Ever have trouble communicating with someone? You say something and they either don’t understand or don’t respond and when they speak to you, you have no idea what they just said. Wouldn’t it be nice to understand how to communicate with your spouse, especially on those days that it would really help the mood around your house? Your wife is upset about something that happened and you don’t see the point in arguing so you just let it go and move on. You are fine with it but she keeps bringing it up and “henpecking” you about it. Maybe the tables are turned and you are trying your best to connect to your husband and he just won’t engage you in conversation or even eye contact. He’s done with it and doesn’t want to talk about it. Honestly enough we have a communication issue here.
Think about when you call a technical support line for a computer problem. You call Microsoft support and they send you to India or Pakistan and you get a middle aged man with a thick and heavy accent. He speaks English but sometimes you couldn’t tell if you even tried. He says, “Hello, welcome to Microsoft Technical support. How may I help you?” “Yeah, I keep getting the blue error screen of death after I try to open certain files on my computer. How do I fix it?” He comes back on the line and says, “Yes, just one moment. First open your registry by going to the run command and typing in regedit. Then go to HKEY_CLASSES_ROOT and open the first folder and delete the top line. Now you need to type in random gibberish.” If you aren’t a technical computer guru you have already been lost by the terms he has used but what in the world were you supposed to type in?
Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a book on this very verse called, “Love and Respect: The love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs.” In this book he describes the way men and women view things in general as the difference between blue and pink. Men wear blue hearing aids and sunglasses that influence how they hear and see things. Women wear pink hearing aids and sunglasses that influence how they hear and see things. Men need respect from their wives and others and so they wear “respect communication equipment.” This equipment is designed to pick up signals of respect. Women need love from others, especially their spouse, and so they wear “love communication equipment.” This equipment is designed to gather signals of love.
So when a woman communicates in womanese, men try to hear it through their blue hearing aids. When men try to communicate through dorkese, women hear it through their pink hearing aids and the message is lost in obscurity. Since it’s mother’s day and because I believe men to be the leaders in the home as God commanded them to be, today we are going to cover how we as men can become better communicators of love to our wives. Wives don’t click off today, because you have to help in this process. We need to break the crazy cycle of arguing and anger. Today guys, we will learn some tools to help our wives feel loved and that will help eliminate a lot of arguments and problems.
Closeness: Meeting her eye to eye – Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
Before woman had been created from the rib of Adam, God had already decided that men needed a suitable helper; why? We definitely do not use the full range of emotions and abilities we have. We would have been very lonely at times as well. Just as God wanted mankind to love Him, so he also understood our need for loving relationships. Look closely at the word used to bring man and woman together, joined or cleaved in some versions. The two people are to become so closely connected and interrelated that they are just like a single person. Just as God wants to be intimately connected with us, he made woman to be intimately connected with man.
The last thing we guys seem to want to do at times is look people in the eyes and talk to them. However, she wants to connect. She wants eye to eye contact because to her eye to eye means heart to heart. Remember, God made her to be intimate and you married that intimate creature. You said that you would fulfill your part of the bargain by loving and cherishing that intimate creature. In her world, sitting and talking face to face with her means that you love her and appreciate her.
We come to a grinding halt here however when men desire independence and the women still desire involvement. “I just want to sit here and watch TV honey.” Sound familiar to anyone? Why can’t she just give me some space? I just got done working and bringing home the bacon. Just let me relax for a little bit. We don’t necessarily like when our wives try drawing close to us as soon as we get home. However, for her, that is her chance to reconnect to her beloved spouse. This is her chance to feel loved and appreciated by being close to you. She needs that time, even if only for 10 minutes. Closeness is simple and an easy way to help her feel loved. Dr. Eggerichs gives a few examples; holding her hand, a sincere hug, being affectionate without sexual intentions, go for a walk, set up a date night, make it a priority to spend time with her, and many more. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. She needs to be close to feel loved!
Openness: She needs to talk it out with you – Song of Solomon 2:10
“My beloved responded and said to me, ‘Arise my, darling, my beautiful one, and come along.”
The book Song of Solomon is about two people who have fallen deeply in love with each other. Almost like two newly wed love-birds, they ooh and ahh over each other about every little thing. It’s incredibly silly to be honest yet not completely so. What may seem so strange to him is of the utmost importance for her. He responded to her. This is what she wanted more than anything else in the entire world. She wanted to understand him through her pink glasses and got to see him. In her world, she got something she desired desperately; a glimpse of his heart. Do you remember when you and your spouse were dating? Did you talk about all kinds of stuff with them? If you did, and I’ll bet you did, you gave her a great desire of her heart. Unfortunately, once you were married, that probably ended. She is still expecting and waiting to hear from your heart.
Think of it this way; “…pink and blue see and hear things differently at the level of marital intimacy. Think of this difference as two types of electrical circuits. On one circuit there are three thousand lights, and the circuit is so designed that if one light gets smashed the whole string goes out. On the other circuit there are three thousand lights, and it is designed so that if you smash two thousand of these lights, the other thousand will still work. At the level of intimacy, the wife is like the first circuit. If a serious marital conflict exists, this affects her whole being. All of her “lights” go out, and she shuts down totally. This is because she is an integrated personality. Her mind, body, and soul are connected and her entire system reacts to feelings of hurt.” – Pg. 136
Now to repair the whole string of lights can be done very simply; talk to her about it. I know, you probably don’t feel like talking about it because you have already dealt with it and said, “I’m done.” However, for her to feel as though the issue has been handled fairly, you need to talk to her about it. Once you talked to her, shut up and listen to her side. She wants you to be open with her because that’s how her pink brain works. She doesn’t understand blowing it off. She understands talking it out. If you do that, she will feel you love her and respect her. Sit down, with the entertainment off, and look her in the face and talk to her. I will however warn you of the dangers of sounding harsh. I am not even sure how to identify it but I guarantee that she will let you know when you have. That’s it, the whole shebang. This may only take 15 minutes and honestly save you hours or days of agony.
Understanding: Don’t try to “fix” Her; Just Listen – 1 Peter 3:7
“You husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.”
The scripture says it all: live with your wife in an understanding way. Accept, regardless of how stupid her feelings may seem to you that she is an emotional, intimate creature that has needs and wants that you cannot sometimes understand. Words have a lot more power than that old “sticks and stones” saying goes. When Eve chose to sin and offered some to Adam, she was cursed so that her affection would burn for her husband. So even to this day, women have the same desires to be with a man. Because she desires to be with you, close and open to you, you have tremendous power in that relationship. You can either build her up or tear her down depending on how you treat her and what you say to her. Saying “I can’t even understand you and don’t know why I try?” does not help the situation any.
Think of the difference between porcelain and a copper bowl. “The husband is copper; the wife is porcelain. Neither is any more or less valuable because both have their special uses. You have to be particularly careful with porcelain regardless of how strong it is. Just because a woman has a strong personality doesn’t mean she isn’t female and isn’t delicate on the inside. God is calling husbands to realize that their wives are porcelain bowls on which He has placed a clearly legible sign, “Handle with Care.”” – Pg. 146
Here’s what you do so that she will feel that you understand: listen. You want to keep the porcelain bowl beautiful and together: listen to her. We as men have this great ability to fix and repair most anything that can break… except our wives. They don’t want to be just “fixed.” They want to feel heard and understood. Try this on for size the next time she needs to talk; ask her, “Do you need to me listen or fix it?” Remember the openness idea we just passed. She needs to talk. It doesn’t matter whether or not you really get what is going on in her head. Just listen. I don’t get most any of this information but I do know that it works and in general seems right on the dot. If I just listen to Amy, she feels better because she talked about it.
Peacemaking: Grit and Bear the words “I’m sorry.” – Isaiah 54:5-8
A wife “forsaken and grieved in spirit” needs to feel restoration in the relationship. “…but with everlasting loving-kindness I will have compassion on you…”
Just to make this one short and sweet, sometimes men make mistakes. Sometimes men say things that seem harsh and unloving. Sometimes men don’t talk in the pink language and women feel hurt by what has been said. That doesn’t make men stupid oafs who don’t know how to treat their wives. That doesn’t mean that men are stupid, worthless, or otherwise problematic. It does mean that men need to learn how to say, “I’m sorry.” Women don’t seem to have as much trouble with those two little words as men do. Amy seems quite capable of saying, “I’m sorry” when she feels she has hurt my feelings. I however do not like those two words, especially when I have done nothing wrong. Stating a fact in my opinion is not doing anything wrong. You ask me a question and I give you an answer. That’s the end of the conversation. You have what you came to me for; an answer. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works with women. Just giving an answer comes off as abrupt and rude. She wants to communicate remember. She wants to actually talk; not just get an answer. Regardless of whether or not you understand why they are upset; you still have to learn to apologize.
Case in point: A little while back, Brinkley wanted to hold the baby on Wednesday night. She asked me if she could and I told her she could after church because other people had already asked to hold Mayah. In my world (Blue) I had given her what she had wanted; an answer. This hurt her feelings however. Okay, I still am not sure how in the world that happened but I understood once Lisa said that it came off as harsh that I wasn’t showing Brinkley kindness and love in her (pink) world. So I had to apologize to Brinkley to repair her world. Remember the string of lights; if you break one all of them go out. That really messed with Brinkley’s light string. Until I apologized, the light string wasn’t in very good shape. We have to learn to apologize guys. It makes her pink world light up tremendously when we show this kind of humility. Yes, it may make you feel like less of a man but a real man is like Jesus and Jesus showed humility to the point of acting like a slave. If he can be a man and do that, we can apologize to our wives.
Loyalty: She needs to know you’re committed – Titus 1:6
“…the husband of one wife…”
Simply stated, one man to one woman was how God created mankind from the very beginning. God even warns men not to multiply wives because it will bring great trouble. Look at Solomon; he fell into worshipping false gods brought to him by his many wives. Letting your wife know that she is the only woman you could ever see in your life makes her feel very special. I always tell my wife no other woman would take me. That’s not really what she wants to hear. She wants to hear those marriage vows all over again. No, I don’t get it either but that is how pink works. Her heart thrives on knowing that you alone love her more than any other person on earth. You want to make her day or for that matter her year, show her how much she means to you and tell her that she is number one in your life (and mean it).
Esteem: Putting you’re wife first and foremost – Ephesians 5:29
“…for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”
Lastly, in the acronym COUPLE, to show your wife love she needs to feel esteemed by you. Men are to love their wives as they love themselves. Men are to love their wives as much as they love to feed and take care of their bodies. Men are to nourish their bodies with food and cherish it as the only one they will ever have. Now men should be doing these things which mean they should love their wife in the same way. Men can be pretty good about putting their own needs first. Get off work, come home, and flop on the couch to rest a little bit right? Yet, sometimes women may feel they need to be put first and rightly so. Ephesians 5:21 says that each person should “be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” Put the other person first. You married her as the greatest woman in the world. She met your needs and probably made you feel like you were on top of the world. You made her feel loved and appreciated. She felt like she was the most important woman in the world. After a while, when bills and work came in, that most important spot slowly waned and she felt that she became second and then when kids came she became third. Your wife wants to be esteemed like the woman in Proverbs 31 when her husband stands at the gates of town, the local meeting place for everyone, and praises his wife in front of them.
Women feel loved when they feel like the two of you are a COUPLE. This isn’t a cure-all for marital problems and it isn’t necessarily true in every single case but it does have a biblical basis and has precedent as being true a majority of the time. You may say, “well preacher, she doesn’t even try to respect me. She chews me out and gives me what for every single time I open my mouth. I feel like she bashes me just because I am not doing it her way. She’s right and I am wrong. Why would I want to do all this work to show her love?” Because, you are the male and therefore you are the leader. I would say it is your responsibility to take care of your part of the relationship. If she doesn’t respond to your love, don’t withdraw it. Jesus Christ issued the commands to love one another. He says love your wife. Do what he says regardless of her! Obey God and not man! How can we say we love God when we don’t show it to our wives? Maybe we need to say I’m sorry to them now and ask God for forgiveness and help in loving them better. They were created in God’s image just as much as we are men. They deserve to have their needs met and they need love.
This whole process won’t work without Christ however. Marriage was instituted by God. We need Christ’s help to show love to our wives and respect to the husbands. Maybe you need to know Christ and haven’t gotten to know his love. Today is the day.
