Time and time again we hear about people “falling out of love” and deciding that their relationship just isn’t worth keeping. They decide to go and file for a divorce because the luster that was there just doesn’t exist any more. Teenagers act much the same way having a different boyfriend or girlfriend every few weeks or every couple of months. They say they love the other person in the relationship but in all honesty they haven’t even begun to understand what love is in the first place. Fickle and fad-like affection has been running rampant for the last three decades and shows no signs of stopping in the near future. It has become a now common statistic that the rate of divorce in the church now exceeds the rate of divorce in the world. (51% found in the church and 50% found in the world). Why is this? Has the church done something wrong or have we lost the biblical meaning of the idea of love?
History has many precedents that apply to this idea of the need for human relationships. One scholar tells a gruesome story about what happens when babies do not get tender and loving care. “We can live only in relationships. We need each other. A rather crude and cruel experiment was carried out by Emperor Frederick, who ruled the (Holy) Roman Empire in the thirteenth century. He wanted to know what man’s original language was: Hebrew, Greek, or Latin? He decided to isolate a few infants from the sound of the human voice. He reasoned that they would eventually speak the natural tongue of man. Wet nurses who were sworn to absolute silence were obtained, and though it was difficult for them, they abided by the rule. The infants never heard a word—not a sound from a human voice. Within several months they were all dead.”
Loving relationships hold an extremely important part of our development not only as persons but as Christians as well. Just as a child needs a loving and nurturing environment to grow up emotionally healthy and stable, so does the Christian need the love of God and of fellow Christians to grow stronger spiritually. Both will live and act just like those who modeled it for them. If children grow up with bickering and abusive parents, they too will someday grow to be the same. Christians tend to have the same habit. If they are raised in a hypocritical environment, then their tendency will be to become exactly like those they lived with. John 13:34 says “"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."” Jesus spent his entire ministry explaining what God meant by all the laws he had given in the Old Testament such as do not murder. Jesus explained that hating a brother was the same as murdering them but here Jesus gives a new command. We must love just like Christ loves us. However society has skewed the meaning of the word love and examples are sometimes few and far between. We will look at the definition and several examples of love. Lastly we will look at the “so what” of the command from Christ.
The Definition – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
American English makes using the term “love” very difficult because the term can be expressed for just about anything and have almost any connotation. Love can mean like such as in “I love pizza.” It can have a sexual connotation as well such as “making love.” It can also have the idea of infatuation or puppy love which can usually be found between teenagers many times. Let’s not forget the slight differences we make between love of a family member such as your wife and your children and the love of a relative such as your brother, sister, mother, and father. Children have a funny way of dealing with someone who says love a lot. “Well, if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” Still, the uses for the word get even deeper and darker such as how society uses it today. The terms lust and love have become synonymous in the culture we live in today where outer beauty and the ability to flaunt it add up to attraction. This “attraction” appeals not to the whole of a person but to their desires. Trends in fashion continue to press towards the inevitable day when nobody will wear cloths at all. String bikinis make a perfect example of how this is happening. The world has taken a wonderful idea and turned it into a corrupt and evil way of living.
The terms for love had been corrupted long before the Bible was actually compiled into a single book. The Greeks and Romans both adhered to the taboo “love” called bisexuality. They refused to accept homosexuality by itself but so long as it was accompanied by a person of the opposite gender, it was ok. Onto this scene came Jesus Christ, the apostles, and the Bible. The love chapter, as it’s called, found in 1 Corinthians 13 summarizes the idea of what love is and what love isn’t. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails.” Now that we’ve been overwhelmed with this massive list lets look at each piece quickly. There are two sides to the list; the do’s and the don’ts. Love helps a person be patient with others failures and kind hearted. A heart filled with love always wants to hear the truth, always look out for others, always believes in others, always keeps its hope in Christ, and always withstands the test of time. On the other side of the coin, love doesn’t desire what others have, does not brag about itself, and does not put themselves above others. Love does not act mean and does not intentionally look out for number 1. It never counts the faults of someone else, especially to use against them and never desires to do evil. That should go down into the Guinness world book of records for the longest and most accurate definition of a word.
We have two completely contradictory definitions of love and yet we have to interact with each one every day. The television, the newspaper, the radio and almost any other device used for communication can be found completely filled with today’s idea of what love should really be. Have you ever read the article in the Quincy-Herald found near the funnies section? You now know which section I read the most diligently. The articles found in the funny section resemble “Dear Annie” articles. A person writes in about their love-life problems and some person responds in the paper. Read these articles and listen to the “sound advice.” Their definition of love soon becomes apparent as most of their notes have to do with desires. When you go to work you may very well hear from your co-worker that she cannot find the “right” guy or that he had another one night stand. Your beliefs will directly conflict with their ideas of calling love as lust. What do you do? Do you butt in and correct their misguided view of love? Do you quietly dismiss yourself because you shouldn’t get involved? If you haven’t conflicted with those around you, then you have either avoided non-Christians or you aren’t living for your faith.
The Examples – 1 Samuel 18-20
Maybe some examples of the idea of Biblical love would be a good idea. Let’s start with a friendship sewed together by a love for God. David and Jonathan had a rather rare relationship with each other that isn’t found often both in the Bible and in the real world. 1 Samuel 18:1-4 records their introduction to each other: “Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor including his sword and his bow and his belt.” The love shared between the two men was totally kosher; unlike what the liberals would say, David and Jonathan were not gay. God would have punished David severely for such a sin as this. Jonathan would have done most anything for David. His love had no bounds. Soon Saul begins to hate David because David would soon succeed the throne of Israel. Finally, Saul ran David out and so he ran away. Jonathan could not stand having his beloved friend run away so he decided to test the king and then report back to David. Once Jonathan found out that Saul was prepared to kill David, he reported it to David and sent him out of the kingdom for his safety. Jonathan put himself in mortal danger by protecting David and yet continued to support him even if it meant losing his own life. This was a very rare relationship indeed.
An even better example exists in scripture however than even Jonathan and David. Jesus Christ himself set the ultimate example of what it meant to love others. In each and every instance where he dealt with others, he gave the perfect response whether it was a rebuke or an encouragement. In all cases, he loved the people he dealt with. I say this with Matthew 23:33 where Jesus calls the Pharisees a “brood of vipers.” Some would say that this was an unloving way to address them however Jesus was directly calling them what they were acting like. The Pharisees brought death to the people by their blatant hypocrisy. People forget that hard love is real love. Correcting someone for wrong doing or saying no to a disobedient child is not being mean or rude but being a good parent (I hope I remember this but if I forget, I expect all of you to help me remember). Jesus had to do a lot of tough love during his ministry here on earth. Honestly, tough love may be the most important form of love. Correcting someone may be the hardest thing in the world to do but it can also set them on the right path. However, nothing can compare to the love he showed by going to the cross. You see, He chose to go and no one in the universe could have forced Him. How many of you would willingly die for a stranger that you had never met? Jesus did that. He said “No greater love can a man have than this that he lay down his life for his friends.” He also followed through with it as well.
Those are two great Biblical examples but how about some modern ones. Amy and I began our “relationship” in college at the beginning of our freshman year. We found characteristics in each other that we really enjoyed. We dated for a year and then chose to get engaged. We waited for one more year before we decided it was time to marry and we both believe that was on year too soon. We missed out on a very important part of the relationship we should have built prior to getting married. Simply put, the love we had for each other wasn’t that of a mature love but that of a foolish couple resolving to be together. We didn’t take the time needed to develop the deep roots of true Biblical love in our relationship and that became very apparent in our first year of marriage. We quickly found out that the things we adored about each other soon faded into the things we hated the most. I thought it was funny that she was a very flighty person and she enjoyed my seriousness about work and organization. Now my organization drives her bonkers and her not remembering things irritates me to no end. The realities of real life and marriage sank in quickly. We had missed out on the real meaning of Biblical love and had to learn it from scratch. Love means caring for her when her heads over the toilet because she’s pregnant. Love means cleaning up after the kids after they puke on the carpet. Love means caring for his needs when his back or pride goes out. Biblical love is real, active, and sometimes gross and messy.
The So What – John 13:35
What are we to do with this information? What does it matter? Listen to John 13:35. “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” How else should people recognize Jesus from all of the other religions and all of the others ways to “enlightenment” except genuine love? The hippies had their hay-day with their free love notion and yet that fad failed miserably in the end. Why? Why do so many marriages fail? Why do we find so many people desperate to find someone who will love them? This world doesn’t have it and never has. That’s why. Only in Jesus Christ can anyone find the love they are looking for and only through his vessels will they see it. Only through us will they see the love of Jesus Christ.
Maybe the need for this kind of love isn’t outside the church but right here on the inside. Let me ask you some direct questions. How is your marriage? What is it based on? Have you been arguing and bickering at each other? Do you feel like contacting a divorce lawyer because you just can’t see how it will ever work out? Have you fallen out of love for that person you once adored? Have you looked into the love Jesus describes or are you still looking for whatever you can get out of the relationship? If every complaint you have against your spouse has to do with what you want from them then it is your heart that is in the wrong place. Yes, they may have a problem but you need to take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the speck out of theirs. If you want your marriage to change directions then listen to this story.
“Newspaper columnist and minister George Crane tells of a wife who came into his office full of hatred toward her husband. “I do not only want to get rid of him, I want to get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me." Dr. Crane suggested an ingenious plan "Go home and act as if you really love your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him. After you’ve convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, and then drop the bomb. Tell him that you’re getting a divorce. That will really hurt him." With revenge in her eyes, she smiled and exclaimed, "Beautiful, beautiful. Will he ever be surprised!" And she did it with enthusiasm. Acting "as if." For two months she showed love, kindness, listening, giving, reinforcing, and sharing. When she didn’t return, Crane called. "Are you ready now to go through with the divorce?" "Divorce?" she exclaimed. "Never! I discovered I really do love him." Her actions had changed her feelings. Motion resulted in emotion. The ability to love is established not so much by fervent promise as often repeated deeds.”
If we are to be known by our love then we had better shape up and start breaking that rule of 51% of marriages ending from the church. Our friendships and our families need to reflect the love of Jesus Christ. That’s the so what of loving relationships.
The world we live in and the world we serve should be two different places. Society’s ideas of love have proven their worthlessness in the way people feel empty and undesired. The love of Christ fulfills our needs and shows us how much we are worth to our almighty creator. To a lost and dying world, nothing more could ever be shown to them. If you don’t believe that they desire to have such a love, read your newspaper about the suicides and check out how many people sign up for dating services. A loving relationship contains something much deeper and more involved than the shallow loved advocated by this world. David and Jonathan had something more between them than a common bond. Jesus Christ shared this “something” with the world; it is called the love of God. The only way people will every recognize us is if we truly look like the Christ we profess to believe in. Our marriages and our friendships should be held together with a stronger bond than just common interests.
Real love means sacrifice. My wife and I have been thinking seriously about her bearing this child into the world. One day she finally asked me what I would do if we had to make a choice between her and the baby. I had thought about it long and hard and didn’t want either to die. I finally came to the decision that the child must live because Amy would go to heaven. I told her that she would have the final say because if she said let me live that would override my vote according to the doctors. She agreed however that the child must live. My brother wouldn’t make that decision. He would choose his wife. Christian love is different! Loving relationships marks us as real Christians. Do you have the mark?
