First Baptist Church
June 18, 2006
Forgiveness
On January 23, 1999, missionary Graham Staines and his sons, Philip, 10, and Timothy, 8, were asleep in a vehicle in the village of Manoharpur, Orissa. Staines, who for 34 years worked in India with people who suffer from leprosy, had been conducting open-air meetings in the village. As Staines and his sons slept, a group of militant Hindus soaked the vehicle with gasoline and set it on fire, then they prevented Staines and his sons from getting out and kept would-be rescuers away.
The horrific killings called attention to increasing violence against Christians in India. But the remarkable witness of Staines’ widow, Gladys, has called attention to the overwhelming power of God’s love and forgiveness.
She said, “when Christians show that they are determined to continue in their faith, when people see that believers have a peace that others don’t have, and when people see a complete lifestyle change on the part of believers, they start asking, "What is this all about? We’ve taunted you and done this and done that, and still you stand here for Christ. Tell us what it’s all about."
After Graham’s death, everyone expected me to go back to Australia. They also expected me to take the bodies back and bury them in Australia. It never occurred to me to do such a thing. Graham and I would rather be buried in the country where we were serving. So we buried them in the cemetery at the leprosy home.
It is a tremendous witness now, as people come to the cemetery. We’ve got a gravestone inscribed with "Where, O grave, is thy victory? Where, O death, is thy sting?" (1 Corinthians 15:55).
When I was explaining to my daughter that Graham and the boys had been killed, we agreed that we would forgive those who did it. And I can say from my own experience that forgiveness brings healing.
That is an amazing testimony from Gladys Staines and her daughter. In some ways it may even sound to good to be true. How can someone just make up their mind to forgive another person, even a group of people who have killed your family? Last week I said that forgiveness is a choice, it is not a feeling. That will always hold true. We choose to forgive and we must also admit that forgiveness is not always fair.
Christian writer Philip Yancey wrote the following in his book called, “What’s So Amazing About Grace” ~ "At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God’s hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy” (page 93).
It’s not easy to do because we want to see the other person suffer in our way and time, but as Yancey says, forgiveness is really an act of faith, our faith in a loving God.
This week ends our discussion about forgiveness. As I’ve said, if we want to be generous givers of forgiveness, then we need to be generous receivers of God’s forgiveness.
Today, I want to look at some of the more practical issues of forgiveness —
A) How do I know when I have truly forgiven?
You know you have forgiven when . . .
1) you no longer think about it day and night,
2) you no longer have to talk about it all the time,
3) you no longer feel the need to seek revenge,
4) you no longer live in bitterness and anger,
5) you can recall those who hurt you and can wish them well.
B) Is forgiveness an event or a process?
The answer is yes. It is both an event in the sense that you must at some point decide to forgive. And it is a process that often must be repeated over time. Christian psychologist Larry Crabb explains that joy was never shown in his home. He tells of a time when he was 8 years old, after watching a television program and feeling really good about life he spontaneously planted a kiss on his mom’s cheek. Crabb says her reaction “was to nod stiffly, as if acknowledging a stranger on the street, with a nervous dutifulness, then she looked back at the television.” Crabb says that event helped to strengthen his narcissism. It encouraged a longing and desire for affirmation, an unhealthy dependency.” (Christianity Today, May 2003, p. 57) Crabb also has had to forgive her, he’s forgiven his mother not just once, but many times over. That may not seem like a word of hope, but in fact it is.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t a tool for manipulating people into having a good relationship with you. No one can force another person to be reconciled. That must come from a heart prompted by God’s Holy Spirit. When it comes down to it, there are 3 very good reasons to forgive that have nothing to do with the other person.
1. God has forgiven you.
2. Forgive because God has commanded it.
3. Forgive because forgiveness is good for your heart, soul, mind and body.
Any other benefits are like ice cream added to a piece of apple pie — nice but not necessary. We should practice forgiveness for God’s sake and for our own sake.
C) Does forgiveness always lead to reconciliation?
The answer is no. Forgiveness is one thing, reconciliation is something else. Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. Forgiveness depends on you. Reconciliation depends on you plus the other person. It implies confession, repentance, forgiveness, restoration of trust, and the passage of time plus a mutual desire to reconcile. Often it is not possible, sometimes it is not wise.
D) What about the person who says, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget?”
This is a very common problem and a very common statement. We all understand that God “forgets” our sins when he blots them out, puts them behind his back, and casts them into the depth of the sea. He can “forget” our sins because He’s God and has the power to do things like that. But we’re not God, and our painful memories often return to haunt us.
The Book of Hebrews speaks of God’s forgiveness of our sins. Surely if we have trouble forgetting, what about God who never forgets anything? Hebrew 10:17 quotes God as saying, “Their sins and their lawless acts I will remember no more.” Underline that last phrase, “I will remember no more.” God’s forgiveness means He chooses not to remember our sins.
Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not a feeling or a mood or a passing notion. Forgiveness does not mean we somehow wipe out of our mind the record of what happened. Forgiveness means we choose not to remember it. There is a big difference between remembering something and dwelling on it. We can all remember (if we try hard enough) things in the past that have hurt us deeply.
Forgiveness means we choose not to dwell on those things. It also means we choose not to hold a grudge against someone who has wronged us. Clara Barton, founder of the Red Cross, was talking with a friend one day. The name of a person they both know came up. Years before that person had done some very mean things to Clara. The friend asked Barton, "Don’t you remember when she did that to you?" "No" she replied, "I distinctly remember forgetting that."
E) Do I need to tell the person, “I forgive you?”
The answer is, not necessarily. Obviously if they ask for forgiveness, and if you intend to forgive then, then of course you should say, “I forgive you.” But I’m thinking about those times when we are hurt by the thoughtless comments and unkind actions of others. Most of the time it isn’t helpful to say, “I forgive you.” About 90% of the time you end up picking a fight because the person says, “I didn’t do anything that needs to be forgiven.” It helps to remember that your forgiveness doesn’t depend on them. You don’t need their permission to forgive them. You don’t need their agreement that they were wrong. Just forgive them. Choose forgiveness in your heart. And then move on with your life.
F) How do you forgive if they do not confess?
The last answer brings us to the heart of the matter. How do you — how can you — forgive those who do not — will not — cannot — own up to what they did? If they don’t ask for forgiveness, how can you forgive them? I pause to comment that this is a painful problem for many people because we live in a cruel world filled with mean people. There are folks out there who will stomp on your face and walk away laughing. And they’ll do it again and laugh again. You may work with someone like that. You may be married to someone like that. You may have had a relative who sexually abused you and has never admitted it. How do you forgive someone who has died? What about people who have moved out of your life and you have no way to confront them? You may not even know their name or where they live. What does it mean to forgive in that situation?
Writing over 400 years ago, John Calvin addressed this very question by saying there are two kinds of forgiveness. The first is the kind where the person who did the wrong admits it, comes to you asking forgiveness, you grant it and the relationship is restored. That’s the best kind. That’s the ideal. There is confession, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing.
Unfortunately, in this fallen world the ideal is not always possible. Sometimes people who have wronged us will not admit their guilt no matter what we do. In fact, sometimes they will lie to cover up the truth. Sometimes they will cut off the relationship rather than face the hard work of reconciliation. Sometimes they will keep right on hurting us on purpose.
How can you forgive in a situation like that? Calvin said you can forgive even in that situation in the sense that you let go of your anger and bitterness and refuse to let the hurt dominate your own life. True, the relationship remains broken. It may never be healed. But you can choose not to remember the sins of others. You can choose to wipe the slate clean so that your life is free from bitterness. That’s not easy, but it’s far better than living in the past nursing a wounded spirit. It’s also biblical in the example of Jesus, who, when he hung on the cross, an innocent man put to death for crimes he did not commit, prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Some people really don’t know what they are doing. Some know full well, but refuse to admit it. Jeremiah reminds us in 17:9-10 ~ "The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be."
You see, God can look into our heart and soul, and He understands, He knows what we are up to. We cannot hide from God, not our thoughts, not our actions. So, when you are wondering why someone does what they do, especially when it does not make sense . . . trust that God knows; and place your trust and faith in God’s hands.
G) What about the feelings of anger and unforgiveness that keep coming back?
How do we deal with the feelings of anger that keep coming back even after we forgive someone? That’s a fairly common problem, especially when we feel deeply and repeatedly mistreated. In one of her writings, Corrie Ten Boom tells of some Christian friends who wronged her in a public and malicious way. For many days, she was bitter and angry until she forgave them. But in the night she would wake up thinking about what they had done and get angry all over again. That memory just would not go away. After 2 sleepless weeks, help came in the form of a Lutheran pastor to whom she confessed her frustration. He told her, “Corrie, up in the church tower is a bell that is rung by pulling on a rope. When the sexton pulls the rope, the bell rings . . . ding-dong, ding-dong. What happens if he doesn’t pull the rope again? Slowly the sound fades away. Forgiveness is like that. When we forgive someone, we take our hand off the rope. But if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for awhile. They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down.”
So it’s not surprising if after forgiveness, for a while the memories keep coming back. If you refuse to dwell on them, slowly they will fade away. Why? When you forgive, you let go of the rope and the force is gone out of your anger.
Going back to the story about Graham Staines, his wife, Gladys concludes her story by stating,
“I’ve heard many stories of people who have come to Christ after seeing the way that I have accepted it all.
I heard a story from someone in a neighboring state who was distributing tracts. One man who received a tract asked, "Is this the same Jesus that [Gladys Staines] believes in?"
"Yes," the Christian said.
The man replied, "I want to know that Jesus."
