I have been pastoring for 27 years now, I have performed well over 50 weddings. Couples ranging in age from their teens to their seventies and I am have watched any number of marriages end. And some have happened because of some serious stuff. Wives fed up with physical abuse who have finally pulled the pin on their marriage, probably lucky that they didn’t pull the trigger. Husbands who have had to deal with wives who have committed adultery and vice versa. But in most cases those aren’t the reason, most marriages don’t end with a bang they end with a whimper. Henry David Thoreau once wrote “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” And too often marriages that began with passion fizzle into relationships of quiet desperation.
You often hear the phrase “A failed marriage.” But marriages don’t fail, people fail the marriage merely reveals the failure.
Often the words I hear aren’t “I hate them” instead I’m more apt to hear “I just don’t love them anymore” or “I guess I have just fallen out of love.” And often the other person will say “You know I just didn’t see this coming.”
What I want to say to the first person is “If you spent as much effort trying to stay in love with that person as you did when you were quote unquote “falling in love” maybe you won’t be falling out of love” And to the person who didn’t see it coming I would ask, were you still talking? When was the last time you were on a date? How was your sex life? I think it’s like when you’ve been driving your car but not taking the time to do the tune ups, you don’t realize how poorly it’s running because it’s efficiency and performance is gradually eroded.
I am trying to figure out some way that I can legally arrange for couples that I marry to sign a waver saying that if they get divorced that they will have pay me a five thousand dollars. I’m not sure but I think it would solve my retirement problems.
I’m getting a little tired of hearing about friends both inside the church and outside the church who are calling it quits in their marriages. I’m getting a little tired of not wanting to ask friends how their spouses are doing because I’m afraid of the answer. I’m getting a little tired of the good excuses and valid reasons for couples splitting up.
When I was a kid I knew of one my friends whose folks had split up. And it just seemed strange that David had a different last name then his folks. That was back in the day when parents had lots of kids, now it seems like kids have lots of parents.
You remember when people stayed together for the kids if for no other reason. Oh by the way that has proved to be a valid reason. Studies done by secular researchers at Stafford and Harvard into the effect of divorce on children have shown that it really messes kids up. Lower marks, higher drop out rates in school, higher crime rates, higher teen pregnancy rates, and higher teen suicide rates are the harvest that we are reaping in the children of broken homes. Kids aren’t nearly as tough as we thought they were, the secular world is finding out what God’s word has told us for thousands of years and that is that the best home for children is where there natural parents are.
Apparently that’s not enough British journalist Katharine Whitehorn stated “Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they’ll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.”
But that really isn’t a factor anymore for people because those are things that may happen tomorrow but right now I’m not happy and I want to be happy. And so now I struggle with how to lead a church where Marriage is highly valued, but where we are able to accept and love those who are no longer married. How to say on one hand, “God wants you to stay together” but on the other hand not reducing those who have been divorced to a second class Christianity.
My message today for those of you whose marriages have ended is that God loves you, and God forgives you. My message today for those of you who are still married is that God loves you and He wants your marriage to last.
But how? How do we make marriages last? Good question. But not an easy one. I think Helen Rowland had it right when she said Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. This morning though we are going to try and figure out some things that will increase the chances of our marriages staying together and we might as well start by listening to what some others had to say on the subject.
Anne Landers gives us Twelve Rules for a Happy Marriage. 1. Never both be angry at once. 2. Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. 3. Remember that it takes two to make an argument. The one who is wrong is the one who will be doing most of the talking. 4. Yield to the wishes of the other--as an exercise in self-discipline, if you can’t think of a better reason. 5. If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good--choose your mate. 6. If you feel you must criticize, do so lovingly. 7. Never bring up a mistake of the past. 8. Neglect the whole world rather than each other. 9. Never let the day end without saying at least one complimentary thing to your life partner. 10. Never meet without an affectionate greeting. 11. When you’ve made a mistake, talk it out and ask for forgiveness. 12. Never go to bed mad.
Dr. Billy Graham’s wife Ruth Bell Graham said A good marriage is the union of two forgivers. It was also Mrs. Graham who when asked by a interviewer if she had ever considered divorce said “Murder yes, divorce never”
It was Henry Ford who when asked on his 50th wedding anniversary for his rule for marital bliss and longevity. He replied, “Just the same as in the automobile business, stick to one model.”
So here are some thoughts on keeping your marriage together.
1) Respect one another Ephesians 5:33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Now that isn’t the only time that respect is mentioned in relation to marriage because Peter tells us in 1 Peter 3:7 In the same way, you husbands must give honour to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. The Greek word that is translated respect in the Ephesians passage and honour in the Peter’s writing is the same and it means to revere.
Can I ask you a question? Sure I can I have the mike. Do you revere you spouse? Have you ever revered your spouse? If you don’t now and you did then, you have made a conscious decision to stop.
I am often shocked, nah I’m not, I’ve gotten over that , I’m not often shocked anymore but I am dismayed at the way people often treat or are treated by their spouse. This is supposedly the person you loved more then life itself, the person that you would do anything for and yet you would never consider speaking to a total stranger or even a casual friend in the same manner that some people speak to their spouses.
It’s not harmless you know if it was we’d treat everyone that way. When psychologists Cliff Nortarius and Howard Markman studied newlyweds over the first decade of marriage, they discovered that couples who stayed together uttered 5 or fewer put-downs in every 100 comments to each other. But couples who inflicted twice as many verbal wounds — 10 or more putdowns out of every 100 comments — later split up.
Watch what you say! Little, nit-picking comments are like a cancer in marriage, slowly draining the life out of a committed relationship. Take a minute and decide to treat your spouse with respect, maybe even revere them. You say “not until they smarten up” The problem is that while you’re not responsible for their actions you are responsible for yours, remember what Christ told us in Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would like them to do to you. Do you do that? If your spouse could only presume that the way you treat them is the way you wanted to be treated yourself what would their behaviour be like? After all success in marriage consists not only in finding the right mate, but also in being the right mate.
2) Don’t Lose Your First Love Can you remember back far enough to remember how you felt about your partner when you got married. Or how about when you were courting? There are very few people in our society who have to get married, even those people who say “well you just don’t understand Denn we had to get married.” Didn’t have to get married. Most of us get married because we want to, because we love our partner and want to spend the rest of our life with them. It’s too bad we couldn’t bottle that love so when we feel it slipping away we could take it down and take a big snort of it.
Throughout the New Testament marriage has been used as an analogy for the relationship between Christ and His Church. As a matter of fact the same analogy is used for Israel and God in the Old Testament. In the book of Revelation 2:1-5 (NIV) “To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.
This is a letter written to the church in Ephesus, the same church that Paul wrote the letter of Ephesians to. And in this message Christ says that the Ephesian church should be proud of a whole bunch of things. Wow, that is some kind of Church, but Christ goes on to say Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. A church that did all the right thing but didn’t love Christ, I mean they used to love Christ but they at some point stopped loving Christ. And He told them to remember what it had been like, how far they had moved away from that first love.
For a moment this morning would you be willing to remember what your love was like? Would you be willing to remember at what point it changed, and became greater of less then it was. And would you be willing to admit that wherever it is that you, not somebody else, but you made a conscious decision for it either to become better or worse.
3) Take out the Garbage I hate taking out the garbage, but it’s one of my jobs has been since we got married. It’s engraved in stone somewhere “The husband shall take out the garbage.” But reality is this “If you don’t carry out the garbage, one day your house will become a dump.”
You make a deliberate conscious choice to carry out the garbage, you can’t think it out, you can’t wish it out, and it won’t walk out if it’s going to get out of the house somebody has to take it out. In Ephesians 4:26 Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. A psychiatrist friend told me something once which has had a real impact on my thinking, he told me that nobody could make me angry. That anger was a choice and I could choose to get angry over something you might say or do, but you didn’t make me angry. But sometimes we do get angry and sometimes we get angry at someone we love whether we should or not is a different story. It was Alan King who said “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.”
Paul gives us some advice for when we get angry he says Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Take the garbage out, don’t let it collect because it never gets easier to take out just more difficult as it collects. Learn to deal with it and when you have dealt with it don’t tuck it away to drag out as ammunition the next time you need it. 1 Corinthians 13 is called the love chapter and it talks a lot of what love is and isn’t and what love does and doesn’t and in verse 5 it says Love keeps no record of being wronged. The actress Marlene Dietrich obviously understood this because she said Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. And it applies equally as well for husbands. After all it was Christ who said in Matthew 6:14-15 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins. Do you really think that Christ would require us to forgive everyone except our spouses? And if He does require that of us then He is telling us if we don’t forgive then we won’t be forgiven, and if I understand it if we aren’t forgiven then we don’t get into heaven so the choice is really forgive or go to hell. Sounds like a no brainer to me.
4) Talk to Each Other One of my pet peeves is drive throughs, you know at Macdonald’s or Dairy Queen or Horton’s .You pull up and hear "MMmMMMMm" and you presume that what they said was “Good afternoon can I take your order” and so you say “Yes, I’ll have a Big Mac, a large fries, an apple pie and a diet coke” and they say "MMmmMMmMmmm". You get to the window and you have chicken nuggets, a salad and a chocolate shake. In Australia the fast food joints had done away with the squawk box and added an extra window with a real person who would say “Good afternoon can I take your order”
Marriage Counsellor Gary Smalley recommends that when we are having difficulty communicating that we try repeating what we think we hear, because sometimes they can be very different. When I was 17 I spent a summer on one of Irving’s oil tankers and I was the Helmsman, had my drivers licence for less then a year and I got to drive a 630 foot ship full of gasoline, ugg, ugg. And when we traded off at the helm we would tell our relief what course we were steering, then we would repeat it to us and we would repeat it back and only then could then take the wheel repeating the course back one more time. So it might go like this steering 154, 154? 154 OK steering 154.
If you don’t talk to one another your marriage is doomed. And I don’t mean Hi, how are you? Nice day it looks like rain! I mean talking at the feeling level. And realize that men and women speak a different language and what you hear you spouse say may not be what they meant to say. Let’s take a look at a couple of examples of that. (Comics)
5) Today isn’t forever Recognise that the problems you are having today aren’t eternal. Couples have problems for different reasons. Maybe it’s stress at work, or the kids, or school, or finances. We go through different stages and phases in our lives and sometimes they contribute to problems in our marriages. I have said time and time again, “Divorce is a long term solution to a short term problem.” It’s like cutting off your head because you have a cold, it might solve the problem but it’s probably a little drastic. Let’s be honest, ok. How many people here at one or more points in your marriage wished that you weren’t married. Don’t raise your hand. It might have been for a year, a month, a week, a day or just a fleeting thought. "boy I wish I was single again." There will always be times if we are honest when it will seem a whole lot easier to throw up our hands and walk away then to work it through. But nine times out of ten those are temporary problems and don’t deserve a long term solution.
1988-89 was not a good year for Angela and I. In June we moved out of our home and into a basement apartment while we waited for the new parsonage which was a 120 year old house to be renovated. In July there was conference and camp meeting in New Brunswick, August and September were spent renovating, we moved again the first of October. During that time I was pastoring a church, I was in the midst of the planning stages of a ½ million dollar addition to the old church, president of Colchester Right to Life and the Truro and area Ministerial, as well as organising a young adults rally in Washington DC. I came home to eat and sleep, and sometimes just to sleep and we had some marriage stress which is like saying that sometimes it rains in Nova Scotia. I often said only half jokingly at the time that Truro Wesleyan Church was my mistress, which wasn’t really true because I was spending a lot more time with her then I was with my wife. Angela had two kids at home three and under and could very well have been a single mom, except a single mom wouldn’t have had to put up with me when I was there. We often say that we had to stay together or I would have lost my job, which may not be a bad way to deal with the divorce problem.
But you know what? We got through 1988-89 even though it could be described in the same way that Queen Elizabeth described 1992 "1992 is not a year I shall look back on with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an ’annus horribilis’". And what would have happened if we had of just walked away from it all, if we had of gotten divorced to solve our problems? We solved our problems a little more creatively, we moved to Australia but our marriage is stronger then it’s ever been because problems don’t last but marriages are supposed to.
6) Ask for help There are times that we need to recognise that sometimes we can’t do it by ourselves, we need friends and sometimes we need professional help. Face it, sometimes when you have car problems you can fix them yourself, but some times it’s going to take a professional to fix it and when it does you pay the bill cause you have to. If you need professional help get it, I’m a shade tree mechanic when it comes to marriage counselling, some times I can help you fix a little problem but face it I’m a preacher not a counsellor and so some times my best advice is for you to find a pro, and I can provide you with the names and numbers of pros. And don’t forget God, He’s got a stake in your marriage too, and He wants to help. It might not hurt to pray together. You ever look at a braid? It looks like two pieces of hair, but two pieces of hair can’t make a braid, they need the third piece to hold them together. God is the third strand in the braid of our marriage, and He wants to keep us together, so maybe it’s time to ask Him to help.
PowerPoint may be available for this message, email me at denn@cornerstonewesleyan.ca
