How much time do we spend in conflict? It started back with Cain & Abel. You remember the story – the two first brothers argued because God favored Abel’s sacrifice more than Cain’s. You know how the story ends – with the first murder – and it seems, brothers (and even brothers and sisters) have been at each other’s throats ever since.
I admit that some of my earliest memories are not times spent by a crackling fire on a cold winter’s eve – dad playing the violin and mom reading endearing stories to all of us kids as we nestled close together in perfect harmony.
No some my earliest memories are chasing my older sister around the house when I was three years old – of teasing my younger sister and pulling her braids. Now, don’t get me wrong – I love my sisters – but you know how it goes – it seems like there is always conflict.
Conflict is the cause of so much of the pain that exists or has existed in this world. Conflict usually comes about for two reasons – you have something I want and you won’t give it to me – or you have offended me and I must do something about it. Conflict takes up our energy and keeps us from doing other things. I wonder sometimes how much we could do if we dealt with conflict and moved on to do God’s work.
That is what we’re going to look at today – in a very well known section of Matthew that we’re going to look at in a new way.
15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ’every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
If you have been a Christian for any length of time you are no doubt familiar with this section of the Word. It is so common, in fact, that I hear people say "I need to Matthew 18 them," as if there is some magic formula or regulation contained here. Many of us believe that it is the way to solve interpersonal problems – if someone does you wrong then it’s not up to them to apologize but you to try to make it right. And I think this is at least a good step – instead of dealing with conflict by striking out against the other person, at least we’re trying to do the right Scripturally. But …
I want to correct some misconceptions about Matthew 18. The first thing is that this is for the church – not for the world. Jesus has different standards for when the people in the world around us sin. Our primary responsibility is to use the sin as an opportunity to share the gospel – not correct each fault we see. You can’t make a dirty rag clean by pointing out the dirt – the rag must be washed.
But as it relates to the church – there is an important textual matter to point out: the words "against you" are not in the two earliest manuscripts of Matthew. If you take it out verse 15 reads: "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault."
You see, instead of Jesus being the antidote for personal problems between individuals – this is a guide for helping the church not be weakened by sin by making it all of our responsibility for helping the weaker among us. Now some take this to the extreme and feel it is their personal responsibility to point out every weakness they see in everyone else – but I want to change that misconception too. So let’s walk through this point by point.
Step 1 – The One on One
1. You earn the right to correct
You can’t just blow someone away – you’ve got to establish a relationship of trust so that you can take someone aside and tell them – "you need to watch this area of your life."
2. A quiet correction is better than a public rebuke or worse yet – gossip.
Often when we see someone sinning we react by shunning them or talking about them behind their backs instead of quietly, privately, confronting the problem. This is good for churches because it saves church leaders from having to intervene when hurt feelings get out of hand.
3. You’re not an accuser, but a counselor.
Verse 15 says "to show." This word is more than just providing evidence of something – it suggests showing to the point of conviction. We need to work with people, showing them the Word, walking them through the situation so that they understand. You aren’t a prosecuting attorney presenting evidence and pronouncing guilt – it is our responsibility to do this in a way that the person themselves can see what’s happened.
4. The rewards are great but so are the risks.
We need to be very careful before we take our concerns to another – even one on one. This whole system dovetails nicely with what Paul told the Galatian church – but listen to his words in chapter 6 closely:
Gal 6:1-2 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Sometimes the reason we see things in others is that these same things reside in us. Make sure you have dealt with your own life first (remember the log and the speck?) and are ready to help others without yourself being tempted. A person who has a problem with anger should not be trying to tell another person about their anger problem until they have allowed the Lord to deal with their own problem first.
Step 2 – "I’m not just making this up."
If you are rejected by the person you have approached, alone – it’s time to bring in a few others. It’s not clear whether the others are meant to bring additional evidence or just be there to witness the one on one encounter – so that later one the person who has sinned can’t do a "my word against yours" kind of thing. Jesus uses Deuteronomy 19:15 as his Scriptural basis. And, you know, it’s important. If you aren’t willing to make your assertions when other objective people are listening, then maybe you need to rethink your accusation.
It’s one thing to accuse someone privately – I’ve had it done to me – but when there are others around the accusations can be challenged.
Step 3 – The Big Guns
Sometimes not even this works, though. And in this case Jesus suggests a more formalized rebuke. If the person "blows off" the church, presumably the church leadership, then Jesus says to treat them as a pagan or tax collector.
Here is where churches make another mistake. Churches down through the ages have used this as the justification for excommunication. Untold numbers of people have been shunned or killed because of this – and it is plain wrong – and here’s why.
The verse says "treat him as you would." This "you" here is singular. In other words – if even a formal rebuke from the church leadership is not enough to persuade the brother about his or her sin – it’s not the church that disassociates themselves with the brother but you as an individual. Don’t hang with them anymore – don’t treat them as if nothing is wrong – but it’s not a corporate shunning as if they were dead.
Now there is a place for the church itself to disassociate with a brother – we find it in Paul’s letters to the Corinthians. In that situation someone was actually sleeping with his father’s wife. The problem there was two-fold. One the person was unrepentant – but two the church was proud of their tolerance. So Paul tells them to not let this person think they are still "one of the gang."
But look at the purpose of all of this – so that the person might repent and turn from sin. That’s what happened in Corinth – the man was welcomed back when he saw his sin. This isn’t a punishment to be meted out, but the last step of rebuke.
It’s not saying "Thou a sinner shouldst be cast out among the heathen!" (always with a pointed finger of damnation) but "you know, if you just won’t listen to me or these brothers or the church leaders – I just can’t be around you."
Here’s Paul’s take on it: 1 Corinthians 5:9-11 I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people- 10 not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. 11 But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.
So to sum up this section: Purity is important – but repentance, not punishment is the goal. Conflict and sin shouldn’t be ignored but should also be dealt with privately and personally if possible.
Next Jesus puts a final authority on the church’s ability to make decisions in times of conflict – this too is a misunderstood verse.
18 "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.
The "you" in verse 18 is plural – this doesn’t have to do with binding or loosing evil spirits or even the Holy Spirit. This is church authority Jesus is talking about. Conflicts and problems with unrepentant sin need to be dealt with by the church – hopefully church leaders will exercise godly wisdom – but there is no court of appeals.
A side note on this verse – if you have a problem with a church – you don’t agree with the direction or don’t like the leaders – the Biblical response would be to find another fellowship – not to try to change the one you are in. Paul in 1 Corinthians 1:10 said:
10 I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.
The word "agree" there means: to say the same thing. If we cannot say the same thing – and I’m not saying we agree on absolutely everything – but in general direction and flavor – then staying and fighting would be to cause division. That’s not Jesus’ plan – and too often what causes us to disagree is pretty petty. Listen to the next verse in Matthew:
19 "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Look at the power here. The word "agree" here means to be in accord, to be suitable. More than just "saying the same thing" – you know, getting along – when we as Christians find a common purpose and direction there is a oneness that leads us to be in such accord with the Father that whatever we ask He will do because we ask what He wills.
This is the context in which Jesus says: Where two or more are gathered. This too deals with conflict resolution. The idea is that we need to deal with conflict, work it out, and come to such an understanding that the two who were fighting are now one.
Jesus is building His body – not the superficial commanded agreement of thousands – but the sincere agreement and accord of two or three at a time. This comes by being willing to work through conflict – to work through sin – letting the church intervene where necessary – then giving it to the Lord – letting go of it.
Remember the catch phrase of our day: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle? In terms of conflict we need to do the first and NOT the last two. Reduce conflict by forgiveness, mercy, and relationship – DON’T reuse the conflict or sin as a weapon to get back at someone – and don’t recycle it – never really getting rid of the offense but bringing it back over and over again.
The next story illustrates the principal Jesus is trying to teach:
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"
22 Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Again we’re talking about the church here – "brother" Peter says. This was a common debate among the rabbis of the day. Forgiving three times was thought adequate – but not four. Peter may have said seven in order to appear magnanimous. Jesus went way beyond what Peter thought.
The point isn’t that we should count 490 times and then not forgive – but that we shouldn’t count at all. Our nature needs to be like God’s nature. We hold things over people all of the time – and that’s simply not being like the Lord – and Jesus tells a story to show this:
23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. ’Be patient with me,’ he begged, ’and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ’Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ’Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
32 "Then the master called the servant in. ’You wicked servant,’ he said, ’I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
To understand the story, let’s look at the historical context. The man brought before the king was most likely a court official – powerful in his own right – but subservient to the king. He might have been a tax collector – and the king is essentially calling in the auditor to go over the books.
Great sums of money passing through your hands carries with it great temptation to borrow or even steal just a little bit. Well, as it turns out this man owed the king a lot – 20 million dollars in today’s currency.
The selling of wives and children was common in that day – but would have been a mere drop in the bucket. The fact that the king forgave the debt would have been surprising – improbable – but shows this king’s great mercy. Too bad the story doesn’t end there.
The man goes out and finds another official – maybe a subordinate – who owed him around 20 bucks. That’s still about 100 days wages for a laborer – but the man could have paid it back. His pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears and the man throws him into prison – which was common in those days if you didn’t pay back your debts.
The king finds out about this and cancels his cancellation of the first man’s debt – ordering him to be tortured until he would reveal sources of money to pay back the debt. This was forbidden by Jewish law but common in the pagan cultures of the day.
Jesus ends by saying:
35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
Does this literally mean that God will reverse His forgiveness of us if we don’t forgive others? No. But it does show God’s heart – and His displeasure with us when we refuse to forgive an offense that is infinitely smaller than the ones God has forgiven us.
Conclusion
To sum up, then, let me make a few general statements about conflict resolution.
Conflict should be dealt with, not ignored
Conflict should be dealt with personally whenever possible
The idea of conflict resolution is to see repentance, not punishment
We need to make sure conflicts are real, not just offenses
We should practice great forgiveness – keeping in mind that for which we have been forgiven.
What happens when we let conflict go unresolved? It grows into broken relationships, and broken churches.
What happens when we don’t forgive? We stunt our growth, cause hurt in another brother, and weaken the church.
But just as brothers and sisters should get along – we can, by dealing with conflict properly and in love.
