Summary: All My Life. All for Him.
In the Aftermath of (Dis)grace
I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So the life I now live in the body, I live because of the faithfulness of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
“Because of the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross, I’ve been forgiven of the countless sins I’ve committed.” -CJ Mahaney
Standing in front of a mirror, gazing at my reflection, knowing nothing will be the same. I ran my hands under the water and then over my head, wishing I could erase history; my history. I hate myself. I hate the things I’ve done; I hate the things I do. I have a list of failures etched into my memory.
I remember this burning desire I had when I was called to pastoral ministry. The desire was to be sin free. Not sin less (since I am stained with corruptible flesh) but sin free. In essence, I wanted to be that guy who was truly “above reproach.” I didn’t want any hidden sins in my life to haunt me and I didn’t want to be in pursuit of sin.
I remember when I entered into my undergraduate program I made this vow that I would not engage in a relationship with a woman. It wasn’t that I had been in a bad relationship but rather I wanted my only focus to be on school work. Being a full time student, serving at the local church and holding a job was more than enough.
At my vocation, I met some really attractive woman too. The road to being single was long and hard as I found myself pushing aside my desires to be with someone. At times it was fairly easy since I would strike up conversations with women and as soon as they learned I was a “church boy” and pursuing a pastoral ministry degree, red lights went off in their heads. All of a sudden, any apparent interest was shut off.
I got by just fine. I struggled here and there being alone but I managed. Then, one day, out of the blue, I met someone. I was about seven weeks away from completing my undergraduate program and shortly thereafter I would begin seminary.
I struggled with the decision to be in a relationship because I remember I had a vow I had made. I made the vow at the very beginning of pursuing a degree and I never really knew where that would lead. To be honest, I thought I would simply spend a year or so pursuing an undergraduate diploma in Theology with my concentration in Biblical studies. That was the end of the road for me.
I finally made the decision to be in a relationship and as I look back, it wasn’t a good decision. I made a really good friend for the time being and spend all of my time with her. Yet, the relationship became inappropriate. I knew it was wrong and my heart was always returning to the cross of Christ.
When we broke up, I was left with emptiness in my heart and a hurt that I so desperately wanted to fill. I began chasing after more inappropriate relationships for a season simply to fill a void in my heart. In the end, I found myself alone, broken, empty and hurt. I had become what I hated-a hypocrite. I had done what I stood against-immorality.