Concordia Lutheran Church
Lent 4, March 17th, 2010
By His Stripes: Healing Wounded Relationships
“Realistic Expectations”
† In Jesus Name †
May the Peace of God, brought by missionaries to the land Eireland, settling its tribal wars, saving its people, and creating communities of Faith, may that peace and grace settle on you, and bring you and yours comfort in the midst of this broken world.
The Phrases of Entitlement:
“This is NOT fair!”, “Everybody Else is and therefore..”, “If you really loved me..”, “you can’t expect me to….”, “If they only knew how much I…”, “They OWE me..”, “YOU owe me”,
We hear these phrases often, and while they might show a legitimate issue, the underlying issue is the concept that we will look at tonight, as we see how Jesus deals with relationship breaking behaviors. So far, we have looked at a such issues as Escalation, and Invalidation, and Negative Interpretations, and last week, withdrawal. Some of this has been fun, as we looked at examples that are so common, we find ourselves laughing at them. Yet, as we have also seen how we too, fall into these behaviors ourselves, and we see the blessings of Christ’s suffering providing us not only a different way to think and act, but the healing grace that can heal the damage done by us, and done to us.
The definition
As we looked at differences last week, we saw how men and women withdraw in different ways. This week, we see relationships were one party feels oppressed, or denied that which they feel they are owed. Often times, this feeling of Entitlement expresses itself in statements like I started with, and very often, the key is simple. Dr. Sonnenberg, who created this series, defined it this way,
Studies tell us that marriages quickly turn southward when one or both of the partners come into the marriage with expectations that cannot be met. These expectations consist of believing things that are simply untrue, or aren't humanly possible in a world of sin. She may now be a slim 98 pounds, but there may come a day when she may go on the "Biggest Loser" show. He may be attentive to your every need now, but there may come a day when he finds his football game more important than holding your hand and saying, "I love you."
We expressed it last week, when we talked about the difference in a marriage, that results in Withdrawal. Remember? Women get married and expect that they can change their husbands, and they cannot. Men get married expecting their wives will never, ever change, and they do. If we can only learn to deal with our own expectations, and learn as well to deal with when we have them, and they are shot down in a blaze of glory… and sometimes anger.
Our Unrealistic Expectations
Of Government
Of Workplaces
Of Spouses and Families
Of the Church
Dr. Sonnenberg talked a lot about expectations being unrealistic, not just because they ask people to do the impossible, but also because we live in a world of sinners, and fallen human nature becomes more and more self-centered. As I thought about that, I came to realize that so many of the problems in relationships are geared by such expectations.
Some people expect the government to provide them everything, and to entitle them to whatever pleases their heart. And, they are often let down, because government ultimately isn’t responsible for our well-being. Others expect the government to leave them alone to pursue their own peace and happiness, and their expectations are destroyed when taxes go up, or they see their “rights” taken away, or when the government attempts to care for those who “don’t deserve it”.
People see their expectations dashed in workplaces as well. We demand raises, and demand better and better conditions, and get upset when we don’t get what we think we need, or deserve. Those who have worked in management, or who own their own business, often have their expectations dashed, when those they supervise or employ don’t live up to performance expectations.
I don’t think I have to go far in explaining the expectations that aren’t met in marriages. Sonnenberg’s quote already did. Our spouses often don’t live up to our expectations, and often because we never talk them out. What about our expectations of our children, or uhmmm…their expectations of us! I think Kay and I are the only couple whose son thinks he deserves to stay up past midnight – whose under 13! Talk about a unrealistic expectation! But what about the kids who think they deserve not just a car at 16, but a brand new one! A court case Sonnenberg mentioned had a son and mom in court over a car loan, which his response was… “well the last car was a piece of junk, so she owed me this one!”
There are other expectations we have, that we don’t often voice. Expectations even of our church, and those members there, who just don’t understand us. Expectations that even small churches must be able to provide everything for everyone at the same time, and without thought of cost. My personal opinion is that the non-denoms see such a high rate of turnover, because of expectations that cannot be all met, at the same time. This also explains, to an extent, the popularity of mega-churches, but they have some of the highest turnover!
Nirvana on Earth
And what about expectations we have of God. Expectations that aren’t always about love, but about provision. God will provide us the perfect spouse, or the perfect home or the perfect church, or the perfect job, or simply the perfect life. Where no one grows old, no one ever reacts the wrong way, and everyone meets my expectations.
It’s not even about unrealistic expectations! IOur expectations often don’t appear so unrealistic. The wife whose wants a kiss goodbye on the way out the door. A parent who wants a hug from their child. The family that wants a safe neighborhood, or people who just want to be respected by others.
Sonnenberg comments:
First of all, we should say it the way it is. Life's not fair. We live in a world where sin is often not figured into the equation, because too many don't want to believe it exists, and, therefore, they go around frantically searching everywhere for nirvana on earth, an existence that won't be found. As long as sin exists in the world, things aren't going to happen the way you planned. People don't always treat you the way you think you should be treated. Someone else may have more than you, though you believe you tried harder. Marriage partners are discovered with secrets you didn't realize existed when you first married.
So where is the hope?
God’s Realistic Expectation on the cross
The two thieves; the soldiers?; The Jews; All of us…?
Romans 8:34
We see it at the cross. The place where expectations are nailed, and the sins brought about by them are forgiven. You see, the cross is all about a realistic expectation. God, despite hating the sin, expected us too, He knew we would, and provided for our failure, by determining that Christ would pay for those sins, well before the world was created, well before we committed them.
That is why he could look at the thief nailed on a cross because he did deserve it, and declare…today YOU will be WITH ME in paradise.
He knew his sin, and expecting it, came to die beside a man who couldn’t live up to his own expectations. Listen to His words there…
“Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.”
Those words wasn’t just about the thief. They weren’t just about the soldiers gambling over his clothes. They weren’t just about the Jews, calling out and mocking Him, who cried for His condemnation.
Those words are about you, and you, and you and me.
“Father, forgive Dustin, and Al, and Tom and Chris and Steve and… insert your own name here, for they know not what they have done
And Father, forgive those who let them down, and help them to forgive those who have trespassed, even as We have forgiven them…
The Blessing of Injustice
Our hope:
Life isn’t fair. But in our epistle lesson tonight, we have something that deals with it. An expectation we can have faith in, and the answer to all failed expectations.
In Romans 8:34 we read, "Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died--more than that, who was raised to life--is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us."
He continues to pray for us, because often we do things and we don't even know the hurt we're causing or the damage that has been, or is being done.
But confident in His sacrifice, we can forgive, even forgive ourselves, because there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.
There is peace. Peace with God, peace poured out among us…. Peace that will heal us, and guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
AMEN?
