MAINTAINING YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS
Straight Talk - What The Bible Has To Say About Sex
How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:1-7)
“Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral”
Hebrews 13:4
We are in a new teaching series we are calling, “Seven of the Most Important Decisions You Will Ever Make”. We began it last week with an examination of how you select your mate. Most of us would agree that is one of the most crucial decisions a person can face. There is a second decision which is connected to it – and that is how a person chooses to respond to their marriage vows. Most of us who are married or who have been married – were asked by the person officiating at our ceremony to make a commitment of faithfulness to our partner. In that, we promised to refrain from any sexual relations from anyone else except that person to whom we pledged our love. However, most of us have either known someone quite well who has broken that commitment – or we may have ourselves been guilty of breaking the promise which we made on the day of our wedding.
We live in a culture that is quite preoccupied with sex. I do not know if it is fair to say that there are more people today that at any time before who have little, if any regard for the Biblical teachings on sex. However, I think it is safe to say that at no time has the public perception been that Biblical teaching about sex is outdated, at best. On Friday, I opened the Los Angeles Times Calendar section to see what the most popular movies in the southland currently are. As I glanced at the ads, I noticed that a movie called, “The 40 Year Old Virgin” is in its second week of showings. It is the story of a man who at the age of 40 has still not experienced sexual relations and his friends decide it is up to them to take that matter into their hands. On another page, I saw that the movie, “Wedding Crashers” is still going strong. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play two attorneys who pretend to be someone different each weekend in order to crash a wedding in hopes of having a weekend tryst with one of females in the bridal party. Just in case you were one of those people who believed that one “Deuce Bigalow” wasn’t enough, he is back doing his thing as a male Gigilo, only this time in Europe. “Pretty Persuasion” is the story of a high school girl who doesn’t get a part she covets in a high school production who then sets out to ruin the career of the teacher by accusing him of making sexual advances upon her. There is even a very popular film showing called “March of the Penguins” which is about the sex life of penguins! Would you agree with me that interest in sexual matters ranks pretty high on the charts of many people in today’s culture?
Since everyone else seems to be talking about sex, it seems clear that the church better jump in there and trying to bring some common sense and Biblical truth to this discussion. So, consider this a teaching that we are likely to revisit at least once a year for the foreseeable future. In fact, I have prepared for you, “talking points”, on this subject. Feel free to pass these along to your friends, colleagues, neighbors and family members who may be struggling with moral choices on the matter of their sexuality. I would certainly encourage you to hang on to today’s handout and utilize it at the proper time with your teenagers. You should be preparing now to have an open and frank dialogue with them about this subject – I can assure you everyone else in their culture is going to be attempting to influence them on the matter of sexual matters. It is one of the most important topics you as a parent must deal with.
During 2005, our overall preaching focus has been on the 52 Greatest Stories Ever Told. 52 different Biblical characters has been chosen to have a portion of their story told and we have arranged those stories into different and unique series. One of the primary reasons we have done so is to create new and fresh interest with you to open your Bible and read it. There are few stories more fascinating to consider than the one found in 2nd Samuel, Chapters 11-12. In it we discover the account of an illicit affair that takes place between King David and a woman whom he spies bathing, by the name of Bathsheba. He inquired about her and was told that she was the wife of one of the men fighting on behalf of the King against the Ammonites. David sent for her and we are told that he slept with her. In what may have been an ongoing practice of secret, one-time trysts, David sent her back to her home once he was satisfied. It is likely that David never expected to see her again. However, something went wrong. She became pregnant and it was only a matter of time until her pregnancy would become obvious to everyone, particularly her husband.
David them embarks on a secret and ultimately desperate mission to cause her husband to believe he is the father of the child. However, David clearly underestimated the seriousness with which her husband, Uriah, has taken his vow as a soldier to his nation. When David sends the word to have him sent home for some R&R, Uriah refuses to partake in any relations with his wife – while his fellow soldiers are unable to share in the same joys with their mates. David goes so far as to get Uriah drunk to break down his resolve but even inebriation isn’t enough to break Uriah’s resolve. His stubbornness ultimately cost Uriah his life. David concludes that he has no other option than to send Uriah to the front lines. He is told to lead the charge into battle – but, in fact, every other soldier has been told to retreat. David’s plan works too perfection – Uriah is killed in action. After an appropriate time of mourning over the loss of her husband, Bathsheba was brought to the palace and she bore David yet another son. From all appearances, David covert plan has worked.
However, that is not the rest of the story. God sends a prophet by the name of Nathan who informs him that while David may have succeeded in covering up his sins to most people, it has not escaped the eyes of the Lord. Cornered, David is humbled and broken and finds forgiveness from God. However, the consequences of the sin are painful and costly and include the loss of the life of the child that had been conceived in a moment of lust. In many ways, chapter 12 marks a watershed in the life of David and his life is never so rich or blessed again as it was before this sad event occurred.
In the time remaining, I want to share with you what I think are some of the most crucial taking points for a post-modern world on the subject of sex. Let’s get right to it.
I. TRUTH IS THE GREATEST ANTIDOTE TO SEXUAL TEMPTATION
The Bible is very clear and precise about what God expects out of believers when it comes to living out your sexuality. There are two great principles that are forbidden in terms of sexuality. The Bible forbids the practice of fornication and it forbids the practice of adultery. In its simplest terms, fornication is sexual practice outside of marriage. Adultery is sexuality by married people anyone other than your mate. Now, while that sounds harsh, look at it the other way. God actually says that sex is so great and so special, it has to be protected by the strongest bond of commitment – a marriage vow between and husband and a wife. There is a truthful principle behind everyone of God’s command and each one of those principles is built around protection for our physical, emotional and spiritual well being. Sex outside marriage brings risk to each of those important areas of a person’s wife.
Now, stay with me for just a moment and let me chase this rabbit. The great battle we are a part of between God and the devil is rooted in truth versus lies. Everything God has ever stated or had written is truth according to what the Bible says. On the other thing, everything that the devil has ever suggested to mankind has always been – and always will be – a lie. Here are the exact words of Jesus about his subject.
He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth for there is
No truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native tongue for he is a liar and
the father of lies. (John 8:44-45)
That’s plain talking on the part of Jesus. That has to mean that every temptation that would lead a person to break the command of God – an fornication or adultery are commands of God – will always be rooted in lies. Some of the most common lies that lead people to break their marriage vows are:
• My body is my own and no one has a right to tell me what I can do with it
• What I do in secret isn’t going to hurt anybody
• I can keep this under control and from affecting the rest of my life
• I have needs that no one else other than my lover can meet
• I must be special to have someone want to have an affair with me
• Its just sex – nothing more
•
Those are all lies – and they are lies that have deadly consequences as we see in the story of David and Bathsheba. The antidote to breaking your marriage vow to remain rooted into obedience to the word of God. Ironically, it was this same David who wrote, “I have hidden your word in my heart so that I might not sin against God”. Being in God’s word will not make you bullet-proof from sexual temptation but it is a powerful antidote for falling for the lies of the devil. Its important to remember that he has been lying to mankind from the very beginning. He told Eve two big lies in the garden and they were her undoing. First of all, he told her that if she ate of the fruit, she would never die. Hmmmm…How did that work out? Anyone seen Eve lately? Why not? She died. The devil lied to her. He also told her that if she of the fruit, she would become the same as God. Hmmmm…Wonder how that one worked out? Not so good. He lied about that one also. Every temptation presented to you that is designed to lead you into disobedience is ALWAYS rooted in a direct lie. It’s a very important point to remember.
II. THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL IS THAT MY BODY BELONGS TO ME AND NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN DO WITH IT.
There is little point it attempting to convince anyone of this fact or in arguing about this matter. We must simply get the word of God into God’s people’s hearts. If there has been any great failure in the church, it is a failure on the part of those of us who preach and teach this Bible to fail to release the clear, simple truths of scripture on this subject.
“The body is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord and the Lord for the body…You are not your own, you were bought with a price. Therefore HONOR God with your body”. (1 Corinthians 6:13; 19)
“Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of act of worship”. (Romans 12:1)
“Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness”. (Romans 6:13)
“For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.” (2 Corinthians 5:10)
Do you see that once you have gotten this principle in place in your life how dramatically it impacts any consideration of sexual misconduct? It is very clear in scripture that our bodies are rented out, if you will and we are going to have to report to God on everything that we did with it.
III. WHILE ALL SIN IS EQUAL – ALL CONSEQUENCES TO SIN ARE NOT – AND THE CONSEQUENCES TO SEXUAL SIN ARE QUITE PAINFUL.
For a long time, I struggled to get my hands around the reality that there is something uniquely different about sexual sins as opposed to other kinds of sins. However, it is clear that the consequences of sexual sin are different than any other sin. David discovered this truth in a most profound and painful manner. Look carefully at what has been preserved for us in this passage.
“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh… 17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. “(1 Corinthians 6:15-20)
According to this teaching, something happens to us when we six sexually with another person that does not happen with any other sin. We actually merge, if you will, in a spiritual sense. This uncovers another one of the biggest lies of all – that sex is just about sex – that it is just about the physical – nothing more. Not according to the teaching in scripture. This is why God takes such strong action against sexual sin – its does something to us that most of us as Christians never seem to understand at the time. It not only merges our spirit with that other person, but God is always along for the ride, if you will. This is why the writer of Hebrews wrote what he did.
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)
Does this help you understand why no one ever escapes the consequences of sexual sin? Everyone else in the world may be in the dark about what we did or are doing – but God is never in the dark. Not only is He not in the dark – he is involved in what we are doing! You might as well stop and pray before you being the next act of sexual immorality. God is going to be a part of the process whether you invite him or not. Our bodies are a temple, a repository of where the Holy Spirit has come to live.
By the way, its not just prostitution that Paul is dealing with here. It’s just that that is such a simple illustration to understand. In those days, prostitution was a part of the way the ancient world worshipped. It was the old way those people had behaved before Christ has entered their lives. It would have shamed them to consider living that way again now that they had discovered the Lord. Shame is one of the ways that God drives us back into repentance and it can be a very effective tool.
IV. YOUR MIND WILL BE EITHER THE PATHWAY TO 0R THE PREVENTION FROM SEXUAL IMMORALITY
Before a body is ever surrendered to sexual sin, the mind must first surrender. This is why there is such emphasis in scripture on guarding your thoughts and images that enter into your mind. And, this is as good of a time as any to deal with the reality of pornography. I cannot imagine how incredibly hard it must be to be a teenage boy this day and to remain pure. When I was a teenager, there were Playboy magazines that were sometimes on the table at the barbershop where I had my haircut. But, who had the courage to open one and take the risk that someone might see you and tell you parents what you were looking at? Today, we have something called the Internet. Pornographic sites receive more hits than any other kind of site in the electronic world. Anything a person can imagine can be seen in a matter of seconds. On top of that, there are chat rooms, virtual dating sites, anonymous encounters portals – where everything wicked and twisted about sexuality is available at a command of a few key stokes. Parents who are not resolute about monitoring the Internet activity of their children and teenagers are naïve and allowing a Pandora Box to be opened in your child’s bedroom. Pornography moves the forbidden to the realm of the possible, from there to becoming the doable and ultimately into becoming the acceptable.
I counseled a couple some years ago who eventually ended their marriage due to the unwillingness and seemingly inability of the wife to forsake internet sexual encounters. The husband worked a night shift at a local plant and discovered the secret activities of his wife when he was home on a night he normally worked. Their telephone rang at 3:30 a.m. Upon answering it, a strange man line asked to speak to his wife - and called her by her first name. It was soon clear to this husband that this was not the first time the two had spoken. In spite of using some language I cannot repeat to the caller, the man still asked to speak to the man’s wife and was quite insistent. Imagine that! That is an example of how twisted sexual sins can make us. A few weeks later, this same woman agreed to meet another man at an airport two hours away from her home. This man flew in from across the country to meet her for a sexual encounter. She had no idea who he really was but their conversations over the Internet had been become so addictive that she placed herself in a profoundly dangerous position. While waiting for the plane to arrive, she changed her mind and she informed the traveller of this fact as he debarked from the plane. He, himself, was so twisted by what had been going on between the two of them that he followed her into the restroom protesting that she owed him some kind of favor in light of how expensive his airline ticket has cost.
To quote Cher from the film, Moonstruck, some of us need to SNAP OUT OF IT before it is too late. It is always better, the scriptures teach, to judge yourself before God is forced to step in to do so. Sadly, in spite of this situation with the telephone and the situation at the airport, this woman was not willing to break this addiction. Ultimately, she paid painful consequences when she lost her marriage and custody of her children.
The antidote to falling to these kinds of temptations is through the guarding of your mind. Here is the advice on Paul on this matter.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”. (Philippians 4:8)
If your television viewing, if your internet activity, if your DVD watching, if your book and magazine readings cannot pass the test of Philippians 4:8, you are sailing into stormy waters.
V.THE FAILURE TO MAINTAIN YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS FORCES YOU INTO OTHER SINFUL BEHAVIORS AND SAD CONSEQUENCES.
This fact becomes obvious in reading the story of David and Bathsheba. Once you enter into a lifestyle of this kind of sin, you have no choice but beginning to lead a duplicitous lifestyle. It takes a lot of energy to live a secret life. It steals away time and it steals away focus and it steals away peace.
The movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which stars Brad Pitt and Angelie Jolie is actually a good film in a way you might miss. It is made as a metaphor for marriages when are infected with secret lifestyles. In the film, you have two people who live covert lives for secret government agencies as hit men. They are not aware that actually do the same thing for a living. They have grown so accustomed to living secretive lives based on a lie that in the end, they find that they cannot trust any one. including one another. Too late, their lifestyle destroys them both.
This is what happens once we stray from our marriage vows. Deep down, most people are profoundly aware of the depth of moral failure and a betrayal of trust that has occurred. I have discovered through the years that this is the one sin that people have the hardest time being truthful about. I have had people look me straight in the eye and swear nothing is going on – while it is clear and obvious that they are not telling the truth. That is the depth of sinfulness that such activity lead a person to. It is suffocating to live in the darkness. Your soul longs to burst back into the lightness and freshness of clean air and to be done with the blackness of sin. Unfortunately, it is often the case that by the time honesty occurs, family members and close friends are are left to deal with the fragments of tattered promises and sad lies.
In David’s circumstances, his indiscretion led him to deeper and darker sins – ultimately to taking an innocent man’s life. The consequences he suffered were deep and severe. They included not only loss of the child conceived, but the rape of a daughter by one of his own –sons by another wife, the murder of that son by a brother of the sister raped and ultimately, the death of his most beloved son after an attempted coup drove David from the palace to the desert. He was never the same man.
VI.THE CASE FOR STRONG, JOYOUS, ACTIVE SEXUALITY
It may sound as if all the Bible has to say about sex is NO, NO, NO. Nothing could be farther from the truth. God invented sex and gave it to mankind as a gift. However, it is so beautiful, no precious, so intimate that it is to be preserved as a great and valuable treasure. Consider what the Bible says about sexuality between a husband and a wife.
“Each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife? For a man’s ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:15-21)
How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing. Each has its twin; not one of them is alone. Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely. Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate. Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:1-7)
God made man and woman with unique and special needs of intimacy. He designed us so that they could only be ultimately met by coming together to be one flesh. The greatest way to experience the fulfillment God has for you in the special area of your life is in an honest, truthful, trustful, faithful marriage.
TALKING POINT
Five Questions To Consider Before Breaking Your Marriage Vows
1. Is this an activity or relationship that I can pray and ask God to bless?
2. Is this an activity or relationship Jesus would participate in?
3. Is this an activity or relationship I would be proud for my friends and family members to know about?
4. Is this an activity or relationship that I could encourage others to participate in?
5. Would my church (or workplace) be a better place if everyone else were to do what I am considering doing?
Other Biblical Texts On This Subject
Leviticus 18:6-23
Proverbs 5:1-14; 6:20-35; 7:1-27; 31:10-31
Romans 6:11-14
1 Corinthians 10:13; 13:1-13
2 Corinthians 7:10
Galatians 5:16-24
Ephesians 5:22-33
Colossians 3:5-19
Titus 2:11-14
Hebrews 12:14-17
1Peter 2:11
Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of the German composer, had a hunchback. When he was young, he was visiting a family friend who had a beautiful daughter named Frumtje. She avoided him, and even seemed to be frightened by his appearance. On the last day of his visit he climbed the stairs to her room to say good-bye to her. When he approached, she busied herself with her needlework. Her face glowing with an almost celestial beauty. Mendelssohn’s heart ached. He made conversation with her, eventually leading to the subject that filled his mind. "Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?" he asked. She answered, "Yes I do. Do you?" Mendelssohn’s response was, "Yes, of course." He then went on to say, "You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord calls out, ’This boy should get this girl for a wife, and that boy should marry that girl.’ When I was born, the Lord also said, ’But alas, his wife will have a terrible hump.’ At that moment I called, ’Oh Lord, a girl who is humpbacked would be a tragedy. Please, Lord, give the hump to me and let her be beautiful.’" Frumtje was deeply moved. She stretched out her hand for Mendelssohn’s and later became his faithful and loving wife.
Two neighbors were talking over the back fence. "I went to a wedding this weekend," said one, "but I don’t think the marriage will last." "Why not?" asked the other. "Well, when the groom said ’I do,’ the bride said, ’Don’t use that tone of voice with me.’ "
Love can be wonderful, but it also can be very destructive. It can cause people to lie, to cheat, to commit murder, and—worst of all—to write lyrics like these: Why do birds suddenly appear, Every time you are near? These lyrics are of course from the Carpenters’ huge hit "(They Long to Be) Close to You," which received a solid vote in the Bad Song Survey. You frankly have to ask yourself: "Do I really want to be near somebody who causes birds to appear suddenly? Didn’t Alfred Hitchcock do a horror movie about this?" —Dave Barry, Book of Bad Songs
"Sex is like a great river that is rich and deep and good as long as it stays within its proper channel. The moment a river overflows its banks, it becomes destructive, and the moment sex overflows its God-given banks, it too becomes destructive."
I am steadfastly for monogamy. Adultery is almost certainly going to make a dent in trust and intimacy, and in many cases I’ve known, it has destroyed them altogether. A man or woman who is conducting a secret affair has to become deliberately deceitful…like a CIA agent or spy. They can’t just come home and spill forth the events of the day. He or she has got to think, What can I safely talk about, and what have I got to keep to myself? So even when the infidelity isn’t discovered, it changes who you are. A person goes from being a candid, open human being to a secretive, hidden one. Bernie Zilbergeld, Nov, 1989 Homemade
