“The Pitfalls of Parenting, from the bottom of the Pit” Part 1
Let’s see we are in week four now. Week one was Sex, God’s Wedding Gift, Week two was Marriage, What it is and what it ain’t. Last week was Marriage, Keeping it together, and here we are at parenting. And like in the real world it’s hard to believe that we are dealing with parenting already. And this message has actually turned into a two parter, so it will be this week and next week.
If most of us were to be honest we would have to admit that we kind of stumbled into parenting, we knew how to make babies but weren’t a hundred percent sure what to do after we got there. Kind of like this? (comic of two dogs and car)
Think about all the things in society that you need to pass a test before you are allowed to do it. Drive, fly, hunt, use a boat. But any fool can produce a child and then society will give it to them and say go ahead shape, mould and raise this child, you’re in charge.
My niece Amanda has the perfect plan: Put birth control in the water supply and only provide bottled water after people have passed a test on parenting.
I’d like to start off this morning with a couple of questions. OK? Firstly how many people here either have children or have had children? OK, secondly how many people here either are or once were children? OK that was just to confirm that what we are speaking about this morning is relevant to everyone here.
King Solomon wrote in the book of Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. Just one more question OK? How many parents here have ever felt guilt, conviction or confusion when they’ve heard or read this passage of the Bible?
Isn’t that all of our hope as a parent that we can show our kids a path, a good path that they will able to follow throughout their life?
Here’s a thought about Proverbs 22:6. There are only two groups mentioned here, a child and when he is old. Not even Solomon who was called the wisest man in the world was willing to make any predictions about those turbulent adolescent years. As far as I can figure out the best way to paraphrase Proverbs 22:6 would be “Do your best when they are young and hope for the best when they grow up”
Here’s another Scripture, as a matter of fact it’s the Scripture that we read earlier. I think that if we were to pick a favourite Scripture for parents it would have to be Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. That’s our Scripture, right? You can stand and shake your finger at your kid and say don’t you ever forget what Paul said in Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.
But we aren’t going to look at parents favourite Scripture this morning, instead we are going to look at kids favourite Scripture and that is found just three more verses along where we read Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Some translations say Fathers, do not exasperate your children; We don’t even mention that one to our children, just how exasperating it would be if your kids ever found out that the Bible commanded you not to exasperate them.
Raising children. If God has given us one task which seems to be more formidable then any other it must be parent hood, and if he has given us one responsibility that is more awesome then any other it would have to be the responsibility of training up our children in the way they should go. There are no guarantees, there is no place engraved in stone that says with a 100% guaranteed if you do this, this and this then that will happen and then that will happen and then something else will happen. Doesn’t work that way. All we can do, is do our best early and hope for our best later.
Two things to start us off then, 1) If you have children who are grown up and you have never had any real problems with them and they are serving God then I would suggest that instead of patting yourself on the back that you would be far better to get down on your knees and thank God, because as my daddy used to say “I would expect it is more good luck then good management.” He also said “There’s only 18 inches between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants.” But that’s a different story. And 2) is just as important. If your kids haven’t turned out the way you think they should have and if you feel a little disappointed and even a mite embarrassed sometimes then I have a deep and profound thought for you, write it down and carry it in your wallet, engrave it on your mind cause here it is, “Always remember that God has trouble with his kids too.”
There was a young unmarried family psychologist who wrote a book entitled “10 Commandments to Successfully Raising Children.” Four years later he was married with a three year old and he revised the book and re-titled it, “10 Helpful Suggestions For Parenting” Thirteen years and two teenagers later the book went through yet another rewrite and one more new title, “Possible Hints For Surviving Your Children”
I kind of feel like that doctor as I stand up here but over the next two weeks I want to look at a dozen or so hints for making your jobs as parents easier.
Ephesians 6:18 Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. 1) Pray Hard I don’t think that there can be anything as vital in raising our kids as prayer.
That ought to be etched into the forehead of every parent here, it doesn’t say pray sometimes, or pray occasionally, or pray intermittently but Pray at all times, it is unfortunate but true that we all too often fall into the trap or praying for our kids only when there is trouble. They’re sick and so we pray that God will heal them. They are rebellious so we pray that God will convert them, they get into trouble and we pray that God will help them.
The reality is that we need to carry them to God’s throne room every day of life and not just to ask God to watch out for them, when was the last time that you actually thanked God specifically for your kids. Do you remember the thrill of holding your child for the first time and thanking God for them. I remember being in the delivery room when Stephen was born and being handed this precious little gift from God and marvelling at the miracle of creation and I felt the same way three years later when I held my daughter for the first time. But let’s be truthful, some days it’s easier to give thanks for your kids then on other days isn’t it?
We are probably the odd family out but we have always had problems having family devotions, that’s when you spend time each day reading the Bible and praying with your kids. With us it was real hit and miss thing, can anyone else identify with that? But one thing we always did and that is I prayed for and with our kids every morning before they went to school. It wasn’t always eloquent but it always got done, and I would thank God for giving me a special son and a special daughter and I asked that He would give them a great day at school and keep them safe.
Oh by the way don’t pray that your kids will get to know God unless you’re willing to make the introductions. That is a major part of Proverbs 22:6 Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it. “But preacher” you say “Don’t you think they should be old enough to know what they are doing.” Yep, sure do and I think that most kids are capable of making that decision a lot earlier then we think they are. Angela and I had the opportunity of introducing our kids to their saviour when they were between three and four years old. Don’t wait for a preacher to do it, or a Sunday School teacher to do it or a youth worker to do it, just do it. If you child was stuck in a burning building I bet you wouldn’t wait for a fireman or some other professional to come and rescue them, no you’d do what you had to do.
Rest assured that the Devil isn’t going to wait until they are an adult to put a claim in on them. Your responsibility as a Christian parent is not just to pray that you child will come to know Jesus Christ, but it also entails taking them by the hand, leading them to Christ and making the introduction yourself.
Genesis 4:8 One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.
2) Remember That Conflict Is Normal.
It’s unfortunate but true that most of us go into marriage and parenthood thinking that our home will be like the Cleavers, the Brady’s or the Huxtables depending on which generation you are from. The truth of the matter is that we most of our homes resemble Homer and Marge’s place. God’s word never mentions tranquillity as a given in our family relationships. The Bible is however full of family conflicts. Cain and Able started it out, and I hope that your kids never fight like that. If we look throughout the Scriptures we see siblings at each others throats and parents ready to throttle their kids at every other turn. There was Jacob and Esau, Joseph and his brothers, David’s brothers, and David’s children, the prodigal son and his brothers, even Jesus’ brother accused him of having lost his mind.
Angela and her sister are eighteen years apart and so Angela never really had a firm grasp of sibling rivalry or conflict. She never understood the horror stories told in my parents home abut some of the wild rows my sister and I were involved in as children, pre-teens and adolescents. I mean Dianne and I didn’t even start liking each other until after she moved out.
Conflict doesn’t’ mean that you have failed as a parent nor does it mean that your family has failed. As a matter of fact while Dianne and I fought like cats and dogs we were the first to defend the other when someone else got involved. The squabbling may not be nearly as serious as it sounds. I guess the trick is how we keep them from killing each other until they are grown up.
Psalm 139:14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. 3) This is one of the most important thing I’m going to say this morning so pay attention, Don’t, Don’t Don’t Compare Your Kids To One Another. The Bible recognises that God created us as individuals, and we need to realize that with our children, they aren’t clones and you really wouldn’t want that, would you? Besides let’s be honest the only traits that we wished they shared are the positive ones.
I grew up in the shadow of an older and smarter sister. And it was bad enough that my teachers were disappointed in my performance knowing that I was Dianne’s brother but somehow I got the idea that my parents were as well. I will always remember a comment I heard my mother make when I was 10 or 11 years old. We had just gotten our report cards and Mom was cluing our Grandmother into the results and she said “Dianne’s report was shining as usual, and Denny well he passed.” I’m not bitter, much!
And it’s not that I’m a dummy, I was an honours student in high school, but she was a high honours student and it was almost a relief when she dropped out of high school in grade 10.
Your children are individuals. I have to realize that Stephen and Deborah are two very different people they aren’t clones, and I can’t expect them to act the same or perform the same as each other or like anybody else’s kids.
I hope that Mary and Joseph never compared James and Jude and their other children to Jesus. I meant just imagine growing up as Jesus kid brother, your teachers saying, “Why can’t you be more like your brother, why he knows everything” or your Mother saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother, he’s so loving” or your Father saying “why can’t you be more like your brother, he’s never got into any trouble” and everyone saying “Why can’t you be more like Jesus, why he’s perfect” I wonder if Jesus brothers, James and Jude were ever talking and one of them said, “That Jesus, the way people talk about him you’d think he could walk on water.”
Respect and love your kids for who they are, not for who you wish they were.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.
4) Encourage your kids Paul was telling us that as believers that we had to encourage one another, and I think that goes double or triple for our families especially our children. We need to become our kid’s biggest fan club, not just in general terms , although statements like, “You’re the best son in the whole world” never hurt anyone. We need to tell our kids how proud we are of them, and we should be proud of them. Too often we are guilty of measuring our kids by adult standards and then find that they don’t measure up. But admit it you can’t expect a ten year old to perform like an adult and if those are your expectations then you are bound to be disappointed.
When we see our children’s effort for what it is, and that is the effort of a child, then we can say, “Boy you did a great job of that didn’t you?” When was the last time you said “Do you ever sing good.” or “You are some smart” or “You have the prettiest smile in the whole world.” We need to encourage our kids every step of the way, and we need to encourage them to be the very best they can be, not the very best our expectations are or the very best that somebody else can be.
I remember the line out of an old Ned Miller song that said, “Do what you do, do well boy.” They may not grow up to be a nuclear physicist but do you really think that the world needs any more nuclear physicists? It’s all to easy to be silently proud and we can fall into the trap of saying well they know that I’m proud of them. But they won’t know unless you tell them, and it won’t hurt if you brag them up a little bit. I mean if it was all right for God to brag on His Son then it must be all right for you to brag on your kids a little bit right? And God did brag on Jesus, for everyone to hear, listen to what he said at Jesus’ baptism, Mark 1:11 And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” When was the last time you publicly voiced that type of approval to your children?
We got our kids as empty buckets and we need to fill those buckets with phrases like; “Hang on a second while I call sports illustrated, they’ll want a picture of that” or “The person who marries you will be so lucky” how about “Your mother and I are so lucky to be your parents.”
5) Expect the best It’s a strange thing but children usually fulfil their parents expectations. The reason is this: we usually tell our children what we think that can and can’t do and eventually they begin to believe it and act upon those expectations. I cringe when I hear some of the things that parents say to their children, things like “you’re so stupid, or dull or slow” or how about “you’ll never be anything but trouble” or “You’ll never amount to anything” how long before they start to live up to our low expectations?
We need to plant a vision in the minds of our children about their future. They need to know how much we believe in them and that we expect them to give the very best that they can give. Now that’s not to say that we have a plan for their life and if they deviate from it then we consider them to be a failure. “Well I had my heart set on Junior becoming a brain surgeon, and I’m devastated because instead he became a tree surgeon.”
I would love for my kids to grow up and go into full time ministry, I’d love to have them both on my staff some day, but I will be satisfied with their being the very best that they can be in whatever they chose to do.
And if they choice to become independently wealthy, well then I’ll just have to learn to cope won’t I? Keep this in mind too, in expecting the very best for our kids it is crucial that we don’t give up too early on them. Napoleon was #42 in his class, I wonder who the other 41 were. Sir Isaac Newton was the one next to the lowest in his class, I wonder who the highest was? Newton failed geometry because he wouldn’t do his problems according to the book. When Thomas Edison was six he brought a note home suggesting that he be taken out of school because he was too stupid to learn. And Dr. Werner Von Braun the missile and satellite expert failed math and physics in his early teens. My sister dropped out of high school in grade ten and yet today she is has a degree in psychology and works with troubled teens in New Brunswick, all I’m trying to say is this, “Don’t write them off yet.”
How much do you want to be a good parent? I would suspect that it takes a little bit of work and a little bit of commitment. And speaking of commitments do you really expect that you can introduce you child to Jesus Christ if you’ve never met him yourself?
Hope you enjoyed the message, free powerpoint may be available for this message, contact me at denn@cornerstonewesleyan.ca
