This morning, we continue our new series, Restoring Hope for Marriage. There was a time when I thought real Christians didn’t divorce. Then I found that one out of two Christian marriages end in divorce, the same statistic as non-Christians. Not only that, I began to counsel Christian couples on the verge of divorce. And not too long ago, a friend of mine became divorced.
The statistic, counseling and friend’s experience have helped me to understand that Christians are not immune to adultery, divorce and bad relational choices. God said in Hosea 4:6, “[My] people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Some are acting from a lack of knowledge, while others are victims of such actions.
Knowledge is important. What we don’t know can hurt us. And what we don’t know in the areas that make the marriage covenant work has hurt Christians and non-Christians alike.
Today, we’ll be looking at one of the least understood components for a successful marriage: True love. Many people claim to marry for love. But almost none entering marriage know what true love is, and only a small percentage mature in their understanding and practice of love over the years.
When a group of children were asked, “Why do people fall in love?” One 8-year old answered, “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” Little boy, the pain from the arrow is only the beginning.
A 7-year old responded to the same question, “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything, and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet (From The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee).”
Charlie Shedd, famous for his books, Letters to Philip and Letters to Karen, noted, “Love could, often does, and definitely should, grow.” Has your definition of love matured in the years you’ve been married? Do you love your mate more now or when you first married? I pray God will empower you to love your spouse more and more maturely.
Our text is 1 Corinthians 13:1-13.
Paul wrote this letter to the Church in Corinth. Corinth was called “the bridge of the sea,” could be compared to Hong Kong, connecting trade between many countries. On top of being prosperous, this ancient city was populated with temples to many gods, including Aphrodite, whose temple had more than 1,000 female prostitutes. To call someone a Corinthian is to point to his or her sexual immorality.
To Christians in this setting come Paul’s letter and this morning’s passage on true love. If this true love can prevail in Corinth, this true love can triumph in any marriage. Let’s look together at what true love is like.
First, true love gives without expecting in return. Verses 1-3
Paul points to various God-given gifts the Corinthian Church values highly: The gift of tongues, the gift of prophecy and revelation, the gift of faith and the gift of material possessions. Yet, Paul values the gift of love above all other gifts from God.
John 3:16 tells us of this love from God, “For God so loved the world that he gave [Jesus Christ], that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” True love gives. The New Testament uses the Greek word, “agape,” to describe God’s love, a love that gives without expecting in return. Other kinds of love exchange or take. They are self-seeking love.
Let me give you a verse, and then a principle. The verse is 1 John 4:19, “We love because [God] first loved us.” And the principle is “Love must first be received before it can be given, and you can only give to the degree you have received.”
For instance, when children experience unconditional love from parents, the children have a reservoir of love to give to others. But only parents who have received unconditional love from God, from each other or from their parents, can have a reservoir of love to give to their children and to each other. Those whose love banks are depleted will not be able to give true love to others. They may give others love that makes demands in return.
You might have made these or experienced these demands. They are not always spoken demands, but if they were verbalized, this is the way they would sound, “I love you if you get good grades. I love you if you clean the house. I love you if you make me feel intelligent, special, wanted or sexually satisfied. This kind of love does not give but exchange or take. And this kind of love comes from a person with a depleted love bank.
Further problem arises when people with depleted love banks try to fill their love banks with drug, alcohol, sex outside of marriage, risky behavior, codependent relationship or anything else that temporarily fills the painful emptiness of a depleted love bank. In the long run, control of others or loss of self-control add to the problem of an already depleted love bank.
What kind of love are you giving to your spouse and children? The answer to that question depends on what kind of love you have in your love bank. You cannot give what you do not have. Only a person who is filled with the unconditional love of God can give love without expecting in return.
If you want to love your spouse when you don’t have any more feelings for him or for her, when you want to give up, when you want to have an affair to fill your depleted love bank, go to God to receive His unconditional love. Romans 5:8 tells us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” On cross, God demonstrated unconditional love for mankind, for you and for me.
Steve Brown tells about a husband who divorced his wife for a younger girl. The wife became bitter and vowed that if she ever remarry, she would marry the ugliest guy, so that no one else would take him away. Two years later, she did exactly that. He was the most unlovable sight she ever laid eyes on. And the funny thing is that he would often sit around and simply smile, because he can’t believe that she would marry him.
We need to sometimes just sit around and ponder how selfish, manipulative and critical we are, and how self-giving, righteous and loving God is. When we do this, we would break out in a smile also, amazed that God would want us. When we do this, we make deposits into our “love bank” so that we can have love to give to our spouse.
Second, true love acts to bring out the best in others. Verses 4-7
Paul doesn’t describe true love as feelings. He describes true love as actions, actions that bring out the best in others and not actions that bring out the worse in others. People who have a mature understanding of love know that not having loving feelings for their spouse is not a legitimate reason for divorce. True love acts to bring out the best in the other regardless of how we feel. Feelings are important, but not most important. Feelings may tell us whether we are being loved, not whether we can love others.
Paul says love is patient and kind. Being patient with your spouse says, “I believe you can change.” Being kind to your spouse has the best chance of bringing kindness out of him or her. Paul continues to define love as living in the truth. Infatuation is blind. True love is not blind, but sees and acts according to the truth of God’s Word, the Bible.
Rather than illustrating each action that Paul encourages and those actions that Paul discourages in order to practice true love, let me suggest that you use this list to evaluate whether you or the person you are dating practices true love. You can do this by substituting the word, “love,” with your name or the name of the person you are dating.
(Dana is patient? Dana is kind? Dana does not envy? Dana does not boast? Dana is not proud? Dana is not rude? Dana is not self-seeking? Dana is not easily angered? Dana keeps no record of wrongs? Dana does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth? Dana always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres?)
In his book Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis wrote, “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this, we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him. If you injure someone you dislike, you will find yourself disliking him more. If you do him a good turn, you will find yourself disliking him less.”
Sometimes Susan and I are exhausted and empty of feelings for one another. I’ve found that when we actively value each other rather than devalue each other with our words and actions, the feeling of love returns for both of us. This is true for healthy marriages as well as problem marriages. You can choose to act in a loving way without feeling “in love,” and watch God soften your heart and your spouse’s heart to regain feelings for one another.
Third, true love outlasts everything else. Verses 8-13
Paul reminds us that all the other gifts from God will be unnecessary someday, but true love is eternally necessary and needing to mature. We will not stop loving each other when we get to Heaven. And marriage is one of the best schools where true love is learned, matured and given.
Sam Levenson wrote, “It is natural to love them that love us, but it is supernatural to love them that hate us. Love at first sight is easy to understand. It’s when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle.”
True love is supernatural, because God is the One who gives true love to us. And we in turn can give true love to others, including our spouse. Someone has said, “A song is not a song until you sing it. A bell is not a bell until you ring it. And love is not love, until you give it away.” But you can only give what you have received. And if you want to give true love, you must first receive it from God through Jesus Christ.
When Maxey Jarman faced a financial reverse in his life, he was asked, “Maxey, do you ever regret having given millions of dollars to support the work of Christ?”
To which Maxey Jarman replied, “No. The only money I didn’t lose is the money I gave away.”
We can apply that money insight to love. Should we experience a relational reverse in life, we need not regret having given our love away, because the love we gave away has a current impact and an eternal impact on others, including our spouse. We can fail to love, but love never fails. Love is eternal.
