CONTROLLING ANGER
Sermon Number 3
January 10, 2010
John Hunter was an 18th century British surgeon, who suffered from angina. He realized most of his attacks were brought on by anger. Hunter lamented, “My life is at the mercy of any scoundrel who chooses to put me in a passion.” These words proved prophetic, because at a board meeting at St. George's Hospital in London, Hunter got into a heated argument, walked out, and dropped dead in the next room (Today in the Word, June 8, 1992).
Do you explode when you become angry? Do you even recognize when you are becoming angry? Did you know that when you’re angry — you body temperature and blood pressure increase, breathing quickens, your heart beats faster, and your muscles tighten.
Everyday we hear about acts of violence . . . murders, rapes, break-ins, emotional and physical abuse are only some of the violent acts we hear about. These crimes are examples of uncontrolled anger.
And everyday, in a neighborhood just like yours, a wife gets so angry with her husband that she says things to him she doesn’t mean, words which inflict deep wounds. Everyday a father gets so frustrated with his child’s unwillingness to listen that he jerks him harder than he should. He not only gains his son’s attention, but also his fear. Everyday angry people cause destruction to property and destruction to the hearts and spirits of people they claim to love. Everyday drivers use their cars as weapons; justifying their recklessness or just plain stupid driving. These are also the fruit of uncontrolled anger.
I would like to think these perpetrators are very different from us, that they are monsters. And some are. But more often than not, they’re common folks like you and I. They’re people who don’t know how to manage their anger.
For the past two weeks we’ve been looking at anger, and today we’ll conclude our series of talking about anger and for the next few weeks we will begin to look at what should come after anger . . . forgiveness.
We need to recognize that anger isn't always expressed outwardly to others. Sometimes anger is expressed inwardly and when that happens it will cause physical problems, stress, depression and a number of other medical, social, emotional, psychological and spiritual problems.
Do you remember the old program and movie, The Incredible Hulk? Do you remember what set the Hulk off? Anger! Bruce Banner turned from this scientist into a terrifying, scarey and destructive person. The reality for you and I is this: there are two people inside of us, one that's nice and sweet and normal, and one that can be Hulkish.
Today I want to look at ways that we can begin to manage our anger.
Our first glimpse into anger in the Bible comes in the story of Cain and Abel. When God accepts Abel’s offering and rejects Cain’s, Cain becomes angry and kills Abel. In Genesis 4, I love what God said to Cain,
6 "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."
Those are powerful words from God. Please understand, God knew why Cain was angry, but He wanted Cain to understand the source and reason for his anger. In the same way God wants you and I to understand what leads us to become angry. If we don’t recognize the cues and trigger points, then we won’t be able to effectively manage our anger.
We need to recognize that God will always give us a way out of our situation, but that means we do what is right . . . according to God, not according to what we want. And when we don’t do what’s right, God is so right, sin is crouching at your door, just waiting to seize you, to control you and master you.
It’s striking that in the middle of the famous love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, Paul reminds us “Love is not easily angered.” Paul doesn't say ‘love doesn't get angry,’ because sometimes it does. Let’s face it, the people we’re most likely to get angry at, are those we love the most. But if we want healthy, safe and loving relationships; relationships that flourish, then we must not allow anger to control us, we must learn to control or manage our anger.
The first step is RECOGNIZE YOU ARE ANGRY.
If you don’t recognize you’re angry, you won’t be able to manage it in healthy ways.
Please understand we are a work in progress. It usually doesn’t happen overnight that you have a better handle on your anger. Even as you better understand your anger, there will be times when you’ll blow it, and those are the times when you need to look at the person you blew it with and ask for their forgiveness.
If we learn to become more aware of our feelings at any given moment, we will know when we are angry. We will also learn what sets us off. When we know what makes us angry, we can prepare for it and deal with it.
Consider these words from Proverbs 15:1 - 1A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Do you see where Solomon was going with this? When you speak softly and gently in a situation you are helping bring about resolution as everyone remains calm. All it takes is one rational, calm person to help people keep the peace. In fact this week the head coach at the University of Tennessee walked out on the team and went to USC to coach. He was only at Tennessee for one year, had made great promises about the football program, then when a more lucrative job came along, he was gone. Everyone has blasted Lane Kiffin for his lack of integrity. The players in the Tennessee locker room were furious. But the assistant coach and interim head coach got up and spoke calmly and peacefully and helped diffuse the situation. It didn’t mean the players and coaches weren’t angry, but it’s how this one coach dealt with it. Can you speak with gentleness?
It may be putting the kids to bed, getting them up and out in the morning is a struggle, dealing with some co-workers is a hassle, listening and obeying your parents or grandparents is sometimes a pain, talking to your spouse about money or faith or the in-laws can lead to anger. You pick the topic, but, the point is, oftentimes we already know our trigger points which lead us to become angry.
So the first step in controlling our anger is becoming aware of it and admitting we experience anger.
This is the most vital step. Whether your anger is explosive, or if it’s passive-aggressive or you keep it buried inside, you need to know your triggers.
Secondly, and along with recognizing your anger, UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GET ANGRY.
The better you understand yourself, the better you’ll be able to control your anger. Anger is simply a warning light. It isn’t your real problem. It says that something much deeper is wrong.
Basically, we become angry for one of four basic reasons:
1. We fear something or someone.
2. We have lost something we value.
3. We are frustrated over a situation.
4. We feel inconvenienced about a situation.
Sometimes it’s pain. If you stub your toe on a toy that your child didn’t pick up, not only do you have physical pain, you also get angry. Your angry your child didn’t put the toy away or that you didn’t. If you get hurt emotionally, you’ll get angry as well. If someone hurts you with words or actions which impact you or a loved one, you will become angry. It’s a normal response. And the deeper the pain, the deeper your anger. When you deal with the hurt, you will also deal with the anger. It’s a package deal.
Sometimes it’s frustration. We often get angry when nothing seems to work, when we don’t get our way, or we’re forced to wait. Instead of letting frustration turn to anger, we need ask ourselves, “what’s the real issue?”
Other times it’s insecurity. We’re angry because we feel threatened. We feel like an animal being backed into a corner. This doesn’t have to be physical. It could come when our self-worth is attacked, when we’re embarrassed, or when we’re criticized.
We experience anger when we feel like we have no control over our situation. Maybe it was a diagnosis from a doctor which dramatically changes your life, or a loved hurt you with words or actions; maybe it was a job related situation; or a school and friendship issue. I wonder how many people are vacationing in Florida and are angry because of the cold weather. Sometimes we have absolutely no control over our situation. Before you can manage anger, you’ve got to know where it comes from.
Once we understand why we are angry, now we can work towards the actual MANAGING OUR ANGER. That is the 3rd step. Managed correctly, anger can be an asset rather than a liability. You can't avoid anger, but you can learn how to control and manage it.
Some of us say we can’t control our anger. That’s a lie. It simply means you don’t want to control it because you believe you control others with it. Have you ever had a heated argument with someone, then the telephone rings? Notice how quickly you can manage your anger! One minute you’re yelling and screaming, and the next, you’re pleasantly answering the telephone. You've got a lot more control than you think.
Have you ever had an argument and in the heat of battle, you lost it and said some pretty nasty things, some pretty hurtful things to someone you love? We make those comments because we do not know how to control and manage our anger.
Furthermore, some people like to be angry and yell and scream because it gives them a sense of power. When we yell and scream, it’s often a sign of low self-esteem. Putting someone down for just a moment gives us that adrenaline rush and a feeling of power. But remember, it’s only temporary. The feeling lasts for a moment, but the damage from our explosion can last a lifetime. Resolve to manage it.
We need to ask ourselves some questions when we are feeling angry. Ask yourself . . .
Why am I angry?
Am I scared?
Am I hurt?
Am I frustrated?
Do I have control?
What’s the real issue here?
For example, there are times when Joshua and Zachary will be playing outside. All is going great, they are playing together, sibling rivalry hasn’t reared it’s ugly head and now it’s time for dinner. So, we call the boys to come and eat. They want a few more minutes. We’re hesitant, we want them to come in, we want them to be obedient, we don’t want anything to happen . . . BUT they’re having a great time, so we agree to it.
You know what happens! One of them ends up in tears whether for an accidental or purposeful action. We end up getting angry, yet, the one we’re really angry with was ourselves. We allowed them to play for a little longer and now this is our reward. If we stuck to our guns there wouldn’t have been a problem.
So, it’s important to ask yourself . . . why am I angry. This helps us finish off that 3rd step, of actually managing or controlling our anger.
Let me add just one more point to this . . . oftentimes our anger is self-directed.
Proverbs 14:17 tells us 17 A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated.
As this scripture says, when we have that quick temper, when we will not control our anger, we will do foolish things. They will come out in all different ways and our reactions can be pretty lethal, as we injure ourselves and others.
We can be doing something or putting something together and it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, so we become angry. Maybe we rip our project apart in anger. What has that solved? Now you need to pick up the pieces. Too often when we mess up on something we think we should have succeeded at, we beat ourselves up. We berate ourselves and we tell ourselves, “we’re stupid, we’re dumb, we’re no good!” Or we physically abuse ourselves by hitting our head, or punching ourselves, or cutting, or eating or drinking. We need to stop that and believe, really believe we are a gift from God. We are holy and dearly loved children and God believes we were worth dying for.
The 4th step and one of the harder ones is to REFLECT BEFORE REACTING. Don't respond impulsively. Count to 10 if you’re a little angry, and to 100 if you’re furious. Proverbs 14:29 states “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly.” Proverbs 12:16 says “A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.”
Abraham Lincoln's secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, was angered by an army officer who accused him of favoritism. Stanton complained to Lincoln, who suggested that Stanton write the officer a sharp letter. Stanton did, and showed the strongly worded letter to the president who asked, “What are you going to do with it?” Stanton replied, “Send it.” Lincoln shook his head. “You don't want to send that letter, put it in the stove. That's what I do when I have written a letter while I am angry. It's a good letter and you had a good time writing it and feel better. Now burn it, and write another” (Sermon Illustrations.com).
Let me add, I have received my share of emails which are not always kind. Sometimes you want to respond quickly and get it out there. Sometimes you hit send before you know what you’re really doing. When it comes to emails, write your response on another document. Don’t immediately send it, because once you do, you’re a goner. You can delete it from your computer, but never from the other person’s computer. Adding to the issue is the fact that now then can take your words and use them against you. Take time to reflect before you react and respond. Even ask a trusted friend or spouse about what you are feeling. They may have a different perspective or know more about the situation or ask us something we have not thought of.
The question to ask yourself is why am I angry? When you can honestly answer that, you will know what to do next. Often times we’re angry at a situation, a delay or inconvenience in our lives. To complicate matters, our anger is usually self directed. We’re angry at ourselves for getting into this situation in the first place. If we had listened or followed directions, we wouldn’t be stuck. Yet we find it easier, or should I say more convenient to be angry at others, not ourselves.
When we start asking ourselves “Why am I angry” we may find our anger actually decreasing, because we understand the source.
I remember when Joshua and Zachary were younger and we lived in Illinois. There was a lot of construction right behind our house because of flooding. We needed to go somewhere and I was getting the boys into the car. I had to move something in the car and before I knew it the boys were off and running into a dirt pile. I called out their names, and when they finally came around the corner of the house, they proudly showed me that their shoes, hands, pants and jackets were covered in mud. I was enraged. I thought, “How could they do that to me?” And what made me angriest of all, was how “I” was going to be inconvenienced. But let me ask you, whose fault was it that he got into the mud? Was it his? He was doing what comes naturally to him, playing in the mud and dirt. Whose fault was it? It was mine.
We also need to ask “What do I really want in this situation?” When we begin thinking about what we really want the end results to look like, we must change the way we react. Ultimately, when we’re angry, we discuss, not scream, we explain our feelings and don’t bury them.
This leads us to the final way to handle our anger, RELEASING OUR ANGER APPROPRIATELY. I believe we handle anger either by burying it, letting it rip or acting in passive-aggressive ways.
When we’re willing to admit to one another, in a loving manner that we’re angry, we are now on the right path. Anger is simply the reality of how we feel. We can say, “I’m angry.” And then explain why. As I said 2 weeks ago, it’s using “I” statements to convey your feelings. Saying “When you do this or when you say that, I feel angry.” Always make it into an “I” statement. When we say you do this and you do that, we are blaming others for the way we feel. It is so important for us to recognize our feelings are ours. Anger is ours, nobody can force you to become angry. That is always your choice.
Again we look at Proverbs and we read
11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. - Proverbs 29:11.
In his book Make Anger Your Ally, Neil Warren encourages people to sit down and write a letter to themselves that gives them a picture of their ideal response to anger. Think of a situation that makes you angry and then write out how you would like to respond. Be as vivid and detailed as possible. Think of the irritation and resolve it in advance. Ask yourself “Do I enjoy getting angry?” “What are the results when I am angry?” “Is there a cost to others when I’m angry?” “How would Jesus respond?” And “Why would Jesus respond that way?”
Proverbs 22:24-25 states, Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
The Bible says surround yourself with people who will model proper conduct, which includes anger. If you are serious about changing your ways, then you need to spend time with people who know how to manage their anger. That's one of the benefits of a church. I believe in joining a church family and getting involved because you pick up positive values as you serve with others who are a little further ahead on their journey.
My guess is God has been talking to some of you and you need to deal with this area of anger. I hope you will begin to take these steps this week. Next week we will begin to look at forgiveness and what that means for us.
I would like to end by sharing from Frederick Buechner’s book entitled Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC. Here is Buechner’s definition of "anger":
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.
The chief drawback, is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you. Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking, Transformed by Thorns, p. 117
