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It’s Easter time. Time to eat all the candy and marshmallow eggs. Time to pig out. There’s gotta be a nicer word for pig out. A euphemism, as it were. Hey, try to think up a nicer word for euphemism. And while you’re at it, think up a shorter word for abbreviation. And a synonym for Thesaurus.

And why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Microsoft Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why don’t you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why are there Braille labels at drive-up ATMs? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

And why is the resurrection of Jesus Christ such a big deal?

I mean, there’s gotta be an if/then relationship. If Jesus rose from the dead ... then what? We deal with if/then statements every day. For example, Chris Baker said at one point in his life, "If I go to medical school, then I can be a doctor." Columbus said, "If the world is round, then I can get to the East by sailing west." Enrico Fermi said, "If we can just split the atom, then it’s gonna produce a whole lot of energy." Bill Gates said, "If I copied the Apple-Macintosh desktop, then people would like Microsoft Windows more." Keith Hoerig said, "If I learn to play the bass guitar, then I can get hot chicks."

So ... what’s the big if/then statement for the resurrection? If Jesus rose from the dead ... then what? What are the implications? Does it affect my life more than the fact that I live in 2002 “A.D.”? If Jesus Christ rose from the dead, then does that affect what time I get up in the morning?

If Jesus rose from the dead, then does it affect my situation at school or what’s going to happen at work tomorrow? If Jesus rose from the dead, then does it affect what T. Rex will do to Interstate 25, and what kind of season the Broncos will have this year?

SOURCE: Mike Sares in "The If/Thens of Easter" on

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