RESOLVING CONFLICT GOD’S WAY
"HOW TO MAKE A POINT...WITHOUT MAKING AN ENEMY"
PHILEMON
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Is it possible to deal with a situation head on in such a way that you are able to get your point across to the other person without them resenting you for making the point?
I. THE SITUATION: Why did Paul write this letter to Philemon?
When Paul wrote this letter he was in prison in Rome. Was this Paul’s final incarceration before his beheading?
"Paul, the apostle, who before was called Saul, after his great travail and unspeakable labors in promoting the Gospel of Christ, suffered also in this first persecution under Nero. Abdias, declareth that under his execution Nero sent two of his esquires, Ferega and Parthemius, to bring him word of his death. They, coming to Paul instructing the people, desired him to pray for them, that they might believe; who told them that shortly after they should believe and be baptized at His sepulcher. This done, the soldiers came and led him out of the city to the place of execution, where he, after his prayers made, gave his neck to the sword." — Fox’s Book of Martyrs
Just before the end of Paul’s life he writes this letter to Philemon, a wealthy Christian living in the city of Colossae who hosted a church in his own home. Philemon had owned a slave named Onesimus. At some point in the past, Onesimus had escaped from his owner Philemon and traveled to the city of Rome. Through the providence of God he was introduced to Paul while he was in prison. Paul led Onesimus to Christ and afterwards Onesimus became a faithful friend to Paul.
Onesimus decided to return to Philemon. Paul was concerned that Philemon would not receive Onesimus with Christian love, so he wrote this letter to Philemon to appeal to him to receive this man back, not as a slave, but as a brother in Christ.
II. THE CONVERSATION: How did Paul make his point to Philemon without making Philemon his enemy?
1. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to appreciate that person.
"I always thank my God when I mention you in my prayers..." - Philemon 4
Paul began his conversation with Philemon by showing appreciation for him. Now this is a much better way to begin an already difficult conversation. He begins by showing Philemon how much he appreciates him. Paul mentions two specific qualities he particularly appreciates about Philemon; his love and his faith.
When you have a difficult conversation why is it important to begin on a positive note by showing appreciation?
"If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive." - Dale Carnegie
To start with appreciation is not manipulative, it’s just being wise.
Let’s ask this question. Why would we ever start off a conversation being negative when we can begin by being positive? Why would we ever do that?
I think the answer is because it’s hard to stay positive when you feel negative. It’s a lot easier to just lay into the other person and let them have it.
• It takes no emotional control to blow up but it requires great self-control to build up.
"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." - Proverbs 29:11 (NIV)
"Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." - I Corinthians 8:1 (NIV)
You say, "Well, I’m angry about what they’ve done." Then give yourself some time to cool off before you talk to them.
Or you say, "Well, It’s not what they’ve done to me. And anyway I don’t love them" then you’re probably not the best person to confront them.
Loving someone should come before confronting them, speak the truth in love, Paul said.
"The deepest principle in human nature is the desire to be appreciated." - William James
2. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to pray for that person.
"I pray that your participation in the faith may become effective through knowing every good thing that is in us for the glory of Christ." Philemon 6
Paul moves from being thankful for Philemon to being prayerful about Philemon. By the way did you notice what Paul’s prayer for Philemon was?
Paul didn’t say, "Philemon, I’m praying that God get’s a hold of you and shakes some sense into you." His prayer was much more unselfish than that.
Paul was praying that Philemon might grow in his understanding of who he was in Christ. Paul wanted Philemon’s self-image to continue getting better.
Paul was not concerned with the way Philemon saw him, but with the way Philemon saw himself.
Sometimes, as we approach this kind of conversation we’re worried that the other person might get mad at us. But Paul’s approach was love. There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out all fear. If Paul had been afraid of what Philemon thought of him then his love would not have been mature yet. But Paul didn’t seem to be worried about that. Paul was thinking of Philemon out of love not fear.
"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love." - I John 4:18 (CSB)
Let me ask you: Are you more worried about the way this other person sees you or are you thinking of the way this person sees themself?
When you and I pray for the person we are confronting we make a spiritual investment in that individual. We come to see them as God sees them.
One of the more difficult parts of having these kinds of conversations is that we don’t always see the other person the way God sees them.
We see the other person in terms of how they’ve hurt us, or someone we love. And so we’re naturally angry or upset. And our emotions tend to skew our perspective on the situation and the person we’re dealing with.
So praying for the other person is beneficial because it allows us to begin to see the situation and the other person(s) through God’s eyes.
"There is nothing that makes us love a man so much as prayer for him." - William Law
3. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to encourage that person.
"For I have great joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother." - Philemon 7
Now I really like what Paul does next. He moves from being thankful and prayerful to giving concrete encouragement. He tells Philemon how his life has been a personal encouragement to him. Paul shares with Philemon how he has benefited from Philemon’s life, influence and service.
Paul says, "Philemon, I hear about the way you are with other Christians and that encourages me."
Now what if Paul had said, "I can’t think of anything nice to say about Philemon"? I can’t think of one good thing about this guy."
That’s what some of us say sometimes. We say, "Well, I can’t think of anything good about this person. It’s all bad. There’s nothing good in him/her."
The fact is...before Paul made his point...he made it a point to think of something he could encourage Philemon with.
If you say, "This person hasn’t been a personal encouragement to me. They’ve just been a big thorn in my flesh."
If that’s how you feel, then at least do what Paul did. Paul says, "I have great joy and encouragement from your love, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you, brother." In other words, Philemon, I know some people who have told me they were ministered to by your life.
Even if that person hasn’t ministered to you, there are people that have benefitted from their association with this person. At the very least you can acknowledge this before making your big point.
4. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to affirm their status.
"For this reason, although I have great boldness in Christ to command you to do what is right, I appeal, instead, on the basis of love. I, Paul, as an elderly man and now as a prisoner of Jesus Christ, appeal to you..." - Philemon 8-10
Now this is an important step in the process. Paul tells Philemon that although he had the right to force Philemon to do this, instead he wanted to appeal to Philemon out of love to do what was right.
In other words, Paul had the spiritual authority as an Apostle to command Philemon to accept his point. Philemon might not acknowledge Paul’s authority but Christ certainly did and if he’d wanted to he had a right to exercise that authority over Philemon.
But rather than doing this, Paul says, "I’m not coming to you as a superior but as a brother."
Paul says, "I come to you, not as an apostle so much as an old man and one who has suffered personally for the cause of Jesus Christ."
"We interact with people in one of three basic modes: superior to inferior, inferior to superior and equal to equal." - Nido Qubien, How To Be A Great Communicator
"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
5. BEFORE YOUR MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to introduce your topic.
"I, Paul, as an elderly man and now also as a prisoner of Jesus Christ, appeal to you for my child, whom I fathered while in chains, Onesimus." - Philemon 10
Notice all that Paul has done just to get him to this place in the conversation. He’s given sincere appreciation. He’s prayed for Philemon. He’s encouraged him. He’s affirmed Philemon’s worth as an equal in the Lord. And only now is he ready to introduce his subject to Philemon.
He’s not making his point yet. He’s simply telling Philemon what he wants to talk with him about.
Sample Summary:
"Philemon, thanks for meeting with me today. I know you’re busy and I really appreciate all you’re doing for the Lord. I’m praying for you that God will keep making you effective in serving him. By the way, the way you handled yourself on that last project really made an impact on John and Joyce. They told me how wonderful it was to see your joy and humility in serving the Lord. Are you planning any more projects like that?
Philemon, the reason I asked you to meet with me is because I want to talk with you about...Onesimus, your former slave."
6. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to state your understanding of the situation.
"Once he was useless to you, but now he is useful to both you and me. I am sending him-- a part of myself-- back to you. I wanted to keep him with me, so that in my imprisonment for the gospel he might serve me in your place." - Philemon 12-13
Paul says, "Philemon, I know that at one time Onesimus was useless to you. But things have changed, as I see them. As a matter of fact, I would have liked to keep Onesimus with me so he could help me. That’s how useful he is to me."
7. BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to let them know you value their thoughts and freedom to make their own decision.
"But I didn’t want to do anything without your consent, so that your good deed might not be done out of obligation, but of your own free will." - Philemon 14
8. NOW MAKE YOUR POINT...State what you want them to do.
"So, if you consider me a partner, accept him as you would me." - Philemon 17
Here’s the point...I’m really hoping that you will accept Onesimus back into your household in the same way you would accept me.
9. AS YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...Ask if you have offended this person and be willing to apologize.
"And if he has wronged you in any way, or owes you anything, charge that to my account." - Philemon
10. AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...Ask them if they will do what you’ve asked them to do.
"Can I ask you for a commitment?" is a question you can use.
"Yes, brother, may I have joy from you in the Lord; refresh my heart in Christ." - Philemon 20
11. AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR POINT...make it a point to assure them that you have confidence in them that they will do what is right.
"Since I am confident of your obedience, I am writing to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say." - Philemon 21
12. AFTER YOU’VE MADE YOUR POINT... make it a point to plan a time to see them in the near future.
"But meanwhile, also prepare a guest room for me, for I hope that through your prayers I will be restored to you." - Philemon 22
III. THE CONCLUSION: What was the outcome of Paul’s letter to Philemon?
"The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit." - Philemon 25
