CONTROLLING ANGER
Sermon Number 4
January 17, 2010
Today is the big game. I have some concerns about today’s game for a couple of reasons. First, I am a little nervous about the Jets coming in and winning. The Colts opened the door for them, and they might just walk through. No matter the outcome of the game, there will be angry people. I just hope the Colts win!!
The 2nd reason I am concerned is because I will be watching the game with my sister and the rest of my family. You see, I grew up watching the Chicago Bears play football. When we weren’t at the game, we were sitting in my parents living room watching the games. It was my dad, Janet and me. We didn’t stop talking the whole game, we analyzed plays, hooped and hollered at the good, the bad and the ugly. We yelled, we argued, we disagreed, and we got angry. So, I hope today goes well, the Colts dominate the game, and Janet agrees with everything I say.
Now, on to the real talk about anger. Today, we’ll finish, even if it takes an hour, we’ll be done with anger, and move on to talking about forgiveness next week.
As a quick recap from last week, I reminded you that we can become very Hulkish when we become angry. We change from one type of person, a calm, sweet, seemingly normal person, into something that nobody can recognize. This dramatic change occurs because we’ve never learned how to manage our anger.
As we look at ways to manage our anger, we’ll look at 5 different steps which I believe will help us. I mentioned the first 2 steps last week.
The first step is RECOGNIZE YOU ARE ANGRY.
This seems like a no-brainer. Yet, if we cannot recognize when we are angry, then we will not be able to manage how we handle that anger. If you can’t admit you’re angry, then you will never be able to manage it in healthy ways. And your anger will have a dramatic impact upon others, especially those you love and who love you. Even passive-aggressive or anger avoidance can make you look Hulkish.
Proverbs 15:1 reminds us - 1A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. You can’t give a gentle answer if you aren’t in touch with what you are feeling at that moment.
This is the most vital step. No matter how you display your anger, you need to know your triggers. So the first step in managing our anger is becoming aware of it and admitting we experience anger.
Secondly, and along with recognizing your anger, UNDERSTAND WHY YOU GET ANGRY.
The better you understand yourself, the better you’ll be able to control your anger. Anger is simply a warning light. It isn’t your real problem. It says that something much deeper is wrong.
We become angry for one of four basic reasons:
1. We fear something or someone.
- Abuse, people who intimidate, dark places, closeness.
2. We have lost something we value.
- Gossip (friendship), a cherished ring
3. We are frustrated over a situation.
- building something, being late, playing a sport poorly
4. We feel inconvenienced about a situation.
- coffee not being made, long lines
Now that’s kind of where we left off last week. So, let’s move on.
Once we understand why we are angry, now we can work towards MANAGING OUR ANGER. That’s the 3rd step. Managed correctly, anger can be an asset rather than a liability. You can't avoid anger, but you can learn how to control and manage it.
Some of us say we can’t control our anger. That’s a lie. It simply means you don’t want to control it because you believe you control others with it. Have you ever had a heated argument with someone, then the telephone rings? Notice how quickly you can manage your anger! One minute you’re yelling and screaming, and the next, you’re pleasantly answering the telephone. You've got a lot more control than you think.
Have you ever had an argument and in the heat of battle, you lost it and said some pretty nasty things, some pretty hurtful things to someone you love? We make those comments because we do not know how to control and manage our anger.
Furthermore, some people like to be angry and yell and scream because it gives them a sense of power. They have learned that when they show their anger in an unhealthy manner, they intimidate others, and everyone always backs down to them, because you’ve got to walk on egg shells around them.
When we yell and scream, it’s often a sign of low self-esteem. Putting someone down for just a moment gives us that adrenaline rush and a feeling of power. But remember, it’s only temporary. The feeling lasts for a moment, but the damage from our explosion can last a lifetime. Resolve to manage it.
We need to ask ourselves some questions when we’re feeling angry. Ask . . .
Why am I angry?
Am I scared?
Am I hurt?
Am I frustrated?
Do I have control?
What’s the real issue here?
For example, there are times when Joshua and Zachary will be playing outside. All is going great, they are playing together, sibling rivalry hasn’t reared it’s ugly head and now it’s time for dinner. So, we call the boys to come and eat. They want a few more minutes. We’re hesitant, we want them to come in, we want them to be obedient, we don’t want anything to happen . . . BUT they’re having a great time, so we agree to it.
You know what happens! One of them ends up in tears whether for an accidental or purposeful action. We end up getting angry, yet, the one we’re really angry with was ourselves. We allowed them to play for a little longer and now this is our reward. If we stuck to our guns there wouldn’t have been a problem.
So, it’s important to ask yourself . . . why am I angry. This helps us finish off that 3rd step, of actually managing or controlling our anger.
Let me add just one more point to this . . . oftentimes our anger is self-directed.
Proverbs 14:17 tells us 17 A quick-tempered man does foolish things . . .
As this scripture says, when we have that quick temper, when we will not control our anger, we will do foolish things. They will come out in all different ways and our reactions can be pretty lethal, as we injure ourselves and others.
We can be doing something or putting something together and it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, so we become angry. Maybe we rip our project apart in anger. What has that solved? Now you need to pick up the pieces. Too often when we mess up on something we think we should have succeeded at, we beat ourselves up. We berate ourselves and we tell ourselves, “we’re stupid, we’re dumb, we’re no good!” Or we physically abuse ourselves by hitting our head, or punching ourselves, or cutting, or eating or drinking. We need to stop that and believe, really believe we are a gift from God. We are holy and dearly loved children and God believes we were worth dying for.
The 4th step and one of the harder ones is to REFLECT BEFORE REACTING. Don't respond impulsively. Count to 10 if you’re a little angry, and to 100 if you’re furious. Proverbs 14:29 states “A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly.”
Let me get a little more personal here and tell you my policy. If I am angry at someone in this church, I will do one of two things . . . I will handle it or I won’t. That pretty much covers everything. If I believe it needs to be handled I will never address it publicly. I don’t want you doing that to me, and you don’t want me doing that to you. I don’t believe we air our dirty laundry in public, it stinks.
Let me add, and Rob and Doug know this, we’ve discussed it, I will never put them down in public. I don’t expect them to do that to me. We handle disagreements and other issues in private. If there is an issue to resolve, we will not play it out before your eyes, and I don’t expect you to do that either. Ultimately when we do that, we end up looking foolish. I, and my staff will not engage you in public, we will always handle it in private.
That’s the public aspect, but let me also see, there is a private avenue for communication which is great, yet destructive, and that us using emails to vent your frustration and anger. Believe it or not, I’ve received my share of emails which are not always kind. Sometimes I want to quickly respond and blast the person who has blasted me. When it comes to emails, write your response on another document. There are time you hit send before you know what you’re really doing. And when you do that, you can never take it back, it’s gone.
Don’t immediately send it, because once you do, you’re a goner. You can delete it from your computer, but never from the other person’s computer. Adding to the issue is the fact that now they can take your words and use them against you. Take time to reflect before you react and respond. Even ask a trusted friend or spouse about what you’re feeling. They may have a different perspective or know more about the situation or ask us something we have not thought of.
The question to ask yourself is why am I angry? When you can honestly answer that, you will know what to do next. Often times we’re angry at a situation, a delay or inconvenience in our lives. To complicate matters, our anger is usually self directed. We’re angry at ourselves for getting into this situation in the first place. If we had listened or followed directions, we wouldn’t be stuck. Yet we find it easier, or should I say more convenient to be angry at others, not ourselves.
When we start asking ourselves “Why am I angry” we may find our anger actually decreasing, because we understand the source.
I remember when Joshua and Zachary were younger and we lived in Illinois. There was a lot of construction right behind our house because of flooding. We needed to go somewhere and I was getting the boys into the car. I had to move something in the car and before I knew it the boys were off and running into a dirt pile. I called out their names, and when they finally came around the corner of the house, they proudly showed me that their shoes, hands, pants and jackets were covered in mud. I was enraged. I thought, “How could they do that to me?” And what made me angriest of all, was how “I” was going to be inconvenienced. But let me ask you, whose fault was it that he got into the mud? Was it his? He was doing what comes naturally to him, playing in the mud and dirt. Whose fault was it? It was mine.
We also need to ask “What do I really want in this situation?” When we begin thinking about what we really want the end results to look like, we must change the way we react. Ultimately, when we’re angry, we discuss, not scream, we explain our feelings and don’t bury them.
This leads us to the final way to handle our anger, RELEASING OUR ANGER APPROPRIATELY. I believe we handle anger either by burying it, letting it rip or acting in passive-aggressive ways.
When we’re willing to admit to one another, in a loving manner that we’re angry, we are now on the right path. Anger is simply the reality of how we feel. We can say, “I’m angry.” And then explain why. As I said 2 weeks ago, it’s using “I” statements to convey your feelings. Saying “When you do this or when you say that, I feel angry.” Always make it into an “I” statement. When we say you do this and you do that, we’re blaming others for the way we feel. It’s so important for us to recognize our feelings are ours. Anger is ours, nobody can force you to become angry. That’s always our choice.
Again we look at Proverbs and we read
11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. - Proverbs 29:11.
I think you get the point of this passage. When you allow your anger to take hold of you, when you let it come flowing out; you’re acting like a fool, or other words which can be inserted are - STUPID, SIMPLETON or ARROGANT. But we learn that a wise person, not only remains under control, but the literal translation is that they are a soothing or praiseful person. That’s a big difference.
In his book Make Anger Your Ally, Neil Warren encourages people to sit down and write a letter to themselves that gives them a picture of their ideal response to anger. Think of a situation that makes you angry and then write out how you would like to respond. Be as vivid and detailed as possible. Think of the irritation and resolve it in advance. Ask yourself “Do I enjoy getting angry?” “What are the results when I am angry?” “Is there a cost to others when I’m angry?” “How would Jesus respond?” And “Why would Jesus respond that way?”
Proverbs 22:24-25 states, Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared.
Surround yourself with people who will model proper conduct, which includes anger. If you’re serious about changing your ways, then you need to spend time with people who know how to manage their anger. That's one of the benefits of a church. I believe in joining a church family and getting involved because you pick up positive values as you serve with others who are a little further ahead on their journey.
My guess is God has been talking to some of you and you need to deal with this area of anger. I hope you will begin to take these steps this week. Next week we will begin to look at forgiveness and what that means for us.
I would like to end by sharing from Frederick Buechner’s book entitled Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC. Here is Buechner’s definition of "anger":
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back—in many ways it is a feast fit for a king.
The chief drawback, is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you. Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking, Transformed by Thorns, p. 117
Finally, hold onto these words from Paul in Colossians 3 - -
12 Clothe yourselves with COMPASSION, KINDNESS, HUMILITY, GENTLENESS and PATIENCE. 13BEAR with each other and FORGIVE whatever grievances you may have against one another. FORGIVE as the Lord forgave you.
14And over all these virtues PUT ON LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be THANKFUL.
