Christian and Divorce
Matthew 19:1-10
How many of you have been touched by divorce, either yourself or through a family member or friend? Raise your hands. Divorce is a near universal experience as pervasive as it has become. Some of you are still dealing with the pains of divorce. For some, it may be hard to sit here without tears running down your face. Others of you are struggling in your marriage and secretly, you have thought about divorce and whether it would be easier if you took that step. Divorce places us on both ends of the spectrum. On the one hand, we need to hear about God’s grace and to receive his healing touch in our lives. On the other, we need to hear a word of encouragement and a challenge to hang in there, to keep working, and not give up. That tension will be present throughout this morning.
We know that society’s stance has changed over the last century regarding divorce, making that which was taboo now acceptable and that which is extremely difficult much easier to accomplish. But what does the Bible say about divorce? This morning we’re going to do a survey of several Biblical passages. Deuteronomy 4:1-4 is the most extensive passage in all five of the books of Moses. These are the books of the law and they tell us of the rules God set up for His people. Listen to what this passage says and does not say. “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled.” That is the sum total of the ethical teaching of divorce in the Law of Moses. It doesn’t say anything about the morality of divorce. It doesn’t say divorce is bad and that no one can have one. Two things we learn from this: first, 3500 years ago in the time of Moses, divorce was commonplace and God set certain parameters about how to go about that process. Second, a man could divorce his wife if he found anything objectionable about her. That’s a frightening thought because I don’t know a man who doesn’t find something objectionable in his wife. And I don’t know a wife who doesn’t find something objectionable in her husband. That’s a pretty free and open divorce policy.
Now we find a corrective to that in Malachi 2:13-16. This passage was written almost one 1000 years after Moses. It addressed divorce in a culture where men were divorcing the wives of their youth and marrying foreign women. And so Malachi speaks these words: “You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel.” Here we find a very different perspective on divorce from the Law of Moses. God says that divorce is not just a bad idea but that He hates it.
Now think with me for a moment. In a perfect world with perfect people, when two people come together in covenant marriage, they understand it as a mutual ministry and calling from God, and they pray for one another. They serve one another and seek to meet each other’s needs and are committed to that person no matter what. In a world like that, divorce would not exist. God didn’t design marriage and then include a divorce clause. God designed marriage to last a lifetime. But the reality is we live in a world where many people don’t live that way. God hates divorce. Would we expect God to say anything else? God hates divorce because it tears people apart and marriage is about uniting two people. He hates divorce because he knows it is going to have an impact on children’s lives. He knows it takes a toll on someone’s self-esteem, on their soul and even their relationship to Him. God hates divorce because it is painful, ugly and damaging to all involved. God doesn’t want that for any of His children. But what this passage doesn’t say is that he looks at all situations the same way. It also doesn’t say that hates those who are divorced. It doesn’t say there may be some situations where divorce is the only way. It doesn’t address any of those issues. It simply says that God believes divorce is a bad idea.
Yet even God is not above divorce. Jeremiah 3:8 says “I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery.” Two things we learn: First, God divorces us. In this passage, it is not a man who does the divorcing but God because Israel has been unfaithful by worshiping and serving other gods. Even God who hates the idea of divorce says there are times and places where this is a fitting metaphor of what God does when his people abandon him. The second thing we learn from this passage is that divorce causes broken relationships.
Let’s turn to the New Testament for a moment. The very first mention of divorce is found in Matthew 1 when Joseph considers divorcing Mary because she has become pregnant before they consummated their marriage. In the first century, when you got engaged, you were considered married. To break off an engagement meant you had to divorce them. And so when Mary announces her pregnancy, Joseph, who is described as a righteous man, decides to divorce Mary but do so quietly to avoid shaming her. You know how the story ends but what this teaches us is that even a righteous man like Joseph considered divorce.
The more difficult New Testament passage on divorce is in Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5. “"It has been said, ’Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.” What is Jesus trying to say? There is one reason that justifies divorce and that is the same reason God used to divorce Israel: unfaithfulness.
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees come to Jesus to test him. There were two schools of thought about divorce among the Pharisees. The conservative school hung to the literal words of Moses that said a man could divorce a woman for any reason. Bear in mind that if a first century woman was divorced, she couldn’t get a job, receive alimony or child support and thus was forced to live in poverty. The only other option was to go back home to her parents and live with them if they were still alive until hopefully, she would find another husband who would take her after she had been previously married. The other school of thought stated that a woman could only divorce his wife if she had been unfaithful. Jesus chooses the latter where a man or woman could divorce only for adultery. Why? Jesus was not only a Messiah but also a prophet. He speaks prophetically. Prophets do not concern themselves with all the exceptions to the rule. They speak in black and white terms which are meant to challenge people. Jesus certainly would have realized that people who were being physically abused had a valid reason for divorce. But Jesus wasn’t talking about exceptions. He was talking about the issue straight on and in his day too many were getting divorced for frivolous reasons. So Jesus raises the bar and speaks rather emphatically and divorce. He deploys a literary divorce called the hyperbole where he exaggerates the point in order to shake us out of our complacency.
Matthew 5, Jesus said to the crowd two lines before his message on divorce: “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” By that definition, there is not a man in this room who goes out unscathed and yet we don’t walk around with scarlet ‘A’s on our chest. And we don’t get a divorce because of this strict definition of adultery. Our spouse understands that we sometimes fall short and they have to elbow us to keep us men on the straight and narrow. We understand that when Jesus was saying these words, he stretches the point to push us to a higher and more holy way. We know what Jesus means: “Keep your minds pure. Watch your thoughts.” There’s a difference between sleeping with someone and just looking at them wantingly. But don’t think or look lustfully, just the same.
Right after that, Jesus says: “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away… And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.” Did Jesus literally want us to dismember ourselves? If that was the case, we would be a congregation of who couldn’t see or do a thing because we would be blind and maimed. Jesus meant: “Listen, this is how serious sin is: it separates you from God. So if there is something in your life causing you to sin, get rid of it.” Jesus employs hyperbole. He pushes the point and states things in black and white so we get the message. But what he is not doing is dealing with the particulars or the exceptions. Instead, he is dealing with the subject as a whole.
The same thing happens in Matthew 19. Right after Jesus’ statement on divorce, he talks about wealth. “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” If Jesus was being literal about that, we’re in big trouble. Because even the least of these in this room are wealthy according to third world standards. There is not a one of us who does not have a place to live and 3 meals a day. We are wealthy. And if it is harder for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than us to get into the kingdom of heaven, then we are hopeless. But again, Jesus was trying to make a point: wealthy people try to hold onto what they have, they have a worship of money and belongings. Jesus is saying don’t let it be that way. I believe he still held out hope for us.
If that were the way Jesus spoke about these other subjects, why would we not read Jesus’ statement’s this way regarding divorce? This is what I think Jesus was saying about divorce: it’s a bad idea. God did not come up with it, human beings did. By in large, you should not get divorced. It’s painful ugly, divisive and not what God wants for you. But what he doesn’t say is that there is never a situation where you couldn’t divorce. What he doesn’t say is that he hates divorced people. What he doesn’t say is that my mercy and grace isn’t sufficient to cover you in these circumstances. There are a myriad of reasons why people get divorced. Some of them are good and others are not. Sometimes people let their hearts go to someone who they thought was more interesting than the spouse of their youth. And degrees and sin draw them away slowly. That can happen to any of us. Some of them were people who didn’t realize that marriage is a sacred calling from God. They didn’t understand agape love and that they were called to be a minister to their spouse, to help heal them, meet their needs and encourage them. And their love died away quickly. Some of them are people who should have never gotten married in the first place. If they had honestly looked at each other and their relationship, they would have saved themselves a lifetime of pain and hurt. There are a whole host of other reasons too.
In the midst of divorce, there are some things that God would say to you. If you are divorced in this room, I want you to think about this and hear these things. First, divorce is a painful thing. There are amiable divorces but I guarantee that one of them is having their hearts ripped out. Friendships, family, children and financial status are all hurt from divorce. There is no such thing as a painless divorce. This not what God wants for you. But if you have exhausted all options and must divorce then there are ground rules as Christians we need to follow.
Here are a few rules for divorce. First, if you are divorced or are in the process of getting a divorce, remember your spouse or ex-spouse is still a child of God, no matter what a wretch they may have been or are being. They are a child of God and need to be ministered to and prayed for. They are someone who is worthy of at least the same treatment Jesus tells us to treat our enemies. Second, you must be just and fair toward your spouse, regardless of what they have done to you. That means vengeance cannot be a part of divorce. God says that even in the midst of this terribly painful time of your life, I am expecting you to be a Christian and to be fair and just. You cannot seek to destroy another human being, no matter how much they may have hurt you. Third, if you are a father or mother who is required to pay child support, this is not merely a legal requirement, it is a spiritual issue. This has to do with what God is holding you accountable for, taking care and providing for your children. You do not hurt your spouse, you hurt innocent children and you hurt your standing before God. Fourth, parents, don’t put your children in the middle. Don’t use them to get back at your ex spouse, no matter how awful your ex-spouse might have been or how much they might hurt you. Don’t air your dirty laundry to your children. They are just kids and don’t need to hear these things. This is a matter God holds us accountable for.
God understands the anger and pain you feel. God knows there are times that you fail because of the way you feel. But these are things, nonetheless, that we have to strive for.
How would Jesus treat a divorced person today? There is only one place in the Gospel where Jesus encounters someone who is divorced. In John 4, Jesus and the disciples are traveling through Samaria and they come to a well. Jesus sends the disciples on into town to get dinner. Jesus meets a woman at the well, who had not only been divorced once but five times. And even now she is living with a man who is not her husband. What do you think Jesus said to her? Do you think he said, “Have you never heard of Malachi 2:13? It says God hates divorce.” He didn’t do that. Instead Jesus offered her grace. He said, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water…. Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." In those words, he extended to her grace, love, healing, mercy and new life. He took this woman and showed her there was a different way and as a result she became an evangelist, telling others in the town about Jesus and what he did for her. And many, who came, believed that day in Jesus. This is what Jesus did.
Jesus didn’t come to this world to preach against divorce. It wasn’t a dominant theme or his ministry or his message. You know why he came? He came to save sinners and we are all sinners. If you look in the Bible at the list of sins, you won’t find divorce in those lists. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Jesus came to save us from our sins. He came to deal with our sins and deliver us. He came to offer and give mercy, forgiveness, life and hope. That’s what he offers and that’s the focus of his ministry and work, even today.
This morning, Jesus would say two things to us. First to those of you who are struggling in your marriage and may have even secretly though of divorce, he would say there is so much potential in your marriage, if you would only give God a chance to work through you. Jesus would speak to you as the young fearless prophet and say, “Whatever you do, keep working at it, keep fighting and let me work in you and through you to make this thing work.” To others of you who have experienced the pain, grief and heartache of divorce, he would say, “If you ask me, I will give you living water and you would never be thirsty again.” His grace is sufficient.
