First Baptist Church
Ephesians 6:4
Colossians 3:21
May 12, 2002
I want to tell you a sad but true story that I may have shared before. It occurred about 25 years ago. My sister Susie was about to have back surgery. Susie had been divorced for a couple of years and my mom was at Susie’s home, watching her two children. My dad was at the hospital with Susie, and as they were taking her to surgery, she wanted to tell my father one thing. So, she said, "Dad, I love you." He said, "Me too." So, Susie asked him to say the words, "I love you." He would not say them. It’s really a sad story.
Can you imagine a parent not able to respond to tell their child that they are loved? That’s what happened to Susie. I have often thought about the possible outcomes in that situation, what if she had died during surgery, she would have died not knowing for certain if her father loved her. How might that have impacted my father?
Today is mother’s day. It is a day when we celebrate motherhood and really it is a time to look at how we impact the children in our lives. I’ll be honest, I don’t like to preach sermons specifically for mother’s or father’s. There are some of us who have not had the most wonderful, loving, compassionate and giving parents; and days like today bring up reminders of our pain. So, today and again on Father’s day, I want to look at the impact we can make on the lives of the children. And when I say children, I am also referring to those who have children who are in their 20’s on up to their 50’s.
I like what Paul says in these two scriptures. "Parents, don’t exasperate your children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."And in Colossians 3:21 Paul exhorts parents, "do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
Those are profound words for us parents to listen to. The word exasperate comes from the root word in Greek which literally means ‘to make one hostile towards something.’ I don’t think that is the goal of good parenting.
How we treat our children, has a profound impact on them later in life. When your child makes a mistake how do you treat them? Is it a big inconvenience for you? Do you berate them to no end and talk about how bad they are in front of them? Or do you ask them to help you clean up a mess and you work alongside of them?
I found this story on the Internet —
One Saturday morning, six year old Brandon decided to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened a cabinet and pulled out the flour, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into a bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very special for Mom and Dad, but it was going from bad to worse. He didn’t know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove, (and he didn’t know how the stove worked!).
Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. Just then he saw Dad standing at the door.
Big tears welled up in Brandon’s eyes. All he’d wanted to do was something good, but he’d made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.
I know I wouldn’t have been very happy. Yet, how I react has an everlasting impact on my children. I have the opportunity to love that child or to belittle him. The choice is mine.
I asked many of you to answer the following question — "If you could hear your mom and your dad tell you one thing, what would you most want them to say to you?"
You need to keep in mind that most of the people who responded were adults, and only a few were in high school. Thirteen people responded that they wanted to hear a parent say "I LOVE YOU." The next highest number was 8 people who wanted to hear a parent say "I AM PROUD OF YOU." There were a few other answers, such as wanting to know that their parent was in heaven.
One person essentially combined the two answers and said it beautifully, "The one thing I’d like to hear my parents say is that they’re proud of who I am as a person, and they love me for being that person."
Another person, after saying they wanted to hear their parents say "I love you," added, "On the other hand, it might be nice to hear "Hi honey, I just wanted to let you know that when you reach the age of 21 you will find an estate has been left to you by your great uncle Rasmus, and you will soon be a billionaire." That is wishful thinking.
Many of the people who responded added that the reason they wanted their parents to say "I LOVE YOU" was because they didn’t hear it enough when they were younger. One of the interesting aspects is that we all want something more from our parents, no matter what age we are.
So, with that in mind, moms and dads, how often are you telling your kids that you love them and are proud of them? You see, it doesn’t matter whether your kid is a new born or if your kid has grandkids, it is vitally important to tell your kids you love them and are proud of them.
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Now, I don’t want to get all sentimental and morbid at the same time, but the real question is — do your children know that you love them? Do they know that you are proud of them?
Personally speaking, I never doubted my mother’s love. We never ended a conversation without saying "I love you." I know I could have been as dishonest as you could imagine, and I truly believe that she would still love me. She might not like me, but she would love me. However, I have not always been as certain about my father’s love. I assume he is proud of me, even though I profess Jesus and he doesn’t. But he has never told me. Saying I love you is not very easy for him either, as I mentioned at the beginning of the sermon.
What the children hear at home, will stay with them for a lifetime. I am learning that the hard way. When I say something in exasperation, Joshua usually goes around repeating it, and when Joshua becomes angry at Zachary, he normally says the same things I say. It’s scary what our kids take with them.
Yet, Paul tells us not to exasperate our kids. And we can extend that to all kids we come in contact with. Whether you have kids or not, we all have some type of contact with them. So that we don’t exasperate kids, Gary Chapman has written 3 books in a series — The Five Love Languages; The 5 Languages of Love for Children; and The 5 Languages of Love for Teenagers.
The basic premise in each book is that each person desires to be spoken to in a very particular love language. He has identified 5 love languages that whether you are 2 or 92, you will respond to one of these. The key is learning what the love language of your children, spouse and other loved ones, whom you want to please in a healthy manner.
The 5 languages of love are —
1. QUALITY TIME 2. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION 3. GIFTS
4. PHYSICAL TOUCH 5. ACTS OF SERVICE.
Debbie and I have determined that Joshua’s primary love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. I don’t want to get into the methodology, that is in the book. But we need to learn what our unique love language is. We are all different.
Some people will know that they are loved because a parent spends quality time with them. Others will need words of affirmation, hearing the "I love you’s and I’m proud of you." Still others need to receive gifts to know that they are loved, but giving gifts is the one language where the other languages must be present, otherwise they learn that the gift was given in love. The 4th language is physical touch. We believe that is Zachary’s love language. He loves to be held and hugged and wrestle on the floor. The 5th love language is acts of service. That would be doing things together. Maybe baking something or taking walks together.
This might all sound too scientific for how we raise our kids, but do you know what makes your kid experience happiness? What each of us experienced in our homes leaves that very real impression all our lives.
I read this on the Internet —
If a child lives with criticism,
HE learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
SHE learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
HE learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
SHE learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
HE learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
SHE learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
HE learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
SHE learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
HE learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
SHE learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
HE learns to find love in the world.
Most of us have not heard of Benjamin West. He was just trying to be a good babysitter for his little sister Sally. While his mother was out, Benjamin found some bottles of colored ink and proceeded to paint Sally’s portrait. But by the time Mrs. West returned, there were ink blots all over the table and chairs and there were stains on the floor. Benjamin’s mother surveyed the mess without a word until she saw the picture. Picking it up, she exclaimed, "Why, it’s Sally!" And she bent down and kissed her young son. Then she and Benjamin proceeded to clean the mess, never once did she complain about what he did wrong.
In 1763, when he was 25 years old, Benjamin West was selected as history painter to England’s King George III. He became one of the most celebrated artists of his day. When asked about his start as an artist, he said, "My mother’s kiss made me a painter." Her encouragement did far more than a rebuke ever could have done. Our Daily Bread, March-May, 1996.
Dear friends, we have the opportunity to teach our children about love, the way in which we go about it, will leave a mark that will last and become our legacy. If you haven’t told your child you love them, do it today. If you haven’t told your parent you love them, do it. If you have not told your spouse or significant other, you love them, do it. Don’t wait for tomorrow, do it today, for tomorrow may not come.
We need to hear those words, but not only the words, we need to see the actions behind the words. Stormie Omartian has written books called, The Power of a Praying Parent, The Power of a Praying Wife & The Power of a Praying Husband. In the Power of a Praying Parent she opens the book sounding like Dickens — "It’s the best of jobs. It’s the most difficult of jobs. It can bring you the greatest joy. It can cause the greatest pain. There is nothing as fulfilling and exhilarating. There’s nothing so depleting and exhausting. No area of your life can make you feel more like a success when everything is going well. No area of your life can make you feel more like a failure when things go wrong" (page 13). Do I hear an AMEN!
Parenting is tough work. But when we know our children’s lives are hanging in the balance by what we do and say, it becomes the greatest opportunity to shape a life.
As you leave today, would you think about your style of parenting. Because once you are a parent, you are always a parent. What are your kids learning from you?
