THE JOURNEY OF FORGIVENESS
THEME: FORGIVENESS IS EMPOWERED THROUGH BEING FORGIVEN.
TEXT: MATTHEW 18:23-35
You are stupid Matthew. I must have heard that line over two hundred times over a period of two months. It was 2002 in Bedford, Texas, at the Brown Trail School of preaching. Everett one of the instructors whom was in charge of the student body decided that I had a pride problem that he was going to solve. He also decided that I was not firmly grounded in the truth according to the school. So for the next two months, I was required to meet with him for lunch. During these periods of lunch, he would assign extra work for me to complete and to evaluate. Some of the books that were assigned I was already meant to read, but I had to read them again. I guess he did not feel that I took in all the necessary information during the first go around. I was supposed to address what parts of the book I agreed and disagreed with. It took me awhile to realize that I was supposed to agree with everything in the books.
Everett must not have felt that I was developing as quickly as he expected so he called in my former roommate to help put on the pressure. My first roommate and I never really seemed to click. We were opposites in most directions. He moved out by the end of the first year because he got married. So instead of one person interrogating me, I had two. Everett and my former roommate were good friends, and it was hard for me to not feel teamed up on.
Each session was getting worst and worst. I feel that any good intention Everett had was dropping quickly. He seemed intent on showing me for what I really was. He kept declaring that everyone thought I was such a nice person, but he really knew the true Matthew. It was like a personal Vedanta. I would be the first to admit I have a pride problem. I will be the first to admit I got numerous character flaws, but these sessions were more of the witch trails in Salem. These sessions would run over into class as Everett pounded his message in my head. Today, I am not sure about all the conversation back and forth. All I remember is being insulted. I would start crying and confessing that I was stupid for not believing this or that. Everett would continue to remind me that I wasted my time at Brown Trail. I am not the brightest person around. But I remember it was not pleasant to be reminded of the fact. Walking out of those meetings made me feel like a piece of dirt. I was worthless and weak. Everett told me that I would never make it as a preacher and I should just quit trying.
Personally, I did not know what to do. I was at this school with no family. I knew no one in the city that was not part of the church. I felt alone. It was like walking into the ring for a fight and having two people team up on you hitting you over and over again. I just hoped that it would come to an end. I was just a kid and the bully would not leave me alone.
I hated Everett, I hated going to school to be belittled. I hated life. I started getting nosebleeds because of the stress I was feeling. I did not want to get kicked out of school. I did not break any moral rule. I did not do poorly in class. I had straight “A” through out school. What did I do to deserve this? Finally, the meetings stopped. At that point I was just looking forward to graduating school. I made it through. But on the last day of school I had one more oral exam with Everett. I was shocked when Everett one more time attacked me. It was the worst yet. He put his face into my face and was yelling at me at the top of his lungs. You are stupid Matthew. You will never amount to anything. You are a failure. I could not believe it. I was on my way out and he is taking the time to abuse me some more. I think he was hoping that I would hit him so I would be kicked out of school before graduation. Fortunately, I did not; I just put my head down and prayed that it would be fast. I finally left his office. I thought I was home free until he called me in the office again. One more time, he let me have it. This time I did not cry, be honest I was not paying any attention to him. It was the last trail, and I was not going to give him the satisfaction of beating me up one more time. He dismissed me and I walked out.
Maybe you have felt the same way. Maybe you have had someone mistake you. Some people in here know what it is like to be abused. People in here know what it is like to have an unloving father or a selfish mother. Few people can travel through like with receive scars from brothers or sisters in the Lord. Unfortunately, Christian people do not always treat each other in loving ways. Christian people can steal spouses, ruin reputations, spread rumors, and simply be rude to each other. So how do we handle forgiveness? The Bible commands us to forgive one another. Colossians 3:13 “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”
Did you try to stuff the pain like I did? During the graduation at the congregation at Brown Trail, I told Everett that I forgave him for what he did to me. I am sure this meant nothing to him, and he interpreted it as another sign of my pride. But I felt this was the right thing to do. I did this because of the command to forgive. But the pain did not go away. I never truly forgive. Forgiveness is not that simple. I thought that I could just say the words “I forgive you” and everything in my heart would be fine. I wanted to have the attitude of Christ on the Cross. Jesus cried out “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” But I am not Jesus and my heart is not that pure.
I just thought that I could ignore the pain. I was at Heritage Christian University now. I made it through Brown Trail. Everett was gone forever, but the pain was still in me. I was bitter, mad, and hurt. Thousands of miles could not deaden the pain. There were nights that I could not sleep thinking about what I would say to Everett if I got the chance. I wrote hundreds of letters in my head wanting to rebuke him for his actions. I wanted revenge too. I wanted him to be fired for what he did. Should I write the elders of the congregation and tell them of his actions. Many nights I planned my revenge on this man.
There was a part of me that wanted to call him and let him know what he did. I wanted him to repent of his actions. I knew the verses in Matthew 18:15-17 “"And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer.” But he would not repent; he felt he was doing service to God. He felt he was in the right. If I went to him, he might think he got to me even more. The last thing I wanted was to show weakness again. Like I needed him to make me feel better.
So what was I going to do? I am bitter, I am hurt, and I want to see him hurt in return. First of all, I realized that this was an account that the Lord will settle. I wanted Justice. I had no power and I did not feel that it was right for me to write the elders of Brown Trail and cause trouble. The last thing I wanted was another fight. So I leaned upon the promise of God. Paul tells us this principle. “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord” (Rom. 12:17-19). I did not have to worry about revenge. Everett was going to pay for what he did. If he repented later on, great, if not, God would settle this account. I trusted that God knew what was right, and he would solve the problem.
Ultimately, the Lord did solve the problem. After about two years, after I was gone from the school, Everett was fired by the Elders for mistreating the school body. I was not the only one that he attacked. I was the first but not the last. It was revealed that Everett had some serious problems. God brought justice. My actions toward a brother are to be kind. God can look after his business.
Another way I realized healing for this event was through looking at myself. Everett seriously hurt me emotional. I was scarred. But through that event I realized a lot about my behavior. It was not like I have not hurt other people. It was not like I am perfect. How could I not forgive Everett when I have hurt others? It made me come to understand that my past history, that I have damaged people as well. I have done things to others that I am ashamed of now. At the time, I might not have known what I was doing, but now I wish I could have taken my actions back. I saw for the first time how my sins hurt others.
One night while I was working at KFC, I did one of the most shameful things in my life. It was Mother’s day and the Manager of the store was always required to be there. Stuart never came in that day; he already made arrangements not to be there. That night before the closing, the area supervision was checking on the stores. I decided that I would let him know about Stuart’s absentees. I was upset with the manager because he was taking away my hours because I resided a few weeks ago and I was just finishing up my work before I left Canada. So I wanted to get a little shot on him while I could. The next day, I came into work and Stuart would not speak to me. He was mad, really mad at my actions. My prideful actions hurt this man. I know he must have felt betrayed. He gave me my first real job, he gave me hours for three years, and I turn my back on him and sell him out. He had to take a chewing out from the supervisor. He never talked to me again after that. Today, I am still ashamed of my prideful and immature actions. I made a promise to myself to never bit the hand that feeds me again.
How could I not forgive Everett? I was no better than he was on that day. Jesus talks about this. “"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matt. 6:14-15). I would want Stuart to forgive me. I need the father to forgive me. If I want forgiveness, I better be willing to forgive others.
Jesus tells this parable in Matthew 18:23-35 “"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settle them, there was brought to him one who owed him ten thousand talents. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. The slave therefore falling down, prostrated himself before him, saying, ’Have patience with me, and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, ’Pay back what you owe.’ So his fellow slave fell down and began to entreat him, saying, ’Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ He was unwilling however, but went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened. Then summoning him, his lord said^ to him, ’You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?’ And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."
The next time a brother sins against you, instead of listing his faults, list your own faults, and past on the same forgiveness that you have received.
