A few years ago, some people were saying, “The difference between gender is more cultural that real.” Anyone believe that?
Genesis tells us that the Creator made two sexes, not one, and that He designed each gender for a specific purpose. Take a good look at male and female anatomy and it becomes obvious that we were crafted to "fit" together. We are to complement one another, not compete!
A few weeks ago, we took a family life survey. Almost 14 % said there had been at least one time of pushing, grabbing, hitting, or slapping in your marriage in the last year. I wept. 14% are in the red zone with two or more key measurements in dangerous or unhealthy ranges. 35% in the yellow zone with one or more key measurements in dangerous or unhealthy ranges. Only 49 % of you are satisfied with your marriage.
I’ve been doing weddings for 16 years. It’s a rare wedding if I have two sets of parents who are still married to the spouse they started out with. Seating parents is a real issue in most every wedding today. Is that really what God intended for marriage? When my boys get married, I want to be sitting there by Maryanne.
Meeting your spouse’s needs:
A plea to couples for radical marriage
Text: Selected
Series: A home that runs
To have a counter-cultural marriage, I need…
1. … a radical commitment to serve.
I’ve it said that to have a great marriage each person needs to give 50% and expect 50% in return. I haven’t seen it work well that way. It’s probably unrealistic to expect that people can give 100% and expect 0% in return. But maybe a helpful way for us to live in our homes is to give 90% and expect 10%. That’s a servant approach to a relationship.
You see, the Christian life is a radically different kind of life. We are to obey Jesus to be like Jesus – to be “Jesus with skin on” as we sometimes say around here.
What did He say? How does He want us to live?
Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
Mark 10:43-45
The old chorus said, “If you want to be great in God’s kingdom, learn to be the servant of all.” If you want to be great in your job, be a servant. If you want to be a great athlete, be a servant to your team and coach. If you want to be a great kid, be a servant. If you want to be a great husband or wife, be a servant.
This is what makes us like Jesus. Serve!
To have a counter-cultural marriage, I need a radical commitment to serve.
2. … a radical fulfillment of love.
Love is more then a feeling. It is a sacrificial meeting of the needs of another. We misunderstand the concept of commitment. It’s not a simple matter of you saying to your spouse, “I commit myself to you” but rather, “By God’s grace, I seek to take care of you and to meet your needs.”
Love shows up when we work in faith to meet our spouse’s needs.
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love.
Galatians 5:6
How is faith working through love in your marriage? Are you meeting each other’s needs?
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. says men and women almost universally primary needs that must be met to assure a prospering marriage. This morning, I’d like us to focus on three issues for man and three for women. Ladies first!
Her needs:
1. Kindness and gentleness
Would your wife say that you are a gentle man – a gentleman? One verse my wife likes to quote at home to the three males in our family is…
What is desirable in a man is his kindness…
Proverbs 19:22
Gentleness and kindness are marks of being filled with the Holy Spirit.
The fruit of the Spirit is… kindness… gentleness…
Galatians 5:22-23
Think back to your interaction with your wife this past week. Was it gentle? And kind?
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
Micah 6:8
2. Conversation and affection
A one-word way to say this is: romance! This is non-sexual stuff, men! Someone said, “Men use romance to get sex and women use sex to get romance.” Wives really need romance: conversation and affection.
You husbands… live with your wives in an understanding way…
I Peter 3:7a
How can you live with your wife is an understanding way if you don’t have conversations? One of our members told me that we husbands need to know what makes our wives tick and what ticks her off!
In the Song of Songs, we read these words of conversation from a man to his lover:
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than all kinds of spices!
This guy knows how to talk to a woman. You say, “I’m not going to say that kind of corny stuff to my wife.” Just wait and see if this doesn’t pay off for this man!
Remember: Women are crock-pots and men are microwaves. Men can have sex now. But a woman heats up slowly during the day. One book about the sexual relationship is called Sex Begins in the Kitchen. Guys, when you don’t take the trash out in the morning and she has to drag that stuff to the street, don’t be coming home expecting a romantic rendevous in the evening.
Men, keep your flowers fresh! Romance your wife! Spend a couple of bucks on a little potted plant at the grocery store once in a while. Leave the kids at home with a sitter and take your wife for a hand-holding walk in the Metroparks. Write her a little love note and leave it on the dashboard of her car. Be spontaneous. Be sensitive.
One of the things I’ve been doing lately is going to cosmetic counters at the mall – buying the big ticket item and getting a lot of free little gifts. I give them one at a time to Maryanne with a little note and card. I don’t even know what some of these little cosmetic items are for. But it communicates love and affection.
Found our what works for you, men!
3. Loving leadership
This doesn’t, of course, mean that the man of the house is a tyrant. But neither does it mean that he is a marshmellow. Men often make one of two mistakes: we’re either too passive or too aggressive. Listen to scripture:
The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her…
Ephesians 5:23, 25
The Bible calls husbands to be the head of the family. How? By sacrificial, serving love. Like Christ, you give up your rights and privileges to serve. Women will follow this kind of leadership. All of us want to be well-led.
What woman wouldn’t respond to this kind of leadership, “Honey, “I’ve been thinking a bout you all day. Let’s go get some flowers to plant – or let’s go out to Cooker.” Women love it when their men have and idea! Lead, men!
How well are you doing, men? On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself in these three areas?
His needs:
1. Respect and admiration
Guys are insecure. Inside all of us is a little boy who didn’t get the hit when the game was on the live. We missed the free throw to win the game. We dropped the ball and missed the tackle. Now we wonder, “Can I make it in this world?” We get disrespect in the world. We need respect and admiration from our wives. We wonder, “Can I make it?” The wife says, “Yes you can!”
The wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:33b
Suppose a husband senses a need for admiration and cannot get that from his wife. Admiration is a real key; it’s a big deal for men. If he happens to find someone who will give him that admiration, that vacuum will be filled. And it’s interesting how quickly men get involved sexually with a woman who meets a basic need, even if their other needs--including sexual--are already being met by their wives.
I had a friend yesterday whe quoted a Proverb to me: “It’s better to live in the corner of a rooftop than in a house with a contentious (a nagging) woman.” Ladies, stop the criticism, the cuts, the put-downs.
2. Sexual fulfillment
This is a big deal to guys.
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
I Corinthians 7:3-5
Now, guys, you can’t use these verses as leverage. When you’re in the mood and she’s not, don’t you dare say, “Well, honey let’s read the Bible together tonight. Well, I’ll be… It fell right open to I Corinthians 7. Right here it says…” Don’t you dare. You let the Holy Spirit apply that passage to your wife’s life. Sometimes she’s going to say, “I’m just not feeling like it tonight.” That is quite all right. Just go right to bed. You can chew on the sheets if you want to.
But, ladies, if a man’s heart is beating fast because of you and if he’s trying to do the romance thing, if he’s been faithful to you and your sexual relationship is a holy thing, then you’ve got to ask God for the grace to be responsive. The “not tonights” ought to decrease. You can’t wear that old flannel thing that you inherited from your grandmother every night. Sometimes, you’ve got to slip into something a little more provocative. That will wake him up! It’s a rare man who will say, “Not tonight.”
3. Proactive help
This is not a passive go along to get along attitude.
Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18
Ladies are you a help or a hindrance? You need to be asking yourself, “How can I help this man?”
How well are you doing, ladies? On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself in these three areas?
* * *
Each time you do something that pleases your spouse, especially in meeting one of the basic needs, you gain a deposit in your name. Over time, you can build a sizeable account. We do build up the account during dating.
But once we’re married, we stop meeting the basic needs and become annoying, irritating and critical. This is when the actions debit your account. And some of you, today, are in the hole. That’s why it is so common to find people who are married to spouse they dislike. And when you have an intense dislike for someone, even if that person does something you normally would like, you still don’t like it!
Some of you are going to try to some things to meet your spouse’s needs this week and you’re not going to get the responses you’d like to get. Well, keep on doing the right thing. It may pay off eventually.
If you owed me $1,000 and dropped by one day to give me a $1.50, how do you think I’d respond? It would probably irritate me. “Don’t stop until you have a $100!” But if you kept on coming back over and over day after day with $5 or $10 or $2 and I saw you really meant business about paying off the debt, then my heart would eventually soften toward you.
Keep meeting the needs. Put yourself in a positive cash situation with each other! This is the way to have a radical fulfillment of love.
To have a counter-cultural marriage, I need a radical fulfillment of love.
3. … a radical dependence on Christ.
You cannot do this on your own. You need God! I’ve been thinking a loit recently about Galatians 2:20.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20
I’ve been using this in my devotions. I put my arms out like I’m on a cross: I am crucified with Christ – the old me who can’t be a good husband, dad, leader, speaker is dead. Then, I lift my hands to God: “Now, I live by faith in Jesus – I have a new life. I can be a good husband through Christ who strengthens me.”
Some of us are in a downward cycle right now. “She won’t meet my sexual needs so I won’t meet her need for conversation and affection.” “He won’t meet my needs for gentleness and kindness so I won’t meet his need for respect and admiration.” “She won’t meet my need for a proactive helper so I won’t meet her need for a loving leader.” You are in a downward spiral. Your relationship is going down the tubes.
Think with me. Someone needs to step out in faith in Christ to do the right thing. I will meet her need for loving leadership and she responds to me with proactive help. I will meet her need for conversation and affection and she responds to me with sexual fulfillment. I will meet her need for kindness and gentleness and she responds to me with respect and admiration.
In faith and dependence on Christ, step out and do you part even if the other person doesn’t. They may respond. But even if they don’t, you know that you have done the right thing and it will pay off in the life to come.
To have a counter-cultural marriage, I need a radical dependence on Christ.
* * *
The result? You find life!
We say “finders, keepers; loser weepers. But that’s not the way it works in the Christina life. It’s keepers, weepers; losers, finders.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it
Matthew 16:24-25
How do you keep love alive? It’s not by having a great body. It’s not through drastic surgeries to keep you looking young. It’s not by having a thick head of hair. You keep love alive by winesomeness and sweetness and holiness. That’s the art of romance. God does not want any marriage to disintegrate because of laziness. That is as unbiblical and carnal as immorality and adultery.
Here’s what I want every married person in this room to do today: Sit down with your spouse this afternoon and I take her hand. Then ask, “Do you ever feel deprived of the having your needs met like we learned about today?” Then follow that up with, “What can I do to keep the love alive between us? If I only made one change, which do you think would make the biggest difference for us?” The apologize. Pray together.
You say, “Rick, I just can’t do this stuff. In fact, I just don’t want to do this stuff. There’s too much hurt. There are too many bad memories. I haven’t been that kind of person and it will be just pretend for me if I do it now.”
You better go to Jesus for a changed heart! It is not marriage that fails, it is people that fail. All that marriage does is to show people up.
In a few years, we are going to take that family life survey again. I’m praying that the percentage of the people with physical aggression in the home will be way down and that the percentage of the people who are satisfied with their marriage way up.
It’s only going to happen if we quit trying to have our needs met and start trusting God to work through us to meet our spouse’s needs. Will you do it?
