Sermon Illustrations

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the

world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.


Hi. Now you say something.


Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you

can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.


Hello. I am David’s answering machine. What are you?


Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just

eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if

you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it

up to the phone.


Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their

carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not

need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and

number and they will get back to you.


This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-

recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for

calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your



Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.

Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.


Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then...

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