RELIVE OR FORGIVE
INTRODUCTION: I titled my message relive or forgive because when it comes to wrongs committed against us these are the two choices we are faced with. We can either continue to hold grudges and resentments and spend our life justifying our ill feelings (relive) or we can choose to put these to death and move on (forgive). Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes we say we’ve forgiven but we find ourselves reliving the past and we conjure up old wounds that show we really haven’t moved beyond the offense. Is forgiveness really possible? How can we truly forgive and move on?
1) Do we want to forgive? Sometimes we want to carry around the wrongs committed against us. It gives us justification for why we think and behave the way we do. “Don’t blame me. It’s not my fault I act this way.” We proceed to tell the story of whatever it was that caused us damage in the past that we still use for excuses today. I’m not minimizing past traumas you may have suffered at the hands of someone else. These events can cause some lasting damage that can take a long time to work through and overcome. But are we purposely holding onto anger and resentments with an attitude of vindictiveness? ‘I don’t want to forgive; I want to get revenge.’ Malachy McCourt said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Are we harboring and justifying our vengeful spirit or are we willing to acknowledge that it’s wrong and make a real attempt at correcting it? If we are going to move toward forgiveness we need to ask ourselves, “Do I want to forgive?” C. S. Lewis said, "We all agree that forgiveness is a beautiful idea until we have to practice it."
2) What if they aren’t sorry? What do we do when someone has wronged us but they don’t ask us for forgiveness? What then? We often feel that we don’t need to forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it. If they’re not repentant, then I don’t need to forgive them. Did Jesus wait for repentance from those who were at the cross? No, he asked the Father to forgive them despite their attitude and behavior. Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” But wait. Jesus asked the Father to forgive them because they didn’t know what they were doing. That’s not my situation. The people who wronged me know they did wrong. They don’t seem to care. They even feel justified. I’m still supposed to forgive them? In an article by R.T. Kendall titled, ‘Forgiving the Unrepentant’, he recalls an incident that happened to him. “When I was minister of Westminster Chapel in London, the people who had betrayed me didn’t think they had done one thing wrong. You could have hooked them up to a lie detector, and they would have passed with flying colors. My old friend, Josif Tson, whom the Communist government of Romania imprisoned and beat for his faith, came to me with the sobering words: "R.T., you must totally forgive them; unless you totally forgive them, you will be in chains." Once you forgive in your heart, it ceases to be an issue whether they repent or not. The blessing I got personally from this has been immeasurable.” Forgiveness has a lot more to do with you than it does with them. Forgiving someone doesn’t let them off the hook; it let’s you off the hook. It frees us from the chains of bitterness, pain and resentment. Lewis Smedes- “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.”
· Forgiveness doesn’t mean there will be an absence of consequences. 2nd Samuel 12:13-14 (set-up). God forgave David for committing adultery with Bathsheba but the consequence of his actions remained. The child born out of their sin died. When someone wrongs me, I can forgive them but that doesn’t mean things should stay the same. If you steal from me, I can forgive you but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let you housesit for me. If someone abuses my trust I can forgive them but there will most likely be an increased amount of accountability thereafter. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean I’m excusing their actions. I’m not saying what they did was okay. I’m not pretending the wrong never occurred. What it does mean is that I’m making a conscious decision to move forward. Forgiveness isn’t about removing consequences; it’s about removing offenses.
3) How can I forgive?
· I can forgive because God has forgiven me. Eph. 4:31-32. Are you perfect? “No, but I haven’t done what they did.” Maybe not, but you have done other things that are likely to be just as serious in God’s sight. And sometimes, the wild reality is that we have done the same things but we take offense when it’s done to us. We justify, minimize, and rationalize our behavior, but when that same behavior is exhibited toward us, suddenly it’s a major offense (ex. -cut off in traffic, talking about someone, lying). Lord’s prayer, ‘forgive us our trespasses (sins) as we forgive those who trespass (sin) against us’. There was a young lad who, upon reaching this part of the Lord’s Prayer, misquoted it yet he truly captured its essence. He said, “and forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.” We begin our journey by receiving forgiveness from God. We continue our journey by giving forgiveness to others.
· I can forgive when I clothe myself with Christ. Col. 3:12&13. There’s a reason why Paul mentioned these attributes in verse 12 before he talked about forgiveness in verse 13. If we are going to be forgiving people we need to be clothed in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. When I clothe myself with Christ I will be able to forgive. If I’m not a forgiving person, chances are I’m lacking one or more of these characteristics. William Arthur Ward said, “We are most like beasts when we kill. We are most like men when we judge. We are most like God when we forgive.” (Vs. 13, ‘grievance’) A grievance is a legitimate reason to be upset with someone. If someone promises to pick you up and they forget and leave you standing out in the cold, you have a grievance. If someone promises to help you clean up, but instead they take off and go do something else, you have a grievance. I’m sure we all could come up with a list of legitimate reasons why we are upset with people. But if I have the Holy Spirit in me, I can forgive. Since the fruit of the spirit is love, we have the ability to not only forgive, but to love as well. Jesus wouldn’t command us to, ‘love our enemies’ if we weren’t capable of doing it. No matter how much damage has been done, no matter how impossible it seems; we can forgive when we’ve been clothed in Christ.
· I can be motivated to forgive when I realize the consequence for not forgiving. Matt. 6:14-15. Forgiveness is a serious issue to God. He wants us to exhibit forgiveness. If we don’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven. Matt. 18:21-35. We have been forgiven much. If we aren’t willing to forgive others then we are failing to see the magnitude of the forgiveness we’ve received. If we’re holding past offenses over people’s heads then we’re not grateful for having been rescued from the pit of despair. If we want to put others in ‘prison’ until, they pay back every penny then we’re not appreciative of having been released from our prison of bondage to sin and death. We can choose to live in the Bondage of Bitterness or the Freedom of Forgiveness. Don’t carry the ‘debt’ of pain and resentment. Don’t become the unmerciful servant. Don’t suffer the consequences of unforgiveness.
4) How do I know when I’ve forgiven someone? Here are some signs that show you have forgiven someone: (1) you don’t tell others what they did to you. When we do this we are continuing to punish the one who hurt us. Archibald Halt said, “Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me.” (2) You don’t let them feel guilty. You don’t try to intimidate them. Instead, when they continue to express sorrow for what they did, you put them at ease by confirming to them the matter is over and done with. (3) You accept the matter of total forgiveness. This means you don’t bring the offense up later. One husband told a friend, “When my wife and I argue, she gets historical.” His friend said, “Don’t you mean hysterical?” The husband said, “No, she gets historical–she brings up all the mistakes I’ve ever made.” (4) You pray for them. Matt. 5:43-44, “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” You pray for their salvation and their well-being. You pray for God to bless their life.
CONCLUSION: Corrie Ten Boom was imprisoned by the Nazis during World War II because her family provided a hiding place for Jews when they were being arrested. She and her sister Betsy were sent to Ravensbruk where horrible torture, rape, and death occurred on a regular basis. Betsy died in the prison camp, but Corrie miraculously survived. She became an effective Christian author and speaker. In 1947 she was invited to speak in Munich, Germany. That evening, she spoke on the topic of forgiveness–how God buries our sins in the depths of the sea. After her talk she was approached by a man who looked familiar to her. With horror she recognized him as one of the cruelest guards at the concentration camp. She remembered the shame of walking naked in front of this very man. Suddenly all the fear and hatred returned in a flash. He said to her, “In your talk you mentioned Ravensbruk. I was a guard there. But since that time, I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from you as well.” He held out his hand to Corrie and said, “Will you forgive me?” Corrie wrote about that encounter: “It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do. I stood there with coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. ‘Jesus, help me!’ I prayed silently. ‘I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.’ And so, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. As I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm and sprang into our joined hands. Then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. ‘I forgive you, brother!’ I cried. ‘With all my heart!’ For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.” We can have a difficult time letting go of the past. Even though some of these hurts happened so many years ago, we talk about them like they happened yesterday. That’s how fresh they are in our mind. Our past can rent way too much space in our heads and hearts. We need to become free from all that garbage. Since I can’t reverse the damage I’m not making anything better by reliving it. An unwillingness to forgive disrupts our fellowship with God. It steals the joy of knowing His forgiveness in our lives. The word forgiveness means, “to release.” Let’s make a choice today to release ourselves from the bondage of unforgiveness. Let’s not relive; let’s forgive.
