Summary: Whether married or single, relating well to people includes conflict, so you may as well learn to fight well and to fight fair.
1. • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. —Rodney Dangerfield
2. Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, honey,” I said sweetly, “without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.” “Honey,” he replied with a grin, “without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
—Valerie L. Runyan, in Reader’s Digest (cited in Nelson’s Complete Book of Stories).
A. When you get married, you bring three sets of preferences into the relationships
1. Things you both like
2. Things you like that differ but compliment one another
3. Things you like that differ and do not compliment one another (the fuel for arguments)
B. If you know how – or if you learn – to fight fair, your marriage is almost guaranteed to do well. If you fight unfairly, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be miserable. If you both avoid confrontation, your relationship is almost guaranteed to be lackluster and mediocre; you will not be very close.
C. Most of these principles are the same ones you would use with close friends – with anyone who cares about you. Not all of them work for people in general.
Main Idea: Whether married or single, relating well to people includes conflict, so you may as well learn to fight well and to fight fair.
I. The Right ATTITUDE about Disagreements or Arguments
A. TERMINOLOGY of Conflict
The difference between a disagreement, an argument, and a quarrel
(this is a distinction I am making; this is not an exact science)
1. A DISAGREEMENT
2. An ARGUMENT
when we argue, we are trying to address a disagreement (debating)
Acts 18:28 For he vigorously refuted the Jews in public debate, proving from the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ.
an argument need not be loud or overly passionate; it is usually better if is not so loud and emotions are under control…this is more likely if disagreements are addressed at an early stage and thoroughly.
3. A QUARREL
an argument can easily turn into a quarrel, something we should try to avoid
in a quarrel, there is more at stake than the disagreement: ego, looking good, superiority, power (who gets his or her way), revenge…truth is no longer the issue
James 4:1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?
Proverbs 20:3 Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, But any fool will quarrel.
B. Disagreements and Arguments can be compatible with love and God’s will, but an argument can easily violate love and God’s will
1. Sometimes it is wrong not to argue.
Calmness and quiet is not the same as harmony.
2. A fair argument can resolve problems and make a couple closer.
An unfair argument can create more problems that it resolves and create distance.
Couples fight over everything, but the "big three" are
1. money management (the most common)
3. Frequent arguments indicate deeper issues; we must choose our fights based on what is worth fighting for