R.E.L.A.T.E.[1]
Series: Cultivating Healthy Relationship #1
Col. 3:12-15[2]
1-30-05
Intro
On your table this morning is an outline of our message entitled simply, RELATE. Using that acrostic we are going to deal with six essential actions for establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Most of us are very aware of how essential relationships are to our success in life and our personal happiness and fulfillment. [3] God designed us for relationship—relationship with Him and relationship with one another. The Bible is a book about how to have a healthy relationship with God and how to have healthy relationships with other people. There is no better manual on living in relationship with others than this best seller that I hold in my hand. We will certainly not exhaust the subject this morning. But the six principles we are going to discuss are some of the most important keys to the relationships God wants us to enjoy.
Listen as Doug[4] introduces our first point with a portion of hit song from the late ‘60s.
---- Play about 20 or 30 seconds of “Respect” by Aretha Franklin published by Atlantic Records (ideally end as the word is spelled out in the song).
Why was that song so popular, aside from the fact that it has a cool beat? Shortly after that a man named, Roger Dangerfield made millions off of one line, “I don’t get any respect.” Why, because that echoes a cry that is in every human heart. Everybody needs to feel respected. Every relationship depends upon the giving and receiving
[R]ESPECT : 1 Peter 2:17 tells us to, “Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.”
What does it mean to show proper respect to someone? What does it mean to honor another person? It means we place proper value on the worth of that individual. In other contexts the word here commanding us to “show proper respect” or “honor” is sometimes translated “set a price”. Acts 4:34 and Acts 19:19 are a couple of examples of that.
If we are to enjoy healthy relationships with people we have to value people the way the Lord values them. We have to see them through the Lord’s eyes. We have to remember the value that God has set on that soul—the shed blood of Jesus Christ.[5] We have to remember that each soul is so valuable in God’s eyes that He gave His Son for that person’s redemption. When we are aggravated at someone we need to place that soul on God’s scale and count the cost already paid. When we are tempted to write somebody off as not worth the trouble, we do well to pause and consider the price God has paid for that soul. When we’re having a conflict with someone it’s a good idea to think about that person in those terms. Every human being is extremely important to God.
The way we view people is foundational to having the right relationship with them. If we genuinely value them they will discern that and respond well. If we discount them as unimportant, if we treat them disrespectfully we will experience all kinds of relational conflicts. The fastest way I know to get into conflict with anybody is to humiliate that person. You can get almost anybody to fight with you over that.
Scripturally the most important relational issue between a husband and wife is the giving of proper honor to one another. Ephesians 5 commands the husband to cherish his wife and commands the wife to respect her husband. The kind of expression of honor a wife needs is different than the expression of honor a husband needs. But the essential element in both cases is respect. And if there is trouble in the marriage you can be pretty sure this is part of the problem.[6] By the way, it is also part of the solution. It’s amazing how people will come around in a relationship when we begin to show respect for who they are.
We have all kinds of examples in the Bible as to how we are to humbly relate to other people. Think about the way Abigail approached David in 1 Samuel 25. Think about the way Esther approached King Xerxes (Ahasuerus). Listen to the way Daniel addressed King Nebuchadnezzar in Dan 2:37, “You, O king, are the king of kings. The God of heaven has given you dominion and power and might and glory.” Daniel didn’t approach the man with those words because he was a kiss up. He wasn’t just flattering him. Everything he said was true. God had given Nebuchadnezzar that place of honor and Daniel was recognizing it. Now what kind of person was Nebuchadnezzar at that time? He was a ruthless, cruel dictator. Daniel eventually led him to the Lord. But that evangelism began with a show of genuine and proper respect.
We need to understand something I would call contextual etiquette. By that I mean, be discerning of the role someone is filling and honor that person accordingly. For example, here at Grace Chapel Marty Falukos is Marty. But when I go to his office, especially in the context of his patients, he is Dr. Falukos. Over here is my friend, Don. But when I enter his courtroom he is Judge Burrell in that context. Give people proper respect. Young people you don’t diminish yourself by showing respect to elders. You actually will reap the honor back on yourself. 1 Tim 5:1-2 “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” What’s that saying, bottom line? It’s telling us to treat one another with respect.
Romans 12 deals with our different giftings within the Body of Christ. Romans 14 gives instruction on how to deal with different convictions of conscience. Only those who have learned to adequately respect those differences will enjoy peace in their ministries and in their relationships with fellow Christians. Pride is our worst enemy in this arena and spiritual pride is the worst form of pride.[7] It is amazing how many unnecessary battles Christians fight with each other. We would do better to invest our energy in fighting the real enemy rather than quibbling over differences in these areas.
Over the years I have seen two mistakes cause lots of needless friction in the Body of Christ.
The first is the tendency to inflate the value of our own giftings and discount the giftings of others. Rom 12:3-6 says, “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4 Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given us...”
Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought. The popular warning in our culture is “Do not think of yourself too lowly...” And there is a kind of inverted pride that we need to avoid. But Paul understood the tendency of the human heart and his warning “to every one” of us is to not think too highly of ourselves. Let me show you how conflict from this issue begins. I am a person gifted to serve. So I am in the church kitchen after an event and as I put away the dishes I am thinking to myself, “I just wish others would serve the way I am serving. If others would do their part the way I am, this church would be a whole lot better off.” And in another area of the church you have the prayer warriors. They are putting in extra time in prayer. But the destructive thought enters in, “Isn’t it a shame this whole church doesn’t pray the way we pray. If they would just do what we’re doing we would have real revival.” Oh, the unnecessary conflict that has happened in churches because people try to mold others in their own image. And what is subtly behind that? Pride.
The other problem is imposing our own convictions upon others. Listen to what Paul writes in Rom 14:1-4, “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.” Now there are some things that are not disputable matters. “Thou shalt not kill” is not a disputable matter. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” is not a disputable matter. God has clearly set forth some truths, some commandments that are universal and not disputable matters. But those are seldom what Christians are fighting with each other about. Verse 2 “One man’s faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him. 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.”
It is prideful for me to think that my personal convictions on some application that is not spelled out in scripture must be followed by everyone else. Certainly I should not violate my own conscience. But it is not my calling (no matter how spiritual or how prophetic I may think I am) to impose my conscience on everyone else. Take for example the secular song, Respect, that was played earlier in this service. I suspect that most of here didn’t think much about it one way or the other. But if we asked each one for an opinion we would probably find some differences of opinion as to how appropriate it is to use. One person might feel strongly that a “Christian” song should have been used to emphasize point one. Another might feel that person is being Parasitical for having such an opinion. How do we resolve those differences? The solution begins with every one having enough humility to say, “I think I’m right, but I might be wrong.” In a community of believers like this we have to walk with each other in the kind of humility and mutual respect that those little issues can be worked through in loving, Christ-like way.
Micah 6:8 “8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
Can we do justly, do right, and still have mercy and grace toward those who may not be doing right? Is our righteousness the kind that leaves us hard and ungracious toward others? Can we do justly and still walk humbly with God and one another? If we would simply live by the instruction of Micah 6:8 we would avoid a lot of vain strife with other people.
A second action for healthy relationships is to
[E]NCOURAGE: (one another)
1 Thess 5:11 “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
Most of us need a whole lot more encouragement than we need correction. People who enjoy healthy relationships use much more positive motivation than negative. Parents, your kids need a whole lot more positive affirmation than they need criticism and correction. There is a definite place for correction and the Bible commands parents to give it. But correction without proper respect and affirmation can break a child’s spirit and provoke that kid to rebellion.[8]
A fault-finding, critical person will eventually have no friends. Nobody wants to be around that kind of attitude very long. I’m not suggesting that we flatter each other and lie to one another. I’m suggesting that we be very observant of those characteristics and actions in other people that we can sincerely and genuinely appreciate. And that we communicate that appreciation to the other person.
When a friend is floundering and struggling and maybe even failing, to stand over that person with a self-righteous, condescending attitude pointing out the mistakes and flaws is far from helpful. What your friend needs is for you to come along beside that person and help him.
In 1988 Derek Redman had to pull out of the Olympics in Seoul, Korea because of an Achilles tendon. Following that injury, he had surgery five times but somehow was able to qualify for the 1992 Olympics. He was in first place as he rounded the last turn of the 400 meter race. He could see the finish line ahead of him. But then he felt a searing pain run down the length of his leg. With a torn hamstring, he fell face first on the ground. Even with all the pain he fought to stand and began struggling toward the finish line. It was obvious to everyone in the crowd that he could not make it on his own.
Suddenly a man jumped out of the stands; he pushed the security guards out of his way and ran out on the track to hold up the runner. It was Redman’s father, saying to his son, “You don’t have to do this.” But Derek insisted that he needed to finish the race. And so, the two of them hobbled toward the finish line. Sometimes Derek’s head was buried in pain in his father’s shoulder. The crowd watched in disbelief at first, then cheered, then wept as the two crossed the finish line.[9]
That’s the kind of friend and encourager we want to be—not someone sitting on the side lines watching and maybe even criticizing—but someone who comes along beside the other and helps that one run their race. Be an encourager—not a criticizer.
[L]OVE: is an obvious essential to human relationships.
1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
This ties in nicely with what we have already been talking about. Love covers a multitude of sins. It’s not hard to find flaws in other people—any fool can do it. If you can see what’s wrong with other people it doesn’t mean you’re a prophet—it’s not a badge of your great spirituality. It may even be an indication of your lack of genuine love.
I do believe God wants us to be discerning. But the way we handle that information says a lot about our real maturity level. If we lovingly take that information into our prayer closet and ask God to help that individual we may be of great service to the Lord. But if we point out the flaw to others the way Ham pointed out Noah’s sin to his brothers, we usually do much more harm than good.(Gen. 9:22-23)
Prov 19:11 “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”
When people get in a mode of pointing out one another’s faults, they are not going to enjoy a healthy relationship. When conflict digresses to name calling and blaming one another there is little hope for reconciliation. At some point, somebody has to turn the other cheek (so to speak) and not return slander for slander. What we’re saying may be true; but if we’re not operating in a true spirit of love we are wrong even if our facts are supportable.
[A]DMIT: your mistakes
James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...”
On the one hand, our flesh loves to point out other people’s mistakes and short coming. On the other hand, we usually have a very hard time taking responsibility for our own mistakes and flaws.
Notice the connection between proper acknowledgement of sins and healing. Sometimes we wonder why life is not working the way it ought to work. But we want to skip over this issue of confession—maybe not so much with God as with other people. We know that God already knows so in some ways it’s easier to admit our mistakes to Him. But there are reasons we shy away from admitting our errors to others. Maybe we feel it leaves us at a disadvantage in the relationship. Maybe we feel that person will take advantage of our vulnerability. It is certainly humbling to confess our faults to other people. Maybe we know that if we confess the sin what logically follows is making it right as best we can. Num 5:5-7 “The LORD said to Moses, 6 "Say to the Israelites: ’When a man or woman wrongs another in any way and so is unfaithful to the LORD, that person is guilty 7 and must confess the sin he has committed. He must make full restitution for his wrong, add one fifth to it and give it all to the person he has wronged.”
In his book, Celebration of Discipline, Richard Foster calls confession “a Reality Therapy of the best sort”.[10] Why, because it forces us to take personal responsibility. Until we own up to what we are doing wrong we are likely to live in a vicious cycle of defeat and frustration. Fixing a problem begins with identifying it and dealing with it for what it is.
That’s why vague, general confessions are not effective. There’s no healing in saying, “I’m just no good. I can’t do anything right.” There’s no healing in saying, “If you feel I have hurt you then I’m sorry.” There’s no real confess in those kind of statements. It’s when I acknowledge that when I told Sister So & So this particular thing on this particular day I violated a trust and that was wrong. When I confess with specifics like that I do some very healthy things. (1) I deal with specific behavior that can be corrected rather than general condemnation and rejection that cannot be addressed. (2) By specifically identifying what I did, I can take appropriate steps to make restitution and correct the problem to the extent possible. (3) I know specifically what not to do next time and (4) my specific confession to the offended party gives some assurance that it might not happen again. Most of the time when people try to reconcile grievances, they speak in such broad generalities that there’s little assurance that it’s not going to happen again. And that make for a very tentative relationship.
[T]RUST:
Every healthy relationship is based upon some level of mutual trust. But there’s probably not a person in this room who has not at some time or another had their trust betrayed. So how am I going to respond to that? Without going into a long discussion about forgiving others and turning loose of past offenses, let me just say that unresolved relationship issues from the past tend to come back and haunt us, especially in our capacity to trust new relationships.
One of the greatest weapons Satan uses to sabotage relationships is the weapon of fear.
Prov 29:25 says, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.”
A key to healthy relationships it the decision to trust the Lord concerning that relationship. Can I trust God to protect me concerning the relationship if I keep my heart right and do what is right toward that other person? It’s really not so much a capacity to trust people as it is a capacity to trust God concerning our relationships with people. “Whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.”
The flip side of that is this, “Fear of man will prove to be a snare..” There are many applications of that biblical principle. Here is one that we want to consider this morning. When I am operating out of fears and insecurities I am dangerous to other people. I respond inappropriately. I probably jump to false conclusions. And I may strike out in defense of myself rather than allowing the Lord to be my defense.
I have found that very few people are intentionally malicious—very few people set out to hurt other people. Most of the wounding comes from people afraid they are going to get wounded. Past conflicts rise up to haunt them and before you know it that person is responding more to an unresolved past issue than he is to the immediate reality. A fear of rejection, a fear of slander, a fear of being hurt does not make for healthy relationships.
So how do we deal with our fears and insecurities? Rather than defending our fears we face them and deal with them. We deal with any residue of unforgiveness in past relationships. We acknowledge that our feelings are not always based on fact and sound reasoning. Maybe we get an objective person to help us look more honestly at ourselves and our situations. We make a choice to trust God to protect us rather than getting into a defensive mode. Those are not always easy things to do. But if we follow old patterns we will keep getting old results.
[E]MPATHIZE: with the other person.
Eph 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
In Matt. 7:12 Jesus said, “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” NASV
In those words Jesus laid down the Golden Rule of human relationships. The principle is simple. When you are relating to other people, put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself how you would want to be treated. You would want that person to be truthful, and merciful. You would want that person to look for your interest as well as his own.
One of the definitions of Empathy in Webster’s Dictionary says it is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another...”[11]
I am going to close with a clip from the movie, “Freaky Friday”. In this fantasy, comedy Jamie Curtis plays a middle aged widow named Tess Coleman. She has met someone she loves and is about to get married. However, there is lots of conflict going on between her and her 15 year old daughter, Anna. The conflict is there because both Tess and Anna have little empathy toward one another. Each is focused on what she wants for herself and is insensitive to the other. In the movie they are mysteriously made to switch bodies and walk a mile in one another’s shoes. The only way they can switch back is to do some unselfish act for one another.
In the scene you are about to see they are entering the rehearsal dinner for the wedding. Tess has just done something unselfish for her daughter and is even ready to postpone the wedding in consideration to her daughter and her son. When you see the place shaking like an earthquake, that indicates the conditions have been met for them to switch back.
As you watch the clip, keep in mind that they are still in each other’s body.
Disney DVD “Freaky Friday” begin in Chapter 11 at 01:22:24 and end at 01:26:40[12]
NOTE: 2nd Service Ending in which we did not use the Freaky Friday Clip
Conclusion
Take a moment and ask the Lord how He might want you to apply this message to a particular relationship. Is it a relationship with a spouse, a parent, a child, a co-worker, a friend? Do you need to approach that relationship with more Respect, Encouragement, Love, Admittance of wrong, or Empathy? What specific action would the Lord have you take? (Prayer for wisdom & Guidance).
The six words we discussed this morning are all action words. The blessing is always found in the act of obedience not just in hearing the principles. Before we leave this morning we want to commit to specific action that the Lord is directing. Right there where you are, just tell the Lord what you plan to do in obedience to His leading this morning.
TEXT: Col 3:12-15
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. (from New International Version)
Richard Tow
Grace Chapel Foursquare Church
Springfield, MO
www.gracechapelchurch.org
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[1] Subject proved to be too broad and would perhaps be better as a series on relationships.
[2] Text which was read at the beginning of the service is provided at the end of this manuscript. All quotes are from New International Version unless otherwise indicated.
[3] In the second service discussed how people usually fail in their job/careers not because they can’t learn the technical side of the job but because of poor people skills. Also developed the thought that heaven will be primarily a place of relationship.
[4] The person in charge of the sound booth.
[5] 1 Cor. 6:20; 7:23 and 1 Peter 1:18-19
[6] See 1 Peter 3:7 for more insight on this.
[7] Those who murdered Jesus demonstrated this quite adequately.
[8] Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21
[9] John Yates II, sermon entitled “Finishing Strong” preached 9-6-98 at The Falls Church in Falls Church, VA (www.tfc2.org)
[10] Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline (San Francisco: Harper Collins Publishers, 1998) p. 148. Although Foster used that expression while discussing a specific kind of confession the general idea is conveyed.
[11] Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 10th ed., (Springfield, Mass.: Merriam-Webster, Inc., 1993) p. 378 (This was 2nd definition).
[12] In our first service we had group discussion of the sermon following the clip.
