebody else, but am I —
submitting as the church submits to Christ,
am I loving as Christ loved the church and gave
himself up for her,
am I caring as Christ cares for the church,
am I loving as I love myself,
am I obeying as I would obey Christ,
am I serving as if I were serving the Lord.
There may be someone here who is grieving over a broken relationship,
and God is saying, “I care. I care.
Let me hurt with you. Let others hurt with you. Let my comfort and their comfort,
working together, heal you.”
There may be someone here who is rejoicing in a relationship,
and God is saying, “I care. I care.
Let me rejoice with you. Let others rejoice with you. Let our celebration encourage you.”
There may be someone here who is struggling in a relationship,
and God is saying, “don’t give up; it may take knowledge, skill, and work, but don’t give up,
let me help, through my word,
through others around you,
through my strength in your weakness.”
There may be someone here this morning who would be reconciled with another in this room,
or who would seek the forgiveness of another,
or who would grant forgiveness to another,
and God is cheering you on,
giving you courage.
There may be someone here who is feeling
cheated by a relationship,
or ignored in a relationship,
or insecure and inadequate in a relationship,
and God is saying,
“let me help you ‘lick your own skillet,’
let me help you submit as the church submits,
let me help you love as Christ loves,
let me help you care as Christ cares,
let me help you love as you love yourself,
let me help you obey as you would obey Christ,
let me help you serve as if you were serving the Lord.
He’s willing to help you do that this morning, because he cares,
because he knows that relationships don’t just
happen; they require knowledge, skill, and work,
and because he is intent on helping you --
whatever others may or may not do--
to please him in your relationships.
It can happen. That is the promise of today’s Scripture. Let’s pray.
Father God, thank you for the truth of your Word, and for the way your Holy Spirit applies it to each heart . . . Please apply your truth and grace to us, to our minds and hearts, and to our relationships, and as we hear you speak, please help us to respond quickly, obediently, fully before doing anything else today, in Jesus’ name, Amen.
