Submit?? Eph. 5:21-6:9
Steve Simala Grant, Nov. 10/11, 2001
Context:
Our journey through Ephesians brings us to a passage that is extremely practical, yet difficult for us to hear today. It is one that I believe has been misinterpreted and misapplied at many points throughout history, and thus has some baggage along with it, and yet it is the Word of God and so we need to seek to understand it and live by it.
Three specific groups are mentioned and discussed – first husbands and wives, secondly children and parents, and finally slaves and masters. None of us are slaves (despite what your employer might sometimes think…), and even if you are not married or a parent, I believe there are important principles for each of us to take and learn from. The passage spends more time talking about marriage than the other two, and I plan to do so also.
Intro:
In the interest of helping us understand each other better, allow me to offer a few ideas before jumping into the passage:
Now I can’t find this in the Bible, but perhaps you’ve heard the story that before Eve was created, God was talking with Adam. He said, “You really need a helper, don’t you?” And Adam answered, “Yeah, I really do.”
So God said, “What if I make a woman? She’ll be perfect for you. She’ll be beautiful. She’ll rub your back at night, & your feet in the morning. She’ll plop grapes into your mouth. She’ll prepare all your favorite meals without fail. She’ll clean up the kitchen & take care of the kids. You’ll never have to do a thing, just sit around & be the king of your household.”
Adam said, “Boy, that sounds great, but how much is this going to cost?” God said, “Well, it’s pretty expensive. It will cost you an arm & a leg.” Adam thought for a moment & then asked, “How much can I get for a rib?”
THE MEN’S THESAURUS (men don’t always say what they mean) – excerpts:
When a man says: "IT’S A GUY THING"
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with this, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"
When a man says "UH HUH, SURE HONEY,” or “YES, DEAR"
He means: Absolutely nothing – It’s a conditioned response.
When a man says ’’IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
He means: "I have no idea how it works"
When a man says "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD’’
He means: "I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner"
When a man says "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
He means: " I can hum every bar of the intro to Star Trek – original and TNG; the address of the first girl I ever kissed & the vehicle identification numbers of every car I ever owned – but I forgot your birthday"
When a man says ’OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL"
He means: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt"
When a man says ’I CAN’T FIND IT.’’
He means: "It didn’t fall into my outstretched hand, so I’m completely clueless"
When a man says "I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.’’
He means: : "No one will ever see us alive again."
Rules to help women understand men
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up … don’t come tell us about it. Put it down.
"Rules of Male-Female Relationships"
1. The Female always makes the Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant Misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the Misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily harm to the Male.
Q: What’s the worst thing a woman can get on her 25th wedding anniversary?
A: Morning sickness.
Great Reasons To Be A Guy
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You can kill your own food.
• Three pairs of shoes are way more than enough.
• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
• Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become life-long friends.
• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
1. The place to start: (vs. 21)
This particular verse is of great importance in understanding the rest of the passage. I believe it functions as an introduction and, more than that, it sets the overarching principle which we need to keep in mind as we try to understand what the rest of the passage means. The principle is stated – “submit to one another,” and the reason given – “out of reverence for Christ.” There is a mutuality here, an equality, a call to each of us to submit to one another because of Christ. It is a call to harmony, to unity, to a synthetic kind of give-and-take in our relationships. Of course we have different roles to play, and some of those roles will be ones like leadership that will exercise more authority and thus be more “submitted” to. But the principle stated is that we need to live not demanding submission or obedience from others, but being willing to lay aside our own wants and needs and agendas in order to submit, which we do because of our love for Christ. While I don’t think this verse “cancels” out the specific commands that follow, and thus means that parents should submit to children or masters to slave, or yes husbands to wives, it is significant in beginning the passage by stating our requirement to submit to one another.
2. Wives and Husbands (vs. 22-33)
I don’t know if it is possible for me to not get into trouble talking about this passage… I know a number of wives are away this weekend at a women’s retreat – I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not! I think they read ahead and planned to be gone for this passage! Even worse, now I’m at the mercy of you husbands to relate what I have to say accurately!
I want to first look at the text to try to get a clear sense of what it says (and what it doesn’t say), and then take a stab at interpreting it.
A. What it Says.
First to wives: (read vss. 22-24). It says “submit.” That it what it says. Technically, the verb “submit” isn’t in this verse, we have to borrow it from vs. 21 – but there is no doubt that it is the correct way to read the text. So next I dug out all my different translations to see if there was a better (ok, softer…) word used in any of those. The CEV says “A wife should put her husband first.” Eugene Peterson paraphrases “Wives, understand and support your husbands,” but then later uses the word “submit” in vs. 24. Valiant attempts! But digging a little deeper, I found a proper definition: “A Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".” So the word, in its original context, means voluntarily giving in, and cooperating.
So Paul’s instruction, then, is that wives should voluntarily give in and cooperate. The reason he gives is problematic for us, because it is hierarchical. He says that wives should “submit” because the husband is the head of the wife just like Christ is the head of the church. We’ll return to this a little later as we try to understand the meaning.
Notice what Paul doesn’t say: he doesn’t use the word “obey,” which he does use for children and slaves. That word is stronger, there isn’t the same idea of it being voluntary. Though it may be a small point, I believe it is significant and demonstrates that Paul recognizes that the marriage relationship is one of equality.
The last verse repeats the same point, but adds the words “in everything.” Don’t shoot the messenger! This doesn’t mean in every little detail or every situation – obviously the wife is not to submit to sinful demands. It does mean in every area of life – it is the idea that we don’t live separate lives as married people, compartmentalizing certain areas that our partner doesn’t know about. We are to be one, as we see in verse 31, and that means being united in all areas.
Second, to husbands. Now, wives, if you are uncomfortable with Paul’s instructions to you, relax: what he calls husbands to is worse. Notice first the difference in length – 3 verses compared to 9; 40 words compared to 115. Notice next the difference in what we are called to in vs. 25 (read). Called to love, just like Christ loved the church. What was the extent of Christ’s love for the church? It was to death. And just to foreshadow the next section when I’m going to talk about interpreting what this means, let me ask you wives who would have a problem with the command to submit if the husband was fully obeying this command to love his wife even to the point of sacrificing his very life?
Much of what Paul says here is talking about Christ and the church, describing the love that Christ has for the church in order to describe how strong and complete and self-sacrificing the love of husband for wife should be. It is not only the standard, it is the reason – we are to love our wives because of the love of Christ.
Verse 31 quotes the passage in Genesis where the institution of marriage is first brought into being. What is fascinating is that the emphasis there is on unity and equality – the two becoming one. And Paul puts that in the middle of a passage which we read as very unfair and unequal – of the husband as head of the wife. I believe what Paul is trying to do is get us back to the pre-fall state of marriage, where complete equality and unity was the reality. It is only after the fall – after sin comes into the world – that this idea of headship comes into play: remember the curse?- part of it was “your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you.” (Gen. 3:16). I believe what Paul is saying to husbands here radically calls us to work for a pre-fall like quality in marriage, where unity and equality and harmony are the things that characterize our relationships.
So the point to husbands is that we are to love our wives even to the point of sacrificing everything including our lives. Wouldn’t you rather just have to submit??
B. What it means:
Now that we have looked at what it says, let’s talk about what it means.
i. What is the problem?
There are two major problems we face trying to interpret this passage. First is history – this passage has been used by men to abuse women. It has been misinterpreted and misapplied to subjugate women and in an inappropriate exercise of power that has been in the best interests of the man instead of the woman – put simply, men have selfishly and greedily demanded submission based on this passage without regard for the woman, and completely ignoring the commands addressed at them.
The second problem is that we equate “headship” with inequality. We interpret the phrase “the husband is head of the wife…” to somehow mean that the husband is more important, more special, somehow more valuable because he is “the head.” This is the problem we have with the hierarchical terminology. But there is no notion of inequality here. In fact, Paul addressing women directly as free moral beings demonstrates this and was radically countercultural for his day – his culture would have expected him to only address the men and tell them how to demand submission from their wives, which Paul never does. Let me extend the analogy a bit and say that if the husband is the “head,” I think the wife is the “heart”: and you can be brain-dead and still technically alive… The point is that both are essential. And remember that the word “submit” means to do so voluntarily, to choose. Expectations are laid out for both partners. The key verse reminds us that “the two become one.” So regardless of how we interpret the rest, let’s be clear that we are not talking about inequality.
If you still are not convinced that the original Greek word we have translated as “submit” does not mean unequal, consider this: the same word is used of Jesus’ relationship to his parents in Luke 2:51, where it is translated “was obedient to them.” Does this mean Jesus was inferior to His parents? It is again in 1 Cor. 15:28 where it says Jesus will “be made subject to” (same word) the Father – does this mean Jesus is inferior or not equal to God the Father? Of course not. And neither does it mean that here, despite what we think of when we hear the word “submit.”
ii. Ways to interpret:
There are of course different ideas of what this passage means, falling into two major groups. The first view basically sees husband and wife as equal but filling different, God-ordained roles, with the role of husband being one of leadership and responsibility, and the role of the wife being one of support and submission. The second view sees both partners as equal with flexibility in terms of roles based on giftedness and emphasizes the unity and mutuality in marriage, and is dependent on the pre-fall description of marriage as the goal to which Christian couples should strive. Both can be substantiated Biblically and can be persuasively argued.
Can you guess which view I prefer? If you guessed the second, you would be correct. Now many people that I highly respect, with a far deeper understanding of the Bible than I, prefer the first view. But for me, the things that are most convincing are vs. 31 and verse 25. I understand “the two shall become one” as the most important factor and command, and so in my marriage this means that we must be united on the decisions we make – and if either one of us is uncomfortable with it we talk about it more. Sometimes it means we come to a different decision, other times it means one of us voluntarily gives in – or “submits” – to the desire of the other. But the point for me is that we must be one. The second key factor for me is vs. 25, the command to love my wife as much as Christ loved the church, even giving self up for her. If I am serious about living this, then I don’t find myself in a situation of “demanding submission” to my will. My goal instead is to love my wife so much that she is free to make choices and to feel supported and accepted and understood. Now of course I don’t always succeed, but that is my goal. Does this mean I am not “the head?” No. The Bible says I am, so I must be. What it means is that as the head I have decided that my wife will be an equal partner and that we will jointly decide things together. In that way, I believe we come to a point of submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.
iii. A couple of questions…
So let me ask a couple of questions. First a question of logic: if husbands were loving wives like Christ loved the church, would submission by wives be an issue? Second a more pointed question to wives: do you “voluntarily give in and cooperate” with your husbands? Finally a pointed question to husbands: do you love your wife like Christ, to the point of complete sacrifice of self – and perhaps more importantly, does your wife feel and know that you love her that much?
Here is what I want you to do: in the next week, sit down with your spouse and talk about it. Your goal is first to hear and understand what your spouse feels and thinks, and to communicate how you feel and think. Pick a time right now – lean over and agree – let me hear a bit of chattering – and sit down and have a conversation about your roles.
I know this is maybe a bit dangerous and threatening for some, which tells me you need to do it!! If you get into trouble, call someone – I’m available, as are lots of other people here – to help you work through it.
3. Children and Parents (6:1-4)
Paul moves on from the relationship between husband and wife to that of parent and child. He begins by addressing children directly – and by the way, since we know that these letters were written to be read out loud in a worship service, this must mean that kids were present in the service.
The command is to children first, to obey (note the stronger word). Paul gives two reasons, the first simply because “this is right,” the second reaching back into the ten commandments and reiterating the promise attached to that specific command. The first reason reminds me of the one I used to hear all the time growing up: when I asked why, the response was often “because I said so!” Sounds vaguely Scriptural doesn’t it?? The second reason comes from the Ten Commandments, which first commands obedience (or “honor”) and then states that the result will be long life – and not just because disobedience may lead your parents to artificially shorten your life… “I brought you into this world…” Seriously, this isn’t a blanket promise, but rather a simple statement that obedience to parents is beneficial because they have greater life experience and can guide you in what is safe and what is best, and that God will bless obedience.
Verse 4 addresses the other half of the parent/child relationship, and though it specifically mentions fathers (for a couple of good reasons, some of which are especially pertinent today in a culture of abdication of parenting responsibilities to the mother,) I believe it applies equally to both parents. It commands us not to “exasperate” or provoke our children to anger – in other words to not be adversarial – but rather to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. I’d love to spend a whole sermon on this verse, reminding us that we as parents are the ones responsible for the Christian nurture of our children. But I’ll save that for another day…
4. Slaves and Masters (vss. 5-9)
The last four verses address slaves and masters. I’m not really going to talk about these verses since this particular set of social relationships no longer exist in our society – we don’t have slaves anymore. There are still some good principles regarding work in general here, but to apply it to our jobs is a bit of a stretch. I like what it says about our attitude of “serving wholeheartedly” and always keeping the perspective that what we do we do for God and not for men. I also like the reminder at the very end of verse 9 that there is no favoritism with God.
Conclusion:
Options…
1. “Driving down a country road, I came to a very narrow bridge. In front of the bridge, a sign was posted: "YIELD." Seeing no oncoming cars, I continued across the bridge and to my destination. On my way back, I came to the same one-lane bridge, now from the other direction. To my surprise, I saw another YIELD sign posted. Curious, I thought, "I’m sure there was one posted on the other side." When I reached the other side of the bridge I looked back. Sure enough, yield signs had been placed at both ends of the bridge. Drivers from both directions were requested to give right of way. It was a reasonable and gracious way of preventing a head-on collision. When the Bible commands Christians to "be subject to one another" (Ephesians 5:21) it is simply a reasonable and gracious command to let the other have the right of way and avoid interpersonal head-on collisions.”
2. The captain of the ship looked into the dark night and saw faint lights in the distance. Immediately he told his signalman to send a message" "Alter your course 10 degrees south." Promptly a return message was received: "Alter your course 10 degrees north."
The captain was angered; his command had been ignored. So he sent a second message: "Alter your course 10 degrees south--I am the captain!" Soon another message was received: "Alter your course 10 degrees north--I am seaman third class Jones." Immediately the captain sent a third message, knowing the fear it would evoke: "Alter your course 10 degrees south--I am a battleship." Then the reply came "Alter your course 10 degrees north--I am a lighthouse."
3. On her golden wedding anniversary, my grandmother revealed the secret of her long and happy marriage. "On my wedding day, I decided to choose ten of my husband’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would overlook," she explained. A guest asked her to name some of the faults. "To tell the truth," she replied, "I never did get around to listing them. But whenever my husband did something that made me hopping mad, I would say to myself, ’Lucky for him that’s one of the ten.’"
