Parenting Skills

Parenting Skills (Eph. 4:15-20)

Too often parents attempts to resolve conflicts ends in a yelling session with their children. Eventually, parents use more powerful threats and children become more hunkered down in their defenses. To think through conflicts one needs the power of the Holy Spirit in a way that exhibits the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. Effective parenting is only possible through the power of the Holy Spirit. Paul once wrote, "It is God who is at work in us both to will and to do of His good pleasure." (Phil. 2:14)

In times of sharp disagreement the only way to resolve deep seated differences of opinion between parents and children is to bring to bear the power of Christ’s love working through the Spirit’s leading. As the wisdom of the experience gives one greater discernement we are able to grow in maturity in regards to our interpersonal relationships. The writer of Hebrews once wrote, "Solid food is for the mature who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil."(Heb 5:14) Let us look at the following guidelines to help parents and children resolve conflicts that left untreated can wreck homes and shatter lives.

1. Pick your battles. Realize that many disagreements are not worth fighting over.

2. Let the Lord fight the real battles that seem too difficult to resolve. Our might God is greater than any problem. He is able to give us the grace that is sufficient for any complex relationship.

3. When you sense unresolved conflicts it may be that someone in the family is unable to surrender their anger to the Lord’s control. James writes, "What is the source of conflicts and quarrels among you? Is it not your own desires that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have so you fight and quarrel. You are envious and do not obtain so you fight." (James 4:1-4)

4. Focus your attentions on the priorities of the Lord rather than on any one individual. Many of our conflicts happen because we are not setting our perspectives on things above rather than our earthly concerns. (Col. 3:1-4)

5. Realize that everybody needs to release their anger from time to time, but allow for periods of ventilation. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, writes Paul. When you are able to disagree without being disagreeable then you are able to let the Lord be the Master of your emotions as well as your thoughts.

6. Consider that there are different personality types that react uniquely. Study the way that cholerics, phlegmatics, melancholies and sanguines respond to conflicts. Knowing how each person generally views conflicts will help you appreciate the other person’s point of view.

7. Accept one another just as Christ has accepted us. (Romans 15:7) Know that each person has to be taken for where they are at in their growth stage. Some people, who are adults, are yet to grow up in all aspects into Christ. We are not responsible for other peoples’ actions, only our own.

8. Consider a whole range of alternative solutions to each problem. Just do not automatically insist that this is the way your parents responded to a conflict. Ask the Lord for wisdom, knowledge and love to respond properly with each new problem.

9. Choose the best time and place to resolve conflicts. Often, the reason for poor conflict resolving techniques has to do with poorly chosen timing and selection of the worst venue.

10. Be willing to listen long and with attention. The number one reason why conflicts are not solved is usually traced to poor listening.

11. Ask other parent’s for their ideas in coming up with creative solution for solving problems. The Lord wisely put us in a fellowship of believers so that we are able to learn and grow from their wisdom, encouragment and experiences.

12. As much as possible try to boil conflicts down to simple one to one relational or communicational difficulties. Do not let matters be blown out of proportion. Keep a balance between the macroscopic and the microscopic matters of your family life.

13. Choose the words carefully and speak in a soft tone of voice. Solomon, a wise parent once wrote, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up strife." (Prov. 15:1)

14. Be willing to admit your faults, shortcomings or lack of knowledge. Everybody is more accepting of someone who is willing to show they are in the process of learning, growing and maturing in Christ. (Eph. 4:15)