Watching Our Words
A young man arrived early to pick up his girlfriend for their date. She ran to the door with wet hair and no makeup on her face. She was embarrassed and tried to make the best of the situation and so she smiled and said, “Well, what do you think?” He grinned and very wisely said, “It looks like something beautiful is about to happen!”
Several years later, this couple got married. One day, the man came home to find his wife with her hair up in huge pink curlers. He looked at her and said, “What happened to your hair?” “I set it,” she responded. To which he replied caustically, “When does it go off?”
Both of these situations are funny but only one was kind. Words can devastate or delight. They can energize people or wipe them out. They tear down or build up.
As we established last Sunday, the Book of Proverbs is a guidebook for wisdom. These wise words do not tell us how to make a living, but how to be skillful in the lost art of making a life. How many of you are reading one chapter of Proverbs a day? That’s great. Keep it up. If you want to become a wise guy or a wise woman, then develop the fear of the Lord, devote yourself to the Word of God, determine to get wisdom, decide to ask for it, and dedicate yourself to Jesus.
Our main emphasis last week was on developing the fear of the Lord. When we view God properly we will become wise. In addition, Psalm 34:11-13 tells us that when we’re wowed by God, then we will watch our words: “Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.”
As we continue in our study in Proverbs, we’ll discover that this book has a lot to say about what we say. In fact, Proverbs refers to our tongue, our mouth, or our lips over 150 times in just 31 chapters! Words are very important. Genesis 1 reminds us that the entire universe came into existence simply because “God said.” Jesus Himself is referred to as the “Word of God” in John 1:1.
Our primary text this morning is Proverbs 18:21: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Our words either launch life or they deliver death. Everything you have said this week either assassinated someone or breathed life into the people around you. Let’s look at this verse a little more closely.
Our Words are Powerful
The first thing we see is that the “tongue has the power.” During World War II the government printed some posters that showed a drowning soldier in the ocean, with four words printed at the bottom of the picture: “Loose Lips Sink Ships.” It was very important that when the GI’s were in port, that they not tell anyone where their ship was headed. Because there were spies around, this information would be given to the enemy who would use it to target the American ship for sinking. A soldier who talked too much could literally lose his life and cause the death of hundreds of others.
Words are powerful for at least three reasons.
1. Words are everywhere. According to researchers, on an average day, we open our mouths 700 times, using about 18,000 words! If we speak this much, we’re bound to say something that brings death to someone. And hopefully we’re also using some life-giving words. No wonder Jesus said in Matthew 12:37: “By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”
2. Words penetrate within. Proverbs 12:18: “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Loose lips still sink ships today. Our tongues torpedo relationships and ambush reputations. Like a sword, our speech can lacerate a life in a matter of seconds. The things we say can either bring emotional life to people or emotional death. You’ve experienced both. Proverbs 12:25: “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” Think of a time when someone spoke exactly the right words at the right time. What did they say? How did their words build you up? Now think of a time when someone spoke recklessly. What was said? Some of you remember words that sliced through your spirit decades ago. How did those words affect you?
3. Words spread far and wide. We say a lot of words and they go down deep. They also get spread far and wide. Proverbs 16:27: “A scoundrel plots evil, and his speech is like a scorching fire.” Perhaps you’ve experienced the pain that comes from a rumor that spreads like wild fire. It’s no fun, is it? Words don’t just evaporate once they’re spoken. They’re like burning embers that can engulf an entire forest. After attending Thursday night’s women’s Bible Study, Donna Tuley sent me an email that summarized what she learned. This is what she wrote: “Words have tremendous power for good and evil, don’t they? They take on a life of their own and “hang” out there forever.”
Words are powerful. Let’s look at some of the ways that we use toxic talk today.
Wrong Uses of the Tongue
We’ve all used venomous verbs and noxious nouns. And we’ve been on the receiving end as well. Proverbs lists several examples of how the tongue can be used to hurt, destroy and kill.
1. Gossip. Proverbs 20:19: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Proverbs 18:8 tells us that some people feed on gossip like others enjoy food: “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.” The Living Bible puts it this way: “What dainty morsels rumors are. They are eaten with great relish.”
That means that gossip is usually fun and interesting because it appeals to our desire for information and details. The danger is that when we feed on gossip we’ll always crave more. That reminds me of the person who was gossiping to his friend about someone in the church. When the friend asked a question to get more of the juicy details, his buddy replied, “I’ve already told you more than I know!”
2. Angry words. Some of you have experienced the pain and destruction that can come from being around someone who spews volcanic verbiage. Proverbs 29:22: “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered man commits many sins.”
3. Lying. In Proverbs 6:17, we read that “a lying tongue” is one of the six things that God hates. Proverbs 12:19: “Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.”
4. Flattery. Most of us secretly enjoy flattery, but Proverbs warns us to be on our guard against those who sweet-talk: “Whoever flatters his neighbor is spreading a net for his feet” (29:5). A flatterer is one who pats you on the back today only to locate a soft spot where he can insert a knife tomorrow.
5. Impulsive speech. Proverbs 29:20: “Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” We’ve all experienced the horror of saying something too quickly as we open mouth and insert foot.
Images of Life
Words are powerful. They can be used to bring death and they can also be used to resuscitate a floundering life. Here are some images from Proverbs that reveal how the tongue can be used to build others up. Our speech is compared to…
Refreshing water. Proverbs 10:11: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life.” When we listen to the words of someone who is wise it’s like taking a long drink of fresh spring water on a hot summer day.
Tasty food. Proverbs 16:24: “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Honey was both a luxury and a medicine in ancient Israel. When we talk tenderly with others, our words become priceless and provide healing to broken hearts.
Expensive jewelry. Proverbs 25:11-12: “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.” Like an expert jeweler, our words should be balanced just right, beautiful in their appearance, and as valuable as gold and silver.
Taming Your Tongue
Our speech can be used to accomplish a lot of good things when it brings beauty and value to people, and when it is refreshing and healing. Unfortunately, we don’t always use our words correctly. Many of us have been hung by our tongue on more than one occasion. As I’ve read through the Book of Proverbs, I made a list that I’m calling the “Top Ten Tongue-Taming Tools.” We could also call it “How to Avoid Slipping with Your Speech” or “How To Stop Trespassing With Your Tongue.” Proverbs 21:23 challenges us to be careful about our conversations: “He who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself from calamity.”
1. Think more. Most of my mouth mistakes are made because I simply don’t engage my mind first. I’ve experienced the truth of 12:18 first-hand: “Reckless words pierce like a sword.” When I say something that is unkind to Beth it’s usually because I’ve not spent any time thinking about what I should say. Instead, I just let things fly out of my mouth. Proverbs 15:28, in the NASB, challenges us to think before we answer: “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.” We need to ponder before we pour.
When we think more, we’ll be better able to avoid messing up with our mouths. In a very helpful article called, “The Tyranny of the Urgent” by Charles Hummel, it’s often best to tell someone that you can’t give an answer to a request until you think and pray about it. That takes the pressure off and helps us think through our other commitments and responsibilities. Sometimes its best to not even answer someone when they are pressuring you to respond. 26:4: “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.”
Before you answer, hit the pause button. It might be helpful to get in the habit of taking a deep breath so that you can reflect before you respond.
2. Talk less. Kurt Warner, who is the quarterback for the St. Luis Rams, and the league MVP for the second time in three years, has not been able to talk this entire week. After getting hit in the throat during last Sunday’s game, his doctor told him to be quiet. In a press conference this week, he used a white board to answer questions from reporters.
Our chances of blowing it with our words are directly related to the amount of time we spend with our mouth open. The Quakers have a saying filled with a lot of truth: “Never break the silence unless you can improve on it.” Abraham Lincoln was fond of saying, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” Proverbs 10:19 puts it this way: “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.” The more we talk the more we trespass; the less we talk, the wiser we are. One of my favorite proverbs is 17:28: “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.”
Ecclesiastes 3:7 says that there’s a time to be silent and a time to speak. Proverbs 13:3 links our lips to our life in a very unsettling way: “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.” William Norris once wrote:
If your lips would keep from slips, five things observe with care.
To whom you speak, of whom you speak, and how, and when, and where.
Recognizing that most of us could stand to talk less, and those around us would probably agree, let me give you 7 situations in which you should hold your tongue.
When you’re tempted to say, “I told you so.”
When you have information that makes someone look bad.
When someone is upset about a problem and you’ve had a similar experience, don’t shift the focus of the conversation to yourself or share horror stories.
When you’re tempted to judge or criticize someone.
When you want to correct someone on a minor point as they tell a story.
When someone has not asked for your opinion.
When you want to tell something about yourself in order to impress someone.
If you struggle with talking too much, like I do, let me encourage you to build some “wordless moments” into your day. That leads to the next tongue-taming suggestion.
3. Listen better. Someone has said that the reason we’ve been given two ears and one mouth is so that we would listen twice as much as we talk. There are many things we need to hear and apply to our lives but unfortunately we don’t always want to listen. Proverbs 15:31: “He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.” 19:20: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” It’s tough to hear someone tell us something we don’t want to hear, but it’s really the only way to become wise. Have you been blowing off some advice recently? As hard as it is, take the time to listen to what God is trying to tell you through the individuals who care about you.
One of my problems is that I’m often not fully engaged when I’m talking with someone. Instead, I’m often formulating my answer even while the person is pouring out their heart. Proverbs 18:13: “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and shame.”
One of my personal goals last year was to meet someone new every day. One of my goals this year is to be fully present with everyone I’m with without trying to talk before the person is done speaking, and without ending the conversation before God wants it to end.
A wise old owl lived in an oak,
The more he heard, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard,
Why can’t we all be like the wise old bird?
If you struggle like I do with this one, ask God to help you lock into the person’s eyes while they talk, practice active listening and try to summarize what they are saying before formulating your response.
4. Encourage others. Do you realize that there are people all around you who are discouraged? God can use your words to breathe life into a person who is piled by life’s problems. 15:4: “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life.”
How many of your words this last week were words of encouragement? How many sentences were devoted to helping lift anxious hearts? If you were paid 10 cents for every kind word you said and had to give away 5 cents for every critical comment, would you be rich or poor today?
Someone has said that it “takes no size to criticize.” I would add that it takes a big person to encourage. One way you can tell if you are an encourager or a discourager is to honestly ask yourself if people like being around you. Are you the kind of person that other people are glad to see coming into the room, or do people turn their face away when they see you? Let me challenge you to work at inserting at least one encouraging word into every conversation you have this week.
5. Speak gently. One reason you may have a difficult time encouraging is because you’re not known as one who speaks gently with others. One of the best ways to evaporate anger from your conversations is to work at being calm. Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” The next time you’re talking to someone who is really torqued, instead of responding in turn, give a gentle answer.
Work this week at getting your points across without raising your voice. You’ll be much more effective according to Proverbs 25:15: “Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” Harness the power of a gentle word. As someone has said, “Keep your words soft and sweet; you never know when you may have to eat them.”
6. Cut others slack. Most of us are way too tough on others. We expect perfection from them while excusing our own behavior. We grow our grudges instead of giving grace. If you want to tame your tongue and give life to others, then practice the principle found in 12:16: “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”
Some of us get bent out of shape at people who sin differently than we do. I’m convinced that if each of us would just learn to overlook some things, we would be both happier and healthier as a church. Now, I’m not suggesting that you overlook a sin. Scripture tells us that if someone has sinned against us, then we have the responsibility to go and talk to that person. And if we have sinned against someone else, we need to go and work it out (See Matthew 5:23-24 and Matthew 18:15-20).
When we first got married, I made the mistake of making too many things moral issues with Beth. I’ve since come to realize (it’s taken me awhile), that most things in relationships are not a matter of right or wrong, but just differences of preference or opinion. Over 15 years ago, we went to a Family Life Conference (I highly recommend the one coming up in Peoria at the end of February).
We learned a lot of real helpful things, but one maxim really stuck with us. In fact, we still say this phrase today: “Not wrong, just different.”
Let me suggest that you begin practicing this phrase as well in all your relationships. It will help you cut others some slack and in the process provide you with greater relational harmony. In addition, if you’re nursing a grudge against someone in the church, in your family, or in your workplace, let it go. Proverbs 19:11: “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” 17:9: “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
7. Avoid gossip. Someone has said, “A gossip is just a fool with a keen sense of rumor.” Proverbs 11:13: “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.” 16:28: “A gossip separates close friends.” I need to know that my name is safe when I’m out of the room if you’re in the room, and you need to know that your name is safe with me.
Remember this rule about gossip: “The more interesting it is, the more likely it is to be false.” One of the best ways to avoid gossip is to simply refuse to listen to it. 17:4: “A wicked man listens to evil lips; a liar pays attention to a malicious tongue.” When someone is sharing something juicy with you, tell him or her that you don’t want to hear it. If they have an issue with someone, they need to go and talk to that person, not talk to you about that person. Another thing you can do is to reroute the conversation by sharing something positive about the person being raked over the coals. When you hear someone speaking against someone, then speak for that person.
8. Tell the truth. It’s important that we’re known as people who are truth tellers, no matter the situation or cost involved. Proverbs 12:17: “A truthful witness gives honest testimony but a false witness tells lies.” People value those who speak truth, even when it hurts. Proverbs 16:13: “Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth.”
Sometimes God calls us to speak truth into others. In Proverbs, this is known as a rebuke or correction. 17:10: “A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than a hundred lashes a fool.” You’re blessed if you have someone in your life that has the courage to tell you the truth. Friend, don’t hold back on truth telling if you sense God telling you to speak, but remember to do it gently and with the goal of encouraging the individual. Is there someone that God is prompting you to speak truth to? Ask Him for the courage to enter a “tunnel of chaos” this week.
Proverbs also mentions the importance of telling the truth to those who need to know about the way of salvation. Proverbs 10:21 says, “The lips of the wise nourish many.” That means that you can use your lips to help bring spiritual nourishment to people by pointing them to a relationship with Jesus. Proverbs 11:30: “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise.”
9. Stop boasting. It’s not very attractive to hear someone boast and brag, is it? Proverbs 25:27: “It is not good to eat too much honey, nor is it honorable to seek one’s own honor.” Honey is good but it’s pretty tough to sit down and chug a quart of it. The word translated “brag” in James 4:16 literally means, “a wandering quack.” When you sing your own praise, you always sing out of tune. If you feel the need to honk your own horn, then you may have a problem with boasting. Instead of seeking your own name in lights, focus on God’s honor and He will take care of you. When you feel yourself starting to talk about what you’ve done, look for ways to quickly give credit to others.
10. Don’t quarrel. Proverbs 17:14: “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” We would have a lot more peace in families and in the church if we would just refuse to quarrel with others. Instead of engaging in disagreements that can turn into a tidal wave of conflict, let’s work at dropping the matter before disputes break out. I’m convinced that much of what we fight about is not really all that important anyway. God values community more than he does conflict. Don’t be the one to start or continue a quarrel. 20:3: “It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.”
The next time it seems that someone wants to quarrel with you, look for something to agree with him or her about and politely excuse yourself from the conversation.
Conclusion
Why is it so hard to say kind things with our tongues? It’s because our tongues are inextricably linked to our hearts. Jesus gives us some insight in Matthew 12:34 and 15:19: “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks...for out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, lies and slander.” Our words are but the public pronouncement of the private place of the heart. What comes out of our mouths reveals what is in our hearts. Another way to say it is that our words reflect our true character.
Let me conclude with four action steps.
1. Make things right with others. There’s a small island in Indonesia called Sumba with a section called the “Tan Jung Undu,” which in English means, “The Land of the Undo People.” I have decided that this is where I’d like to live. The people of this region have been gifted with a genetic “Undo” function that allows them to quickly take back the last thing they have said without anyone knowing that it was ever said. A husband speaks harshly to his wife; no harm done, just use the Undo function. Two people gossip about someone in the church; no problem, just hit “Undo.” A word is spoken in anger between two lifelong friends but the relationship never ruptures because the Undo function saves the day.
While God did not create an Undo function for the things we say, he did create something called repentance and restoration. And perhaps more than any other function, it is the ability to ask for and receive forgiveness from others that holds the Body of Christ together. Unfortunately, it’s a function we don’t use near enough.
Do you need to repent and go to someone today and ask forgiveness for something you’ve said? Or, do you need to grant forgiveness to someone for something that was said to you? Take care of this today and then keep short accounts with people on a daily basis. When you mess up with your mouth, repent and make things right. When you’ve been lacerated by a cutting comment, restore the person by granting them forgiveness.
2. Yield your tongue to God. Have you ever said, “Lord, my tongue now belongs to you?” That’s where Romans 6:13 comes in, which challenges us to “not offer the parts of our body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer ourselves to God…” God wants us to say something like this: “Lord, I’ve been using my tongue for myself but I now want to start using it for you. Here are my lips, let me speak for you. Here is my mouth, let my mouth speak the words that you want.”
Proverbs 16:1 says, “To a man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue.” Your comments can be put under the Lord’s control. He can give you lips of life. He can give you a tender tongue. He can put words of wisdom in your mouth. He can sanctify your speech. All you need to do is surrender your tongue to Him.
3. Ask for a new heart. If we want to stop using death words, and begin speaking words of life, we not only need to make things right with others and yield our tongue to God, we may in fact, need a different heart. The good news is that Jesus specializes in heart transplants.
Only God can give us the power we need to build others up instead of tearing them down. If you want to be a dispenser of life words instead of death words, you need to be rightly related to God. That’s something we do through our words. Romans 10:9-10: “If you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.”
4. Feast on the Word of God. The last part of Proverbs 18:21 says that we will eat the fruit of our words. One of the best ways to change your heart and to make sure your speech is nutritious is to digest the Word of God on a daily basis. When God wanted to use the words of the prophet Ezekiel, he was given specific instructions in Ezekiel 3:2: “Eat this scroll that I am giving you and fill your stomach with it.” Ezekiel did what he was told and after feasting on the Word of God said, “It tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth.” Psalm 119:11: “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” When God’s Words are in our heart, we will be kept from sin.
It’s not only impossible to be wise without the Word of God; our speech will only be changed through the Scriptures. That’s why we support ministries like Gideon’s International. I’m going to ask Fred McCain to come up right now and tell us more about this strategic ministry.
