Summary: This lesson continues the series "Where Does it Hurt?" by dealing with the man’s role in the family.


Ephesians 5:22-6:4

Scripture Reading: Matthew 7:9-11


1. We determined to look at these 5 areas:

a. What is the foundation?

b. What is the father/husband to be?

c. What is the mother/wife to be?

d. What is the child to be?

e. Then we can put them together and see what the family is to be.

2. Last time we identified the foundation of marriage as submission to God first and then to one another.

3. This week we will look at the father/husband job.

a. Now ladies, do not think that this means that you have this week off.

b. You should listen so that you can help your husband be who he should be.

c. Children, you should listen so that you know where your father is coming from when he deals with situations, and listen so that you can prepare yourself for your future families.

4. There are three things we want to emphasize as roles for the father/husband:

a. One is influence on the children The third is that of leader/lover

b. The second is that of leader/lover

c. The third is that of provider

5. Now do not get the wrong idea about the lover concept, romantic love is a very small part of the lover aspect of the husband/father role.

6. The husband/father role is crucial in families.

7. The aims of this lesson are to help up all better understand what makes a good husband and father so that we can be one or help our husband/father influence become better.

TRANSITION: How important is influence?

I. The influence of the father on his children.

A. Studies have been conducted to measure the influence of the father and the level of delinquency in the children.

1. In every instance there was a direct relationship found in which the father who spends more time with his family has less delinquent children.

2. Spending time with our families is critical in the development of respectful, God-fearing children.

3. Joan Lund’s research found that "The personality and background of the husband, not the wife, were the important factors in the success of a marriage."

4. Alexander Schneiders found, "Studies of delinquency repeatedly indicate that fathers are more influential than mothers in the development of delinquent behavior in their children."

5. Elizabeth Elliot’s work is the often cited study that showed that the father’s attendance in church is more determinative than is the mother’s.

1. She concluded, "If the father attends church regularly, the children will be more likely to attend regularly- regardless of the mother’s attendance record."

2. If you want your kids to go to church and consider God important in their lives, make it so in your lives, fathers.

B. The father’s role, as a parent, is critical in raising children who respect authority.

1. Yet we spend more time at work providing things than at home providing guidance.

2. Get home guys.

1. Spend that time with your children while you can.

2. When they are 15, 16 years old it is approaching too late to have the influence they need.

3. Take care of your family while it is impressionable.

4. Teach them what they need to learn.

C. Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

1. This charge is given directly to you as a father.

2. It is your job to raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

3. If you never see your children, how can you possibly raise your children in the instruction?

4. You cannot do it two or three days a week and never see them other than that.

5. God does not say that we are to pawn this job off on someone else.

1. It is my job as a father to bring up my children to love God.

2. My wife is my helper in this.

3. It is her job to help.

4. It is my responsibility to get the job done.

D. We saw earlier that the father’s personal influence is the most important factor in getting this job done.

1. Giving the kids all the toys in the world will not diminish our responsibility to performing this task.

2. The only way to avoid wrath for our children is to be with them teaching them love for and love of Christ.

TRANSITION: How do you come to that conclusion that I cannot have someone else do it for me?

II. Let us now look at the leader/lover role.

A. Again let me emphasize that this idea of lover is more deeply involved than the romantic concept.

B. It applies to both the wife and children.

C. Paul tells us that the father is the leader/lover, Ephesians 5:23, "For the husband is the head of the wife as the Lord is head of his church."

1. These two are combined because to lead without love is cruel and to love without leading is a "cop-out".

2. The two concepts depend upon each other.

3. Leading depends on love and it is the husband’s responsibility to lead.

D. A Better Homes and Gardens survey of 340,000 homes in America found some interesting information

1. The question was asked, "Do you feel that the dominant role of husband is declining in today’s families?"

2. 79% replied, "Yes" to this question.

3. Surprisingly enough, 71% felt that this trend was not good for America.

E. See, the head of an organization is the one responsible for events that take place within that organization.

1. When a corporation gets in trouble, the CEO is the first person people look to

2. He is the one who is ultimately responsible for any and all mistakes that occur within the company.

3. Whether he is the one responsible for the action or not, he is the one help liable and he is responsible for correcting the situation.

F. This is the role of the husband/father.

1. Whatever goes on inside the family, he is responsible for correction.

2. He is responsible for those actions.

3. He is to be proactive in heading off potential problems.

G. How can he do that if he does not see them coming?

1. If I do not have any idea what is going on in my family, I cannot take steps to correct problems.

2. It is my job to be present and active in the lives of my family so that I can keep them on the right track.

H. Let’s look at the idea of lover now.

1. What is God’s definition of love?

2. John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that who so ever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

a. God- The source of all authority

b. So loved- The degree of his love, all encompassing

c. That he gave- The cost (The only thing he could not make, the only thing that would work)

d. While we were yet sinners- (Romans 5:6-8) our sad condition and need for his love.

e. He saw that need, knew of our deficiencies, and gave all that he could to correct the situation.

f. He loved to the final degree.

3. If we so love our families, fathers, we will give up everything we have for the benefit of that family.

4. A worldly husband shows his love by giving things.

5. A Christian husband shows love by giving himself, even when his loved ones are at their worst.

I. See, love is a verb, not a noun.

1. When we love our wives, we are to be-loving toward our wives.

2. Even when that romantic feeling is not there, a husband can be-loving toward his wife.

J. Love is also a decision.

1. It is not natural for humans to place the needs of another above theirs.

2. People naturally want to have their desires filled.

3. They want what they want.

4. We have to make a conscious decision to replace self as the object of those desires.

5. If we are able to replace those selfish desires with love for another and desire to fulfill those needs, then we can truly lead.

K. See, leading the family requires that one see the needs of others.

1. If I only look inward, I will not be able to lead the family.

2. If I look outward, I can see those needs and help them get filled.

L. Dean Merrill says that Jesus created a new role:

1. The master/servant

2. The chief/Indian

3. He is leader by service.

TRANSITION: What is the father to provide?

III. The role of provider

A. The husband is to be a financial provider for his family.

1. Genesis 3:17-19, "Then to Adam he said, ’Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ’You shall not eat from it;’ Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you will eat bread, till you return to the ground, because from it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.’"

2. So Adam was responsible for working to feed his family.

3. But notice that the scriptures do not designate him to the role solely.

4. Proverb 31:10ff

a. V. 13, she looks for flax and wool and works with her hands

b. V. 14, she brings in food from afar

c. V. 16, she buys and sells fields.

d. We will get into this more next week, but notice that the wife in these instances is providing some financial income for the family.

B. The role of provider goes beyond this.

1. What does he provide?

2. Spiritual and emotional leadership

3. Intellectual guidance

4. As head of the home, he is responsible for the guidance in all areas.

a. He is the spiritual leader, setting the example for the wife and children in seeking God.

b. He is the emotional leader, looking for the best in others and helping bring that out. Helping to heal the hurting that life brings the family.

c. He is the intellectual leader. Not necessarily the smartest, but the one who place emphasis on learning and growing intellectually.

d. The father sets the pace.

C. Is a man responsible for financially providing for his family?

1. Yes. He is to work and provide for his family to the best of his ability.

2. Keep in mind that God is in control and actually provides what is needed, we just take advantage of the opportunities he gives us to meet our needs.

D. The husband/father role carries much greater responsibility than that.

1. He is the one who sets the tone for the family in spirituality.

2. Remember, dads, your attendance in church, more than mom’s, helps determine whether your kids will attend regularly or not.

3. Lead your family to heaven.


1. Even worldly families see the need for the leadership of the husband.

2. God gave the husband/father the role of leader in the Garden of Eden and it has not changed since then.

3. This does not mean that the husband is better than the wife, just that God sees his role as the leader of the family.

a. This is not really an enviable position.

b. The head sits at the foot of the table.

c. The idea of servitude is set out in John 13 with the washing of the disciples’ feet.

4. The leadership is based on love.

5. The provider role involves deeper commitment that financial support.

a. Even absentee fathers can give financial support in child support payments.

b. Anyone can be a father; it takes someone special to be a dad.

c. But the idea of dad is what we are called to be.

d. Do not fail on this job.


If you are a father, or are planning to be, take this lesson to heart. Love your family. They are a gift from God to be cherished and treasured. They are also a responsibility to be kept and honored. Give yourself to them above all else. If you are not a Christian, become one. We have water ready to baptize you and have your sins washed away. Give yourself to him now. If you are a Christian and have strayed, come back while we stand and sing.