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DEALING WITH DIFICULT PEOPLE PART 1
From the time we were babies, we all have found ways in which to "get our way". Some are legitimate means of obtaining your objectives ... others are means whereby we manipulate people. These means of manipulation are usually an irritant to those who experience them ... and we can become an irritating person! We are all called to overcome these irritating habits of ours! We are to be less and less like our forefathers in the flesh, and more and more like Jesus! The Bible holds up a high calling for us to follow ....
Eph 4:14-16 .... we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, 15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head--Christ-- 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. NKJV
Speaking the truth in love is the most mature way to communicate with one another. That may at times require us to confront things with which we disagree ... but we are to be fair and loving as we do it! THERE IS NO ROOM FOR ANGER which produces harshness nor explosions! You cannot win your brother or sister by being irritable towards the person who irritates you!
The reason you cannot deal with them in anger is because most people who are difficult are already angry! Your anger will put you into their arena! They aren’t necessarily angry with you ... they may be angry at their place in life ... angry at God ... angry at something which happened years and year gone by ... but they are angry! And they seem to be willing to take it out on anyone who gets in their path! The first one we will look at is ......
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The Sherman Tank
Gen 4:19 Then Lamech took for himself two wives: the name of one was Adah, and the name of the second was Zillah. (A brief description of their children.) 23 Then Lamech said to his wives:
"Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; Wives of Lamech, listen to my speech! For I have killed a man for wounding me, Even a young man for hurting me. 24 If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, Then Lamech seventy-sevenfold." NKJV
There is no background on Lamech, but he apparently had a chip on his shoulder. A Sherman Tank personality attempts to get his or her way by being intimidating and openly aggressive. They are usually bold and blunt and they are always ready to make you pay dearly for getting into their line of fire! Lamech didn’t just hurt someone for hurting him ... he killed him! Was the offense an accident? We don’t know ... but Lamech’s response was deadly! His idea of life is to "pay-back" and he will strike back seventy-seven times to your one offense! He is angry!
Yes, we Christians may still have characteristics like these ... and they need to be brought to the cross of Jesus Christ. Letting God heal the hurt which caused the anger, and then "painting" a new picture of how to respond in life may take some time ... but the reward of being close to God and having loving, trusting relationships is worth the effort!
But we all need to know how to respond to the person who hasn’t stopped being a Sherman Tank! What do we do until he runs out of fuel? First of all ... don’t wilt when they blast you! Listen to them in a friendly manner and let them have their say. When they are through ... respond with something like, "That is interesting, I have a different point of view than what you have just said, but I’m
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willing to hear more about the way you see it." And then be ready to listen!
When he has finished presenting his opinion, simply respond by saying, "Well, in my opinion .... and tell him firmly and without anger how you feel. If he interrupts you, simply say, "I’m sorry, but you interrupted me." And continue with your statement. Will that change him? Probably not, but he will know that you are willing to listen ... and he will know where you stand. He will also know that he was not able to run over you, make you wilt in fear, and become intimidated by his method of manipulation. Winning his respect by be the first step in seeing God heal his heart!
The next angry person is The Sniper.
2 Sam 6:20 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!" 21 So David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me instead of your father and all his house, to appoint me ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel. Therefore I will play music before the LORD. 22 And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight. But as for the maidservants of whom you have spoken, by them I will be held in honor." 23 Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death. NKJV
We know the history of Michal and David ... and Michal was angry! She was David’s first wife, but her father, King Saul, was jealous of David’s popularity; her father ran David off, and gave her to another man as his wife! When David replaced King Saul as king, he took her away from her husband, who followed them down the road crying and pleading with David to not take her ... until David threatened his
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life. I would say they did not have a good marriage. Michal was angry!
The Sniper won’t attempt to run over you like the Sherman Tank ... they just keep taking "pop shots" at you. Sometimes it sounds like they are trying to make a joke ... but the joke has a pointed barb in the end of it. It may even be funny ... but it stings! Sarcasm is their weapon of choice, but anger is the underlying cause!
The Sniper can be healed by God’s forgiveness, too. Repentance ... laying down your weapons ... forgiveness towards those who hurt you ... and a commitment to say things which give grace ... are the things which the Sniper must tackle with the Lord’s help. But how do we handle them while they are not healed?
If possible, confront them in private. Let them know you felt as if they were digging at you with their comments, and ask them, "Did you mean it that way?" If they attempt to dismiss your question, let them know, "I distinctly heard a dig in the tone of your voice." If they persist in sniping at you in public, at that moment, ask the others who hear them, "Do all of you agree with what was just said?’ This allows others in the group to confront the person instead of you alone.
Another angry person is The Land Mine also known as The Time Bomb
1 Sam 18:6 .... the women had come out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with joy, and with musical instruments. 7 So the women sang as they danced, and said: "Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands."
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8 Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him; and he said, "They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?" 9 So Saul eyed David from that day forward.
10 And it happened on the next day that the distressing spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied inside the house. So David played music with his hand, as at other times; but there was a spear in Saul’s hand. 11 And Saul cast the spear, for he said, "I will pin David to the wall!" But David escaped his presence twice. 12 Now Saul was afraid of David, because the LORD was with him, but had departed from Saul. NKJV
As events unfold, Saul becomes increasingly jealous of David and desires to kill him, but Saul’s son Jonathan is David’s friend and pleads for David’s life ....
1 Sam 19:5 .... Why then will you sin against innocent blood, to kill David without a cause?" 6 So Saul heeded the voice of Jonathan, and Saul swore, "As the LORD lives, he shall not be killed." 7 Then Jonathan called David, and Jonathan told him all these things. So Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence as in times past.
8 And there was war again; and David went out and fought with the Philistines, and struck them with a mighty blow, and they fled from him. 9 Now the distressing spirit from the LORD came upon Saul as he sat in his house with his spear in his hand. And David was playing music with his hand. 10 Then Saul sought to pin David to the wall with the spear, but he slipped away from Saul’s presence; and he drove the spear into the wall. So David fled and escaped that night. NKJV
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During times of war a land mine is a terrible weapon because you can’t see it until you have already triggered the explosion! King Saul was a Land Mine ... a real Time Bomb! David may have been able to see the look on Saul’s face which indicated his anger, but no one said anything about what was going on inside of him. And more than likely, if anything had been said King Saul would have denied his anger and jealousy ... which would be typical of someone who is a Time Bomb or Land Mine.
After the first outburst David was aware of the danger and verse eleven tells us that David escaped from him twice! Then after a reconciliation attempt by Jonathan, there was a third attempt! Don’t you know that David had been tiptoeing around ... watching out of the corner of his eye ... tense ... ready to run? The Time Bomb wants you to tiptoe around them ... "tread softly or I’ll blow up!" is their message.
Have you ever done that to people around you? Have you done that to your family? Time Bomb people often get a reputation and people attempt to "walk on eggs" while around them in order to keep from setting them off. That is manipulation, that is a sin, and God wants you to stop! Again, repentance, forgiveness, and learning how to handle your anger by "painting" new pictures in your emotions will help overcome your anger!
But what are we supposed to do until the Land Mine gets healed? When you feel the chill in the air ... simply establish eye contact and gently say, "I want to hear what you have to say, but not in this way." Invite them to sit down with you a talk about what they are thinking and clear the air.
These three, The Sherman Tank, The Sniper, and the Land Mine are usually motivated by anger more than any other kind of difficult person you may come in contact with. They are more difficult to help
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... but they can be restored to mature people with the help of the Lord!
There are others ... The Clam or the Stone Wall, The Know-It-All or the Wet Blanket or The Fox, The Fake Know-It-All, The Waffler, The Crybaby, The bulldozer, The Nice Guy or the Bump On The Log
