RECOVERING FROM GRIEF & LOSS
Part 6 in Series: “Does Anybody Know, Does Anybody Care?”
Rev. Todd G. Leupold, Perth Bible Church, Sunday November 2, 2008 AM
INTRODUCTION:
If you are a human being, there is a high probability that your heart has or even is broken. A piercing. A hole. A ripping caused by betrayal. Disappointment. Love refused, taken away or violated. Hopes, dreams and expectations crushed. It may have been caused by any of umpteen different kinds of losses leading to inevitable grief. Regardless of the details, you are left with an unpleasant feeling like none other you have ever experienced – or ever wanted to. Perhaps it is these times more than any other, that we most wonder “does anybody know, does anybody care?”
Therefore, this morning – our last in this series – we will look to Scripture for understanding and guidance regarding our struggles with grief and loss of all types.
In my short 38 years, my own losses include: good friends, a beloved cousin and god-daughter who disappeared for years after being kidnapped by her mentally unstable mother, an older brother who in our youth regularly abandoned me and now wants little to nothing to do with me, an innocence that I’ll never get back, a sweetheart who cheated and betrayed, jobs, a home sold while we were living in it and weren’t sure where else we could go; I’ve dealt with the death of loved ones who I fear were not saved, I watched my parents get divorced, my mom waste away from cancer, due to permanent health issues I have had to completely change my diet, lifestyle, hobbies and – to some degree – even my personality.
Losses and grief are inevitable parts of our lives in a world that has been corrupted by sin. The real struggle is not in avoiding these times but in learning how to understand and deal with them when they do come.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
PRAYER
UNDERSTANDING GRIEF & LOSS
Defining:
Dr. Gary R. Collins: “Grief is a normal response to the loss of any significant person, object, or opportunity.”
The Grief Recovery® Institute: “Grief is the NORMAL and NATURAL reaction to loss. Grief is EMOTIONAL, not intellectual.”
Causes:
We most often and naturally connect grief with a death. But it is important to realize that grief can be caused by any significant emotional loss such as: divorce, loss of a job, retirement, sudden physical limitation, a significant geographic move, losing a home or valued possession, ’empty nest,’ realization that a long-held belief is wrong, breaking of any significant relationship, etc.
THE ROAD TO RECOVERY: John 11:1-46
Too often we hear and believe that grief and loss is simply something to be accepted, endured, lived with or even to ’survive’ from.
Without Christ, those are perhaps the best options.
But, in Christ, there can and should be RECOVERY following any loss and grief!!!
While this topic is addressed repeatedly throughout Scripture, this morning I would like us to focus on one passage.
In this example, the specific loss addressed involves a death. But, please, don’t lose sight of the fact that all of these principles apply equally to loss of any kind!
AT DEATH’S DOOR – Jn. 11:1-3
We begin this journey at the realization that a great loss is about to be experienced.
A.) Fear
Though the timing, severity and manner may differ, even the thought of an impending loss will ultimately result in feelings of fear.
Fear of the loss itself, fear of change, the fear that comes with feeling helpless and having no control in the situation.
B.) Expectations
At these times, also, we quickly form expectations for what we think we can or can’t be done to change things for the positive.
In this case, the sisters sent a message to Jesus with the implied hope and expectation that He may intervene and prevent this loss from happening.
The sisters have personally seen and experienced Jesus’ power and have genuine faith that He can and, perhaps will, do so.
So, we accept and have faith that all things are possible in Christ, that He loves us deeply and wants the best for us. We, too, in the moments of our impending loss are apt to turn to Jesus and His power to change things. In doing so, we are right and honor Him.
However, where we often slip and struggle is in our expectations of HOW He will answer those prayers and demonstrate His deep love for us, unlimited power, and shining glory. Like Lazarus’ sisters, we tend to automatically assume that because He loves us and/or those for whom we are concerned, and has the power to heal the situation, that He will do so as seems most obvious and apparent to us.
REACHING FOR JESUS – vv. 4-16
Standing at the ’door’ of loss and impending grief, our best and most fruitful reaction is to reach out to Jesus, no matter how far or distant He may seem to be!
A.) Jesus Loves & Cares (v. 5)
Scripture makes a special point here to affirm that Jesus did indeed deeply love and care for Lazarus, Martha and Mary. Why?
Because, as we will see, His perfect expression and act of love does not always take the form that we assume it should, will or must. When we don’t realize and accept this, then even where His love is abundantly present, we falsely feel and see only indifference, apathy, or even coldness.
Apart from an understanding and acceptance in faith that Jesus truly loves us and that nothing can separate us from His love, it is easy to see something else and thus become captive to an unrelenting fog of grief, bitterness and hopelessness.
B.) Importance of Eternal Perspective (vv. 4,16)
In moments of loss and grief, our sin-corrupted nature conspires to enslave ours thoughts and feelings that are chained strictly to the painful present and unresolved past.
THIS, my friends, is the single greatest cause of pain in our grief and inhibitor to recovery!!!
Jesus’ immediate response to this situation, however, clearly instructs us to – through His eyes - open up to the fuller reality of an eternal perspective!
ONLY THEN, will we be able to see, understand, and even experience an unexplainable peace and joy that Jesus will indeed demonstrate His deep love for us, power, and shining glory in whatever happens. And that, through faith, we can accept that how He did and didn’t not respond to our impending loss was a perfect expression of love and grace for the glory of God!
C.) The Wait (vv. 6-7)
Jesus’ active response to our cries for help are often neither immediate nor in the form that we desire, expect, or think are necessary.
The need to wait and trust is an essential and common component of our faith in Christ and the strength we may gain through it.
D.) Nothing Will Stop His Coming (vv. 8-15)
When it is time, however, absolutely nothing will stop Him from responding to our pleas in the time and manner that only He knows is best!
Similarly, those who profess to follow Him, will continue to follow unrelentingly and in accordance with His determined time and manner.
DEALING WITH GRIEF – VV. 17-39
A.) A Process (v. 17)
Jesus responds to our loss and grief through a process that spans time.
We too, in turn, must deal with grief through a process that spans time.
B.) Community Comfort (v. 19)
In what may seem an unimportant detail, Scripture makes an intentional point that we are to respond to one another’s individual losses and grief through the comfort of our own presence and community during these difficult times and processes.
C.) Individual Grief Is Unique (v. 20)
Notice that Martha & Mary, though both facing the same situation and circumstances of their brother’s death and the apparently late arrival of Jesus, respond to their loss and express their grief differently.
Our expressions are as different and unique as we ourselves are.
D.) Crossroads of Faith (vv. 21-34, 37)
Loss and grief also always brings with it a crossroads of faith.
In moments like these, when the raw nerves are exposed, reality is unavoidable, undeniable and ugly, and when personal expectations are not met, THEN our faith is tested and defined.
In these moments, we have only two choices regarding our faith: we can either trust Jesus completely or we can doubt Him.
E.) Anger (vv. 33, 38)
Twice in these events, Scripture emphasizes the anger that even Jesus Himself experiences when confronted with this loss and His own grief.
First, the example of Jesus shows us that anger is a normal and healthy response to loss and grief. In verse 33, the word “angry” means ’quaking with rage.’ In verse 38, a different word was used which literally means, “to roar or snort with anger like a lion or a bull.” This is real, deep, heart-felt anger.
Does this mean any and all anger is appropriate or even righteous? Absolutely not! The issue, is not IF we experience anger, but rather WHY and HOW!
Examine closely and you should recognize that the second thing we learn from Jesus’ anger in this situation is – what or who is the appropriate object of our anger!
Some would quickly surmise that Jesus is angry with Himself for not getting there sooner and letting His beloved friend die. However, this conclusion is completely inconsistent with all else that we are taught both in this passage and throughout Scripture about the character of Christ.
Rather, context tells us that the object of Jesus’ intense anger is the reality of death itself generally, and the destruction of sin specifically!!!
Folks, the source of ALL of our loss, grief and suffering – according to the Word of God – is plain and simply the existence and ’feeding’ of sin in our lives and world! THAT is where ALL of our anger should be directed. And, as Jesus does, we are ultimately to express that anger by turning to the power of Christ to overcome sin and it’s dreadful consequences.
F.) Jesus Cares Deeply (vv. 35-36)
The word for ’wept’ reflects a physical trembling that includes a profusion of tears.
Again, we starkly see the deep love of Jesus and are reminded that His delay in coming and His chosen means of addressing this great loss were in fact the result of His great and perfect love and in no way the absence of such.
The Jews who were present recognized this. Do you? Do you also imitate Him in this?
Timothy J. Keller, Pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC, remarks:
“...when Jesus weeps, we see that he doesn’t believe that the ministry of truth (telling people how they should believe and turn to God) or the ministry of fixing things is enough, does he? He also is a proponent of the ministry of tears. The ministry of truth and power without tears isn’t Jesus. You have to have tears.”
(from his sermon “Truth, Tears, Anger and Grace” delivered days after the events of September 11, 2001, as recorded in the book A Reason For Hope In A Time of Tragedy, Crossway Books, 2001, pg. 129).
G.) The Stench of Loss (vv. 38-39)
ALL loss, even that which will soon be redeemed and resurrected, will entail stench and filth for a time. Our role is to accept this in light of Christ’s eternal perspective.
FREEDOM FROM GRIEF – vv. 40-44
Put all of this together and we will see that our journey through the valley of shadows ultimately comes down to how we choose to answer one all-important question in those greatest moments of pain and despair.
Do you truly believe in Jesus and the One who sent Him?
Do you believe in His goodness, faithfulness and love? Do you believe that nothing can separate us from these things if we are in Christ by grace through faith?
Will you trust Him even when the air around you is full of stench and darkness?
Do you believe in His resurrection power?
J. Vernon McGee once pointed out:
“Martha believed in a resurrection. But listen, it makes less demand upon faith to believe that in a future day we shall receive glorified bodies than it does to rest now on the assuracne that they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. It is easier to believe that the Lord is coming and the dead will be raised than it is to believe that tomorrow I can live for God. It is so easy to comfort people who are mourning and say, ’Well, you’ll see your loved ones someday.’ That doesn’t take much faith. It takes a lot of faith to say, ’I have just lost my loved one but I am comforted with the assurance that God is with me and He does all things well.’ You see, although Martha knew from the Old Testament that there would be a resurrection from the dead, she didn’t believe that Jesus could help her now” (Thru The Bible, Vol. IV, pg. 439).
Fellow sufferers, please don’t miss the extraordinary importance of the fact that Jesus does not just declare that there will be a resurrection, but that He IS the resurrection and the life! Physical resurrection we must wait for, but spiritual and emotional resurrection is immediately present and available through Jesus Christ!
A CHOICE REMAINS – vv. 45-46, 53
We too frequently face this very same choice. Will we believe Jesus in all things and live for Him, and will we doubt and as a result conclude that the thing remaining is to ’kill’ Him (literally or figuratively)?
Ingrid Trobisch, reflecting on the death of her husband, Walter – a godly man whose writings have ministers to millions – wrote in an article for Partnership magazine (Sept-Oct. 1985):
“It took me many years to learn that no man on this earth can satisfy the deepest longings of a woman’s heart. Only One can do that. He is also the only one who can help me live with that deep hole, that deep pain in my heart . . . The pain is still there. He hasn’t filled it up yet, but he has made a bridge over it. I can live with it now and I can stand on this bridge and reach out to others.” (as quoted in Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide, by Dr. Gary R. Collins, pg. 360)
