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PASTORAL SEARCH COMMITTEE OF THE FIRST LUKEWARM CHURCH


I was recently contacted by a pulpit committee that was interested in my ministry. I met with Chairman of the Disenchanted, Bro Tepid. He described his church; First Lukewarm Church of the Apathetic. “Nothing too boring, nothing too exciting. We want it to fit into our American Culture Christianity. No songs too slow, no songs too fast. Nothing from the ancient songs and nothing after the 70’s.” Nothing ever challenging. We want encouragement and comfort.”


He sang to me the Churches Theme Song.

“Sitting on the premises of Christ our friend.

Through eternal ages let the service end.

Glutted to the highest we will moan and sing.

Sitting on the premises and dead.

Sitting on the premises, sitting on the premises,

Sitting on the premises of Christ our servant.

Sitting on the premises, sitting on the premises,

We’re sitting on the premises and dead.”


He proudly described the Church as irresolute and uncommitted. He introduced to me the other committee members; Bobby Bored, Connie Cool. He described the great teachings the women received who participated in the Church’s The Women’s Indifference Society. There seemed to be great growth in one class; The Mellow Sunday School Class. They were excited about an upcoming event; The Men’s Worldly and Wise Conference. An upcoming revival was going to be led by The Reverend Marvin Mundane. The church had started the Spiritless Seniors group who were going to focus on traveling to entertainment locations like Branson Missouri and Las Vegas. This would bring the Church back into balance because of the growing the Unresponsive Youth Program.


They were looking for a pastor who could scratch their ears, stir their emotions, help their self-esteem, complement their current spiritual condition and validate their unchanging ministries and priorities. On the bright side, they were going to pay well and the benefits were killer.


The problem? That pig won’t swim.


(From a sermon by Tim White, When Pigs Can’t Swim, 8/22/2011)

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