Great Sex
Note: this is applicable to all men: young, old, married and single
Romance is God’s idea! God created the 2 sexes with a “need” for each other:
Gen.2:18 - “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
The entire book of Song of Solomon discusses romance, marriage and sex.
God created marriage and sex to be great and satisfying.
Sex is the reason each of us is alive and here tonight!
God created us with romantic desires and He wants us to fulfill those in the correct way.
Doing this our own way causes tons of problems.
Divorce, unplanned pregnancies, STDs.
There are God given rules for sex – these produce the best and most satisfying sex possible.
1Cor.6:18 – Sex is reserved for a committed marriage.
This provides the security and stability needed for a truly satisfying relational, emotional, spiritual, physical and progressive sex life.
This sex life is safe and actually contributes to the overall relationship.
Premarital sex typically pulls people apart.
Doing it His way results in the best and most sex.
Howard Hendricks said - “We should not be ashamed to talk about what God wasn’t ashamed to create.”
Christians need to start talking more about this issue.
State of our country - transgender bathroom laws, stats, etc.
Take the stand, be the light - it is needed now!!!
Men need and want to be challenged - so challenge them.
Silence, passivity and sin - sexual identity confusion, feminism, homosexuality, etc.
Men need to grow up and be men.
1 Cor.16:13 - “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.”
That requires that we begin thinking correctly about sex - the way God designed it.
Rom.12:1-2 – Be transformed by renewing your mind.
Repentance.
Heb.13:4 - “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
My experience after marriage - be patient, grow.
Fathers - Don’t worry about what your kids will hear today.
They’re hearing it far more from the other side already.
Getting sex-ed before they learn to balance a checkbook.
You need to start talking to them about this issue.
Pr.6:20-29 - Parents instruction protects from the wayward woman.
Resources in back.
You determine the sexual climate of your home.
Just a note: a father regulates daughter’s hormones, onset of puberty, etc.
Your sin (porn, movies, adultery, lust, turning your head, etc) affects your wife, children, your childrens’ friends and others.
Unable to lead/challenge/speak.
Spiritual umbrella has holes, you leave your home vulnerable.
Avg. 1st exposure at 8 yrs old and the largest group of viewers of Internet porn is children between ages 12 and 17 - Family Safe Media, 2005
Don’t sexualize your children.
Be careful who you let your children be around.
Be a Christ-like example and they will imitate you and vice versa.
1Tim.4:12 - Be an example in purity.
Be the covering for your home - keep the junk out!
Young men - you need to listen.
Most of what you’ve seen and heard will kill you.
(Sean Hannity says) "Most adults aren’t successful at romance", you need to learn a lot before you will be.
The best things come to those who wait.
You aren’t missing out by waiting - you’ll get so much more.
Dating.
If you struggle with porn - Don’t date!!!
Don’t burn bridges, don’t push the envelope.
1 Cor.10:31 - Whatever you do - do it to glorify God.
Summit lecture series on sex worldview.
You don’t have to miss what God has for you.
God’s way is best.
God’s standards are there for our own good.
Jn.10:10 – God promises an abundant life, that includes sex.
1Cor.2:9 – “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.”
Again, romance, marriage and sex are God’s idea - know and follow His plan.
All relationships involve attraction (Attraction is an emotion which involves admitting something is nice and beautiful compared to lust which is choosing to selfishly use, desire or gratify).
You can be attracted to a pizza or to a kitten (Affection), guys and gals as friends, your spouse (I hope you will be) and God.
You will be attracted to different individuals - attraction does not = Romance or sex.
Letting attraction lead you will get you into more trouble than you can imagine.
Attraction is a feeling, which can be good or bad depending on who is on the throne.
Attraction should never lead you; you lead it.
Decide what and who you will allow yourself to be attracted to.
Do it your way: You lose true manhood, the abundant life, freedom, fulfillment, your reputation, confidence, purity and satisfying sex that God intended for you, your wife looses the husband God intended for her, your kids loose the example and role model they so desperately need, your church, community and country loose the man God intended for them and ultimately God and eternity lose because your life calling, purpose and fruitfulness are limited and hindered. The Ripple effect of doing it your way – Guilt, shame, broken marriages and relationships and sexual frustration!
Do it God’s way: You win true manhood, the abundant life, freedom, fulfillment, your reputation, confidence, purity and satisfying sex that God intended for you, your wife wins the husband God intended for her, your kids win the example and role model they so desperately need, your church, community and country win the man God intended for them, and ultimately God and eternity win because your life calling, purpose and fruitfulness are not limited. The Ripple effect of doing it God’s way – Intimacy with God and your wife, encouraging relationships, purity, fulfillment and sexual satisfaction!
God’s purpose - the only description of the intensity of intimacy it is possible to have with God and closest we’ll ever get to understanding His Father heart.
God’s context: designed sex to be exhilarating - inside marriage.
God’s consequences (good): children.
1 Cor.6:12-20 - “‘Everything is permissible for me’ - but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’ - but I will not be mastered by anything. ‘Food for the stomach and the stomach for food’ - but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
Sex is progressive in marriage (it gets better and better), regressive in all other contexts.
“Practice makes perfect” applies to sex too.
Married couples get the most practice.
Cohabitation - most break up, of those that do marry they have higher and earlier divorce rates.
Compatability - NOT AN ISSUE.
Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual - if it’s just physical the physical will be dull.
Sex in the context of marriage is GREAT. Sex in marriage is:
Grounded - foundation, commitment, security, stability and safety (no fear of stds, etc., not to be crass but condoms suck).
Respectful - freedom to be yourself, and accept your spouse for who they are, safe to experiment and you’re able to grow together.
Equal - two individuals growing and learning together, communicating, sharing expectations and desires.
Agape love centered - selfless, unconditional love, serving and putting each other first, desiring each other’s highest good. No shame or regret.
Time enhanced - a past that is shared, a present to enjoy and a future to look forward to mean that sex gets better and better the longer you’re married.
Sex outside the context of marriage is AWFUL: Sex outside of marriage is:
Ambiguous - no foundation, no commitment, insecurity, instability and danger.
Weary - performance based acceptance, not safe to experiment and unable to grow in the relationship.
Factional - two individuals seeking their own ends, arguing with and misunderstanding each other.
Ungenerous, selfish and conditional, using each other for your own desires, full of shame and regret.
Lost time - a past full of regrets, a present that’s selfish and insecure and a future that’s uncertain mean that sex gets more painful and less satisfying the longer you’re in the cycle.
Not many people will ever experience abundant, satisfying sex that gets better over a lifetime of committed relationship. You can!
God wants you to love sex and to have correct sexual desires and expectations.
That only happens His way (He knows how He made you).
God wants you to be attracted to your wife, to be excited by your wife and to love sex with your wife.
Pr.5:15-20 - “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife?
Unfortunately: Jer.2:13 - We’ve replaced the Spring of living water with empty cisterns that don’t satisfy.
As great as sex is, though, sex alone is not the point. The context of sex is love and a committed, growing relationship.
1 Cor.13:4-8 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
SEX MUST EXIST AND GROW IN THIS CONTEXT OF LOVE.
Love your wife like Christ loved the church (Eph.5:25) and she will love you like you always hoped she would.
If you think sex is about you and your needs, you will never achieve satrisfying sex and your needs won’t be met.
Selfishness kills sex.
Sex is not about your wife’s body - watch your words, and expectations.
Don’t compare her to others. - lust/adultery are about pride.
God’s framework for abundance (come up with analogy).
Abstinence before marriage.
Too good not to wait.
Too dangerous not to wait.
Stats...40%...etc
Too bad they don’t make one for your heart...
Waiting = spirit of the law.
Don’t push the envelope - oral sex is sex.
Monogomy in marriage.
Stats on cheating.
Call guys out - Repent.
Do it your way and loose, do it His way and win.
Temptation and sin.
God has provided the most fulfilling answer to our sexual needs.
Satisfying it in other ways is sin and it is sin against God.
Ps.51:4 - Against you and you only have I sinned.
Satan’s perversion
1Thes. 4:3-7, Heb.13:4, 1Pet.4:3, Jude v.7, Rev.21:8 and many others – Don’t give in to sexual immorality.
Lust - 2nd look, turned head. Gratifying eyes.
Choosing to satisfy a need by looking.
Mt.5:28 - “I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Job. 31:3 - “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look with lust upon a young woman.”
Porn = lust = sin.
Porn is a chemically addictive habit - epinephrine released when sexually stimulated.
Epinephrine increases memory ability - you won’t just forget those images!
Dr. Jeffrey Satinover’s testimony to the U.S Senate in 2004 - “Modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction"
Stats:
Aug. 2006 - 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography (Marketwire.com).
“On the ground” stats - 90 - 95% of Christian Men, ~100% of rest
From a Focus on the Family study:
51% of pastors admitted struggling with porn.
40% admit viewing porn recently.
18% of clergy said they visited sexually explicit Web sites between "a couple of times a month" and "more than once a week."
25% use internet filters.
Sexual sin and porn are # one reason people leave missions and ministry!
Student quotes - “Porn has controlled me for more than half my life,” “I can’t look at anyone without thinking sexual thoughts,” I was afraid to serve God because of my addiction.”
Discuss masterbation.
Don’t feed the monster.
1 Cor.10:31, Mt.5:28 again, are you honoring God, is it lustful?
Adultery = meeting an ego need.
It starts small - a slippery slope.
Homosexuality - doesn’t get talked about enough - big issue in the Christian world.
Not genetically determined.
But not chosen either - 34%
Sexualizing the need for masculine companionship.
This is not a fulfilling lifestyle!
Modal (most frequent) range for homosexual number of lifetime sexual partners is between 101 and 500, with 10.2-15.7% having between 500 and 1000 partners and 10.2-15.7% having over 1000 lifetime sexual partners (Journal of Sex Research 34, 1997, p.354).
Only 2.7% of older homosexual men reported having only 1 lifetime sexual partner (Journal of sex research, 34, 1997, p.354).
Note: The contrast - 77% of married heterosexual men and 88% of married heterosexual women remain monogamous (Journal of Sex Research 34, 1997, p.170).
This is a dangerous lifestyle!
Gay men - 54.8% of total HIV cases in the U.S (but only 1% of the population).
~17.5% of gay men are infected with the HIV virus, while 0.176% of heterosexual men are infected with the HIV virus.
Gay men are more than 99 times as likely to contract HIV (CDC)
Life expectancy for gay men age 20 is 8 to 20 years shorter than for their heterosexual counterparts – it is estimated that up to half of gay men age 20 will not reach their 65th birthdays (International Journal of Epidemiology 26, 1997, p.657).
If you feel same sex attraction realize you have a natural need for masculine affirmation and friendship - it doesn’t have to be sexual.
There is a ton of help too. Talk to me later.
Married men: Porn, lust and adultery are searching for something you already have.
Single men: Porn, lust and promiscuity are robbing you of what God wants you to have.
Results of Satan’s perversion:
Hurt yourself
Live in guilt, shame and regret.
Don’t experience abundant life in this area.
Hurt others - roughly 1 in 3 girls, 1 in 6 boys and many others later in life.
Frankly, I can name few women who weren’t manipulated, taken advantage of, abused, used or molested at some point in their first 20 years of life.
Men, keep your hands and other appendages to yourselves.
Rom.6:12-24 - don’t offer your body up for unrighteousness.
Even if it was concentual.
Memories last, their future is hurt - stories.
And if it wasn’t -
They’ll be working through these issues for YEARS to come.
Why the fight is tough - Masculinity naturally makes it tough.
We’re PROUD - Lust (esp. adultery) is more about pride than sex.
Insecurities seemingly satisfied.
We’re rebellious by nature. We would rather do things our way.
We have a strong natural sex drive.
We are sight oriented - can satisfy sexual desires visually.
We can visualize mental sexual foreplay.
Purity is unreactivity with the world - a life-long battle we each fight!
Body of death: The Aeneid, 8.484-8.488, Freeman, p. 537, Gill on Rom. 7:24 quoted from Hearts of Fire Reproductions - “Roman society knew a gruesome form of capital punishment (practiced primarily by Etruscan pirates in Northern Italy) in which the body of the murdered person would be chained to the murderer (hand to hand, face to face, etc.) In the hot Mediterranean sun, the body would quickly decay, spreading not only rancid odor but also deadly infection to the murderer. The doomed criminal would carry this awful burden until the decay and infection from the corpse finally ended his own miserable existence. It was only possible to be freed from the horrors of this punishment if someone else chose to carry the body in the place of the murderer, carrying it to his death.”
The fight is a good fight though, it’s part of the refining process.
Victory is possible.
Winning the fight.
Bondage and slavery are NOT O.K! - Gal.5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
Adultery - break it up, Promiscuity - end it, Lust and porn - beat it!
The Sin cycle (Desire, temptation, sin, conviction) culminates in one of 2 ways:
We can run from God, hiding from Him and rationalizing our sin.
Adam and Eve (Gen.3:6-12) - Desired the fruit and its wisdom, tempted to sin against God, sinned, felt convicted and ran from God.
When we rationalize we begin believing a lie (Rom.1:28).
That results in bondage and isolation from God and others.
Or, we can run to God, confessing the sin (1 Jn.1:9).
When we walk in the light, we know the Truth.
That results in freedom (Jn.8:32) and fellowship with God and others (1 Jn.1:6-7).
Review: Sin, Confession, fellowship and relationship Chart.
If you have struggled in this area, God’s mercy, grace & victory are available.
Choose to be devoted to God and your wife (even if you’re not yet married).
Step 1: Confess your sin every time you fall!
1 Jn.1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
You’ll have renewed impetus for victory!
Ps.103:12 - “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”
Step 2: Choose to fight, walking in the victory He promises.
First: you got to want to win! You must choose to win.
It boils down to Lordship
Eph.5:3-5 - not be even a hint of sexual immorality.
Repent! Change your mind and thoughts about this.
Hate the sin.
War on the flesh - can’t rehab the flesh.
Good choices lead to further good choices.
Bad choices lead to further bad choices.
Run from the temptation: Remember Joseph’s example (Gen.39:12)
Habits can be broken in 6 weeks!
Set yourself up for success - build strong defenses.
Mt.5:29-30 - eliminate stumbling blocks!
Phil.3:3 - no confidence in flesh, Rom.13:14 - No provision for the flesh.
Second: Beat temptation at the level of desire.
Remember: Heb.4:15 - He’s walked the same road.
1 Cor.10:13 - No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
James 1:14 - “But each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
Desire, temptation, sin, conviction (Jn.16:8)
Ps.37:4 - Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Draw near to God, He will change your desires, temptation dies.
Choose what desires to feed: GIGO Garbage in, garbage out.
What TV and movies do you watch? Do you love the world?
Daily QT:
Lk.22:40 - "Pray that you will not fall into temptation."
Ps.119:11 – Hide Word in your heart (read, study, memorize, meditate on and apply) and you won’t sin.
Think like Jesus and you’ll act like Jesus!
Fight temptation with scripture, like Jesus (Lk.4)
2 Dogs analogy.
Win in the power of The Holy Spirit.
Eph.5:18 – Be filled with His Spirit, Ez.36:27 - His Spirit empowers you to obey.
Develop good habits: Three main defenses.
Guard your eyes. Job.31:1 – Choose what you’ll look at.
Guard your mind. 2Cor.10:5 – Choose what you’ll think about.
Guard your heart. Pr.4:23-27 - Choose what you desire.
Use good tools: Memorize scripture, read good books (ex. Every man’s battle), use an internet filter, Covenant eyes (.com) internet accountability.
Stay accountable or you will fail!
James 5:16 - Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
1 Jn.1:7 - But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
Accountability specifics(Describe Austin and my accountability): 2nd look = lust, vulnerable & honest about everything, pray together.
Beat it now! Potential to lust increases over lifetime as the stakes get higher.
A marriage and sex life everyone else is jealous of.
Sexless marriages - stats (1 in 5???).
If your needs aren’t met you’re likely the reason why.
If the physical is the focus it distracts from what’s important (ex. communication), if what is important is there, the physical becomes GREAT.
It is not the glue that holds the marriage together but a barometer of the marriage.
Mt.6:33 - “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Mt.10:39 - Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Get out what you invest - money in the bank.
How do you invest? LOVE CHRIST AND THEN LOVE HER LIKE CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH.
Apply 1 Cor.13:4-8 - Communication, “foreplay,” manipulation (don’t make your wife feel like a prostitute), serving, love her for her, time, cuddle, play with her hair, relationship as a whole.
If you serve your wife everywhere else, she will serve you in sex...
Erin is generous to me because she knows she can trust me.
Summary.
The abundant life is possible - paint the picture.
Power of the Holy Spirit.
If you’ve been hurt...Get help, walk in grace.
If you’ve hurt others...seek forgiveness and healing,
walk in grace and follow God now.
Restored purity, renewed virginity.
If you struggle with porn, lust, etc...
If you struggle with homosexuality...
Don’t forget...
Fathers - resources on table.
Young men - talk to your dad or pastor about some of this stuff.
