DESPERATE MOTHERS
Gen. 4:1-8, Ex. 2:1-10, 1 Sam. 1:1-11
John Tung, 5-8-05
I. Introduction
Happy Mothers’ Day to all the moms here. It is a special day for you. It is your day to be loved and appreciated in a special way.
There is no doubt moms do a lot for their families. Everybody’s mom does so much for them. And for that we all should thank our moms.
And I believe that this generation of moms does more for their children than moms in the past. Moms are so busy, doing so much for their kids. It’s no wonder that the term “Super Mom” was coined for this generation’s moms.
I came across this funny description of super moms (www.christianitytoday.com) and I thought I share it with you as we begin today’s message:
“Faster than a speeding toddler, more powerful than a cocky teenager, able to leap roller blades and hockey sticks in a single bound! Look up on that ladder… is it dad changing a light bulb??? a workman painting the ceiling???
NO!!!! It’s AWESOME MOM sorting through the laundry pile that has accumulated over the weekend.
Strange alien to a lazy teen, she hustles through the house with power and authority far beyond that of mortal man. Yes, its AWESOME MOM!… Who disguised as a *totally weird creature who never ever was a kid herself* fights a never ending battle for TRUTH… JUSTICE… and time alone in the bathroom!”
Moms today do so much that Newsweek devoted its Feb. 21 issue’s cover and main articles on the contemporary mom.
This is the picture of the contemporary mom on that Newsweek cover:
The modern mom is so busy she is portrayed as having 8 arms! There are two arms holding the baby, one arm for the soccer ball - she’s a soccer mom - one arm holding weights since she works out, one arm holding high heels since she is also a wife, one arm holding a phone since she also works and does many of the errands, another arm cooking, and one more arm holding a doll to play with her kid! Wow, and all the while she’s still smiling! I don’t know about that. I think she probably should look more tired.
That’s why the caption over the picture of this mom says “The Myth of the Perfect Mother.”
In other words, some moms think they have to do it all. They feel the pressure to be everything to their kids that they are really stressed out. That smile on the mom is a myth. In reality, she is not smiling.
Recently a mom who lives in the DC area, Judith Warner, wrote a book that has been widely talked about, titled Perfect Madness, in which she interviewed 150 women across the country and it confirmed what she felt intuitively. She realized that she and many other moms were really overdoing it as a mom, with all the kids’ activities. The pleasures and joys of motherhood were being slowly but surely replaced by stress and a slow boiling anger.
So the book is making fun of herself for being wanting to be such a perfect mom that she drove herself batty and incredibly stressed.
In fact, there is now a countermovement against this perfect mother stereotype. A book that was published last year has the interesting title, Confessions of a Slacker Mom, written by Muffy Mead-Ferro.
Here is what the author of that book looks like at home.
She has a strong sense of humor in this book. It is deliberately written to humor. She was raised in a fourth generation ranch family in Wyoming, where motherhood was much simpler and relaxed. Just letting the kids play outside in the ranch.
An article about her said this: “You won’t catch Muffy Mead-Ferro at a toddler fitness class. When it comes to enriching after-school activities, she’s not ferrying her kids to traveling soccer or French lessons either. She lets them amuse themselves in a mud puddle in the backyard instead. This Salt Lake City mother of two says she isn’t feeling a shard of guilt about her choices. ‘We’ve raised the bar too high on parenting,’ she says, ‘And squeezed out all the fun. Someone has to say, ‘Stop the Madness’.”
Last spring, Mead-Ferro published her manifesto, “Confessions of a Slacker Mom,” which called on women everywhere to park the mini-van, bow out of the childrearing sweepstake and lighten up” (Peg Tyre, Newsweek, Feb. 13, 2005).
So, which is it: Perfect mom or slacker mom or something in between?
I have a lot of empathy for mothers today. I really sense moms are under a lot of stress. I sense they are trying so hard so that their kids get every advantage.
I am not a mom, I am a dad, and it’s different being a mom than a dad. There are certain things that only moms take on and feel the pressure. And no matter how much dads do, and many dads today are doing more than their own fathers did, moms still carry more of the burden of raising children.
Elizabeth and I have tried to steer a middle course – a course that made sense to us and what we can realistically do. We definitely know that we are not perfect parents. We have made mistakes like all parents have.
But we have not wanted to participate in this perfect madness, as the book calls it, of wanting to enrich our kids with too many activities that it stresses us and them out, but we also didn’t want to be slacker parents either. We have tried to be sensible about how much we should do for our kids. And I admit there is a lot of pressure of trying to do more or give them more. Sometimes you just have to say “no.” So for example, we have tried not to have the kids take part in activities that would require them to miss Sunday worship because that’s important to us.
Activities do add stress. And the more activities we have the more stress we have. Now, there is good stress too, which stimulates our life. But there is also bad stress and there is also too much stress. So the trick is to know when it is too much and when it becomes bad.
But even aside from all the activities that the modern kid is able to participate in, just being a parent is not easy. And there are times when every parent and every mother will feel some sense of desperation. That’s because it’s not easy to bring up a child. We all want our children to be happy and healthy and well adjusted. And as Christians, we also additionally want our children to be “raised in the ways of the Lord.” And that’s not an easy process.
But there are some additional reasons that being a mother is tougher now than before. Let me share a few of them:
1. There is the breakdown of the family. With increasing divorces, more and more moms are raising children alone.
2. There is increased mobility. With the high percentage of people moving to other cities due to jobs, there is increasing isolation and loneliness after they relocate. No longer is it true that one’s own mother and grandmother are readily available to help a new mother navigate through the stages of motherhood. They have to depend more on friends. And it often takes time to find friends who are in a similar stage of life.
3. There is increased need for education. Long gone are the days when little education was enough. Nowadays, even a decent job requires a college education. So, there is more time needed to train kids and educate them, this prolongs the child raising years. In the past, when a child was 13 or 14, that was about it. They might be married by then, or have a regular job on the family farm already and be considered grown up. Nowadays, college and graduate school are the usual requirements. So, parenting years have stretched out much longer. If I was a dad 50 years ago, by now my job as a dad is all done, once my kids reached 17 or 18 years of age. But because I am a parent today, I still have to pay for my kids’ college education and still be fairly involved in their life even into their mid 20’s.
4. Then there is also globalization. With more competition for jobs and more work that involves connections in other countries, more parents have to travel far and wide as part of their work, and that also puts pressure on raising children.
5. And in our area certainly, but also in other major cities in America, there is the high cost of living.
Nowadays in our county, with prices of homes going so high - it’s unbelievable - it is hard, but not impossible, but it is hard, to make it with one income. I know this is controversial: the debate between staying at home versus working moms, but however you come down on the issue, I think everyone can at least agree that there is pressure on families to have both parents working. And two parents working will add more stress to raising children.
These are a few of the new realities in our society that today’s parents find themselves in that the previous generations did not have. This is why parenting today is more stressful. This is why TV shows today have titles like Desperate Housewives, Nanny 911, Super Nanny, because living in today’s world is more stressful and complicated in many ways than before.
III. Three Desperate Mothers
But that doesn’t mean being a mother earlier on was easy. Whereas the modern mom has to face these new social realities today that can add stress to her, but it is also true that even without these social forces, that whenever a mom in any culture experiences a crisis related to her child, then she becomes stressful or even desperate.
So, with that, I’d like to take us back to the life of three mothers, way back in the OT, who lived a long time ago. But because of the unique crisis they faced, they realized that being a mother was tough, but who also found a way to go through it. Therefore they can teach us something about how to deal with the pressures that come from being a mom.
The first mom we want to look at is Eve. This is in Gen. 4. She was the first mother. Her name means “living.” She would give life to the human race. She is the mother of us all.
What did she have to deal with?
1. Eve – desperate because she lost a child
Well, to start off, how about guilt?
She and her husband had committed the first human sin in history. How’s that for notoriety: to be remembered forever for that transgression?
She had to live with it. A heavy burden made lighter through the forgiveness of God.
But besides the guilt of this original sin, she also dealt with the guilt of her son committing a crime: one of her son killed the other son. Wow! That’s plenty of materials there for a soap opera! It could be called “All My Children Minus One.”
We read this in Gen. 4:1—8. [Read.]
One of her son, Cain, killed her other son, Abel.
Imagine the grief, the horror. That’s a stress brought on by a huge crisis. Eve at this point was desperate because she lost a child.
You realize of course that there were no other women Eve’s age around at this time since there were only Adam and Eve.
I’m not sure if it was a good or bad thing that at that time there were no other women around. On the one hand, having another woman around would provide Eve with someone to turn to in her sorrow and grief. But on the other hand, Eve also risked terrible criticism and neighborhood gossip from that person when she learned of that disaster.
“What, Cain killed Abel?! What happened? What kind of mom are you?” Somehow it’s easy to blame a child’s failure on the mom. And that is besides the blame Eve already placed on herself.
One of the things all moms dread is to hear criticism from other moms, especially an older mom. A mom already has self-doubt. A young mom may not think she is doing the right thing, especially when their child is still crying or making a scene after she’s tried to calm the child down. She can sometimes already question herself if she is a good mother. And then on top of that, she may receive unfavorable comments from other moms who don’t agree with her method of parenting, which adds to their stress and doubt.
Henry Cloud, in his book, Boundaries with Kids, and all of his books are very good, tells a story about his own mother during a tough period of his family’s life.
He writes: “When I was four years old, I came down with a leg disease that left me bedridden, then in a wheelchair, and then in braces and on crutches for two years. I went overnight from a very active child to one with a serious disability. My doctor told my parents it was imperative they make me do things for myself and not spoil my character by doing everything for me.
I remember an incident at church when my parents were making me go up a long flight of stairs on my crutches. I was struggling and taking a long time, but they were prodding me on. I stumbled, got redirected, and continued on one slow step after another. I’m sure it was painful to watch.
Suddenly, from behind us I heard a woman say to her husband, ‘Can you believe those parents are making that child do that?’
I don’t remember what my parents said, but years later I wondered how my mother did it. One of the most caring people I know, she is also one of the most caretaking, the kind who has difficulty making the dog go outside in the rain. I can only imagine what it was like for her to let a crippled child struggle through things she could have helped with. So, years later, I asked her.
‘You are one of the most codependent people I know,’ I said. ‘How in the world did you let me suffer through what I had to suffer through without rescuing me?’
‘Emmett,’ she said.
‘Emmett?’ I asked.
‘Yes, Emmett. Every day, when I had to do something I just could not face doing, I would call Emmett, cry my eyes out, and listen to her tell me I had to do it. She would help me through it each time. It was awful.’
Emmett was my mother’s best friend, a wonderful Christian woman. What my mother had discovered was that by herself she could not do that was required of her. But with support she could. She was being ‘built up’” (see 1 Thess. 5:11) (How People Grow, 130-1).
So, it’s tough to hear criticisms from other moms.
So in Eve’s case, even though there were no women around, it may not have been a bad thing. At least she was left alone from criticisms.
So Eve didn’t have to deal with that criticism, but she probably criticized herself and carried around the weight of that burden.
So, how did she get through it, the death of her son at the hand of the other son?
In the same way that she acknowledged the birth of her children: “With the help of the Lord.”
This mother, in spite of her kids not turning out the way she had hoped, put her hope and her trust in God. She grieved his death, and she waited on the Lord.
We see her attitude and acceptance later on in 4:25. There it says, “Adam lay with his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, ‘God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.’"
She grieved the loss of Abel, never forgot about him, but she also accepted and praised God when she received the gift of another child to take his place.
She was the mother of the living, and she trusted in God that God would bring more life from her.
So, the application is this: if any mom has lost a child, it is tough - it may be the toughest thing a mother will ever face - but it is also equally true that you still have life in you. You can still bring forth more life, perhaps in the form of another child, but if not, then certainly in giving life and joy to the child that you still have, or giving life and joy to other children who may not be yours. Life can still be enriched.
2. Jochebed – desperate because her child is in danger
A second mother we can learn from is Jochebed, Moses’ mother.
In her case, it is all about protection. In the dangerous environment she lived in, protecting her child was the main thing. She faced desperation because her child was in danger .
Jochebed lived as a slave in a foreign country. She had no rights. She worked hard, backbreaking labor, like some of our own mothers did.
And she lived in a time when abortion of certain infants was mandated by the law of the land. In this case: Egypt, through the Pharaoh, that all Jewish boys had to be killed at birth.
Jochebed gave birth to a boy. In a strange twist to some modern countries - whose birth practices encourage the keeping of boys - in Egypt at this time, it was the girls who were allowed to live and the boys killed. It all had to do with different social reasons the government imposed.
I believe that Jochebed was hoping for a girl to be born. She knew the danger of giving birth to boys.
But she also knew that life is precious, boys and girls, because it is the Lord who gives life.
So this is what she did, at great risk to her own life.
We read this in Ex. 2:1-10. [Read.]
She found the courage to hide this boy from danger. She protected him from harm, and as a reward for her faithfulness and recognition of the preciousness of life, God gave her son back to her, and now under the protection of the daughter of Pharaoh, instead of being left to the blatantly unfair laws of the land against her people.
What is the application here?
When Jochebed realized her mothering experience was going to be only a short 3 months and then she had to let go, she realized what she had to do. And floated Moses in a papyrus basket down the Nile to who knows what awaited him. But she knew that she could not do anymore at that point, so she released him. And God is good to us that if we have no choice but to release our child, that God will bring others along who will also care for our child. Those people will care for our child in different ways than we will, but still in important ways.
I hope this encourages moms who have to let their kids go to college. You might also feel as if you are floating them down a dangerous path in the world. But God will use other people to also care for your kids. God can use others besides us to help our children.
Another application we can get from Moses’ mother has to do with activities. Moses, like some kids, was blessed to be able to take part in more activities than other kids. Moses grew up in a palace. He was able to have his life enriched with archery, horseback riding, swimming, private tutors for math and science and language and arts. I mean, talk about enrichments. This guy had it all. But you know what? When God gives you more, God also wants to use you more. And God later on used all of Moses’ training and enrichments to benefit other people and to serve God. He became a servant leader. So, enrich your kids – with the boundary being not stressing them or yourself out - and also encourage them to be servant leaders with the abilities they have.
3. Hannah – desperate because she could not have a child
The third desperate mother we want to see is Hannah.
In 1 Samuel, we see a woman who was desperate because she could not have a child.
Some women just want to be a mom, but they can’t.
How desperate did Hannah get? When we turn to 1 Sam. 1:1-11, we read these words. [Read.]
Hannah was so desperate for a son that she prayed and she made a vow to God.
People do not make vows to God unless they are desperate. And Hannah had reached that point.
In OT times - much, much more so than today - for a married woman not to have a child was a source of shame. And others made them feel more miserable by their snide remarks and sometimes even by their good intentioned remarks.
But in Hannah’s case, there was also something else going on.
She was one of two wives to a man named Elkanah. We don’t have time to get into the argument about Bible characters having more than one wife, let’s just take it as a fact that there were people in the Bible who had more than one wife.
What was unusual in Hannah’s case, besides the desire to have a child, was the provocation of the other wife, who was a mother and had more than one child (1:2).
This other wife continued to provoke Hannah and taunt her.
Hannah already felt bad that the other wife had children, and she didn’t, but to add insult to injury, the other woman mocked her and constantly rubbed it in.
I suppose if that woman was a more compassionate person, she would not do this to Hannah, maybe she might even pray for Hannah to have a child, but because she was so spiteful and maybe because of the nature of having two wives, she was not going to offer any comfort to Hannah.
I believe it is this factor that made Hannah pray so hard to have a child.
And by her prayer and God’s eventual answer we see that Hannah was less interested in keeping the child for herself as a prize to get back at the other wife, but it was more to stop her taunting and to end her unjustified shame.
So Hannah prayed that God would give her a son, and then she would give the son to God as a priest.
This interpretation of her motive is supported by what we hear from Hannah later on when she prayed after giving the child back to God, it says in 2:1, “Then Hannah prayed and said: ‘My heart rejoices in the LORD; in the LORD my horn is lifted high. My mouth boasts over my enemies, for I delight in your deliverance.’”
And again in vs. 3, “Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the LORD is a God who knows, and by him deeds are weighed.”
So what is going on here is that due to persistent unjustified personal attack on her, Hannah turned to God for help. And the one thing that would silence her foe was a child, which is what God gave to her. But it also shows something of the solid character of Hannah that she is willing to make her point to her enemy but not rub it in.
She would not keep her son in the home and make her enemy feel miserable all her life, but she would give the child to God as a servant of the Lord. End of story, point is made. Her enemy is silenced.
And what was the name she gave to her son? Samuel - which means “heard of God.”
IV. Conclusion
I need to wrap up the message now.
What is the one take-away point that we can learn from these mothers?
It is this: when life gets tough and pushes us against the wall, we all become desperate creatures.
If we are not desperate mothers at one point, we might be desperate husbands or fathers, or perhaps desperate girlfriends or boyfriends. There are times when we feel desperate as workers because of the unreasonable nature of our work. Or desperate sons and daughters.
But whenever you get desperate, instead of trying to connive your way out of the misery, like the characters on Desperate Housewives try to do, for us as believers, we should turn to God.
Let us do what these three mothers in the OT did: turn to God for help.
As Psalm 79:8 says, “Do not hold against us the sins of the fathers; may your mercy come quickly to meet us, for we are in desperate need.”
Or, Psalm 142:6 says, “Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.”
Whether we need immediate help or long-term help, turn to the Lord in your time of need and he will help you, and don’t forget that that help can also include other people who have been helped by the Lord. Motherhood is hard, tiring work; and motherhood will also teach moms. But in all of this, don’t forget to let motherhood be the blessing God intended it to be. Amen.
