Conflict Management In Your Marriage Series

OPENING

SENTENCE: Vaunda had an aunt who had been married for over forty years to the same man before he passed away long before her.

INTRODUCTION: When they were both alive Vaunda and I would travel south to visit with them in Monterey, California and they were always very welcoming and enjoyable to be with. But to hear them talk to each other you would have thought they hated each other. And, when he was gone off to work and the gals were talking with each other, she seldom had much good to say about him. Probably, had she been brought up in our contemporary iWorld, she would have divorced him early only on. But, in years past you stuck it out- and they both stuck it out.

Ironically, when he finally passed away you would have thought her world had fallen apart- and in a real sense it did. She went into a depression and commented regularly on how much she missed him and how empty her life had become since he passed away. What appeared to us a barely tolerant co-existence was, in reality, a deeply embedded commitment that bonded them even in their adversity.

This story makes a very important point which is, “The presence of conflict in a relationship is not necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship.” Conflict can be a normal part of a relationship and is destructive only when one feels threatened. Vaunda’s aunt illustrates that people in the past years may have understood that better than today.

TRANSITION

SENTENCE: So what is it about much of the conflict we see that can be so destructive?

TRANSITION: This morning I want us to see that destructive marital conflict is driven by a sense of desperation that is grounded in a threat to one’s self. There are numerous examples of destructive conflict in the Bible but I want us to look at one in particular- the account of David and Absalom.

SAY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY: I want to ask, “What can we learn from David and Absalom about understanding destructive conflict?” We will look at three things. First, we will see that conflict operates at two levels. Second, at the emotional level destructive conflict is a feeling of desperation that leads to a drastic action. Third, we to acquire skills and knowledge about how to deal with conflict wisely.

TEXT: 2 Samuel 14:1-15:37

THEME: We reduce destructive marital conflict when we identify and address the source of desperation that drives it.

What can we learn from David and Absalom about understanding conflict?

EXPLAIN

SETTING: In order for us to understand the nature of the conflict between David and Absalom we need to understand the setting. David, who scripture regularly identifies as, “A man after God’s own heart” had allowed himself to succumb to the temptations of power, sex, and pride that led him to make some destructive decisions. David saw the beautiful Beth Sheba bathing on a rooftop and lusted after her. As a man of power he used his position to seduce her and in the process she conceived a child- all while her husband had been off to war. You know the story. To hide his sin David arranged to have her husband Uriah return from battle, hoping he would have sexual relations with her and claim the child was Uriah’s. The plan did not work. As a man of honor, Uriah refused to enjoy the pleasures of marriage while his squadron was off suffering the hardships of war. David then did something even more hideous- he sent Uriah to the front lines knowing full well he would be killed. In a real sense, David murdered Uriah- a sin that the prophet Nathan late exposed and for which David repented.

This evil decision set the course for a series of unfortunate events for David. Events that eventually led to a devastating conflict between him and his beloved son Absalom. First, his status as a good and honest man after God’s heart is now damaged. Second, his identify as a father is severely affected. His child born by Beth Sheba died and he believed his death was a consequence of his sin. But, it also impacted his other relationships as a father.

For instance, his son Amnon was impacted by his Fathers indiscretion by a loss of respect for David and by a damaged sense of moral discernment. In I Samuel 13, we are told Amnon desired his brothers Absalom’s daughter Tamar so much he had her brought to his home under false pretenses then sent his servants away and raped her. Immediately after, detested Tamar and set her up to have her to face the shame alone. It didn’t work. Word got out to both David and Absalom. David, who as king and as a father, should have punished Amnon- instead he did nothing. Probably, because of his own shame.