Summary: Making sense of bereavement in God's love.
But I Don't Know About You I'm Not Crying Anymore!
Dr. Gale A. Ragan-Reid (8/28/2013)
“This is the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah” (Psalms 24:6, King James Version, KJV [The confidence in God's grace])...”When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek” (Psalms 27:8, KJV [David resorteth unto God]).
Greetings in the Name of Christ Jesus,
One day, I found myself bereft, not knowing what to think or say. The caller spoke in a soft tone that tore out my heart. She said, “He passed.” I entered a zone of strange proportions that left me so empty inside, it was nothing but the blood of Jesus that contained me and kept me grounded in my skin.
I heard her say, something about the surgery, was a success but after the surgery, we lost him to a heart attack. We had the service, yesterday, that's why we were not here. I said, “This is difficult, for me, let me call you back.” There comes a time in your life, when you do not want to explain. I should have been there.
I wanted to be there.
I lost my friend. I did not want to rationalize the injustices of the day yet I thought. My God! How great thou art?
I am going to act like this was not my country. I was going to act like I recently came from distant shores, so the struggle was still poignantly resonating, with each heartbeat, for I needed to say this place, this country, was unknown, to fight the good fight. I wanted to feel the joy of coming to a distant land in year one, sowing all I had, and in year 5, abundantly reaping the blessings of Christ Jesus, while all along the way, being blessed, each and every day, by those who called this place their home; citizens. I am going to act like I am not entitled, so I hunger and thirst, even thou my meager provisions sustained me for the day and maybe the night, if, I do not eat, too much, then, I might save, enough, for another day. I am going to act like God loved me, too, and take on all my challenges; yokes of oppressions, holding me back, down, and out, of where I needed to be, where I needed to go, where I felt God wanted me, so, He could talk to me about life everlasting; eternal life and the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus, until the moon was no more and the sun ceased to shine.
I wanted to be loved by God and of God, no matter what my moments of distress and present circumstances, said to me, I wanted to hear God speak to me, I wanted to feel Christ, in me, loving me, for all the wrong I've done and for all the times I was slighted, overlooked, even ashamed of myself. Yet, in spite of it all, I wanted the God, in me, Christ Jesus, to hear my Father, God Almighty, speak to me, to comfort me, when I did not have the money to pay the bills, forget considering travel expenses or the money to buy food for myself, not to mention the food for my dear overworked pets that labored day and night to secure our home, under God's sky, for there were those folks, restless souls, without hope for a brighter day than the day, they lived yesterday, wandering in the wilderness, with no place to call home, no place to go, in their hearts and in their minds, who would hurt you, even kill you, just because they, too, needed to hear God, to know God's love covered them, so they could rest assure, in that knowledge.
I wanted God to tell me about the refuge of Christ Jesus, a place even I could go, to keep the workers of Satan that tried to convince me that I was an unwanted soul, dregs of society, a detested individual, no one cared for but the devil was a liar. I wanted to feel the love of God, in me. I know the love of God, inside of me and it was that love that would not let me go. I was at peace yet I wanted the peace of Christ Jesus that gave you rest in your darkest hour, for I only knew the depth of the darkness that came with hearing, “He passed”.
I was in the peace of Christ Jesus' glorious morning. I did not care what darts of ill-will manifested in a dream state of despair. I was in the peace of His glorious mid-day. I did not care, who stepped all over my rights and denied me; I fought back.