As we continue in our series ‘Restoring the Gift of Our Sexuality’… I thought you might appreciate knowing a little more how the choice to do this series came about. This little video kind of fills it in…
[VIDEO: VCF SEXUALITY SHORT (by Nate Torrence) ]
Well… needless to say… I got the message.
And I want to say to my anonymous friend… and to each of us… I believe God wants us to RELAX.
As we noted last week… sexuality is a sacred and wonder-full reflection of God… that we now experience in the strangest mix of ways. It’s a part of our identity and our insecurity… of strength and shame… of the tenderness and harshness.
We seem to live in the mix of repression and obsession… inhibition and indulgence.
The only one NOT hung up in sexual confusion… is God.
And today I want to help us consider the goodness of marital physical intimacy.
Last week as we considered the words of Genesis that speaks of our design… I described what I believe to be God’s design for sexual intimacy… that it reflects the uniting nature of lifelong partnership. Sexual passion is the stimulating of a God-given longing within us for oneness; through the pleasure of releasing both personal and physical boundaries… therefore it’s inherently a part of lifelong partnership. Experiencing oneness without being one violates our personhood. I understand that may be hard for some to accept… and you may not agree at this point. We’ll look consider this further in the weeks ahead. But on this premise I want to help us grasp what God has designed and desired in marital intimacy.
I want to say a word to those who are not married…. I know it may be hard to hear anything about sexuality that you feel is not available to you. It may seem like holding an investment seminar when you’re broke.
Let me note that this will be the only week focused on marital intimacy per se… and we will discuss God’s wisdom for sexuality for those unmarried as well as conclude our series on how we can relate supportively together as married and unmarried adults.
Along those lines, I hope that you will not feel that what God intends for marital intimacy isn’t relevant to you.
• If you could ever get married in the future… it is relevant to you.
• More importantly…if you know anyone who is married and care about them… it is relevant to you.
In fact, one of the most difficult challenges in our sexual experience is NOT simply what happens in the world of single adults… it’s often the tensions that emerge in married life.
Perhaps for those single… it sounds like you are just being placated… and it’s a little hard to have sympathy. My hope is that we can set aside comparisons… and become friends who care to understand what God has for one another’s experience.
In fact, I want us to hear What God inspired in a man believed to have been unmarried himself… about sexual intimacy in marriage.
(Note: a more informal paraphrased translation)
1 Corinthians 7:1-7 (MSG)
1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2 Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. 3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. 4 Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 5 Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. 6 I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 7 Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.
The words of the Apostle Paul here may not sound like the greatest promotion of marriage.
In fact the wording of other translations can seem even more questionable, as if Paul merely resigns marriage as a necessity for the less self controlled.
While Paul certainly has reasons to see the benefits of celibacy… we need to understand that he is beginning to address particular issues and questions raised by those in Corinth.
These were lives that had heard and responded to the good news… (Gospel),….but as those living in ancient Greece they were surrounded by the philosophies and understandings of their day. And so they had written to Paul for wisdom…. (Note v. 1)
Appears the first question was “Is it good to have sexual relations? (or other Translations. – ‘Is it good for a man to touch a woman?’… and is referring to the context of marriage.)
To really understand the question, we need to remember the philosophy that was pervading the culture at the time… DUALISM = a complete separation of material and spiritual… and that which is of the earthly desires and bodily life being deemed either an enemy of the spiritual or at least irrelevant.
Out of this false separation, some conclude we can do anything with your body you’d like. Others found in this dualistic thinking a more ascetic approach to life… detach themselves from their sexuality.
> This included those who were married thinking that such physical pleasure may be unfitting of spiritual life.
The truth is that our feelings about sex today, including sexual intimacy in marriage, are often still caught between repression… and obsession.
And Paul reminds us that neither the indulgent nor the inhibited are seeing clearly.
As quoted last week…
Rob Bell - "When we deny the spiritual dimension to our existence, we end up living like animals. And when we deny the physical, sexual dimensions to our existence we end up living like angels. And both ways are destructive, because God made us human." (Sex God, p 58)
Here he’s primarily confronting those who are withdrawing from physical intimacy in their marriages.
So this is not merely a word of resignation, but affirmation of the goodness of physical intimacy in marriage.
….In that light we all need to hear God’s heart for physical intimacy in marriage.
I. God’s Heart For Physical Intimacy In Marriage.
1. Physical intimacy in marriage is GOOD.
One of the tendencies we have towards dealing with sexuality and sexual expressions...is that we consider immorality only in light of doing something wrong… as opposed to recognizing the good that is at the heart of the issue.
We think that God sees sex as a problem. That itself can be our sickness. We will talk more about the struggles of addiction and identity in the next couple weeks… but today I want to affirm what is good.
Foundations of our sexuality are found in..
Genesis 1:27; 2:24-25
So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Here we have the foundations of this dynamic union. It’s a picture of two complete but complimentary beings coming together as a partnership… really as a NEW ENTITY.
Leave…. “be united” (cleave)… become one flesh. = joining in a physical / sexual intimacy.
We find that the goodness of it all is grounded in the whole of the union itself…. of the lifelong new entity that’s been created… of marriage.
“both naked and felt no shame.” = It’s a shameless union. They could be physically naked with each other…. because they could be exposed to one another in heart and soul as well.
Shouldn’t surprise us that we here of people like…
Cagmar O’Connor…
“Based on my fifteen years as a practicing Masters and Johnson-trained therapist, I’ve concluded that lifelong committed sex has the potential to be more thrilling, more varied, more satisfying in every way than any other sexual arrangement you can think of.” -From How to Make Love to the Same Person for the Rest of Your Life, by Cagmar O’Connor
Despite all that our culture wants to believe… research continually reveals that the most satisfying sexual relationships are those of life-long monogamous married relationships.
And so it is that the whole of creation culminates in this description of male and female uniting in marriage…. and the physical intimacy that is a part of it. God says of such union, as with all he created, it is “good…..very good.”
Physical intimacy is not the catalyst of marriage, but rather the culmination… and in this sense is to be celebrated and cherished.
> Everyone who is married… as well as… desires to be married… needs to recognize that
our physical intimacy is a wonderful…. sacred…. good thing.
2. Physical intimacy in marriage is meant to satisfy NATURAL and SENSUAL desire. (Pleasure)
As people who really value are spiritual nature, we may be comfortable acknowledging that physical intimacy is good, but perhaps a bit awkward with thinking God really intended such pleasure.
> Yet in a very beautiful fashion, God’s Word celebrates that sensual dimension of physical intimacy in marriage.
Paul not only affirms but even calls for both husbands and wives to ‘satisfy’ one another. Yes… it is a sacred means for being co-creators of life… but there is also a dimension of pleasure… of satisfying natural sensual desires.
Consider the very sensual language by which sexual intimacy was celebrated by God’s people
Proverbs 5:18-19
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer--
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be captivated by her love.
Song of Solomon 5:10-16 – Which is a unique description of love….. as one of God’s great gifts. (Can almost be embarrassing.)
Beloved
My lover is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
[11] His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.
[12] His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.
[13] His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.
[14] His arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.
[15] His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.
[16] His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.
…. His response…
Song of Solomon 7:6-9
How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!
[7] Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.
[8] I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,
[9] and your mouth like the best wine.
Beloved
May the wine go straight to my lover,
flowing gently over lips and teeth.
Though the images may seem humorously distant from our culture… this is a beautiful expression of the sensual pleasure found in the physical intimacy of marriage.
Nothing prude…. but nothing crude or rude. It’s a celebration of sensuality that doesn’t reduce the other to an object…. But rather observes the other and appreciates the body.
This ultimate love story shows marital sex to be erotic and PERSONAL, romantic and FUN, passionate and PATIENT.
3. Physical intimacy in marriage is meant to be MUTUAL.
Key to physical intimacy is MUTUALITY… the unselfish giving of yourself.
In the day that Paul declared these words…. Confronted the superiority of men….
Today these words confront the claims of our “individualism.”
Not referring to our being individuals…. which celebrates our uniqueness, but to individualism…. which claims our sovereignty.
We’ve become a new entity, in which our lives are not our own…. and neither are our bodies.
Paul is not encouraging some sort of obligation that lends itself to being used or abused… His very point is to call for mutuality. But he confronts the kind of independence which can lend itself to using physical intimacy as a weapon…. A means of power whereby we withhold our physical intimacy as means of communicating our independence.
Paul says that if were doing this…. We’re making ourselves vulnerable to the temptations of the enemy to find such physical intimacy outside the marriage.
Goes on to say that such pleasure is not to be restrained unless by mutual consent, for the purpose such as prayer and fasting… and only for a short while.
So how are we to look at our own experiences of sexual intimacy in our marriages?
> As God’s gift to the intimacy between husband and wife, physical intimacy should be VALUED and ENJOYED on a REGULAR basis.
All of these adjectives will vary in degree…
Will our value always be the same? > No… but we can still each share in valuing it.
Will the level of enjoyment always be the same? > No… but enjoyment can always be a part.
What is regular… I’m going to suggest that during most years of our young and middle adult years… we should be especially aware of where each other is at. In other words, if less than weekly, there is a good chance that our sense of intimacy is being neglected.
II. Guarding and Guiding the Good Gift
Sexual intimacy may seem like such a natural desire that it hardly needs guarding or guidance… but we don’t live in the garden of our natural state… and so there is a lot that isn’t natural… that didn’t exist in us and around us. The truth is that most marriages find both joy and tensions. Many of us will face resentments… and at times… a ‘creeping separateness.’
So let me name some of what can help us…
1. Grow beyond our past .
By this I mean ALL that can influence what we bring to the experience of being physically intimate.
• Being uninformed or misinformed
• So much of our learning is indirect… we pick it up from everyone who we’ve had around us… our parents, our friends, and our culture.
• God knows our culture certainly has its limits as a teacher. While it’s saturated with sexual activity…. It’s often at a loss for the real intimacy which God intended.
• As a result…. We should never presume we know everything about healthy sexual intimacy. Marriage partners should be life-long learners.
Even more than being uninformed and misinformed… we mane have
• Negative experiences
Many of us have had earlier experiences of physical intimacy that were far from what God intended. We may have had inappropriate relationships or been inappropriately treated.
As a result we can have some negative feelings associated with phsical intimacy.
• We may carry shame because it’s been inappropriate.
• We may carry pressure because it been about performance more than intimacy.
• We may carry resentment because such physical touch was imposed upon us.
• We may carry fear because the vulnerabilities of life have proven painful.
As a result we’ve attached such feelings to physical intimacy itself….. rather than on what was involved in those particular situations.
It’s out of such a place that we need to be willing to grow. Jesus not only reached into the deep places of life with those he engaged in his earthly life… he still does. He sent His Spirit to continue to minister… and to reclaim and restore us. So with His love at hand… we can be honest with ourselves… and with our spouses… and begin to experience healing and freedom from the past.
2. Understand and appreciate the different dynamics of desire… particularly between men and women.
It’s no news that men and women are wired different. Because of problems from our past either may have their desires skewed… but in general…
• Women generally find that emotional connection… and being personally valued… leads to sexual desire.
• Men generally feel sexual desire as a means to feeling emotionally connected.
As a result there is a common tension that arises and needs some understanding…
• Men feel their wives just can’t appreciate sexual pleasure… or worse… just don’t care about their husband’s desires.
> In truth… women are as sexual as men… just sexually different. Most really do care about their husbands desires… but may feel intimidated at how to relate when there physical desires are so different.
• Women feel that what men want is just physical.
> In truth, men don’t just want sexual release. They want to be wanted…. They desire a connection as much as women do… only it’s met in the process of physical intimacy rather than precedes it.
While this difference can naturally create resentment and tension… it can also provide a healthy dynamic when each is understood and appreciated.
One may serve as the driving force… and the other as the guiding force.
3. Avoid reducing what is deeply profound and personal to that of performance.
Now last week we saw the significance of God creating human life as uniquely in His image and commissioning them with the power to create more God bearing creatures. That idea has led some to reduce sexual intimacy to merely it’s procreating potential. Yet here we are reminded that sexual intimacy is a gift that involves the love of providing pleasure.
Now our culture has tended to reduce sexual intimacy to pleasure by trying to fend off and forget the potential to create life.
I think it’s important to see how these are meant to both blend into the beauty of sexual intimacy.
It’s the power to create life that reflects something of a sacred trust. Even if a couple chooses to limit that possibility or other circumstances do… the fact that the act is still that which is designed for creating life should sustain a respect for it’s significance.
Lauren F. Winner challenges the assumption that sex can be wholly separated from procreation…
Christian tradition has historically articulated a threefold purpose for sex: sex is meant to be unitive, procreative, and sacramental. That means, in simpler language, that sex is meant to unite two people, it is meant to (bear) children, and it is meant to recall, and even reenact, the promise …of lifelong faithfulness.
Experience, nature, and scripture suggest that there is a deep connection between the work of sex and the possibility of procreation.
Technologically effective birth control has severed those connections. We can reaffirm them without necessarily land¬ing at the Roman Catholic position— Christians can accept birth control while also critically examining the culture of contracep¬tion. The question we need to ask, I think, is what kind of sexual persons contraception invites us to be.
- Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner, pp87-90
This in part guards from the place in which pleasure itself becomes idolatrous. Our culture has become rather proud of how far it has been able to sever sexual pleasure from anything of relational significance. We no longer think of sexual intimacy… but sex… and the term is used in a recreational way… like a sport. And what are sports about? Performance. And there lies the tragedy.
God gave his children the ability to enter a responsible life creating potential partnership and enjoy the whole joy of the pleasure… where relational care and commitment could shape an experience of freedom and pleasure.
Allowing sexual intimacy to become defined by performance is a tragic loss of the real joy that is intended. It is good to value the pleasure that satisfies… and even explore that as two people who care about one another. But when it’s reduced to performance it robs us.
Laura Winner –
The real question is not whether we can counter the message that sex is just like racquetball, but whether we can also articulate a Christian alternative to the ideal of sex as an otherworldly, illicit romance, an escape from domestic life.
A Christian ethics of sex, love, and marriage needs to reconceive sex and love as practices that exist ideally only within the basic prosaic rhythms of house and home: candlelight, long-stemmed roses, and lingerie can’t sus¬tain love, but domestic economies can. Our humanity cannot be separated from the moments of joy, anger, friendship, sadness, attention, confusion, tedium, and wonder that unfold over time and in specific places.
Our task is not to cultivate moments when eros can whisk us away from our ordinary routines, but rather to love each other as eros becomes imbedded in, and transformed by, the daily warp and woof of married life.
I think it’s fantastic that Christians are able to embrace—indeed, pursue—bodily pleasure and the unique ecstasy of sex. But have we also begun to parrot a story that says sex is always supposed to be exciting, that defines good sex by the frequency of the orgasm?
Secular culture, after all, has made a fetish of sexual tech¬nique, suggesting that if we just follow the steamy tips of ex¬perts, sex will be frequent, and always a fantastic production. This is the message that creeps into our e-mail inboxes in the seemingly incessant unsolicited ads for potions, pills, and devices that will "increase sexual performance" (itself a disturbing phrase suggesting that sex is a theatrical production to be enacted according to the dictates of a director, a play cloaked in cos¬tumes and props).
Good sex, to be sure, is characterized by physical pleasure. It is also conditioned by moral context. It is inextricable from domestic routine. Moms and dads do need to be intentional about making time for sex, but Christians can perhaps remind the broader culture that good sex, by definition, is part and parcel of, not antagonistic to, ordinary marriages and domestic life.
- Real Sex – the naked truth about chastity by Lauren F. Winner, pp. 63-83, 97-100
What a vital and liberating truth. I hope every marriage can begin to appreciate the role of real life… that the connection that sexual intimacy enjoys… is that which is developed in all the less glamorous nature of life.
4. Develop open and caring communication about our experience.
Learning to talk openly about what you’re experiencing and desiring.
Sexual intimacy is probably the most difficult thing for most married couples to talk about…
• Often neglected due to the daily demands that are more immediate
• It is more often just sensitive… due to a sense of modesty, shame, or vulnerability
John Gottman… perhaps THE most widely established researchers of marriage… says…
“No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they ‘vague out,’ making it difficult to decipher what they are trying to tell each other.
“Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets you both feel safe.”
John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ p. 200-201
CONCLUSION –
Physical intimacy in marriage was intended to reflect the love that flows in covenant. And as such we do well to apply love as the guiding principle in all we do. Some have even noted that it can be helpful to read the words by which espouses what love is… in the poetic text of 1 Corinthians… and apply it to the nature of sexual intimacy… by using that term wherever love is described.
1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (NIV)
Physical intimacy is patient.
Physical intimacy is kind.
Physical intimacy does not envy.
Physical intimacy does not boast, it is not proud.
Physical intimacy is not rude.
Physical intimacy is not self-seeking.
Physical intimacy is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Physical intimacy does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
PRAYER –
Ask those unmarried… to take a moment… and ask for God’s heart for those you know who are married. Begin to pray for them as you sense His desire.
For those married… begin to offer what you may be aware of in your own feelings that God may want to help heal and restore…. perhaps shame, insecurity, resentment, or fear. Begin to ask for greater understanding… and love.
