“What to Do When Someone Sins Against You”
Matthew 18:15-17
David Henderson, Pastor/Teacher
One Sunday morning a wife tried to wake her husband up for church. He kept his eyes closed and said, “I don’t want to go to church; they don’t like me there.” She tried again, this time pleading with him to get out of bed, reminding him that some of the people did like him. Pulling his covers over his head, he replied, “No matter how hard I try, they keep making fun of me. On top of that, the sermons are focusing on conflict resolution. I don’t really want to think about that stuff.” Finally, she decided to practice some tough love. She whipped the covers off, raised her voice, and said, “You don’t have a choice. Get out of bed right now and get dressed…you’re the
pastor.”
This is one of those topics that is difficult to teach on for at least two reasons.
First, I am the pastor and I know all too well that I create enough conflict of my own...not on purpose mind you because I hate conflict...2nd I know that some of you are experiencing conflict right now. How do I know? Some have told me but the fact is we are all human.
My topic tonight is “What to Do When Someone Sins against You” from Matthew 18:15-17. It’s been my observation that this passage is often over-quoted and under-used. We talk about it but we don’t practice it. Some people consider it like a code when they say, “I’m going to ‘Matthew 18’ that person.” It’s my hope that when we’re finished tonight we’ll be motivated to not just quote it but to actually use these principles.
Matthew 18:15-17 PPT(3)
Before a plane takes off, a pilot does a “pre-flight” checklist. Here are some things a pilot does...(see pre-flight checklist) It is a list of things that they go through to make sure they will have a safe flight and they won’t crash or be in danger. (Earl, Dave)
Well fixing relationships are the same way. Too many times we say I’m going to go work this out...I don’t know what I’m going to do...I don’t know what I’m going to say...This can be very dangerous.
Don’t jump in without asking some important questions first. This is like a pre-flight checklist for relationships.
❏ Am I treating the other person as one of God’s treasures? It is always a good thing to put a Bible text in context. Let’s set this text in context.
❏ In verses 1-5, we’re told to welcome children,
and to even become like them.
❏ In verses 6-9, we’re challenged to not lead anyone into sin.
❏ In verses 10-14, Jesus reminds us that the Good Shepherd does not want any of His little lambs to be lost.
❏ Verse 15 uses the word “brother” twice which indicates that God does not want friction in his family and that He wants conflict dealt with among brothers and sisters in the Lord. A good example of this is found in Genesis 13:8 when Abraham is speaking with his nephew Lot: “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers.”
❏ Check to make sure my goal is reconciliation, not retaliation. Right after this passage, we see in verses 21-35 that we must be willing to forgive “seventy times seven times” when someone sins against us. I must make sure my attitude is right so that I don’t fight or use my might. The goal is always reconciliation and restoration. James 5:19-20 reminds us that we are to bring back the one who is wandering and our aim is to turn the “sinner from the error of his way……”
❏ How’s my attitude? Our attitude can affect our altitude.
Before I go to a brother or sister I must make sure that I am not going with the right attitude. As a servant. With humility. Not superiority. Galatians 6:1-3: “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”
❏ Have I claimed the presence and power of Christ? Most of us are like the pastor who just wanted to stay in bed instead of making peacemaking a priority, Jesus makes two incredible promises in this passage. First, in Matthew 18:18 we read that if we handle conflict biblically here on earth it will be bound in heaven. Second, Matthew 18:19-20: “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”
❏ Evaluate how willing I am to obey. This is the way to deal with someone who sins against us. What happens when someone sins against us? We deny it. We develop a grudge. We got to others and talk about it to gain support.
There are four things we must do from Matthew 5:23-24 when someone has something against us:
Leave. Leave your gift at the front of the altar...not on it. God doesn’t want it yet.
Go. Go see your brother.
Be. Be reconciled. Reconcile a checkbook you Make it balance. Find the errors and correct them.
Come. Then come back and offer the gift. God looks on the heart. The heart is always more important than the gift.
Of the four, the first one is probably the easiest. Easy to leave.
Four Paths to Peace
1. Talk in private (verse 15). The first path to peace is to determine ascertain if your brother has actually sinned against you. Maybe he has...but maybe he hasn’t. Perhaps we have just gotten our feelings hurt. Look at the first part of verse 15: “If your brother sins against you……” This is important to think through because sometimes we label something as sin when it is actually something different. In those times, we’re called to “bear with one another.” Remember everyone else is not exactly like you. I heard this prayer recently that I think is very helpful: “I’ve asked the Lord to take from me the super sensitivity that robs the soul of joy and peace and causes fellowship to cease.” We can be less sensitive.
Some times we are called to overlook something and not say a word……if we can. Jesus said in Matthew 5:39-40: “……If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.” 1 Peter 2:23 says that Jesus “……did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats……” And Proverbs 19:11: “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”
But let’s be clear. While we must bear with some things, and overlook when we can, we are not to put up with sin. If your brother or sister has sinned against you, there are two important imperatives in this verse: Go and Show. Look at the next phrase: “……go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. The word “go” means “to continue to go and pursue without being distracted.” The word “show” refers to “being convincing.” We can’t just act like it will go away on its own. It won’t. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you or you’ll be waiting a long time. Working toward reconciliation is always your responsibility. Whether we’ve sinned against someone or we’ve been sinned against, it is our responsibility to go.
Over 20 years ago, Jim Cymbala, pastor of the Brooklyn Tabernacle in New York, was prompted by the Holy Spirit to say something....see book.” Here’s the principle: Don’t talk about people’s faults; talk to them about their faults. John Piper adds, “It’s easy and to talk about people. It’s hard to talk to them.”
Paul practiced this “go and show” method with Peter when he wrote in Galatians 2:11: “I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong.” We know Peter responded correctly and they were reconciled because he later wrote these words in 2 Peter 3:15: “our dear brother Paul.” In the world we live in it is still much better to communicate face to face. A friend of mine, Ken Duncan was one of the administrators at the hospital in charge of billing.
Avoid email, and text messages and even letters if you can help it. When I get a letter from a church member I cringe a bit. It is almost always bad.
There are some clear benefits about going in private: “just between the two of you.”
•• I might be mistaken and it could just be a misunderstanding.
•• The other person might not even be aware that they have sinned. Is that possible? Absolutely.
Here’s a question. When’s the last time you practiced this without saying a word to anyone else about the issue? We sometimes go to someone and say pray for me I’m going to talk with that person and we tell them the whole story and talk badly about the individual. This passage tells me that I must go quietly. Ephesians 4:26 says that I must do it quickly: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” And Matthew 7:5 reminds me to do it carefully: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s
eye.”
One helpful phrase is this....Bill Hybels suggests a helpful phrase to use when we have to go and show someone their fault: “Could you help me understand what happened here?”
Another idea is to make observations instead of accusations. It’s much better to say, “I feel like I have been wronged” than it is to say, “you know what I think you lied to me! You’re a liar!” Don’t ever resort to name calling.
The biggest reason for talking in private is right here.... “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” You’re done. The church body isn’t hurt. No one else knows. You’re done. There is often no need at all to bring someone else into the matter.
By the way, the word “won” is a financial term, meaning I have invested myself and now there is profit because the person has listened. The goal: always restoration.
2. Take others along (verse 16). If the person who has sinned against you does not listen when you go and show, then it’s time to involve others: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
This is a quotation from Deuteronomy 19:15. This is the book in the Bible that Jesus quoted from more than any other. In the Old Testament a person could not be convicted on the word of just one witness. This was for protection so that no one would pass along slanderous information that was not confirmed. Here are some benefits to having a witness or two and going to the individual:
•• Establishes the facts and is a way of saying, “I’m not just making this up.”
•• Observes their reaction. You can’t do this over the phone. Others see it also.
•• Keeps things from escalating/growing.
•• Remembers what was said. How many times have you talked with someone and not been able to remember exactly what was said...
One again, the goal is restoration. If they repents/ confess, then you must restore and stop the process.
If he doesn’t repent/confess, then move on to path #3. You’’ll notice that the passage moves from one person to more at each stage of the process. As you move along more witnesses are involved.
3. Tell it to the church (verse 17a). “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church”
Is this something we should take lightly? No. Is this something we should rush into? Absolutely not. This step is taken when the sin has been confirmed and it continues and it remains unconfessed.” This places a great deal of pressure on the individual.
Now what is our goal? Is it to embarrass them? No. To reconcile and to restore. The goal does not change. Don’t think that we get angrier with each step. We should in fact become more loving with each step. Our goal is not to beat the individual up.
4. Treat him as an unbeliever (17b). “…And if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or tax collector.” A pagan was one who was not of the faith... a tax collector was often a Jewish traitor who worked for the Roman government. Paul said in Romans 16:17: “I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them.” 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15: “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him. Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.”
Goal: repentance/restoration/reconciliation. How many of you enjoyed discipline when you were growing up? I didn’t enjoy getting it and I don’t enjoy giving it out. Hebrews 12:11: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Trained: it is a part of learning/discipleship.
The Importance of Forgiveness
The paths to peace are: Talk. Tell. Take. Treat. But there’s one more thing we must do and it might be the hardest of all. When someone sins against us, we are to forgive. Let me remind you that Jesus’ words about forgiving 70 times 7 times follows immediately after this account. Did He mean 490 times? No 7 is a number of perfection. 7 days in a week, etc.
Phillip Yancey writes: “In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out……” C.S. Lewis once said, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have someone to forgive.”
Real Forgiving is the hardest thing you will ever do. That’s why most people don’t do it. We talk about it, cheer for it, preach on it, and are sure we’ve practiced it. George Herbert adds, “He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.”
We are called to forgive the faults of fellow believers. And the only way we can do that is to remember how much we’ve been forgiven. Except for the grace of God I could be right there. There are two Greek words for forgiveness. One refers to debts that have been paid or canceled in full. The other means to bestow favor freely or unconditionally.
Which is more costly forgiveness or un-forgiveness? Listen to these words from Mark 11:25: “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
The Peacemaker ministry describes forgiveness as a decision involving four promises (www.peacemaker.net):
•• “I will not dwell on this incident.”
•• “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
•• “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
•• “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”
In the book called, “The Young Peacemaker,” these four promises are summarized this way: (see additional page)
•• Good thought
•• Hurt you not
•• Gossip never
•• Friends forever
The Peacemaker’s Pledge
I wonder what would happen if an entire church would make a public commitment to resolve conflicts in a Biblical manner.
Conflict Resolution. Adapted from Ken Sande’s book entitled, “The Peacemaker”
We must commit ourselves to these principles:
Glorify God —— Instead of focusing on our own desires or dwelling on what others may do, we will focus on bringing glory to God.
Get the Log out of Your Own Eye —— we can clearly see what others do wrong but we cannot see our own sin. I don’t think there was anything Jesus hated worse than this.
Gently Restore —— we will seek to restore rather than condemn.
Go and be reconciled —— actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation.
After the civil war ended, Robert E. Lee visited a woman in Kentucky who showed him the remains of a grand old tree in front of her house. She was very bitter because she loved the tree. But it had basically been destroyed during the war. She thought Lee would condemn the North and side with er in her feelings but he simply said. Cut it down. If there is any fruit that is good take it off and use it. Destroy everything else and forget it.
Brothers and sisters in Christ, talk in private and if that doesn’t resolve it; take others along and if that doesn’t turn the person back; then tell it to the church and if that doesn’t do it; then treat him or her as an unbeliever. That’s what you should do for a brother or sister that has sinned against you. And in the process, make sure you forgive so you can cut it down and forget about it.
Amen.
