WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS UNLOVABLE
Part 1 of 6 in the Series, "When Relationships Disappoint You – How to Find God’s Peace in the Pain"
We’re beginning a new series today that, just like all of our other series here at Pathway, is meant to be a resource for tapping into the valuable and practical information in God’s Word, the Bible, that will benefit our every day lives in a positive way.
In this new series we’re tackling the downside of relationships with uplifting biblical principles. When relationships disappoint you – and they inevitably will at one time or another or in one way or another because relationships are made of imperfect human beings – when this happens - how can you find God’s peace in your pain? When you’re hurting or you’re sad or angry or lonely inside, how are supposed to bounce back?
There are two big emotions you face when a relationship has problems. Number one, you feel trapped and secondly, you feel tempted. The trapped feeling goes something like, “Oh no, this person is going to make me miserable and there’s nothing I can do about it!” The tempted part leads to doing stupid things to stop the pain. Your start having more arguments with people or you give in to the temptation to treat them like dirt. Feeling trapped and being tempted can give way to panic. And panic is a bad idea.
One 4th of July Deb and the children and I were on vacation visiting Deb’s parents. My father-in-law got up early to fix breakfast for everyone. Nice thought. But he put the bacon in the pan and forgot about it and went in the living room to watch TV. Pretty soon he smelled smoke because there was a grease fire in the kitchen and he panicked. He came to our bedrooms and woke us all up and ushered us out of the house.
When I saw that everyone was safely out of the house I went in to investigate. I remembered there was a garden hose outside the kitchen window, so I brought it through the window and sprayed water on the ceiling above the fire and put it out while my father-in-law and the rest of the family were outside waiting for the fire department. If we had waited until the fire department got there a half an hour later the house would have burnt to the ground.
I appreciated my father-in-law’s concern for our safety. I appreciated the fact that his family meant more to him than material things. But I was reminded that day that you don’t have to panic when something unexpected happens. (Not that I haven’t panicked myself plenty of times.)
You don’t have to let the house burn down over a little grease fire! Don’t let your relationships end or even smolder over a solvable problem. I’ve seen a lot of relationships "go up in smoke" because people panicked when they could have sought a solution from God.
It may be a job relationship or it may be a marriage, or parenting, or dating, or perhaps a friendship or a relationship with an extended family member, a neighbor, or even someone you go to church with may be difficult to live with at times. There’s something negative about a relationship and its eating away at you. What do you do about it?
Often, you’re tempted to respond in ways that really aren’t going to make your life any better. Temptation is meant to do that by the way. When your faith is tested - your faith in God or your faith in someone you love – opportunities present themselves for you to do things that aren’t going to be in your best long-term interest.
How can you react in such a way that things will get better? And the good news is – God’s Word does give us valuable advice for improving our relationships. Follow the Word and things get better. Sometimes the difficult person will get better – if not – at least your attitude will get better.
Today we’re going to address the problem of what to do when someone you love is unlovable.
Maybe you fell in love with your husband before you found out he isn’t as excited about your “things to do around the house” list as you are. Or you didn’t know he was going to be so grouchy when he got home from work – or fill in the blank.
But the fact that you love him means he does have some redeeming qualities. Your job is just going to be a little harder than you thought it was. You’re going to have to put some thought into it. When you were dating getting along with other seemed effortless. But now you realize that it takes some work to have a successful relationship. Don’t be afraid to work at it. Relationships are worth working on! It takes effort.
The Bible says:
"Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:3 (NLT)
Perhaps you thought your wife would always be cheery. Maybe she has good reasons to need to be cheered up.
One woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, which leaped up, howling and barking. The woman’s three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words but she finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband’s voice on the other end say, “Nobody’s said hello yet, but it certainly sounds as if I have the right number.”
Then there was this 80-year-old woman arrested in Cincinnati for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “I took a can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen a can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. When he saw her nonchalant attitude toward the crime he realized he had to sentence her to some time but didn’t know how to come up with an appropriate sentence so the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can and the woman said, “Six.”
The judge then said, “Then I will sentence you to six days in jail.”
But right before the judge brought down his gavel, which would actually make the punishment official, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Without going to court – let’s identify some biblical principles on responding to someone you love when they’re being unlovable. The first one’s pretty basic. It may be a review for us but the Bible mentions it a lot so we need to also.
1. REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVED YOU WHEN YOU WERE UNLOVABLE.
Everyone wants to be accepted. Some people try too hard and others not hard enough. Something is wrong in someone’s life when they’re being unlovable and it cries for your understanding. It’s like when a baby cries. They may need to be fed. They may need to be changed. They may just need to be held.
I’m not trying to make excuses for adults behaving immaturely but some teens and adults behave badly when what they need is love – they need understanding. And God’s love teaches us that every person is worth understanding.
But the big question is “Where do I get the strength to understand and accept others when they’re hard to deal with?” Every one of us has the ability to be a “sandpaper person” because we can all be irritating. People can be unlovable because they’re arrogant, rude, mean, or selfish. They demand their own way and brag about their accomplishments. Or fill in the blank with whatever irritates you about someone.
Where do I find cause to love them anyway? The Bible says this.
“This is love! It is not that we loved God but that He loved us. For God sent His Son to pay for our sins with His own blood. Dear friends, if God loved us that much, then we should love each other.” 1 John 4:10-11 (NLV)
God is my role model for love. Not Hollywood. Not the media. Not the latest magazine article. God.
And when did God start loving us? Was it after we had worked all of the kinks out of our lives? Was it after we made ourselves presentable to Him by doing a bunch of good deeds? No, the Bible says…
“But God has shown us how much he loves us. It was while we were still sinners that Christ died for us!” Romans 5:8 (GNT)
If we wait to love others until they have their act all together we will have waited too late.
I had a couple tell me one time that they got married for the wrong reasons, they said that they weren’t really in love with one another when they got married, not as they had come to understand what love truly was – commitment and giving yourself unselfishly to one another. So they wanted to know whether or not they were still obligated to stay together – to keep their marital vows. It really concerned me that they were serious!
Another pastor I read about said he and his wife had a friend named “Joy.” When she was in her early twenties, a young man asked her for a date and she politely declined. He insisted that God told him that he was to go out with her. When she inquired as to how God had revealed that to him (since He had clearly not revealed it to her), he told her that he took his Bible to study it and it fell open to Isaiah 55:12, “for you shall go out with joy.”
He wasn’t kidding. The problem is that verse is actually referring to the excitement of God’s people as they were delivered from captivity. It’s not the name of a person to go out with on a date!
Maybe, as you look back on it, you got together with your spouse too hastily and there were some serious differences you hadn’t anticipated. Can you still save your marriage?
Maybe you have a relationship with a boss and co-workers that is less than ideal. But you need the job. The bills are still coming. Until God answers your prayers and gives you something better you have to make the best of it. Or, you love your neighborhood but your neighbors freak you out. You love Pathway Church but there are some members of the Pathway family that rub you the wrong way – which happens in every church.
Honestly, how am I supposed to behave in these types of situations? Am I supposed to sever every relationship because it’s got some unpleasantness? Of course not. There’s a better way. There’s a way that actually makes me more like God, more mature, and a better person. What is it?
I can follow God’s lead.
If God can love me in spite of my warts and blemishes – in spite of me being a sinner – then I can love my fellow sinners. God looked down at us and understood that we needed to be loved – not cast aside without a chance to learn to love.
Empathize with others. Jesus not only told us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. He even told us to love our enemies! How can we expect to love our enemies if we can’t even love those closest to us?
So the first step to loving the unlovable is remembering God’s love for you when you were unlovable.
That’s basic. We talk about that a lot because the Bible talks about it a lot.
Secondly, the Bible tells me when someone I love is unlovable…
2. RECOGNIZE THEIR NEED FOR HELP.
What does the person behaving badly need that is causing them to act improperly toward you? You say “wait a minute, it’s their responsibility to meet their own needs and behave properly toward me!” Yes it is their responsibility. But a basic teaching all throughout Scripture is that it is also my responsibility.
We try to wiggle and squirm out of this one but the Bible is full of instructions about this truth. We try to be like Cain in the book of Genesis: “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Yes! I am supposed to look out for my brother as well as myself.
We are responsible for helping one another. Look at one out of many examples of this teaching in the Bible.
"Christian brothers, if a person is found doing some sin, you who are stronger Christians should lead that one back into the right way. Do not be proud as you do it. Watch yourself, because you may be tempted also. Help each other in troubles and problems. This is the kind of law Christ asks us to obey." Galatians 6:1-2 (NLV)
Verse one indicates the troubles and problems we need to help one another with in this instance are the ones related to sinful behavior on the other person’s part. They got themselves into a mess and we are supposed to humbly help them get out of it. We aren’t supposed to walk away from them when they are hurting just because it’s their own fault that they’re hurting.
Like the group of friends that went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“It was a tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry.”
That’s just funny.
But neglecting others when they’re hurting by making excuses isn’t funny. We try to justify our neglect of meeting the needs of others in a lot of different ways. And yes I know that love must be tough some times. But I wonder how many times my love was tough because I needed an excuse to not get involved in meeting someone else’s needs, or I wrote someone off because they behaved badly toward me? I gave up on them prematurely because they didn’t change as quickly as I wanted them to.
The law that Christ wants me to obey is to help others when they have troubles and problems. Even if their difficulties are of their own making.
How do I love someone who has been unlovable? I try to help them. I recognize that their bad behavior is actually a symptom of their need for help.
This type of lifestyle will take patience on my part. I must commit to being in the people-helping business for the long haul. That’s the kind of love I am called to as a follower of Christ.
The Bible says,
"Love is patient and kind. (Circle that phrase. Are you patient and kind to those you say you love? Do you really love them like you should if you’re not being patient and kind to them?) Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NLT)
Thirdly, to love the unlovable I must…
3. RE-ENERGIZE MY LOVE FOR GOD AND OTHERS.
Look and listen carefully to what Jesus said.
“But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Revelation 2:4 (NLT)
What was your love for God like when He first found you? What was your love for others like when you first loved them?
How much did you love your spouse when you first started loving him or her and when you first got married? How much did you love your child when you brought him or her home from the hospital? How much did you love your church family when you first started worshipping with them? The members of your small group? Your co-workers? Your neighbors?
Jesus says I need to get back to the way I loved “at first.” That’s got to be my starting point when someone around me is unlovable.
Take marriage for example. I’ve never fallen out of love with my wife, not in the thirty years we’ve been married. But we’ve both been unlovable at times. What have we done to keep the relationship loving? We’ve done what this Scripture teaches. We’ve gone back to our first love. We were sitting in the den the other night watching “Return to Me” and we started talking about when we first fell in love. You need to take that trip often.
Let me tell you what it was like for me to first fall in love with my wife.
a. I wanted to be with her as much as I could. (To love others like you did "at first" you must spend time with them.)
Do you know what happens when someone is unlovable? We do the opposite. Instead of spending time with them like we used to – we try to avoid them.
We should love each other as we did “at first” by spending time with them and not avoiding them.
Do you realize what will happen? We will rebuild the relationship. Friends, co-workers, etc - don’t isolate one another. That breeds more dissention. It causes paranoia and bad feelings. I’ve known people through the years who had a falling out with someone in the church and stayed home from worship and Bible study and prayer meetings because they didn’t want to run into the other person. How sad! How subtly deceptive of the human heart.
When someone you love is being unlovable – intentionally spend more time with him or her. Try it. The Bible works!
Another of my behavioral characteristics when I first fell in love with my wife…
b. I wanted to tell her that I loved her – often. (Tell those unlovable people in your life that you love them anyway!)
Now maybe some of you guys aren’t that way. A lot of guys aren’t that verbal. But obviously, being a preacher, I am verbal. I like to talk. God made me that way. I was the kid who got in trouble in school for talking too much. Go figure.
Big mistake a lot of relationships suffer is cutting off the lines of communication when there’s a problem. We figure if we stop talking to them we will punish them and then they’ll shape up. You can talk to someone without positively reinforcing his or her negative behavior. Keeping the lines of communication open will actually give you the opportunity to talk to them about their bad behavior when the time comes.
Remember how you used to talk when the relationship began? Don’t stop talking! Don’t stop communicating!
And then...when I first fell in love with Deb…
c. I wanted to show her affection. (Show affection to those you love.)
I wanted to kiss her and hold her. We were attending a Christian college and kissing was taboo so I really had to lecture her about always trying to kiss me.
What happens a lot of times, when feelings get hurt, especially in marriages, is the affection spigot gets turned off. That’s unbiblical. It’s damaging to the relationship. See First Corinthians 7. We covered that several weeks ago.
But this also applies in friendships. (No, not I’m advocating kissing your friends – not unless it’s a holy kiss on the cheek.) The mistake we often make with our friends is that we act cool toward them when they do something that we don’t like.
Christ has called us to love them as we did at first. Don’t think about the things they said or did that ticked you off. Think about the good things. And behave toward them as you did at first.
A business executive became depressed. Things were not going well at work, and he was bringing his problems home with him every night. Every evening he would eat his dinner in silence, shutting out his wife and five-year-old daughter. Then he would go into the den and read the paper using the newspaper to wall his family out of his life.
After several nights of this, one evening his daughter took her little hand and pushed the newspaper down. She then jumped into her father’s lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him strongly. The father said abruptly, "Honey, you are hugging me to death!" "No, Daddy," the little girl said, "I’m hugging you to life!"
Try hugging somebody to life! When they’re acting unlovable – love them anyway.
And one last way I acted when I first fell in love with my wife…
d. I thought about her a lot. (Think of the unlovable people in your life.)
Do you know what happens when you start thinking about others? You think less about yourself. That’s a good thing. But also you start to develop an attitude of caring about their interests. You become more humble.
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. Philippians 2:3-4 (NLT)
Chuck Swindoll tells this story: Marian Anderson, the great contralto who won worldwide acclaim, didn’t simply grow great; she grew great simply. In spite of her fame, she remained a beautiful model of humility. A reporter interviewing Miss Anderson once asked her to name the greatest moment in her life. She had had so many big moments to choose from. For example:
There was the night conductor Arturo Toscanini announced, "A voice like hers comes once in a century."
In 1958 she became a U.S. delegate to the United Nations. Then there was that private concert she gave at the White House for the Roosevelts and the king and queen of England. And in 1963 she was awarded the coveted Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Which of those big moments, among many, did she choose? None of them. Miss Anderson quietly told the reporter that the greatest moment of her life was the day she went home and told her mother she wouldn’t have to take in washing anymore.
Who are we thinking of when someone is unlovable to us? Our self. Who does Christ call us to think about? Others. He wants us to take page from His playbook. Hanging on the cross He suffered indignities against His perfect nature, shame, torture, and slow agonizing pain. And His response, “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.”
