A tired hunter out in the wilderness stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you,” he said. “I’ve been lost for three days.” “Don’t get too excited, friend,” the other hunter replied. “I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

"Cash, check or charge?" A clerk asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet the clerk noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the clerk asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

A husband asked his wife, “What do you do with all that grocery money I give you?” She replied, “Stand in front of the mirror and turn sideways.”